When two people from different backgrounds and with different temperaments, opinions, histories, etc. live together, conflict is inevitable. Add children to that mix (even MORE temperaments, to-do lists, busy-ness, etc.) and conflict is guaranteed to be part of the deal.
All families have conflict. But it turns out who you fight with, what you fight about, and how often you fight matters less than HOW you do it.
WHEN
Most often, conflict arises in families when people are coming together or saying goodbye. (Deborah Tannen, I Only Say This Because I Love You). Research has shown that most highly charged time of the day is between 6-8 pm. Moms know this—it’s the witching hour. Dad has just come home. Mom may have just come home, too, and now her “second shift” starts. There are a million things to juggle before bedtime just to keep the household going, and everyone’s de-stressing from the work day.
Home is everyone’s safe place, and if kids are going to fall apart after school, it’s usually then—in the middle of homework, etc.
That’s a generalization. Of course, other things can trigger arguments in other times (holidays, in-laws, opening a bill in the middle of the day).
A lot of people when they’re out in the world try to avoid conflict (at work, with friends, etc.). At home, you can’t. Or if all you do is avoid conflict, you’ll end up divorced or estranged from your kids because there’s no connection/engagement. Or resolution of anything. Everyone just keeps stuffing issues/emotions and pretending.
That’s actually very dismissive of others. Refusal to engage or resolve or work through issues (that someone else brings up) can be a form of manipulation. “I’m just going to go take all my blocks and go home.” Retreating physically or verbally (silent treatment). None of those things is a sign of maturity, emotional health, or ability to emotionally regulate. If you love someone, you must find a way to negotiate, converse, and move thru to the other (better) side.
It’s totally fine to call a time out. You can ask for some time to compose your emotions or thoughts (esp if you feel ambushed or immediately defensive). If you KNOW a dicey conversation is due (we have to make a budget; we have to decide what to do about your mom moving in with us), it’s best to schedule a time for that conversation rather than springing it.
Bill Ury is co-founder of the Harvard Negotiation Project. These people get called in to help negotiate really tough disputes like Israeli-Palestine level stuff. He has a process of “principled negotiation”, and the first couple of steps in that process are ISOLATE YOUR EMOTIONS and GO TO THE BALCONY.
Basically, you imagine the argument taking place on a theater stage. Imagine yourself going offstage “to the balcony” where you can see things from a macro level…it’s there that you can start to calm down and find some self control. (go to the bathroom, go get a cup of coffee, or whatever to literally remove yourself from the stage if you have to)
WORDS
The words we use matter. If you’re a highly volatile person in the middle of a heated conflict, you’re probably less likely to be thinking about your word choice. But you have the power to PAUSE and change that.
When a couple uses first-person pronouns (I or We) it’s a sign of a healthy relationship. WE is a mark of high togetherness. Second person (YOU) is a mark of poor problem solving. You always say that or you never do this…. Stop using the word “YOU” in conflict. Changing it subtly to “I feel like you…” isn’t quite hitting the mark either.
Does it go without saying? This is a person you love. You shouldn’t be calling them names, insulting them, demeaning or belittling them, or throwing up things from the past in their face.
You’re adults, not toddlers. By now you should have learned we don’t scream and yell. We don’t hit. We don’t throw things. That’s what toddlers do. It’s time to grow up. If you need to learn some emotional regulation and mature adult behavior, then do it. Don’t blame others for “making you mad” or “making you rage.” You’re doing that all by yourself. Own up to it.
If you think about it, after an argument or disagreement, the things you end up having to go back and apologize for are 99% NOT the points you made or your opinions. The things you have to apologize for are the way you spoke to someone (tone or content) or the childish way you acted.
** The same is true for using NO WORDS and shutting down. This is a form of manipulation. While the person retreating may feel like this is their way of protecting themselves, it too is a toddler’s way of handling emotions/life. Pouting, sulking, refusing, causing others to have to coddle them & tiptoe around until they “feel better.” Take your time to “go to the balcony”, but USE YOUR WORDS to communicate this respectfully….and then RECONVENE like a mature adult.
TIME & TOPIC
The most important points in an argument are always at the beginning. After that, you’re usually just repeating yourself at higher and higher volume.
After your time out or “going to the balcony”, you may have more head space to realize the other person has legitimate points/point of view. Ask questions. Make sure you know what they’re really saying.
So many times the argument you think you’re having isn’t the one that’s really happening. If you can’t agree on the new sofa you need to purchase, you might start off thinking it’s about the money or the style, but it many times it turns out to be about what impression you’re trying to make (identity) or maybe how you weren’t allowed to sit on certain furniture when you were a kid (feeling dismissed or controlled). Once you peel the onion—if you can give each other space to be honest and curious and get real—you actually end up being CLOSER at the end than further apart, with just one person “winning”.
BODY
Body language is so important! How you nod or shake your head, what your face is saying, whether you’re rolling your eyes or crossing your arms…. Rolling your eyes in particular (research has found) is a HUGE indicator and predictor of marital tension. What else conveys disrespect? Shifting in your seat, sighing, stiffening your neck.
How do you diffuse tension? Lean forward, nod. Or mimic the other person’s positive gestures. Also, where you are and what you’re doing matters…. Take a walk so you’re releasing tension physically and facing away from each other while you talk. OR, sit close and hold hands. It’s hard to argue when you’re touching.
BUILD A BRIDGE
After digging to the real issue and trying to see each other’s points, most of the time there’s a compromise solution in there. .. One of the things you can do when you’re off stage is come up with some alternatives where both parties can get some yardage.
Conflict happens.
I’m always a little suspicious of couples/families who “never fight” or argue. Somewhere in there, someone’s seething or stuffing everything or reverting back to what they learned as a middle child and just keeping the peace and saying “everything’s fine.”
Or someone is an ogre or dictator and no one GETS to have a different opinion.
Or someone has learned to manipulate with other tactics and everyone learns to acquiesce or pay the consequences.
To be clear, in those situations there’s STILL plenty of conflict, but it’s not being resolved or worked through. There will be casualties in those situations. Eventually, those sorts of environments become unsustainable & things fall apart in one way or another.
OR, people can learn to grow up and mature and have healthier relationships—with others and with themselves.
Remember, we’re also teaching our children this is what marriage looks like. This is what you can expect conflict to look like. This is how you fight or disagree. What are the lessons we hope they’re learning and taking with them into their own relationships down the road?