ARE YOU THE DEFAULT PARENT?

by | Nov 22, 2021 | Family Topics, Marriage, Uncategorized, Wellbeing

Are YOU the default parent? CLUE: If you have to think about it, you’re not. 🙂 

Scenario:  out for a rare evening with a handful of other mom friends. At some point, inevitably, someone’s phone starts up with a text or call. Often, more than one phone. When are you coming home? Which size diaper do I use? Do the kids need a bath?  Where are their pjs?

In our culture, MOM is typically the default parent, even in families where both parents work outside the home.  If school calls, mom goes. If a child’s sick, mom stays home.  2020 and the whole virtual school situation really highlighted this issue.  In lockdown, when both parents were working from home, most of what it took to keep the home running continued to fall on mom.

Here’s a list of common household tasks. In your house, who typically handles each?

  • Lunches packed with stuff kids like, minus what they don’t like
  • Sink/dishes cleaned
  • Pantry stocked, groceries
  • Items replaced (TP, light bulbs, batteries, detergent, dogfood)
  • Appointments, registrations, (school, sports, doctors, field trips, veterinarian)
  • Meals (planning, making)
  • Baths
  • Knows where things are in the house
  • Clothes—making sure right sizes/seasons are available
  • Holidays—decorations, cards, gifts, hosting
  • Birthdays—parties, gifts, thank-yous
  • Paying bills
  • Taking out trash, cleaning up after pets
  • Securing babysitters, house sitters, dog sitters

We’re pretty familiar with the wage gap between genders, but there’s also a stress gap.  In one Today survey of over 7000 moms, they rated their stress levels at 8.5/10.  

Our culture still sees household chores and child rearing as “women’s work”.  How did we see this growing up in the 70s/80s?  What is our own experience?  What about the generation behind us?

Our model of division of labor begins in childhood. Girls begin shouldering 50% more housework than boys.  How are we raising our boys?? (Example of David’s upbringing)

Back in Feb, P&G aired a Super Bowl ad that pointed out in 65% of households, all the chores fall on one person.  They launched a “close the chore gap campaign” with Dawn & Swiffer.  

Common experience to get married, and have both spouses working outside the home (or being in school), and they negotiate the division of labor pretty well.  Everybody’s time is equally valued.  

Then, when kids enter the picture, things change.  You don’t pre-negotiate how to share that workload, often because you have no idea what it’s going to be like. Mom may be home for maternity leave, then back to work again (with lots more to juggle now!), or decide to be a SAHM.  If you don’t talk about how to share the workload, the default will probably be mom.  

How did Bonnie and Renee negotiate this when our first kids were born?

Frequently dads get the message that “dads don’t really do anything for the first 6 months b/c it’s more of a “mom thing.””  They say “there’s not a lot for them to do,” and what they MEAN might be they can’t breastfeed or maybe the newborn feels most comforted by mom at first.  

That moves along to considerate dads making an effort …. But they often feel nagged.   They ultimately retreat because they “can’t do anything right.”  In so many cases this leads to bickering, resentment, exhaustion, and unhappiness.  When mom is the default, there’s LOTS that goes unnoticed and unacknowledged.  

Often the biggest problems in a marriage can be the “small details.”  The chore gap includes a lot of small details!! 

  • Scorekeeping 
  • Burning out
  • Nagging (most men say this is what they hate most but most wait to be asked/told what to do)
  • Resentment/disappointment
  • Marital dissatisfaction
  • Loss of identity

Huff Post asked divorced women what they wished they’d done differently in their marriages, and many said “I wish I would’ve asked for help when I needed it.” Communicating your feelings and needs!!  If you’re frustrated with this issue but you feel like you don’t want to or can’t communicate this with your spouse—what you need to realize is YOU’RE ALREADY communicating in other (unhealthy ways):

(From Fair Play):

  • When spouse challenged “what do you do all day” Marian created time-lapse video of hours & hours of invisible work she performs in the home as “proof.”
  • When the diaper genie reaches capacity, Lydia drags it into the hallway and walks away. If I neglect to empty it, maybe he’ll get the hint. 
  • Julia admits to sometimes playing possum when her young son comes into bedroom at night. That way, my husband has to be the one to get up.
  • Lori turns off her phone when her husband’s at Target so he can’t reach her to ask “what do we need?” and “what aisle is that in?”
  • Stella dumps wet clothes on her husband’s pillow when he forgets to put them in the dryer.
  • Trudy withholds sex until all the dishes are out of the sink.

So much passive aggressive communication and all of it building up resentment, yet doing nothing to ultimately solve the issue.

