As you might expect, parents have lots of questions about how to handle defiant children, what to do about tantrums or constant conflict, and those are totally legit concerns. In today’s episode, though, we’re going to talk about “the easy kid.”
Why have a whole episode on the LACK of behavior issues? Compliance is what all parents dream of. Or Is it?
First, we want to make a distinction through a scenario of what we call “macro” and “micro” behaviors. All kids will test your limits—that’s a given. We are made to want to rule ourselves. But the WAY they might test them can be vastly different.
Say you have one kid—Justin—who came out of the womb bold and fearless. He wakes up one morning & decides today’s the day…(and you know what I’m talking about, moms) Today’s the day I’m going for it and I’m taking the woman down with me. Every rule will be broken and not just broken but broken BIG. Let’s say in Justin’s home, his parents have said you’re not allowed to get a snack without asking. So, he’s going to go empty every bag of Goldfish out into a big bowl, serve some to the dog, and set himself in front of the TV eating fish by the handful.
You get the picture—Justin is what we’d call a macro kid. When he jumps it’s with a big, loud GERONIMO and you’re gonna feel the splash. If he’s going for it, he might as well make it worth it. ‘Cause he knows the consequences are coming but the pleasure of the broken rule outweighs them.
Then, there’s your other kid—Jake. You tell Jake to come sit down at the table for lunch and he quietly makes it all the way over to the table, puts one foot on the bottom rung of the chair, and stands there ready for his PBJ.
Which one’s the defiant child? OBVIOUSLY it’s Justin. Justin is wayyy across the line, reveling in his disobedience. Jake came to the table like you asked. Right? While you’re dealing with the goldfish Justin has trailed all over the living room, Jake’s having the nice lunch you fixed, unspoiled by contraband snacks.
Most parents, having to deal with the two vastly different kids, focus on the Justins. They HAVE to—you can’t overlook their behaviors because they’re so in-your-face with their “what’re you gonna do about it” challenges.
But don’t miss what’s going on with Jake, who you’ve labeled your “easy child.” In Jake’s mind, he’s as much over the line as his brother Justin, but because it’s subtle, it’s dismissible, and you overlook it. What did you ACTUALLY ask Jake to do? You said to come SIT at the table for lunch. He knows it and you know it, but he tests the limits. What will happen if I obey just 80%? Most of the time: nothing.
What does that teach Jake? His half-hearted obedience is good enough. At least it’s not as bad as his brother. Hmmm. (A lot of us think that way as adults, too. At least I’m not as bad as THAT guy. God doesn’t really want my WHOLE heart, at least I didn’t ignore Him ALL the way.)
Don’t ignore your “easy kid” because let’s face it, it’s so nice to not have all the conflict. There’s still conflict going on under the surface that you may not be addressing.
COMPLIANCE
Dictionary definition is “the act of obeying an order, rule, or request.” When you think of compliance, is there a negative or positive connotation associated with it?
You might think of OSHA or EPA—companies that have to be compliant with regulations or they’ll get fined. Should people be compliant? Should we expect our children to be?
If you look at the thinking for most of history, educators and parents viewed children not as “small adults,” but as potential adults, in need of shaping to be good citizens. Their brains are not fully developed, their judgment and reasoning isn’t sound (b/c they don’t have the life experiences or knowledge OR brain development to make applications in context). Adults (presumably parents for the most part) were tasked with guiding children to good behaviors that would help them succeed socially and economically. In order to do that, they needed to obey, even when, at first, they might not REASONABLY understand a parent’s wishes.
Wise parents TEACH through requiring obedience. They’re not just barking orders that they expect to be obeyed because “I’m bigger than you are.” They’re explaining, discipling, and modeling the WHY behind the obedience. We don’t steal or grab things from others, not because it might get you in big trouble if you grab from someone stronger than you, but because it’s RUDE and disrespectful of another person.
Our goal is to have our children obey, not out of fear of punishment or “because I said so or else” but because what we’re teaching them is right and good and pointing them to something bigger than themselves. Obedience helps shape character through repetition and non-conflict.
CAN WE INSERT THE LAST GKGW SURVEYS WHERE PARENTS DID NOT WANT COMPLIANCE BUT THINKING/QUESTIONING AUTHORITY MORE THAN THEY DID 20 YEARS AGO?
[Hedgehog Review 1/7/22 “You’re Not the Boss of Me: Parental Authority and Liberal Society,” by Rita Koganzon]
“…a modern turn toward what one writer calls “acceptance parenting,” a presumption on the part of parents that their job is not to impose their own standards for a good life on their children, but instead to nurture the future adult latent in their undifferentiated child into the best possible version of itself that it can be, whatever it happens to be.
Parenting becomes a scramble to suss out and affirm the complete adult within the child, taking care never to undermine or repress its development, even if that development runs counter to every parental hope. In this paradigm, “the parent is demoted from wise authority figure to tentative spokesperson for the child’s future self.”
How did we get here?
The answer, put simply, is from our liberal democratic regime. The highest values of liberal democracy are liberty and equality, and while these are formally only the guiding principles of our politics, they easily and logically bleed into private and social life as well.
AS THEY GET OLDER—and this is key—we can and should dialogue with our kids about why we do what we do, asking them questions to see if they’ve internalized our teaching. They can and probably will ask US why questions, testing and probing the validity of our discipling.
