Teens and parents. Those three words can strike fear and trepidation in the hearts of those who are facing this season of parenting. And if you’re IN that season of parenting, well, it can feel like a minefield. 

We’ve already talked on this show about how the brain of a teen goes through a phase of change (plasticity and pruning of brain pathways) as did the brain of your toddler years earlier. Environmental factors can have major, lasting effects on this changing brain circuitry. Because teens are so readily influenced by emotions (is anyone surprised by this???), they can really benefit by learning in positive ways that are intentionally designed to train emotional regulation. And guess who is very influential in this? The parent!

We’ve interviewed lots of parents on this podcast, but for this conversation, we thought it’d be helpful to get a teen’s perspective. So, Matthew Houser is with us today. He’s the son of Josh Houser of Seeds Family Worship. When we interviewed Jason Houser, Josh’s brother, he mentioned that Matthew had written a great article on what teens wish their parents knew.

A Teen’s Advice To Parents

At the time of our interview, Matthew Houser was 21 years old and had been married for a year. He reflected on his teenage years and the struggles he went through after being introduced to porn at age 8 by a neighbor. From ages 10-13, he struggled with that addiction before he asked his father for help breaking free.

Today, Matthew is an entrepreneur, heading lullabyhousemusic.com, which produces lovely mellow music for babies. Give it a listen–the songs are so sweet!!

1. Create Space For Your Kids To Encounter God

You mention that your parents wanted you and your siblings to follow Jesus. They talked alot about God and you spent time at church as a family. You did VBS and Awana and even got baptized to please your parents.

What did your parents do to help you really encounter God?

In retrospect, were VBS and Awana effective for you? Why or why not?

2. Remember Your Kids are Watching You

You wrote that one of the things that impacted your life most was watching your parents walk with God. 

What were your parents doing day in and day out?

What were you thinking when you watched them?

What kind of conversations did you have in your house?

What kind of entertainment did your family consume? (Thinking of the big Disney uproar of late.)

3. Become Friends with your Teen

We talk a lot on this podcast about how friendship is the destination in parenting, but not the current reality for most of the child-rearing years. 

Tell us what you mean when you recommend parents become friends with their teens.

You wrote that your parents told you that if you did anything wrong just to tell them and the consequences would not be severe… but if I was caught doing something bad, the consequences would be severe. How did that work out?

Matthew weighed in on his thoughts on some of the following advice from other teens:

Not Every Conversation Has to Be a Lesson

Sometimes, teenagers just want a friend. You’ve been there with them for 13+ years and all you want to do is teach, discipline, and mentor.

Our Room is Our Safe Space

After a long day of school and other daily activities, we come home to our quiet place. It’s our safe haven if you will. We can unwind, do what we want, and have the privacy (most of the time) to be ourselves. True–but privacy is an earned privilege that comes with trust. With demonstrated untrustworthiness, teens may find they have less privacy!

We’re Still Learning A Lot

We’re going to make mistakes. That’s the whole point of being a teenager. It’s right in between being a kid and being an adult. Let us learn new things by ourselves, and let us do it our way. Some parents like things done a specific way. Instead, encourage your teenager to do it in a way that seems most efficient to them.

Respect Our Privacy

Our privacy is like the blanket that keeps us whole. The moment you start trying to lift that blanket up, we’ll always be on edge, trying to hide everything from you. If we want to tell you something, we will. The more you get nosy or judge us, the less we’ll tell you about ourselves. That’s a teen’s nature. If you don’t support us, we don’t want to share. Cultivate the culture of family as a safe space early on to foster open conversations where nothing’s off the table.

Don’t Bug Us When We’re Upset

When I’m upset, don’t ask me every second, “What’s wrong! What’s wrong!” Don’t give in to the parental temptation to “mood fix.”

Ask If You Can Share Your Thoughts

Teenagers wish their parents knew to ask before they share. Meaning, listen to your teenager. Asking before info-dumping or opinion-sharing with “can I speak into that?” or “can I share my opinion on that?” shows respect for your teen. AND–be ready for it–also gives them the option to answer with a “no.”

Praise us for Right Behavior

There are times when we try really hard at home… to keep dishes clean, our room tidy, and get laundry done properly. Other times we’re too lazy, get busy, or simply forget. Either way, teens wish they were rewarded for when they do something right. Most of the time, you only notice what’s wrong. When we do something right, let us know! We love positive reinforcement. When we do something wrong, remind us. We get caught up in things just like you and make other priorities.

We Rebel Because We’re Curious

To put it into better words, we don’t rebel just because. We rebel because we’re trying to decide things for ourselves.

Com-pro-mise

If there’s one thing teenagers wish their parents knew, it’s to compromise. Everyone say it with me… com-pro-mise. Teenagers absolutely hate this saying: “Because I said so”

Our Emotions Are Just as Valid as Yours

We’re allowed to cry, feel pain, grief, and all other emotions that come with the human body. As far as I’m aware, I don’t think it says humans aged 13-19 aren’t allowed to feel emotions in any biology textbook. DO NOT tell us not to cry or especially threaten us if we continue to cry.

Our Phone is Our Social Life

Parents listen up! If you think your teen is ruining their life because they’re on their phone, you are wrong. You grew up in a different generation, we know. Things were different back then, we know.

When you were a child, televisions were new to the world and you adapted, because that’s what humans do. We adapt to the world around us or we get left behind. In Matthew’s words, teens don’t know what they need. They STILL need parental involvement and limits. Especially in this area where we’re all still learning our way.