Good Sex
In our last episode, we talked about how the purity culture in 90s and aughts unintentionally created shame around sexuality and intercourse. PG-13 warning…This is not a kid-friendly episode.
Today we want to address the gap that existed (and we believe still exists) in premarital counseling for Christian couples. If you don’t buy a book like Sheet Music or She Comes First (or read Pope John Paul II’s two-year opus on the Theology of the Body), whether you’re a virgin or not, you may not have any idea how to have pleasurable sex.
So let’s jump in with the highlights from Sheet Music, a book that has made the round in churchy circles through the years.
1. The Orgasm Gap
Kerner highlights that many women experience difficulty reaching orgasm during intercourse alone. This isn’t a flaw—it’s simply how female anatomy works (more on that in a few minutes!). He argues that men often misunderstand this and unintentionally create pressure or frustration.
2. Prioritizing Her Experience
The title “She Comes First” is both literal and symbolic:
- Put her comfort, arousal, and emotional connection at the center.
- Take time.
- Remove pressure to “perform.”
Kerner treats this as a philosophy of generosity and maturity in intimacy, not a trick or technique.
Note: John Paul II taught that the male body, by its structure, reveals a vocation to self-giving love. Sex is not simply an act of pleasure but a language of the body in which the man is called to:
- give himself
- honor the dignity of his wife
- mirror Christ’s self-sacrificial love
He often quoted Ephesians 5:25: “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church.”
3. Understanding Female Anatomy & Arousal
The book teaches that women typically need:
- More time to warm up
- More attention to the clitoris (It contains about 8,000 nerve fibers making it the most nerve-dense part of a woman’s body. The vagina has significantly fewer, especially the upper ⅔ because it’s designed to stretch for childbirth.)
- A feeling of safety and relaxation (PFT recommends allowing your husband have his hand on your belly or upper thigh regularly – with no sex in sight – if you’re hesitant to help you feel safe and relaxed for sex.)
- Good communication, emotional connection, and trust
Kerner emphasizes that attunement is the key skill, not mechanics.
Note: John Paul II teaches that because men typically have stronger drives, their particular moral responsibility is to ensure that intimacy:
- is mutual
- respects the woman’s emotional and physical needs
- honors her sense of modesty and vulnerability
He calls this the “ethos of the redemption of the body,” where eros is purified by love.
4. Shifting the Mindset for Men
Kerner encourages men to:
- De-center intercourse as the “main event”
- Stop equating masculinity with penetration or speed
- View pleasure as a shared journey
- Be curious and communicative
It’s a challenge to cultural scripts that define sex in narrow, male-oriented ways.
5. A More Holistic Approach to Intimacy
While the book includes sexual guidance, its larger purpose is:
- Strengthening emotional intimacy
- Prioritizing mutual pleasure
- Removing anxiety and shame around sex
- Encouraging empathy and patience
I (Renee) recently listened to sex therapist Vanessa Marin on the Shawn Ryan podcast. Although I cannot recommend listening to it, I can summarize some of the best takeaways for you.
Vanessa Marin’s Top 10 Sex Tips for Couples
1. Prioritize emotional connection first
Marin emphasizes that quality intimacy starts with feeling seen, safe, and appreciated. Small daily moments of affection, kindness, and presence matter more than technique. (This is just good relational hygiene!) How do we stay emotionally connected to our husbands during the day?
2. Talk about sex regularly (and kindly)
Most couples don’t discuss intimacy unless something is wrong. Marin recommends short, shame-free check-ins where partners talk about:
- What feels good emotionally
- What they want more/less of
- How they’re feeling in the relationship
She calls this the “sex talk quickie”—5 minutes, calm tone, no blame.
3. Normalize differences in desire
Almost all couples have mismatched desire levels. Marin teaches that this is normal, not a sign of incompatibility. The key is curiosity, teamwork, and removing pressure or guilt.