Having an obedient 5 yr old is a good thing. (It will keep him out of a lot of hazards.) Having an obedient 17 yr old is another….. by then, obedience while he was little should have transitioned into self-motivation/initiative, with his own heart capable of knowing right from wrong. (Does this make sense? An obedient young adult seems stuck in a childish place….he should still respect you, but your relationship should have changed to influencer/coach rather than absolute authority…..altho he’s still under your roof and you CAN still require the car keys or phone if lines are crossed)
The Dobson Library (an extensive of Focus on the Family) noted three pitfalls to watch for with a compliant child:
1. It is very easy to cultivate a long-term dependency relationship with the compliant individual.
The bond between generations is so satisfying to the mother, especially, and so secure for the child, that neither is willing to give it up. Yet it must change in time. God did not intend for adults and their parents to have the same relationship as they did when the kids were small. Growth and maturity demand that children wiggle free from their parents’ clutches and establish independent lives of their own. The compliant child has a more difficult time disengaging from the security of his nest because there has been no conflict there. By contrast, the strong-willed child is often desperate to get free. This process by which late adolescents and grown “children” are granted their independence is so important that I’ve devoted an entire chapter (11) to that topic.
2. The compliant child often has difficulties holding his own with his siblings.
3. The compliant child is more likely to internalize his anger and look for ways to reroute it.
Haven’t you seen two-child families where one youngster was a stick of dynamite who blew up regularly, and the other was an All-Star sweetheart? Under those circumstances it is not unusual for parents to take their cooperative sibling for granted. If there is an unpleasant job to be done, he will be expected to do it. Mom and Dad just don’t have the energy to fight with the tiger.
If one child is to be chosen for a pleasant experience, it will probably go to the brattier of the two. He would scream bloody murder if excluded. When circumstances require one child to sacrifice or do without, you know who will be elected. Parents who favor the strong-willed child in this way are aware that they are being unfair, but their sense of justice has yielded to the pressures of practicality. They are simply too depleted and frustrated to risk irritating the tougher kid.
The consequences of such inequity should be obvious. Even though the compliant child goes along with the program and does not complain, he may accumulate a volume of resentment through the years. Isn’t that what seems to have occurred to the brother of the Prodigal Son? He was the hard-working, responsible, compliant member of the family. Apparently, his kid brother was irresponsible, flighty and very strong-willed. If we may be permitted to extrapolate a bit from the biblical account in Luke 15:11-32, it seems likely that there was little love lost between these sons, even before the prodigal’s impulsive departure.
Renee’s note: I think that the compliant brother failed to understand the Father’s love… “My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours.” While the rebellious brother came to his senses and suspected his father’s mercy, even if he didn’t expect his father’s extravagant celebration and rejoicing. (Tim Keller notes in his sermon that for a Middle Eastern man to lift the hem of his garments and run was a wholly humiliating experience.) Okay
So, do we want compliant children?
I’d say, when our children are young, obedience serves them and us both—the whole family actually, when it’s out of a correct motive. If you have a TRULY happy and easy-going child, then lucky you & lucky them!!
Compliant children are certainly for the most part more pleasant to raise than their openly defiant opposites.
There are some things to look out for with your easy kid, which will clue you in to whether they’re simply a happy, chill kid or whether there’s more going on under the surface:
Compliant children can often feel/be overlooked or taken for granted, esp when there’s a more outspoken child as a sibling. All the parents’ efforts go into correcting, helping, reacting to the more defiant child. “The squeaky wheel gets the grease.”
If there’s an unpleasant job to do, the compliant child might get tapped b/c mom doesn’t have the energy to fight the bear. If one child has to do without or sacrifice, it’s often the compliant one who won’t complain as loudly.
With that sort of imbalance, the easy kid will likely develop resentment and anger, simmering below the surface. She might also become “proud of her behavior,” like the older brother in the Prodigal Son, and overconfident in her abilities/worthiness. (preoccupation with fairness, might even be happy when the “bad kid” gets in trouble or attempt to “even the score” by GETTING the “bad kid” in trouble.) The combination of pride & injustice can lead compliant children to become passive-aggressive, manipulative, and devious in their relationships with others. (Sidney & Norman, A Tale of Two Pigs by Paul Vischer)
They can be prone to perfectionism (& its cousins, depression/anxiety) since they often feel trapped by their desire to cooperate/please.
They might feel the weight of keeping family peace. Watching a sibling in constant conflict with parents teaches them to avoid it and earn approval instead. Relieved & grateful parents might even label this child to emphasize her sweetness: “Miss Sunshine”, which might convey burdensome expectations.
They might view conflict as “bad” causing kids to avoid it by withdrawing, humor, frequent (unnecessary) apologies.
Want to avoid stressing already stressed parents, so they don’t express (or maybe don’t know HOW to express) their feelings.
Are you dividing your kids into “good kid/bad kid”? (In all families, and with all kids, they’ll trade roles often….)
Do you rely on your easy kid to make life easier?
Are you creating unfair expectations from your easy kid? (to keep the peace, relieve your own stress, diffuse conflict, etc.,)
Show love to your compliant kid, ask how she feels. Show love to her when she messes up (so her identity/approval/love is not tied to her “goodness.”)
Compliant kids do not often STAY that way. The feelings build and they may openly rebel, leave home and pair up with controlling partners, numb.
Communicate that they’re loved no matter what (whether they have feelings that might cause conflict, whether they cause conflict, etc.)
Communicate that conflict is not bad, it’s inevitable. They need your example of how to deal with it in a healthy way. (this might be hard for you, depending on your own childhood)
Teach them to advocate for themselves/share their feelings. Ask their opinion. Nudge—are you feeling anxious about your brother getting in trouble?