On today’s episode we’re talking about TRUST. It’s such a key element in any relationship—marriage, friendship, parent-child. It’s foundational, really, to how deep or close any given relationship will be or can be.
If you have older kids, this word comes up a lot as you’re transitioning from parenting a kid to parenting a young adult. Can I trust you with the car keys? Can I trust you with the computer or in a dating situation?
If you have younger kids, maybe you haven’t really thought about trust a lot yet b/c you haven’t had to hand over the reins much, but whether you know it or not, you’re still paving the road of trust between you and your child.
—Prov 3:5-6 trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
What IS trust, exactly? Where does it come from? How do we create it? It’s a firm belief in the reliability, truth or strength of someone/something. It’s a belief you can depend on someone because they’re safe and secure. That belief doesn’t just manifest out of thin air. Usually, we base it on a demonstrated track record.
I trust this bridge can hold the weight of my car as I drive across it. I put money in a trust to be held safely until it’s needed. I trust you to keep something confidential when I share it. I trust God will be faithful to the promises He gives in scripture.
In each case, there’s something vulnerable about us, some risk we take, that we hand over to someone else. The more times I drive over that bridge & make it to the other side, the more likely I am to keep crossing it. If I confess something to a close friend and they treat me well (without shaming or judging) the more likely I am to include them on other things close to my heart.
Trust lets us: be vulnerable, be ourselves, feel safe/secure, increase closeness, minimize conflict. We can relax and depend on someone else. We feel like we can turn to that person for comfort, affection, help, or reassurance.
We often mentally ask ourselves, DO I TRUST YOU? But maybe a better question is DO I TRUST YOU TO DO X? You might trust me to keep a confidence or show up to record this podcast, but you probably shouldn’t trust me to drive a school bus or teach calculus. Trust has to include: competence, reliability, and honesty.
From a PARENT PERSPECTIVE:
How are you teaching about trust? Obviously, a baby doesn’t know this word/concept. A baby is just a big ball of NEED. On the most basic level, each time you respond and fill that need, you’re teaching trust. There’s someone in the world who makes me feel safe/secure.
I might argue that’s one of our biggest roles as a parent—to model what trust looks like to our kids (because it’s going to be the basis for all their future relationships).
As time goes on, and your baby becomes a toddler, you’re setting boundaries for them (what’s a yes and what’s a no). You’re explaining to them this is for their good/safety, etc. You have to to put your hands on the car while I’m getting your brother out of his carseat b/c the parking lot is dangerous and I want you to be safe.
You start using the word TRUST in context with them. Classic example is tossing them in the air, pushing them on a swing, or getting them to jump to you in the pool—ask them do you trust me? And then demonstrate that you’re worthy of trust: catch them when they jump in.
If you repeatedly use that phrase in context and they’ve learned that yes, they CAN trust you to do what you say, keep them safe, have their best interests at heart, keep their confidence, don’t humiliate them/shame them, that goes with them into teenage years.
NOW, when they’re 16 and there’s more at stake, they ask you about going to an event or hanging out with a certain group and you can ask them (before giving advice/decision), do you trust me to help you with this decision? The groundwork is there.
THE REVERSE MUST ALSO BE TRUE: you must also teach THEM about being TRUSTWORTHY.
So, even when they’re little, and you ask them to do a task—when they’ve completed that task (can you carry your cereal bowl carefully to the sink?), you can put it in terms of trust. Great job! I know I can trust you to hold things carefully.
I know I can trust you to obey. I know I can trust you to play with your sister nicely. (you get the idea).
**When they’re little (especially toddlers) don’t expect more than they can deliver. A toddler doesn’t have the self control necessary to share, keep their impulses in check, and play nicely ALL afternoon unsupervised. So don’t set up that scenario and then claim you can’t trust them when things go south.
As they get older and in school, with friends more, etc., (i.e., out of your supervision), you can let them know you trust them ahead of time. AND that you may be checking with other parents/teachers or what have you to. (Trust, but verify.) Again, this is not expecting more of your child than they can deliver…. Every kid will be tempted at some point; every kid will sneak; every kid will test boundaries. Deal with mistakes and talk about having to rebuild trust & try again.
I hear from parents of teens a lot that there’s apparently some unwritten rule somewhere that once they reach some arbitrary certain age (15, 16…) you’re supposed to “just trust them” with privacy, technology, all choices, etc. THAT’S BALONEY. We’re freeing you from that false rule that was probably invented by some savvy 16-yr-old somewhere.
Trust is not simply GRANTED. It’s EARNED through consistent demonstration of trustworthiness. NO teenager will be 100% mistake-proof, peer-pressure proof. You are still their guard rail. You are still setting limits/boundaries/coaching through choices, etc.
You ABSOLUTELY have permission to check their tech. You ABSOLUTELY can call other parents to be sure they’re where they’re supposed to be doing what they told you they’d be doing.