4. Initiate intimacy in diverse ways
Most couples get stuck in a rut where only one partner initiates, or they only use one method (touch). Marin suggests:
- Verbal initiating
- Planning ahead (BB4!!!)
- Invitation-style initiating (“Want to take a little time together later?”)
It builds anticipation and reduces pressure.
5. Make sex playful, not serious
Her famous mantra: “Pleasure thrives in playfulness, not pressure.”
She encourages laughter, lightness, and experimentation instead of performance, comparison, or self-judgment.
6. Start slow—way slower than you think
She repeats this constantly: most couples rush. Slowness allows for connection, trust, emotional attunement, and better physical response. Presence > performance. According to Marin, most women need 20-40 minutes of foreplay. The MINIMUM is 20 minutes to feel ready. Why? Because women’s bodies and nervous systems require 20 minutes to go from neutral, to fully arouse to relaxed and receptive. She emphasizes that “slow isn’t boring – slow is what works.”
Also, she stresses that emotional foreplay counts, too. Women feel more responsive when earlier in the day they’ve experienced kindness, warmth, compliments, help with daily stress, and tuned-in conversation (couch time!). She contends that “all-day foreplay” is often more powerful than the physical kind.
7. Prioritize pleasure, not goals
Don’t focus on orgasm or “success.”
Marin teaches “pleasure-based intimacy”:
- Explore sensations
- Enjoy connection
- Let go of expectations
Pressure kills desire; pleasure builds it.
8. Keep a sense of novelty (but small novelty)
Marin emphasizes that novelty doesn’t have to be dramatic. It can be tiny changes in:
- Location (e.g., a different room)
- Timing (afternoon instead of evening)
- Atmosphere (lighting, music, scents)
The smallest shifts can keep connection fresh.
9. Strengthen non-sexual touch
She teaches couples to rebuild affectionate touch that’s NOT goal-oriented:
- Hugging
- Hand-holding
- A back rub
- Sitting close on the couch
This builds emotional safety, which is foundational to intimacy.
10. Drop the myths and scripts
Her work often centers on unlearning harmful beliefs like:
- “Desire should be spontaneous.”
- “If we have to talk about it, something’s wrong.”
- “Good sex should just happen naturally.”
Replacing myths with realistic expectations makes intimacy freer, calmer, and more connected.
Vanessa Marin’s advice and the advice from the book She Comes First is ultimately about servant-hearted intimacy, teaching that when a man slows down, listens, and focuses first on his partner’s experience, the entire relationship benefits—emotionally, relationally, and physically.
I want to close with some beautiful thoughts about marriage from Theology of the Body:
Men and women image God together—not separately
John Paul II repeatedly emphasizes Genesis 1:27: “Male and female He created them.”
Man alone does not image God; communion does. Therefore, male sexuality does not reach its full meaning unless it is:
- relational
- mutual
- life-giving
- faithful
Men and women image God together—not separately
Masculinity is fulfilled not in domination or control but in communion and complementarity.
John Paul II does not condemn desire. He teaches that:
- sexual desire is created by God
- sin distorts it
- Christ redeems it
A redeemed desire becomes a force for tenderness, unity, and reverence.
A man’s task is to allow God’s grace to transform desire into authentic love, not selfish consumption.
The husband’s role is to initiate love, not just physical intimacy
John Paul II points out that initiation is not mainly sexual; it is spiritual and emotional leadership:
- asking forgiveness
- taking responsibility
- showing tenderness
- creating safety and trust
- pursuing his wife’s heart
This mirrors Christ, who initiates through self-gift, not domination.
Male sexuality becomes holy when united with love
Ultimately, John Paul II teaches that men are called to a love that is:
- self-emptying
- tender
- patient
- reverent
- free
- faithful
In other words, eros lifted by agape.
Sex is holy not because it is private, but because it is meant to be an icon of God’s love.
Conclusion
We believe that we should have this kind of teaching in our churches, if not formally, at least quietly led by a strong couple who has weathered many seasons of marriage. If we seasoned women won’t do it, the world will teach our kids another way.