As parents concerned about our kids’ whole development—including MORAL—I think this topic may dog us, exhaust us, plague us like no other in parenting. When our kids reach school age (actually before that in many cases) and our sphere of influence changes, they make friends, etc., their exposure & digestion of what’s out there increases.
THREE TOPICS: Pornography, Hyper-Sexualized Culture, and View of Romance/Marriage
PORN Colson Center: Question is not IF your kid will see pornography, but what will your response be WHEN they do. Pornography has existed throughout recorded history, transforming with the introduction of each new medium. Hundreds of sexually explicit frescoes and sculptures were found in the Mount Vesuvius ruins of Pompeii. Today’s parents (starting when our own kids were young) are the first in history to raise kids in such a digitally connected, sexually saturated world. Matter of EXCESS and ACCESS.
Even 20 years ago, pornography was MUCH more accepted and mainstream than when I was growing up. The Playboys in my friend’s dad’s house did not include the violence & degradation and were much less accessible than today’s cable channels, pop-up ads, and sites that actively seek clicks/attention. (Friends episode where Chandler & Joey’s TV gets stuck on a porn channel & they forbid anyone to change it lest they lose the free access.)
Recent reports show kids as young as 7 seeing porn. We KNOW that it
- perverts an understanding of sex (and reality of it—they think what they see is “normal” and form their expectations accordingly)
- stunts the ability to process emotions
- cripples the formation of actual relationships IRL
- We know young people turn to porn b/c of curiosity; they use it for info and education about sex.
Talk about it BEFORE they see it. This can be tricky because at age 7, you probably haven’t even talked about sex at ALL except in the most minimal terms. At this point in a child’s development, they’re generally not prepared to know this information. They’re still into Paw Patrol and excited about Santa.
**Some proponents say kids need a kind of “porn literacy” guide. That porn isn’t always misogynistic; that it can be “empowering” by offering affirmation to young people who may question their sexual identities or preferences. If we walk them thru critical thinking about what they’re seeing, as we would a questionable movie—talking thru the ethics, etc., it will help them be critical consumers.
(Give them birth control & encourage them to be sexually active; give them alcohol & drugs so they can experiment safely at home; Why not provide them various sexual partners & coach them through that process as well?)
Axis.org has a very helpful series of videos for parents and discussion questions for your family.
Discussion questions for tweens (12 and under):
- Q1: Have you heard the word “pornography” before? Do you know what it means?
- Q2: Do you feel like you can talk to me about pornography? Why or why not? How can I help you feel comfortable approaching me?
Discussion questions for teens (13 and up):
- Q1: What makes something pornographic?
- Q2: Statistics say that many Gen Zers and millennials don’t think that watching porn is wrong. Does that feel true, based on your experience and what you’ve observed about your friends? Why do you think they don’t have a negative view of pornography?
- Q3: Do you feel like you can talk to me about pornography? Why or why not? How can I help you feel comfortable approaching me?
What we can do:
- share God’s design for them (Ask: WHY did God make us sexual beings?)
- talk about addiction (what it is, why you should avoid things that are)
- From neurosciencenews.com: “Pornography satisfies every one of the prerequisites for neuroplastic change. When pornographers boast that they are pushing the envelope by introducing new, harder themes, what they don’t say is that they must, because their customers are building up a tolerance to the content.”
- Porn scenes, like addictive substances, are hyper-stimulating triggers that lead to unnaturally high levels of dopamine secretion. This can damage the dopamine reward system and leave it unresponsive to natural sources of pleasure. This is why users begin to experience difficulty in achieving arousal with a physical partner
- The desensitization of our reward circuitry sets the stage for sexual dysfunctions to develop, but the repercussions don’t end there. Studies show that changes in the transmission of dopamine can facilitate depression and anxiety. In agreement with this observation, porn consumers report greater depressive symptoms, lower quality of life and poorer mental health compared to those who don’t watch porn.
- share your own struggles/personal experience (they don’t have to hide/pretend)
- ad blockers, filters, software, clear digital boundaries
- teach them how to respond, encourage them to come to you
- in all areas, work on spiritual maturity/discernment
- work on a plan for what to do if they stumble (can’t just wish it away)
- Phones stay in a public room (or your room) at night. Check in regularly. Open apps.
Addiction is a long term game. Porn addiction is VERY difficult to break. It literally reprograms our CNS. Porn eases anxiety, alleviates stress, gives some feeling of connection, etc… Have to ask the WHY question. What’s the driver? Develop new thoughts/behavior patterns that likely involve others.
Helps to think of the process as a path further INTO community/intimacy instead of AWAY from porn. What are you saying YES to?
