Bonnie found this article on foreverymom.com
Dear Mama, This is the One Thing That Will Destroy Your Home
(https://foreverymom.com/family-parenting/one-thing-destroy-your-home-meg-marie-wallace/) written by Meg Wallace. In it, she talks about the danger of becoming hard-hearted toward your children… How it really can damage, sabotage, and even destroy your relationship with your kids.
I found this description on a theology website and I found it helpful in laying the groundwork for our conversation today:
Hardness of heart is mentioned often in Scripture and, as the Evangelical Dictionary of Theology says, “there is no one technical word or phrase for hardening in Scripture; rather a variety of words and phrases are used to describe the same phenomenon.” A variety of images are found behind these terms, including dryness, petrification, or covering something with stone or even a foreskin. The basic idea of hardness of heart, at least in the sense used here by Jesus, seems to be stubbornness and rebellion—a refusal to be sensitive, trusting, and responsive. A person’s heart can be hard toward either God or fellow humans.
I think we would agree that hardness of heart can inevitably be expressed toward both God and humans. Even Pharoah, the classic biblical example of hardness of heart, was hardhearted not only toward God (“Who is the Lord, that I should obey his voice and let Israel go?” Ex. 5:2) but also toward Moses and Aaron (“he would not listen to them,” Ex. 7:13, etc.) and toward the whole nation of Israel, whom he wanted to retain as slaves (Ex. 14:4-8; cf. 5:4-18).
Bonnie reached out to Meg to see if she’d do an interview to unpack this concept of hardheartedness in motherhood. She graciously said, “yes” so here we are.
Welcome!
Can you tell our listeners a bit about yourself?
pastor’s wife of over 18 years and momma of seven miracle children; author of a book about “preventive training”
Let’s jump right in, because what you wrote really resonated with me (Renee) after Bonnie shared it. That knee-jerk response that our kids are a drag is a common refrain… Can you tell us what prompted you to write the article?
One of the passages that came to mind when reading your article was the questions that the Pharisees had about divorce. Jesus’ answer was, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so” (Matt. 19:8).
Jesus said Moses allowed divorce “because of your hardness of heart” (Matt. 19:8).
We’re word people around here, so I want to do a little more discussion of this phrase “hardness of heart” because it’s really a compound word in the original language.
The specific compound word that Jesus used for “hardness of heart” (σκληροκαρδία) is found only two places in the Greek OT (Deut. 10:16; Jer. 4:4).[5] In both, hardness of heart toward God seems to be the dominant concern, yet the context clarifies that honoring God means having soft hearts toward humans as well. For example, here is the reason given in Deuteronomy for avoiding hardness of heart:
For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes. He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the foreigner residing among you, giving them food and clothing. And you are to love those who are foreigners, for you yourselves were foreigners in Egypt. (Deut. 10:17-19; cf. Deut. 15:7; Jer. 5:23-29)
Both passages also warn that hardness of heart will bring severe judgment from God. In fact, in Jeremiah, the ultimate result of Israel’s hardness is that God divorces her, sending her into exile (Jer. 3:1, 8). Perhaps, then, there was a subtle irony in Jesus’ mention of hard hearts: “If you hardhearted Pharisees keep on wrongfully divorcing your wives, God will rightfully divorce you!”
You actually have an exhaustive (and very helpful!) list of what hardness of heart can look like in motherhood. Can you talk us through some of those?
(Renee’s are highlighted in YELLOW. Bonnie’s are highlighted in BLUE)
HARDNESS OF HEART IS:
- believing that being short tempered and easily angered is just a normal ‘mom-thing’ and excusing it because everyone else does it too.
- focusing on making sure you look good to everyone else at the expense of truly relating with your kids.
- continuing to justify your extremely, overly busy life because of the desire to meet or exceed the expectations of others.
- choosing to think of yourself and your schedule as most important.
- choosing to focus far more on rules and making your kids learn to obey than on teaching grace and making sure they know they’re loved.
- having the mindset that your kids just “figure it out” and when they fail, because they will, rubbing their nose in it.
- being unteachable will destroy your home.
- being prideful.
- tearing your kids down with words.
- blame shifting and excusing your wrongful actions because they deserved it.
- wasting inordinate amounts of time comparing and contrasting your home against others’ and making the judgment that “theirs is worse” or “theirs is better” and allowing yourself to become puffed up when you’ve beat them out, or depressed when you don’t quite measure up.
- lacking genuine sorrow over the harsh ways you treat your kids.
- responding with defensiveness, contempt, or uncontrolled emotion when someone tries to correct you.
- expecting your kids to say sorry first when you refuse to demonstrate it yourself.
- lacking genuine sorrow in your apology and following it up with “but….”
- demanding your kids be perfect because their obedience directly correlates to your identity.
- thinking more of what you deserve instead of what you can give.
- treating your family with contempt when they don’t give you what you think you deserve.
- expecting everyone in your home to be able to read your mind and getting upset when they don’t/can’t is an absolute way to destroy your home.
