It’s said that Aboriginal men have a strict policy when it comes to their mothers-in-law: They don’t look directly at them or address them in any way. It’s a tradition that has roots in the culture’s earliest days and probably has done more to ease familial tensions than any in history. (haha)
I know several daughters in law who would like to adopt this policy as well, and for good reason! The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship can be fraught with resentment, miscommunication, and misunderstanding. And then there are the stand-out models that some of us wish we had or some of us enjoy.
So, as we begin this conversation, let’s start with a few stories of some famous MIL/DIL relationships.
SARA ROOSEVELT
Upon hearing her son—and future president—Franklin wanted to marry Eleanor, Sara Roosevelt tried to convince him to break it off. When that didn’t work, she coerced him into keeping it a secret for a year. Sara had a hand in every facet of his life, even ordering construction of a double townhouse after the wedding so that Franklin and Eleanor could live on one side and she could live on the other. Eleanor and Sara were often at odds, including how best to move forward after Franklin’s diagnosis of polio. When Sara died in 1941, Eleanor wrote that it was hard to have known someone for 36 years yet “feel no deep affection or sense of loss.”
MARIE WOOLF
Welcoming the famed writer Virginia Woolf into her fold was something Marie Woolf had no reservations about, but the same wasn’t necessarily true of her new daughter-in-law. Although Marie admired Virginia’s intelligence and considered her her favorite in-law, Virginia perceived Marie’s presence as a reminder of her own tumultuous upbringing that was marked by possessive relatives. “I felt the horror of family life, and the terrible threat to one’s liberty that I used to feel with father,” she once wrote in her diary. “To be attached to her as daughter would be so cruel a fate that I can think of nothing worse.”
ROSE KENNEDY
As the matriarch of the most famous political family in American history, Rose Kennedy was perceived a model of behavior for the women who married her sons. According to Jackie Kennedy, Rose did not fit the stereotype of the overbearing scold: She offered advice when asked but refused to burden Jackie with demands. After the assassination of JFK and Rose’s husband Joe Kennedy’s stroke, Jackie said it was her relationship with Rose that helped keep her a symbol of strength while her grief was under a microscope.
You’re not just marrying the man. You’re marrying his family. Isn’t that how the saying goes?
We recently received a listener topic suggestion about how to be a good DIL, especially when the MIL has a daughter of her own already. This was significant in a couple of ways:
First, DEALING WITH IN-LAWS is one of the Big Three as far as common areas of conflict in a marriage. We usually hear about this topic—and I think we’ve COVERED this topic—from that perspective: when you have difficult in-laws. It’s a notoriously fraught relationship (although it doesn’t HAVE to be)!
So, kudos to this listener because SHE was actually asking the question from a personal perspective. She’s looking in her mirror asking how SHE can be a good daughter in law, not the other way around.
Maybe we tend to look at it the other way around because typically the in laws are OLDER than you and should be WISER than you and certainly probably have more marital experience than you as a new member of their family….so in an ideal world, the in-laws would take the initiative and lead the way into what could be a unique and special relationship.
But this listener was like, never mind all that, maybe WISELY realizing she can’t control any of that in the first place? She can only control her OWN behavior and reactions and expectations in her role as DIL. **applause, applause* Listener!
And, may we add, what lucky in-laws you have. They have such a thoughtful and pro-active new member of the family. They probably don’t even realize!
Second, I don’t think this is our typical posture in our culture. In Asian cultures, for example (I read a lot of Asian literature), throughout history, the DIL would often come into the household of the MIL and in effect, have to prove herself with servitude and humility, suffering insults and criticism all the time.
In our culture (America), we can tend to take more of an us versus them stance to the point that it’s a stereotype and a comic trope.
We each have a married son. Fairly newly married—2-3 yrs out. Mothers and sons have their own sort of relationship, and it’s definitely an adjustment to hand that over to another woman.
But it’s been a sweet adjustment! We love our DIL and appreciate how she complements our son. They’re very compatible and supportive of one another and watching them have fun together, share their faith, and be companions has been a great comfort. It’s the thing you pray most for as a parent. Why in the world would I want to disrupt that or somehow come between them??
The whole “leave and cleave” mandate is at work here. We both did it ourselves when we married somebody’s son! We want/need to form our own family with this new union, with our own traditions and household set up. We want that for our sons, too. And their spouses!
So, to our listener’s question: How to be a good DIL especially when there’s already a daughter in the family.
EXPECTATIONS …. It’s a good idea to take stock of your expectations from the start. So many of our frustrations, disappointments, and conflict comes from unmet expectations…sometimes ones we didn’t even know we had!
So, if you were to make a list of what you expect from your in-laws, what might be on that list? And WHERE did those expectations come from?
Are you bracing for conflict and interpreting actions/behaviors negatively because that’s how all the in-laws in all the movies have been portrayed? So you expect conflict before it even happens? You’re giving out that kind of vibe/energy even if you don’t know it. There’s a good chance your in-laws may be feeling a little bit of prickly from you.
Do you expect your in-laws to automatically know certain things that you haven’t actually communicated? (for example, not to just drop by or not to assume you’ll be at weekly dinners, etc b/c your husband always has).
COMMUNICATION … You’re an adult and your in-laws are adults. While they’re older than you, there’s a decent chance, they’re fairly new at the role of in-law, so you may have to communicate your thoughts and feelings. If it’s in an area of conflict or tension, it’s sometimes better for your husband to do the communicating, but ONLY if he can do it in a way that honors your and your marriage. He shouldn’t explain things like, “Yeah, I know we can’t be there for Christmas Eve like you wanted, but Angela’s family is so pushy and it’d be better if we just go there so she won’t get all mad about it.”