“Porn is destructive because if sex is like money, porn is a massive devaluation of the currency. Sex inside of a committed marriage is magic. It’s like blowing on the coals of this incredible, beautiful, and powerful flame. Like all addictions, the more you do it (porn, sex outside marriage) the less payoff there is. It becomes more sweet, more pleasurable, and more powerful than it was before because you haven’t devalued the currency. Sex is a way of saying I belong completely and totally and exclusively to you and that’s something you can only say inside marriage.” Tim Keller (YouTube Video) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKdSLsGMcnA
TREADING BOLDLY THRU A PORNOGRAPHIC WORLD by Daniel Weiss and Joshua Glaser
HYPER-SEXUALIZED CULTURE
Back in mid-July of this year, we finally had our summer Olympics. One of the stories that grabbed the headlines was about the Norwegian beach handball team. They were fined b/c they wanted to wear shorts instead of the bikini bottoms required by the league.
The uniform choice is important not only because it reflects the personal preference of the players, but because research indicates there may be a link between revealing clothing and mental and physical performance.
The International Handball Federation rules stipulate that female athletes must wear bikini bottoms, “with a close fit and cut on an upward angle toward the top of the leg.” Men’s beach handball players have much more flexibility. The men’s rules state, “The players’ shorts, if not too baggy, can be longer but must remain 10 centimeters above the kneecap.”
After complaining about the bikini bottom rule for fifteen years, Norway’s female handball team wore shorts. As a result of breaking the rules, each Norwegian player was fined 150 euros (about $177). The Norwegian Handball Federation picked up the tab.
Why, in 2021, when women are supposed to be “empowered” (there’s that word again), was this even an issue?
All around us there’s an outcry of “no one can tell me what to wear”. On the one hand, there’s a legitimate backlash against a system that faults a woman being assaulted depending on her outfit (saying she was asking for it), an avalanche of women speaking up against offenders (us gymnastics team, female news anchors).
There’s been a sweeping expose-like reaction to 90’s purity culture. Atlantic (March 2021) article… where the author describes being taught that a vow of chastity
“would keep us from getting hurt or becoming damaged, like protecting a delicate flower from blooming too early. If my flower became spoiled, then putting it back together would be really hard. If I faltered, I also risked not having intimacy with God and living the perfect, sanctified life…. My sexual purity was the ultimate turn-on for a godly man…. For all this talk about transcending your body to be pure, I sure was being evaluated on mine.”
Her experience is not unique. It plays into a different, slippery sort of abusiveness that relies on appeals to conservative values to work. Ever heard the adage “modest is hottest?”
This STILL centers men & their preferences in how women should look. It still sets being found “hot” by men as the ultimate goal for women, and positions all men as creeps who can’t handle seeing a woman’s skin without turning into a raging barbarian.
No one can tell me what to wear! I’m an adult and can make my own choices! If I want to walk around naked, that should be my right! Empowerment!
Sounds very American and independent. Until we go back to the handball uniforms. Why doesn’t that outrage apply to them? Why did their appeal for a fraction of modesty receive punishment? Why does modesty (like sobriety) get stigmatized?
As Christians, what should our response be? Are we to be modest & demure to attract a guy? Can we revel in our freedom in Christ and proudly show off what the Good Lord gave us?
Kevin DeYoung, The Lost Virtue of Modesty, TGC, October 2014
Modesty demonstrates to others that we have more important things to offer than good looks and sex appeal. The point of 1 Timothy 2:9 (I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, 10 but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.) and 1 Peter 3:3-4 (Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.) is not an absolute prohibition against trying to look nice. The prohibition is against trying so very hard to look good in all the ways that are so relatively unimportant.
Modesty operates with the Bible’s negative assessment of public nudity post-Fall. From Adam and Eve scrambling for fig leaves (Gen. 3:10), to the dishonorable nakedness of Noah (Gen. 9:21), to the embarrassingly exposed buttocks of David’s men (2 Sam. 10:4), the Bible knows we inhabit a fallen world in which certain aspects of our bodily selves are meant to be hidden. Indeed, this is precisely what Paul presumes when he speaks of “our unpresentable parts” which must be “treated with greater modesty” (1 Cor. 12:23). There’s a reason momma called them private parts.
Both positions miss the point. Neither by modesty or immodesty should our ultimate goal as women be “hotness.” We talked about “pornographic literacy” before. Our real critical consumer course should be in the hyper-sexualized culture that we live in—how many times a day (do an experiment and count them!!) are we exposed to sexualized versions of females thru ads, social media, movies, music, books, what’s hanging on the racks at a given retail store, even down to the preschool ages. [This is airing 3 wks from Halloween—if you haven’t already noticed, take a look at the costume options out there!! Sexy nurse, sexy kitty, sexy chimney sweep….)
SEX and SEXUALIZATION are two different things! Sex and sexuality are part of our design and can be a true gift. Sexualization has to do with treating others (or ourselves) as OBJECTS of desire. Message = your value comes from your sex appeal or physical attractiveness.
This demeans our entire female gender. Surely our worth and identity is greater than our collective body parts? How is it that our cup size or “Michelle Obama arms” or JLo’s famous rear end are empowering? What kind of power (other than sexual, visual) does that give us?