It’s the conundrum of doing INVISIBLE WORK.  You have trouble doing it all or even naming what it is you’re doing…Why are you so tired all the time?  What did you even DO all day?  

In the 80’s, sociologists came up with terms for the inequity:

Mental load:  mental to-do list you keep for all the family tasks.  Juggling constant details. Creates stress, fatigue, forgetfulness.

Second Shift:  domestic stuff you do before you go to work and even longer after you get home.

Emotional Labor:  maintaining relationships work like thank you notes, teacher gifts, soothing meltdowns, caring.

Invisible work:  behind the scenes stuff that keeps things running altho it’s hardly noticed and rarely valued.  (toothpaste never runs out)

Love and Economics: It Takes a Family to Raise a Village by Jennifer Roback Morse

The book clearly and insightfully explains why healthy, loving families are the bedrock of a free society, and the harm of dysfunctional family relationships. It recognizes the irreplaceable function of families in healthy societies.

“The union between husband and wife typically produces offspring who have lives of their own. These new lives are bound to the couple by blood, not by choice, and certainly not by contract. …Those children permanently alter the character of the relationship between their parents.

…However much they [husband and wife] might have cherished their independence, the arrival of a baby signals the start of a new era of interdependence in their lives. No matter how much they may have enjoyed their youth, no matter how old they might be when children finally arrive, the children let them know that now their own childhoods are definitely at an end.

…The responsibility for a helpless child pulls us out of our natural self-centeredness more thoroughly than almost any other situation…The arrival of a new baby gives us, perhaps for the first time in our lives, the opportunity to find out just how much love we are capable of.  We find out how patient we can be, how resourceful, how much sleep deprivation we can stand, how much pleasure we can take in the ordinary details of daily life. In this calling out of the parents from their natural self-centeredness, their real transformation begins in earnest.”

The default parent situation is a by-product of the “new era of interdependence” that Dr. Roback Morse describes. Before you ask if something is working, you need to know what it’s for…families are for filling the earth and continuing God’s mandate to exercise dominion over it (Gen 1:26-28).  Marriage is for representing Jesus & the Church to the world (Eph 5) and to produce godly offspring (Malachi 2:15). This requires radical self-denial (or self-giving as Corey called it) from both husband and wife to work successfully.

Husbands/dads may be great guys and wonderful fathers but often they’re relegated to not much more than “helper” rather than collaborative partner and participant.  (pet peeve: referring to them as baby sitters)

CONVERSATION IN TIME OF NON-CONFLICT:  So, maybe you have the conversation and try to re-negotiate or re-allocate division of labor.  Well meaning and considerate spouse asks how he can help.  BUT OFTEN ALSO they need an “atta boy” for a completed job AND a reminder (which is mental effort from you). 

OWNERSHIP OF A TASK IS FROM BEGINNING TO END: Knowing what needs to be done,

remembering it, and reminding for it actually ADDS to your load, while t…The responsibility for a helpless child pulls us out of our natural self-centeredness more thoroughly than almost any other situation… The arrival of a new baby gives us, perhaps for the first time in our lives, the opportunity to find out just how much love we are capable of. We find out how patient we can be, how resourceful, how much sleep deprivation we can stand, how much pleasure we can take in the ordinary details of daily life. In this calling out of the parents from their natural self-centeredness, their real transformation begins in earnest.”

The default parent situation is a by-product of the “new era of interdependence” that Dr. Roback Morse describes. Before you ask if something is working, you need to know what it’s for… families are for filling the earth and continuing God’s mandate to exercise dominion over it (Gen 1:26-28). Marriage is for representing Jesus and the Church to the world (Ephesians 5) and to produce Godly offspring (Malachi 2:15). This requires radical self-denial (or self-giving as Corey called it) from both husband and wife to work successfully. 

Husbands/dads may be great guys and wonderful fathers but often they’re relegated to not much more than a “helper” rather than a collaborative partner & participant.  (my pet peeve as referring to them as babysitters)

CONVERSATION IN TIME OF NON-CONFLICT: So, maybe you have the conversation and try to he reminded person gets off easy.  They don’t have to remember or worry about forgetting.  **Reminding and Praising is what we do to parent CHILDREN not partner with a SPOUSE.  

ESTABLISH A STANDARD OF COMPLETION: Agree on what doing the job well looks like. This will help eliminate the “you did it wrong” back-and-forth that can happen.

Common responses:

It’s just not something I think about

You didn’t remind me

Why didn’t you just ask?

You say:  You did it wrong.  They say: then YOU do it!

EVE RODSKY book FAIR PLAY:  really an excellent conversation starter and a communication tool for this issue. Pitfalls, Troubleshooting, etc…. 

