Even in the early days of being a parent, it can feel like you’re swimming upstream. There are a lot of things we wanted to do to be counter-cultural in our home trying to raise our kids with a Christian worldview and relationship with Christ.
It. Was. Not. Easy. And it certainly got more difficult when the school years started –even with a somewhat curated school environment. Your kids start rubbing elbows with kids from different backgrounds and values. Some of that is a good challenge—and sparks good conversations. Not everyone has to be just like you!
But some of it brought exposure to things we would’ve preferred to come much later or not at all. Now, this can happen even if you homeschool – maybe you have family members who do things differently or whose values differ.
Either way, AT SOME POINT, if you’re serious about where you’re aiming your family, you’re going to find yourself as a parent probably going against the current.
Today’s guest is JOSH POTEET, the lead Pastor of 180 Life Church in West Hartford, Connecticut, and the author of a book called Parenting Against the Current: Taking Back Discipleship in Your Home (recently released May 27). Actually it’s co-authored with Matt Nations.
INTRO: family, background
Josh is an Army veteran. He holds a Master’s in Theology from Liberty University and has been part of the Relational Discipleship Network for 10 years, leading discipleship trainings, both in the U.S. and internationally.
Josh regularly teaches on equipping parents, empowering disciples, training leaders, and helping families embrace their role as primary disciple-makers. His passion for family discipleship is shaped by his personal experiences as a father and his years of walking alongside parents as they raise up tiny disciples.
He and his wife, Jennie, live in Connecticut with their two children, Lilla and Ezra.
Parentingagainstthecurrent.com
Josh, you say you’ve seen firsthand how much parents WANT to lead their kids spiritually — but often don’t feel equipped to do it in everyday life.
Why is that? Why do we lack the how-to?
Deut 6:7: You shall teach them diligently to your children, and speak about them when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road, when you lie down and when you get up.
How would you define discipleship?
(the dust of the rabbi)
Implies an intimate relationship; following along…we do this somewhat automatically with our kids when it comes to how to clean the house or take care of their toys; how to treat siblings & parents; how to work hard at something. When it comes to matters of faith, though, we tend to shrink back. Maybe it’s “not for us to say” or we think it’s SO important an issue that they should make up their own minds about it…because we want it to be their own faith, not ours. (developmentally appropriate time for doubts, questions)
We don’t do this in many other areas…. Leave it to them to decide whether they’ll learn math or not; whether they’ll do chores or not; whether they’ll potty train or not…
Josh emphasized accountability from Mtt 4:19. Having a clear destination in mind with your parenting, and being on the same page as your spouse (parental unity).
Love God, Love Others, and Enjoy Us…. this is his family’s goal. If we could do one small step in any of these areas every day, that’s progress!
If you’re treading water and just surviving, you’re still in the current…and being carried with it. What are you anchored to?
Phrases parents need to be using often:
Will you forgive me? It only takes an ounce of shame to fill a little heart.
when a kid asks a question, if you don’t know, FIND OUT together. This lends security to the child that questions are safe and answerable.
If you fail, you’re failing forward, which is a mark of Jesus’ own disciples.
Practical ways to disciple kids at home without adding pressure
Is it as simple as giving “the moral reason why?”
Few rules w/ firm enforcement and lots of fun
Encouragement for moms who feel like they’re missing it
Even small steps in the right direction “count.” Don’t give up and don’t do nothing.
A vision for parenting that’s deeply rooted in the Gospel, not performance
(our children are not our report cards; there should be lots of margin & room for failure, forgiveness)
[There are] distinctions between the gospel proper (which includes events such as Jesus’ death, burial, resurrection, kingship, and ascension), the gospel response, and the gospel benefits. We respond to the gospel as Jesus called us to: Repent of our sins, believe the Good News, be baptized, and “follow me” (see Mark 1:14-18). That is the gospel response.
Truth and identity: This is who I am and it is like me to act _____ way.
Marcus Warner writes, “Emotional maturity is primarily about two areas of development. First it is about developing a strong identity. Second it is about developing the skills and capacity needed to regulate our emotions. Emotional maturity can be defined as the ability to act like myself, even under stress. To understand this, it can help to look at the process by which our sense of identity grows from birth to adulthood.
As babies, the part of our brains that knows who we are is largely undeveloped. This part of the brain grows through thousands of relational experiences. The driving force behind our identity development is attachment. As babies bond to their mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, grandparents, and aunts and uncles, these attachments form a collection of memories that tell the baby: This is who you are. These are your people. You are like them.
Without the proper maturity development, people will lack the skills and capacity to deal with their emotions. This kind of immaturity makes it almost impossible to act like ourselves when things go wrong. It also makes it much more likely that we will get stuck in unwanted emotions with no idea how to recover.
It may help to think of the left brain is where our narratives about life are stored (that is, our beliefs) and the right brain is where attachments are formed and our sense of group identity develops. Bringing the two parts of the brain together for a healthy core identity might look like this:
Left brain narrative: I am deeply loved by God. Right brain attachment: I feel safe and secure.
Left brain narrative: I am a child of God. Right brain attachment: I feel peace.
Left brain narrative: It is like me to love others well. Right brain attachment: I can bounce back from hard emotions.
Left brain narrative: My people return good for evil. Right brain attachment: I share joy with others easily.
What we believe about ourselves is important, but when it comes to identity formation there is something even deeper than our beliefs. When we learn to form joy-filled attachments and we get our beliefs anchored in our identity in Christ, we have a powerful one-two punch that makes for a very stable sense of self.”
He proposes that maturity comes from learning to know who we are, that is developing a healthy identity in Christ, and developing the skills and capacity to remain who we are under stress, creating resilience. That resilience will allow our identity to drive the way we handle emotions.
Do you see fearfulness in parents? How would you counsel them about that in their role? How can we resist cultural drift without living in fear?
Perfect love casts out fear. (1 John 4:18).
2 Tim 1: 7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self discipline.
What are some intentional rhythms that can strengthen a family’s faith?
Gratitude, prayer, family meals, Bible reading, daily/weekly/yearly rhythms
You say to “lead with purpose, even if you feel behind” because our kids WILL be led. Say more about that.