LIES/LYING
This is a great opportunity to teach about trust. EVERY child will lie. Even your dear, sweet precious angel. It’s not a personal vendetta against you. It doesn’t make them “a liar” for life.
BUT. You should take/treat lying very seriously. Why? Because this, more than any other thing, undermines the trust foundation, which undermines relationship. As Christians, we serve a faithful Father of TRUTH and to lie/deceive does not come from that source.
Lying breaks trust. It’s the thing that will restrict/reduce your child’s freedoms because it sends them back to ground zero. Ground zero of trust is NOT a fun place to be as a teen/young adult. They’ll have to earn back that trust by climbing the ladder for a while.
***(The same is true for you, parents. You must model truth to your children. You must keep your promises, do what you say you will, don’t be two-faced, be honest in your work, don’t keep secrets from your spouse, keep your friends’ confidences & your children’s!…..)
WHO DO YOU TRUST
Rachel Botsman (2017) who’s called a world renowned “trust expert,” wrote a book called Who Can You Trust? She traces the social transformation of trust. In the 70’s, after Watergate & the Vietnam War, Gallup polls began asking Americans how much confidence they had in major institutions like banks, media, public schools, organized religion, and Congress. 75% said they could trust key institutions to do the right thing most of the time.
Over 40 yrs later, Gallup continues to do the poll. By 2016, we’re at historical lows: confidence in 14 different institutions averaged only 32%–except for small business & the military. (That’s an average…which means some scored much lower: Congress, for example, was at 9%). Millennials are the most doubting generation. (similar story across western Europe & Britain)
Add to that: we get stuck in our information bubbles, where we get only information that feeds our own ideas/beliefs. People are more likely to describe “a person like me” as the most credible source of information. A friend or FB friend is now viewed as twice as credible as a govt leader/media. It’s said we are in a post-truth world (2016 Oxford Dictionary word of the year)
Botsman shows how our world has shifted from trusting locally (those in our tribe/close community) to trusting institutions (once we moved from bartering a chicken for a frying pan to systems of money).
Currently, we are in another rapidly changing shift. If we don’t trust traditional institutions anymore and our world is post-truth, what do we trust?
We’re taking these leaps of trust fairly quickly now to things that would’ve seemed insane just a dozen years ago.
Phone experiment: Next time you’re sitting next to someone you don’t know, ask them to swap phones with you for one minute. You’ll hold their phone, they’ll hold yours. What you decide to do with it is their choice. Reactions are predictable. Take it hesitantly & place it face down. Laugh nervously. Refuse outright. Ask how long is left. Some look at messages, photos, or even post something to Instagram. Mostly, it’s very uncomfortable. That’s just a PHONE. Yet…
When AirBnB and Uber (exchange economies) were emerging, I thought they were NUTS. But here we are, 10 yrs later, happily staying in someone else’s house across the world! Or hopping in a stranger’s car for a ride across town. We’ve established ways thru technology to trust strangers. Apple Pay, ebay, etsy (any online purchasing)….
We’ve leapt fairly easily to trusting technology/ratings. 4-yr-old daughter trusting Alexa with decisions on what to wear…
***In light of this TRUST SHIFT, we need to be teaching our children not just ABOUT trust but about WHO/WHAT is TRUSTWORTHY.
The other day I did a mental exercise with a few people and asked them if they could name 5 people they trust implicitly. I did the exercise, too, and quickly came up with my 5. Ask yourself this question. Do you have 5 people right now you can trust with your life? With your secrets? With your existential angst?
Now…do your CHILDREN have 5 people? Your teenager? Could you name them? Are they actually trustworthy?
TRUST ISSUES: When we say someone has “trust issues” what do we mean? We’re usually talking about someone who finds it difficult to trust others. Not a healthy skepticism or maybe feeling hesitant about being friends with or getting into a relationship with someone who rubs you the wrong way. Usually a result of having been betrayed or from a childhood perception of abandonment.
Trust issues can manifest in different ways. A person who finds it hard to trust might always be suspicious of what others say, or always be questioning the motives of others. It makes it very hard to develop a close connection with someone else.
You might have a problem with trust if you:
- Always assume the worst – thinking any exchange means they’re going to expect something from you later.
- Suspiciousness – thinking others may be trying to hurt or deceive you
- Self-sabotage– doing things that might harm your relationship b/c you assume it’s better to end it now than end up being disappointed later
- Unhealthy relationships—struggle to build
- Lack of forgiveness—difficult/impossible to move on after a betrayal of trust; inability to forgive can affect your entire life—guilt, shame, bitterness
- Distancing yourself—building walls to avoid relationships b/c you fear disappointment
- Focusing on negative—what will go wrong? Noticing other people’s flaws, mistakes, weaknesses rather than their positive qualities
If you have “trust issues,” you can overcome them. Build trust slowly with others. Talk about your issues (be open that you struggle) so friend/partner can see how their actions might be taken. People with trust issues often feel a need for control (which looks like you’re mistrusting someone else)…recognize this & work on it. Be trustworthy yourself.