Happy Heart Day! This is kind of a love it or hate it holiday, isn’t it? It can be really disheartening for some people—kids included—because it celebrates couples and love & friendships and if you happen to not HAVE a big love life, then where does that leave you?
I like to look at it positively and see it as just one more chance to spread love in the world, whether YOU happen to be paired or single.
Worth looking at the def of “love”. Contrary to popular culture’s opinion (Bachelor objectification, Love should make me happy, the One True Love trope), Love is a verb. When we look at some of the earliest “one another” commands in scripture (the 10 commandments), we see that others are not for our dismissal nor for our consumption.
Love—in its realest, truest sense—is a repeated choice to continue in relationship with another DESPITE. You like someone BECAUSE. You love someone ALTHOUGH. Although you’re the loudest breather I have ever known possible, I will love you. Although you never clean the clumps out of your hairbrush, I choose to love you.
Happiest couples are the ones who move past the difficulties and bumps to the other side. They’re made stronger for having had to communicate, forge their way through obstacles.
It’s not the ones (necessarily) with the fairy tale proposals or the ones who “accept the rose.” It’s not even about volcanic chemistry or undeniable attraction. It’s the daily small choices and sacrifices. The partnership and commitment. Small affections and ability to laugh at & with each other. Those who stay and those who show up.
As for the holiday that celebrates love…
Valentine’s Day actually has deep roots in Christian history. One of the best ways to turn the holiday to a good purpose is to emphasize this aspect of the tradition.
You might start by telling your child the story of St. Valentine (Valentinus), in whose honor the day was originally observed. Focus on the Family has an excellent audio retelling of this historical figure called “The Last I Do”. https://www.adventuresinodyssey.com/episodes/562-the-last-i-do/ My kids knew more about this than I did by listening again and again to this beautiful story.
The story is set during the reign of Emperor Claudius II, at a time when the Roman army was involved in many bloody and unpopular military campaigns. Claudius, it seems, was having difficulty recruiting soldiers, and he believed the reason was that men did not want to leave their lovers or families. As a result, he cancelled all marriages and engagements in Rome. Valentine was a Christian priest who aided his fellow believers by performing secret marriages in defiance of the emperor’s decree. As a result, he was arrested and dragged before the Prefect of Rome, who condemned him to death. He suffered martyrdom on the 14th day of February, about the year 270.
The story of Valentine’s life, ministry, and martyrdom can be used to underscore the idea that, from the Christian point of view, love, sex, and romance are all directed toward and summed up in a single biblical concept – the concept of marriage: “From the beginning of creation, God made them male and female. For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” (Mark 10:6-8, quoting Genesis 2:24). Valentine gave his life in order to defend, protect, and preserve this precious gift of God. We can celebrate the day by commemorating his sacrifice and reaffirming the value of the institution of marriage. https://www.focusonthefamily.com/family-qa/keeping-valentines-day-positive-for-kids/
In addition to the US, Valentine’s Day is celebrated in Canada, Mexico, the UK, France & Australia. Americans probably began exchanging hand-made valentines in the early 1700s. By the middle of the 18th c, friends & lovers of all classes exchanged handwritten notes or tokens.
In the 1840s, Esther A. Howland began selling the first mass-produced valentines in America. Howland, known as the “Mother of the Valentine,” made elaborate creations with real lace, ribbons and colorful pictures known as “scrap.” Today, according to the Greeting Card Association, an estimated 145 million Valentine’s Day cards are sent each year, making Valentine’s Day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year (more cards are sent at Christmas).
So we have this Esther Howland lady to thank for the “valentine box” phenomenon that descends on classrooms across America every February.
Even in preschool, each year we knew to save the shoeboxes b/c we were going to be asked to decorate and bring in a valentine box for the class party. These shoeboxes – like every other lower grade class project—meant parents (usually mom) were scavenging glue, paper, ribbons, stickers etc to create elaborate “mailboxes” for the classroom valentine delivery that would happen during the party.
Back in the day, (Renee, do you remember?) when we had to do these, there wasn’t a “rule” that you had to give a valentine to everyone in your class. So, yeah, it could be harsh. The popular kids’ boxes would be stuffed with usually the best valentines & extra candy and some kids in the class would just get a few. Since my kids were in school, it wasn’t that way. They had to provide a valentine for EACH student. Boys had to give one to ALL the girls & vice versa (torture in some cases).