- focusing more on being right than on becoming righteous.
- solely thinking the picture perfect image, and other people’s perceptions is what equates a successful home.
- giving the cold shoulder, silent treatment, slamming of doors, using sarcasm or the rolling of eyes to let those in your family be aware they have done, or are doing, wrong.
- treating your kids as though they are in the way and making sure they know there are far more important things you could/should be doing.
- the refusal to humble yourself to ask for their forgiveness will destroy the relationship
- believing the idea that an adult repenting to kids is just ridiculous.
- believing that because you have the title of parent now means you’ve got it all together and no one can tell you otherwise.
- giving time out after time out, or grounding your kids for incredibly lengthy times, because you just can’t stand to be in the same room as them.
- disciplining out of anger.
- discipling without restoration.
- implementing the “do as I say, not as I do” rule, teaching lessons or life truths you yourself have no intent to live by.
- magnifying the weaknesses and minimizing the strengths of your kids, while magnifying the strengths and minimizing the weaknesses of yourself.
- withholding affection until they ‘clean up their act.’
- assuming you know exactly why they’re acting a certain way because you know them better than they know themselves.
- twisting their words, withholding or expounding parts of the details, and telling white lies to make your side of the story come across in your favor.
- forming concrete opinions about their deficiencies/shortcomings and drawing the conclusion that they will always be that way.
- seeing their problems as only their problems.
- justifying your wrongful actions because “they’re just kids.”
- using the line “I am doing the best I can” to excuse your own shortcomings/wrongful actions/sin.
- preserving your own well-being at the expense of your kids.
- spending more time trying to find an official clinical diagnosis to explain away their behavior issues than looking in the mirror to address your own.
- believing that sharing with all of your friends the dumb things your kids do is not actually gossip or slander because they don’t even know what those words mean yet, or better yet, justifying it because you birthed them. No matter how old they get you have full liberty to say whatever you wish to whoever you wish about whatever you wish because you’ve earned that right.
Thankfully, the article doesn’t end there! You give some tips on how to prevent these kinds of behaviors…
HOW TO PREVENT HARDNESS OF HEART
This was probably one of the most poignant parts of the article for me (Renee), so I’m just going to read it for our listeners:
When I write that motherhood is tough I’m not talking about the never ending demands that come as often as the waves of the ocean. I’m not referring to sleepless nights taking care of sick kids, the piles and piles of laundry that will never ever ever be complete. I’m not talking about the dirty dishes that have been in the sink since last Sunday, the dishwasher you’ve unloaded for the third time today, figuring out where to put the shoes (good lord why are there so many shoes???), mastering the meal plans, figuring out the discipline strategies, or organizing bedrooms, calendars, sock drawers, garages, seasonal bins, closets, toys, and fitness plans.
I’m talking about grueling, gut wrenching, goes-against-everything-you-feel work.
The list you gave on how to flourish was so life-giving! Can you walk us through some of those suggestions?
To flourish as a mother, we need to be:
- choosing to daily lay down your life for your family
- looking for ways to love, to pursue, and being relentless to leave no room for distance between you and your children
- constantly thinking past what your kids mouths are saying and what your kids bodies are doing, to seek out what it is their heart is craving and what they’re souls are needing
- loving when your kids are unlovable, and respecting them when they are not respectable, and pressing on with all joy and compassion when not a single one thinks of what it is you need in return
- making time to be present, to connect, to see, to listen, to care and to be a friend.
- engaging with the hearts of your kids, to unceasingly pursue peace and unity within the walls of your home and to refuse to allow your heart to become discontent or allow your mouth to grumble
- seeing your children as a gift and to be diligent to treat them like one…even when, or should I say, especially when, they don’t deserve it
- finding new mercy, new strength and new joy every morning
- celebrating the mundane, the messy and the monotonous
ASK THE LORD TO CHANGE YOUR HEART FIRST.
Repent & Confess
Don’t waste any time and don’t give any room for distance. If there is something you need to confess, do it. If there is someone you need to forgive, do it.
Seek God’s Wisdom
Carve out the time and energy to pursue the hearts of your children and ask God to give you eyes to see them as He does. No matter the age of your children, ask Him to give you the ability to see beyond what is on the surface.
Get Curious About Yourself
Look carefully for what might be deeper. Is there loneliness? neglect? fear? shame? rejection? Ask God to give you a heart that seeks to truly listen, love, repent, forgive, pursue, and serve those who are in your care so that the hardness doesn’t destroy you. Ask Him to fill you with all joy and peace and to give you resolve to love like Jesus does.
Motherhood is for our good and for His glory. It is not to destroy us.
Let today be the day you soften your heart. Let today be the day you chase after theirs.
Conclude with 1 Corinthians 13
…but if I have not love I am a noisy gone or a clanging cymbal.
And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient.
And kind.
Does not envy or boast.
It is not arrogant.
Or rude.
It does not insist on its own way.
It is not irritable or resentful.
It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends.