If you haven’t encountered it yet in your parenting, you probably will at some point. Whether or not to let your child quit something.
Maybe it’s swim lessons or a sport or an instrument they were begging you to sign them up for but now they’re over it and it’s an act of Congress to get them into their uniform and out the door for practice.
Do we as parents really need another thing to hassle over?
It can be hard for parents to know when a kid is ready to stop participating in some extracurricular activity.
Classes and sports can encourage grit, empathy, and foster camaraderie with team members.
There IS purpose in teaching your kids to stick with something, to see it through, to encourage them that they CAN do hard things. Especially if it’s a team or group that’s counting on them as one of its members.
We all know people who seem to float from thing to thing—the next job, the next hobby, the next new gadget, new relationship or serial marriages. An employer sees a frenetic resume and may get the message that this person can’t stick with anything….will they be worth investing in and training for a long term position? Will they even BE here in 2 years?
Then there are others who are known for their reliability, stability, and ability to step up to their commitments. If they say they will, you know they will.
Some of that may be personality or temperament. But some of it is training and character. Those are the parts that we as parents have some measure of control over—or at least if we put in the time/teaching/consistency, our kids will get the message that if you make a commitment, it means something. You don’t just duck out of things because they get uncomfortable or hard. Much of what means the most in the world requires effort and hard stuff.
I’ve seen the hardline “NO QUITTING” mantra backfire sometimes. A kid ended up going to a university that, after freshman year, just wasn’t a great fit at all. But for the kid, there was somehow this implicit notion that “we don’t quit” so they suffered through (some real mental health issues), thinking that transferring or trying a difft school would amount to “failure”.
If we’re too hard line about quitting, it could also unintentionally translate into our kids’ perceptions of relationships…all relationships. Not all friendships or dating situations are meant to be forever. You don’t want your kid to have the mindset that they have to stick with a bf no matter what. There’s some nuance here!!
The rub as parents comes when we have to decipher between what may matter (or teach a lesson) for the long run and what’s not so significant. If they quit karate before they get a black belt, does that mean they won’t be able to hold a job more than 6 months? (well, not necessarily)
Here’s how to dig in with your kids and ask some questions about quitting:
Get curious about YOU. Why do you care so much? Maybe it’s because you never finished piano lessons and now, in your 40s, you wish you’d stuck with it. Maybe it’s because your parents or your family of origin had a hard time with commitments and you’re determined NOT to be like that. If your family couldn’t swing the cost of a baseball league & you want your kid to have a different experience….
If their wanting to quit elicits a strong reaction in you, pause & see if you can dig out why. If your intention is anything other than “I want them to have a cool experience and see how they like it,” you may be doing it for the wrong reasons.
Ask your kid what’s going on. It might just be one really crummy day. The rule of thumb should be that “we never quit on a bad day.” If they only got a bit part in the school play or are just an alternate on the cheer squad, let those emotions settle before making any rash decisions.
You can ask them (when they’re not gripey about it) what they like about the activity and what they don’t like.
Maybe they don’t like soccer because it’s after school and they’re starving. If you just added some snacks to their backpack, maybe that would fix the problem. Maybe they don’t like choir because they’re not first chair… that reveals some add’l issues about comparison, envy, and the notion of how to measure success (by your own progress).
What are they complaining about? It may not be the activity at all. Maybe it’s a testy coach or they’re shy & new on the team and feel “outside the circle”. Again, these issues require some different conversations. Is it right to stop the whole activity that the child may really grow to like if there are some related tricky parts they could work on, learn from, and stick with it?
What are they characterized by? Do they give up easily when learning a new board game, working a puzzle, or learning a skill like riding a bike, tying their shoe, or making a bed? Temperament plays a role here. Some kids will need more coaching to stick with things. Others may need help letting go. Have you let them quit three other things? Maybe they need to stick it out.
Are you present at practices/classes? Sometimes parents can pick up on their child’s cues (especially younger kids). If they’re zoning out, it may be too early for your kid to be in soccer. If they’re bored, maybe it’s ok for them to find something different to try.
Know your Child. Every kid has a different threshold for discomfort. For some things—like swim lessons—you’ll probably want to power through despite the tears and frustration. The right teacher can make all the difference. This is a life skill and one that they may need someday. You didn’t let them quit trying to walk because they got a few bumps and falls. You keep making them try new foods because those are life skills.
If it’s a preference—music or dance or a sport or club—let the child know ahead of time what the sign up deal is. If we sign up, we’re in for the whole season. That’s THIS many months. That’s THIS many practices. If you’re going to do it, you’re going to give it your best. Talking about it ahead of time is a great way to set their expectations.
Or, we’ll see how guitar lessons go. If you love them, great. If you don’t, then you know that too.
Think about others. If it’s a team sport, then will they be putting the team in a tight spot by quitting? What kind of financial commitment have you made? Month to month? Or longer?
Can you compromise? Quit or tough it out may not be the only alternatives. Is it possible you could take a break or modify the schedule somehow?
Maybe you don’t have to be a “tiger mom” about violin lessons….practicing even when you’re on vacation. Give them a chance to “miss it” or remember why they loved something.
Dr. Marcu Warner’s CASA (Joy house!): Teach them calming exercises to use when they’re frustrated (breathwork), Get them in the habit of noticing things for which to be thankful, Help them tell the right “story” about the thing they want to quit (stories are how I overcame, what I learned by my mistakes, and how I will react in the future), by questioning what they’re thinking, you can suss out toxic thoughts (“I’m no good” “I’ll never be able to…”) and replace them with the truth
Often, what keeps us in difficult situations is fear. Fear of uncertainty, fear of the unknown, fear of the changes that leaving would entail. The Bible, however, urges us to have faith, not fear.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7)
While making major life changes can be daunting, we can trust God to guide us toward greater good and to provide support throughout our journey. The fear of staying should never outweigh our faith in God to sustain us through trials and transitions.