Toxic Time Messages:

  1. Time is money. My paid hours are worth more than your unpaid or lesser paid hours. When I’m off the clock, it’s not worth my time. TIME IS COUNTED IN MINUTES NOT DOLLARS.
    1. This is something David and I discussed as our income changed… is there something that we hate to do that is worth the cost to pay someone else?
  2. You don’t work. You have more time.  HOURS SPENT WORKING IN SERVICE OF HOME ARE AS TIME-WORTHY AS HOURS SPENT WORKING OUTSIDE THE HOME.
  3. If you don’t have enough time, outsource or get more help.  (hiring someone to help you still takes work). 
  4. You spend your time doing unnecessary things. IF WE DECIDE TOGETHER A TASK ISN”T IMPORTANT WE CAN LET IT GO. BUT IF WE AGREE IT HOLDS VALUE, IT’S NOT A WASTE OF TIME FOR ANYONE.
  5. Sure, I’ll help you when I can.  (only want to help when it’s convenient).  FAIRNESS IS SHARING DAILY GRIND TASKS. 
  6. I make her life.  ($ makes family life possible. But so does home work.) Widowed & divorced men don’t fare as well b/c without their partners, their health, comfort and social bonds suffer.  WE EACH SPEND TIME MAKING OUR LIFE TOGETHER WORK FOR US.
  7. It’s on me.  (We buy into the messages that devalue our time.) IT’S ON US. 
  1. I can do it better.  (39% of women delegate to their kids while only 26% ask their spouse to do same tasks as often) Don’t be guilty of undervaluing his capabilities.  STOP IDENTIFYING WITH THE MULTITASKER ROLE.  
    1. Stop criticizing when things aren’t done EXACTLY as you’d like…
  2. I can save time by doing it myself.  SHORT TERM PAIN = LONG TERM GAIN.  
  3. I should spend my time….  (#momguilt #momfail)

PERSPECTIVE ON WHAT TYPE OF WORK RUNNING A HOUSEHOLD AND CHILD-REARING IS: Article by Elizabeth C. Corey, No Happy Harmony, October 2013

Recent feminist writing has begun to say not that women should forget about being wives and mothers and start to act more like men but that they should somehow play both roles at once. They should strive for success in the same way as men but also be wives and mothers.

As a college professor at Baylor University, Corey says that inevitably she has conversations with female students where they worry aloud about the difficulty of pursuing both family and career. They wonder if the longing to have and care for children can be combined with a sincere desire to achieve something of value outside the home.

To help them understand that tension more clearly, Corey makes a distinction between professional work (self-culture) and family work (self-giving) …the personal qualities required by professional work are directly opposed to the qualities that childrearing demands. They are fundamentally different existential orientations, and the conflict between them is permanent.” To focus on professional excellence requires what  Corey calls a “self-culture.” She continues, “The excellence is within us and must be developed: my musical potential brought to fulfillment, my academic aptitude developed and realized through education.” Thus you reach concrete, worldly goals: you ace the MCAT, you write a really good novel, you play a Bach fugue with confidence and proficiency.”

This is not an indictment against having a career. It is simply recognizing what is required of you to excel in a career.

By contrast: “…caring for others requires us to put aside (at least temporarily) the quest for achievement, not just to make time but to create space for a different mode of being… it’s a condition of attention and activity that isn’t striving but focusing on the needs of another person. We simply cannot approach marriage and family in the spirit of achievement at all. If we try to do so, we will find ourselves frustrated and conflicted. For well-behaved or smart children are not markers of our success; children are ends in themselves, to be loved and cared for as individuals. They need from us something other than our talents; they need us, full stop.”

This is not preference for family life over work; it is simply recognizing what is required of you in family life and work. In child-rearing.

I (Renee) think a lot of the tension from default parenting is that women recognize these two modes of being and are trying to do both at once. Corey notes that her male students seem

much less conflicted about career and family life and don’t seem to recognize this tension nearly as often.

FAIR PLAY solution—100 cards with Conception, Planning, and Execution spelled out (total ownership).  Daily Grind, Wild, Home, Out, and Caregiving.  

Goal isn’t necessarily 50/50.  

ALSO a UNICORN SPACE for each spouse.  This is important re: losing your identity.  Spouses also report greater pride, appreciation for their partner when their spouse is able to use this space. ANOTHER win-win for marriage. 

Put everything on the table when talking about default parenting. Recognize the difference in these two spheres of work. Talk about what they’re for and determine if you’re happy with how you are living in each sphere. If you could have any kind of arrangement, what would it be?