Haven’t we always had that power since the Garden? So, big deal. Congratulations, you have boobs.
Can women dress as they please? In America 2021, certainly. Should women be able to wear whatever they want and never be penalized, judged, or scorned? Should their wardrobe not affect others in any way? Should men/boys have the self control to look the other way?
Do dress choices matter? We dress differently for a job interview, a hike, or a date. Why? Our dress must make some sort of impression! Human brains are evolutionarily wired to make snap judgements based on a quick glance. Perception matters.
Would you tell your kid to wear pj’s to an interview if they feel like it? It’s their right. To tell your kids “flaunt it if you’ve got it?” Is that setting them up for success in the world we live in? More importantly, is it teaching them to value themselves?
I would argue it signals a moral immaturity when you display everything (even if you LOVE how you look). Because in America 2021, we worship the fragile gods of power and sex. They’re persuasive and they permeate every aspect of life. Annie Lobert—author of Fallen, is a former call girl and founder of Hookers for Jesus. She could tell you in a hot minute about the Sex God we look to for salvation.
Jesus never forced anyone to dress one way or another. He WAS available for those weary of the same old road, those tired of both the “no one better touch my rights” and the “you should be ashamed” narratives. God acknowledges our humanity and imperfections. We aren’t faced with just 2 options of (1) wallow in our “true self” giving into every desire or (2) living in a nunnery lest we be stained or spoiled.
He can pick us up over and over and bring us further down the road. He points us to our pricelessness and reminds us we should be cherished not for how we look or how easy it is to attract a man’s attention, but for whose we are.
ROMANCE/MARRIAGE
Porn & our response to the hyper sexualized culture we live in WILL affect our relationships and marriages.
(from a Tim Keller sermon on sexuality and Christian hope)
Never before has there been so much emphasis on finding your “one true love.” An entire TV franchise and all its spinoffs have made billions off this idea. BACHELOR NATION.
In modern society, we feel we can’t be fulfilled unless we have romance and sex. In 1 Cor 6 & 7, Paul presents a high view of sex, but then he implies that it would be ok to live your whole life without it. That’s HERESY in our modern society. INCONCEIVABLE.
Christians view of sex in marriage: becoming “one flesh”. Idea is not only physical. It’s that you become so much entwined with another person—emotionally, socially, financially—that you know what the other would do/say/think about something in a split second. It’s a vulnerable donation of yourself to another.
Our future is not guaranteed by family or children. Our hope is in something else entirely.
Christians don’t place their hope in their children. Their children are a sign of hope (that God has not abandoned this world.)
Traditional conservatives easily make idols out of the family. Modern liberals make idols of gratification. Both are misguided.
Story of the woman at the well John 4
13 Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”
15 The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.”
16 He told her, “Go, call your husband and come back.”
17 “I have no husband,” she replied.
Jesus said to her, “You are right when you say you have no husband. 18 The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.”
Why when Jesus talks about living water does he refer to the woman’s romantic life and relationships? Her life is centered around men. He is telling her she will always be either desperate or disappointed with this focus.
Xn view of sex being for only marriage context is not just narrow minded prudery. We CANNOT have intimacy with God unless we lose our independence. Sex reflects that relationship. WE ARE NOT OUR OWN.
Sex is not for people who only give only a part of themselves (the physical, or maybe the emotional), but the whole self to the other—legally, economically, socially, emotionally, spiritually. The Greek word porneia (‘sexual immorality’) was infused with new meaning by New Testament writers. It meant any sex outside of marriage. It was based on a radical egalitarian principle that the husband’s body belonged to the wife, and the wife’s to the husband (1 Cor 7:4). That meant that anyone who within marriage exploited or abused was violating the Christian sex ethic just as much or more as those who had sex outside of marriage. Tim Keller https://churchleaders.com/news/394820-tim-keller-abstinence-purity-culture.html
In Mere Christianity, CS Lewis writes, “The monstrosity of sexual intercourse outside of marriage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one union (sexual) from all OTHER kinds of union, which are meant to go along with it and make up the total union. The Christian attitude doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with sexual pleasure…it means that you musn’t isolate that pleasure and try to get it by itself, anymore than you ought to try to get the pleasure of taste without swallowing and digesting, by chewing things and spitting them out again.”
Surrender, vulnerability, dependence—all of these are derided in our culture. We’re desperate for romance but we keep one hand on independence “just in case.” That’s not what the marriage relationship at its fullest was meant to be.
We don’t marry for social obligation OR personal fulfillment. We marry to be changed, to go on a journey with another who also donates himself to us. Who ALSO gets that there is a journey of surrender and change.
Porn short circuits that intimacy and surrender. Devaluing and degrading ourselves (with clothing, speech, behavior) short circuits that intimacy. Keeping one hand on our rights or our independence in a committed marriage relationship (as a possible out) short circuits that intimacy.