If he can’t do it without throwing you under the in-law bus, then shame on him & that’s a conversation for the two of you to have. But you may also have to step up and just TALK to them and try to negotiate through the conflict. If this is an issue or if you have difficult/resistant in-laws, all you can do is communicate and have some boundaries. Often, solid healthy boundaries can improve the relationship itself.
If there’s already a daughter in the family and you have anything at all in common, try to befriend your sister in law if you can. The more time you spend together & get to know each other, the more likely it is that you’ll be included in conversations/outings/girl trips etc. especially if mom & daughter are close.
Reach out in family group texts. Initiate!!
From the MIL perspective, we can say MILs are—at heart—just people. We’re (most of us) trying our best and learning to navigate the worlds of our adult kids. We need patience and grace. We like to feel appreciated and considered as much as the next woman does. Thank you’s for dinners or gifts; a little something picked up that made me think of you… Do you know your MILs love language??? Your FILs????
We like to hear positive things about our sons. If you have a funny story or a sweet moment to relay, we’d love to hear it. Odds are, YOU’RE the one getting most of the conversations, insights and knowledge about his life now. We don’t stop being interested in our boys once they get married…but we (hopefully! Little by little!) learn to restrain ourselves and savor the bits that we get.
Conversely, if you’re having issues with him, it’s going to take a pretty wise MIL to hear those things. Even his sister might not respond great to that, depending on how it’s offered. AND if mom & daughter are close, that can get back to the MIL…that DIL is complaining about the son…
I think MOST moms know their sons have flaws and failings. We do know something about their tendencies and characters, (although now that they’re adults, we’re trying REALLY HARD not to point things out anymore!!!!)…. If the MIL is overly critical of her son, it’s your job to be his cheerleader and point out the positive things you see/love about him. This is both for your spouse’s benefit and for your in-laws’ benefit. If you’ve been together a long time, it’s easy for people to forget to update their maps of others. So, maybe he used to be careless with money but after working with a CFA and having a better understanding of money, he’s actually the one making sure the credit card is paid off each month.
As a DIL, if you live nearby or fairly close, try to sometimes INITIATE time spent together. If you’re into sports and you ask her to join a softball league with you, don’t just throw your hands up if that’s not her thing. Try something else until you find some common ground. If she loves shopping but to you that’s agony, maybe you could just go every now and then. Rules of friendship apply here. Not everyone will be best friends, but the goal is mutual respect, trust, and ability to talk.
SEEK OUT your MIL for advice. If you consider her trustworthy and wise, ask her stuff. Get a recipe. Ask her about her life. She raised your spouse….surely there are some stories in there!
If/when you have a child, try to be generous with your MIL. You don’t have to agree on every parenting technique/philosophy. (This may be an area where you will need to communicate –or get your husband to on your behalf)….but your child’s relationship with their grandparent is special and irreplaceable, so if at all possible, try to foster that. Let them spend time with your children. You can probably in most cases UNDO all the indulgence of an afternoon.
MOTHER’S DAY…. If you are a mother yourself, what should you do about this “mother of all holidays”?
Recently there was some bruhaha on the socials about how mother’s day should be for the moms who are actually in the thick of it…moms of littles and tweens and teens. They’re the ones who need a real life day off and some pampering—lest they LOSE THEIR MINDS.
It was suggested that there already IS a grandparent’s day and that is the day we can celebrate the older moms, the in-laws and moms who have done their jobs already.
WHAT SAY YOU
Perhaps there’s room to honor ALL? Like ANY holiday, when you’re juggling 3 families and their EXPECTATIONS and traditions, it can be tricky. Good idea to talk about how it might play out more than a week ahead of time. Otherwise, you’re left running to 2 (or more) different homes, dragging tired children along & get lost in the shuffle.
Also makes a difference whether you all live in the same town or if you’re in another state. Is a call/card/flowers sufficient as an acknowledgement/gesture or do you need to mandate that all your children/grandchildren, etc. be present and attentive in every way for the entire day?
Could there be room for a brunch with a MIL and then the DIL has the rest of the day to do as they please?? Could the DIL and/or daughter take a day the PREVIOUS week or maybe a long wknd as compensation??
If people can be flexible and not demand that ALL ACTIVITIES occur on THE DAY OF…that may be one solution.
I think this falls under the husband’s purview… HE should be shopping/planning for his own mother. He can come up with a plan that considers BOTH parties, knowing (and maybe having to communicate) that all parties may possibly not get 100% of their expectations met.
In the realm of in-law relations, I think Paul’s instructions in Ephesians 4 to the church at large are very wise:
I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, 2 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, 3 eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
The worthy walk is tied to our calling in following Jesus. We strive for all humility, gentleness, patience. Bearing with one another in love. That phrase “bearing with one another” means to hold oneself up against, i.e. (figuratively) put up with — bear with, endure, forbear, suffer. “Eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit” means properly, to be swift (go fast, be speedy); (figuratively) to move speedily by showing full diligence (fully applying oneself).
God is inviting us, through Jesus, into a lifelong process of transformation so that we are fit to live in His presence. As Augustine noted, “None can become fit for the future life, who hath not practiced himself for it now.”
Take heart. Invite God into the process of loving your MIL well, bearing with her in love. As I like to say, an ounce of obedience is worth a pound of theology. I think you’ll understand God’s love for us more and more as you love this person who can be difficult to love!