Mama said there’d be days like these. I don’t care how “prepared” you are, there’s nothing like bringing home that baby and having the weight of responsibility for that tiny human squarely on your shoulders 24/7. Of course, you love them fiercely, but self-doubt, lack of sleep, and that nasty accusing voice inside can be a brutal Trifecta.
We’ve all been there. Days when you think your only option is to flee or simply let the kids turn feral. The images of shiny, happy families on “everybody else’s” social media just seem to rub it in, and that voice keeps whispering “you’re a bad mom,” “what kind of mother feels this way?” “why can’t you get it together?”
STOP.
All of that is a pile of big, fat lies. You’re not the only one. You’re doing great just showing up. Give yourself some grace, girl!
And, for goodness sake: No, it won’t always be like this.
Both of us have had our turn with bouts of depression and anxiety while raising our kids. Post-partum hormones don’t play. Neither of us were what we’d call the “natural mothering type.” So we soldiered on, cried lots of tears, and–yes, sometimes–listened to the ugly voices.
How we react to the demands and stress of parenting might look different depending on your personality or your family of origin. Maybe you snap at the least little thing, overreacting to the spilled Cheerios like Godzilla with PMS. Toddlers and teens can make you very yelly. Or maybe you’re quieter, withdrawing into silence and resentment. Maybe you cry, letting the tears mix with the water falling in the shower.
Or, maybe you’re like hundreds of women lured by the “mommy juice” fad, thinking you’ll just take the edge off. There seem to be lots of edges. (Don’t even get me started on how 2020 has fueled this flame.) There’s some great resources out there if this is your particular gremlin. One of my favs is Laura McKowen, who speaks from experience on this one.
So what can you do when you feel like this? When everything’s not ok?
- Recognize your red flags. Know yourself. Give yourself a time-out by taking a walk, going outside, calling a friend. It doesn’t have to be a full three-day weekend. Sometimes even just 5 minutes every now and then can give you enough breathing space to avoid losing it.
- Enlist your people. TALK to someone–your spouse, your best friend, a sister–and let them know you’re not doing so great sometimes. Nine times out of ten, they’ll be relieved you said something because THEY were feeling the same way and were too scared or ashamed to admit it.
- Get some exercise. Walk off the stress. Jump rope with your kids or get on the trampoline. Swim. Your body stores all the stress/anxiety/panic/fear inside and it CAN’T release it until you do something physical to complete the stress cycle. Brene Brown’s Unlocking Us podcast has a brilliant episode that explains how this works.
- Set some boundaries for yourself. If the endless scroll of social media makes you feel worse about how you’re supposedly “not doing it right” or “not doing enough,” (which it’s notorious for), then set some screen limits. Free yourself!
- See a counselor. Everyone’s got their stuff, and the sooner you figure out what yours is, the better off you and ALL your relationships will be. Plus, maybe they’ll recommend some *usually temporary* medical solutions that can really help.
- Stop the negative cycle of talking trash to yourself! If you wouldn’t say it to your best friend, don’t say it to yourself. Catch those thoughts and kick them out of your head! Replace them with something positive. Instead of “I’m a terrible mom for not wanting to get up in the night with my sick child,” say “I’m such a caring mom for cleaning up these sheets–again.”
- Recognize that PERFECT IS POISON. It’s an unattainable illusion (just like “having control”) that will plague you. You think you’re “not enough?” Guess what? Neither are we. No one is enough, which is why we are given each other and a God who completes us. Revel in the freedom of that! (*All the praise hands*) Another great resource here is also from Brene Brown.
Parenting is a marathon. Much of it is two steps forward, three steps back. As long as you can look back (sometimes over weeks or months) and see any small progress in the right direction, throw yourself a party and declare it a good day. When things are falling apart and your house seems like Lord of the Flies, just do the next right thing. JUST eat a snack. JUST put on deodorant. JUST change the diaper.
It won’t always be like this, we promise.
If this has been helpful to you, please share it! If you have a question you want to just ask your mom, let us know by commenting or emailing us at justaskyourmompodcast@gmail.com.
Listen to Podcast Episode 1