We’ve talked a lot about how motherhood (especially the early years) can feel lonely & isolating. More & more (because of jobs & greater mobility), families no longer live in the same community, so the shared responsibilities and support that come with that have to come intentionally, deliberately by seeking out friends.
We host a newly married group in our home regularly & one of the catalysts for starting the group was that so many of them were looking for “their people.” They’d reached a different stage of life with a new person & were seeking other people who understood what the transition felt like.
Did they drop all the friends they had before marriage? Of course not—they play their own role–but sometimes you need people in your own life stage. They can be good sounding boards, sanity checkers, and supporters.
Your spouse might be your friend, but your spouse can’t fulfill every need or necessarily relate to all you’re dealing with as a mom.
The book of Proverbs has several things to say about friendships, not the least of which is that friends bring unique richness, wisdom, and blessing into your life. It teaches that fools perish for LACK of friends or for WRONGLY CHOSEN friends. And this high view of friendship was written in the midst of a very traditional, family-oriented culture. God is telling us that friendship brings something that family cannot.
Tim Keller once preached a sermon about friendship that I thought was really helpful in understanding the “why” behind friends. So, your family is going to be there for you in adversity because they care, there’s loyalty, there’s memory. They’re going to be there for you, but they may not like you. But a friend is someone who has chosen you.
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity. Proverbs 17:17
One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Proverbs 18:24
The Hebrew word for “sticks” a friend who “sticks closer than a brother” is often translated “cleave.” It’s a passionate love. A friend is better in many ways than a sibling. A friend is there even when it costs them; and true friendships do cost us. (Happy parent analogy) God is telling us healthy friencship is a necessity for living a wise life.
So….mom friends. Where do they come from? What makes a good one?
- Church. Lots of churches have “mom’s day out” programs, nurseries, etc. or children’s programs. Linger outside the classrooms at drop off/pick up and meet the moms of your child’s classmates. Get to know the kids too so you have stuff to talk about initially.
- Mommy & me classes
- Library/bookstore reading times
- Lamaze or childbirth classes
- Work out groups or walking with neighbors
- Family—sometimes sisters or SILs fit this bill. Sometimes too much time with family gets complicated. You know who you are.
If you’re a super-introvert, small talk stuff is not your fav & you’re less comfortable in social get-togethers. Look for others doing the same & ask them to coffee or lunch.
Playdates with other kids your child mentions they get along with.
When they get to be school age, finding mom friends may be easier b/c the kids are busier. There’s all the logistics of sports, class projects, field trips, carpooling. If you can, make time to volunteer for some things.
**We tend to evaluate each other as moms first and women second. We’re already second-guessing ourselves, full of guilt & doubt, we want to be able to feel safe and not judged by a friend.
Ralph Waldo Emerson says this, “friendship does not ask ‘do you love me?’ so much as ‘do you see the same truth?’” C.S. Lewis puts it like this, “the typical expression of opening friendship would be something like, ‘What, you too? I thought I was the only one.’”
Barna Study in 2018 article: The majority of adults has anywhere between two and five close friends (62%), but one in five regularly or often feels lonely.
No matter where friends meet, people tend to be drawn to those who are more like them. Asked whether their current friends are mostly similar to themselves or mostly different from them in a number of areas, the majority always chooses mostly similar. This is true for religious beliefs (62% similar, 38% different), race or ethnicity (74% vs. 26%), income (56% vs. 44%), education level (63% vs. 37%), social status (70% vs. 30%), political views (62% vs. 38%) and life stage (69% vs. 31%).
Things to watch for:
- Similar parenting styles. If they only eat organic vegan from scratch and you’re a regular at the CFA playplace, you might not mesh. If you can’t abide spanking and you’re friends with a mom who isn’t afraid to swat now & then, it might be dicey. Don’t have to be on the same page about EVERYTHING but sharing a fundamental worldview helps.
- You have to be able to relax and be real. If you’re always worried about your kid making a mess at their house, or your house having to look perfect before they come over, or having to look your best in some sort of competitive way, then no.
- Good to have a similar # of kids.
- Kids of similar ages –dealing with different issues
- Don’t be cliquey once you have your tribe—include & reach out. This can be hard b/c it may change the dynamics of your group, but kindness is never wasted.
Sometimes you want to talk about MORE than tantrums & diapers etc. Can they do that? That’s what might start the friendship, but if you can’t get past that….to being honest about marriage, struggles, real-life stuff then maybe keep that friend for who they are, but look for others who can go deeper.
I have friends from before kids & we do things difftly but our history covers that. When making NEW mom friends, tho, their parenting philosophy carries more weight.
Unlike MARRIED-COUPLE friends, mom friends can be separate from spouse. You don’t necessarily have to gel with the dad, too, when most of your time is spent just with them & their kids. If you plan to trade childcare, you do need to know something about your friend’s spouse & be comfortable with them also spending time with your child.
Mom friends may change with seasons of life. Those women I hung out with at cheer competitions or karate practices eventually moved on to other groups when our children moved on to other things.
Maybe you’re almost done with raising your kids—facing teen issues or college—and a mom friend has a “surprise” baby. That could shift the friendship as all of a sudden the time factors change. As a mom back in the baby stage, she won’t have the free time you might, and her focus changes.
ALL your mom friends don’t have to be bffs. There are subsets of friends/acquaintances like a Venn diagram (a Frenn diagram?) that might shift according to circumstances. In fact, introverts are probably likely to have only one or two friends they’d consider BEST friends. Some friends you’d vacation with and some you’d only see at Saturday soccer.
Different types of mom friends that can overlap:
Always There. Drops everything to help. Your biggest cheerleader. Totally gets you & loves you anyway.
Truth Teller. Helps you see sides, blunt. Tells it like it is. Good sounding board. Will always tell you when you have spinach in your teeth or missed a stray chin hair.
Comic Relief. Always up for the fun. Sends the best gifs/texts to cheer you up. Helps you laugh (sometimes to keep from crying.)
Wise. Sometimes older, but seems expert level on lots of things—recipes, money, etc.—like a mom but doesn’t ask you when you’re gonna change your hair.
Old Connection. Easy to pick up where you left off. Similar life paths. Knew you when.
In 20’s & 30’s, more hyper-aware or questioning of self. More likely to keep maintaining friendships even if they are one-sided or even negative.
you’re the one always reaching out (texts, invites)
you’re always the listener to the next crisis/drama
you’re always showing up but don’t feel very “shown up for”
you always leave their presence feeling slightly worse about yourself/judged
In 40’s & 50’s, the pressure of time/life frees you to let some of these friendships wane and cultivate ones that are more give & take or are less toxic.
If you have experienced God’s grace, you find other people who otherwise are different in every other way, except for the depth of their shared faith. When I find somebody who’s deepest affinity is my deepest affinity yet in almost every other way unlike me, think of the potential. Think of the potential. Christian friendships are so radical and so exhilarating and so enriching and don’t be afraid, you say “oh my gosh, how do I know if I choose the right one? Just try!
C.S. Lewis puts it like this; “We think we’ve chosen our own friends but for Christians there are, strictly speaking, no chances. A secret master of ceremonies is always at work.” “Christ who said to the disciples, “you have not chosen me I have chosen you”, can also say every group of Christians friends, “you have not chosen one another but I’ve chosen you for one another.” At the feast of friendship, it is God who has spread the board, and it is God who has chosen the guests. It is He who sometimes does and always should preside, let us not reckon without our host.” Make Him the friend your heart desires and you will have all the friends your heart needs.