It was a big deal picking out valentines. A lot easier to do the box and valentines for daughter than son. Not very many masculine-themed valentine boxes. Darth Vader doesn’t exactly bring to mind the warm fuzzies of close friendship. Much better psychologically but the scenario in most homes the night before the val day party was not so happy. (& moreso if you were dealing with more than one kid, more than one class party, more than one box)…. It was often cruel & unusual punishment to get the kids to sign and write names on 20-30 valentines for all their classmates. Some years were better than others. Some years, we’d add a little bag of sweettarts or blowpop to the valentine. One year when I lost my mind & was totally extra, I HAND-SEWED cute little buttons on 40 pieces of card stock with lettered valentine messages. Do you think 40 kindergardeners and 3rd graders appreciated these?
Since Renee homeschooled her kids, did you skip this tradition? It probably wouldn’t have had as much impact if your kids had to do this whole box situation and then got one valentine each (from one another).
Bless the teachers on valentines day who try to judge the best box, organize an entire classroom of hyper students to put the right valentines in the right boxes, and oversee the class party with spilled red juice and way too many pink cupcakes. They are headed immediately to heaven.
Today, when your kids get home from school, after you’ve cleaned up the glitter and piles of sticky spilled Fun Dip, you may—I will allow it—take a candy tax from your child’s valentine haul. If your kids protest, remind them that the very same thing happened at Halloween and this is something that you, as a parent, are bound by holiday laws to do. They’ll understand when they’re older. Pretty sure it’s in the Bible somewhere. I’m paraphrasing.
Teens
Valentine’s Day can provide kids with a healthy way to express affection for others. Like every other holiday, it’s been exploited in the interests of commercial gain, but there’s no reason why we can’t help children and teens see beyond the glitter of cards, flowers, and boxes of candy to the real meaning of love and the true significance of healthy human sexuality.
Here are a few suggestions of things you might do to help your teen gain a more godly perspective on the subject of love, especially as she moves into the teen years: (Focus on the Family list)
- List the characteristics that distinguish true love from infatuation. Place the lists side by side and have your child decide which set of qualities she wants seen in her life.
- Talk about the signs or evidence of true love: how do you know when two people really love one another? Ask your child to provide specific examples from relationships she respects. Discuss her reasons for feeling this way.
- Take a critical look at television, movies, music, and even greeting cards with your child and help her discern the messages they’re designed to communicate. Are they promoting infatuation or real love? Shallow feelings or genuine intimacy? Mere physical chemistry or a deep, selfless commitment to relationship? You’d be surprised what a valuable exercise this might turn out to be.
All things considered, this holiday can be a great time to help kids – teens in particular – consider the larger issues of love and the importance of choosing a life-partner wisely. Emotions and chemistry aren’t inherently wrong – after all, who wants a passionless marriage without any spark? But if romance is only an emotional “buzz,” it’s not love at all. Flowers, cards, and chocolates can be wonderful expressions of affection, but it’s important that kids learn to keep these things in their proper place. After all, true love was created and defined by God – not Cupid.
Secret Admirers…. (late grade school). Always created a big fuss.
RENEE’s “Valentine Man” tradition.
It was kind of a milestone when you didn’t have to do a box for the class party anymore. One that we didn’t really mark or notice had passed us by.
Bob would occasionally have a flower or balloon sent to the school for Savannah. We’d stick a bag of candy in their lunchbox or backpack for them to share with their friends.
As for MOM & DAD? I’m not a big GIFT person…. Bob learned early on that I’d rather him spend money on other things than flowers or a card or candy. Give me a kiss and let’s have a nice dinner maybe—but probably the day before or lunch the day of b/c I don’t like crowds or the hassle of reservations… We’re pretty practical that way. He gets off easy in the valentine department. Not a lot of high expectations.
Renee & David? Traditions/expectations? We usually didn’t do Valentine’s in a big way b/c of cost. We were doing weekly date nights anyway, so we planned for a day or two before or after Valentine’s. Writing a note or buying a card was important (Words of affirmation matter!) but we agreed no gifts.
For Other Couples: don’t play the mind reading game. Remind that valentines day (or since it’s maybe too late since the day is upon us—substitute anniversary, or other significant holiday) is coming up and ask each other what you want to do. If you’re into big, grand gestures or surprise weekend flight to Paris like in the movies but your husband brings you instead a new phone charger or fills your car up with gas, it doesn’t mean your love is dead.
Good opportunity to demonstrate your solid relationship to your kids with a night out or some special time reserved for just mom & dad. We go on dates without you because we love you.