[not a direct transcript or summary]
Having a baby is arguably the most life-upending event in a person’s life. Renee and I have both been through it—twice each—and I think we’d both admit there was a definite line drawn of life BEFORE and AFTER that first child arrived.
Today we’ve got a special guest on the podcast—Emma Goodwyn, who happens to BE Renee’s firstborn child. But instead of talking about how much HER arrival changed her mom, we’re going to be talking about the arrival of ANOTHER baby: this time, Emma’s own daughter.
Emma’s been married three years and just about 3 months ago, she and her husband, Thomas, welcomed baby Dottie into their family. She’s a graphic designer, babysat from the time she was legally allowed, and has always wanted to be a mother.
To begin, how would you describe your mom-daughter relationship? (e.g., close, antagonistic, distant or daily basis)
Emma: when you found out you were expecting, besides telling your husband, who’d you tell first? How did Renee respond to the news?
Was she full of advice or did she let you navigate things without inserting opinions?
Renee: What was your initial reaction to the news that your daughter would be having her own child? Did it take you a while to get used to the idea?
We all go into motherhood (and grandparenthood) with our own experiences having shaped us and guiding our trajectory. How did your own relationship with your mom/grandmother/MIL determine what sort of grandparent role you thought you would have?
We’ve talked quite a bit on this podcast about transitions and big life changes. Everybody faces them if we live long enough.
Emma: I’m sure your relationship with your mom changed when you got married. (describe?) Can you describe how/if it changed again when you were expecting?
Giving Birth:
When I had my first, one of my sisters was with me because I’d lost my mom by then. I can tell you for sure I had lots of questions I didn’t get answered and would’ve felt enormous comfort/support had she been there to turn to. I’m sure you two downloaded about pregnancy & birth experiences the whole 9 months. Were you on the same page about labor options? Did you feel pressured to do it like your mom had? (Or, Renee, did you want to influence Emma one way or another?) Did you assume you’d be in the delivery room together?
Concerns/Anxiety:
Being a mom never stops. Our concern for our kids never goes away even when they’re totally competent adults on their own not really “needing” us anymore. What it was like watching Emma physically change—making it obvious that she was definitely going to have her own child? Did you have concerns/worries? (gestational diabetes, morning sickness, etc..) This is one of those situations that is totally out of our hands.
Dottie Arrives!
Were you getting updates from L&D the whole time or was it like the 1960s where you were just pacing the hallways waiting to hear?
(You were actually at a girls’ bday dinner for ME—insane!—when you got the news…) & were about to declare a 911 emergency if you didn’t get a picture on your phone IMMEDIATELY
Emma—did it go as you’d expected? Were you happy with your experience? Tell us about the moment your mom first saw your daughter.
Renee—what’s your perspective on this moment?
Now you’re Nee… how did you come up with the name? Did Emma have input?
Emma: how do you think Renee is doing as a grandmother? Is it weird seeing her in a way that’s different from how you’ve always thought of her (mom)? (you’ve had to adjust to this somewhat already with seeing her as a MIL etc…)
From Anna Quindlen’s Nanaville: Adventures in Grandparenting: What’s expected of new parents is pretty clear. But it’s less clear for grandparents. Someone else nurses the baby. Someone else decides whether she’ll be rocked to sleep or allowed to cry it out, whether he can have his thumb or a pacifier. Someone else chooses her name and if you don’t like it you’d better arrange your face as though you do… So much of being a mother is doing things: feeding, diapering, reading, chasing. But an important part of being a grandmother is that thing mothers often find most challenging: hanging back.
Quindlen compares grandparenting to auditioning. Mom & Dad are already cast. But a grandparent has to convince everyone where they fit into the day-to-day. Maybe that’s why some try so hard, buy the forbidden toys, allow the TV, etc.
Have ya’ll actively discussed this—how and where the grandparents will fit in—or is it just an organically evolving situation?
Have you had to set limits/boundaries for yourself or with each other?
(this would depend on the existing relationship before grandchild arrives, but the grandchild COULD change things in a way the adults didn’t foresee).
Another good resource: Anne Lamott’s book Some Assembly Required.