In November 2021, we aired an episode asking the question “Are You the Default Parent?” based on Eve Rodsky’s book FAIR PLAY. In her book, she introduces a very useable system that helps couples and families more fairly divide the labor in the home so the majority doesn’t fall on a single person… and we all know who that person typically is: MOM.
On THIS episode, we’re delving into a little more nuance of that system by talking about how to teach our kids to notice what needs to be done in a home. Before any chore or task is initiated, someone has to first notice that it need to be done.
Usually, that person is MOM, and this is what ends up creating a good deal of the MENTAL LOAD we’ve talked about—and we’re all aware of because most all of us feel it on a daily basis.
You might think about mental load as “worry work.” It’s that mental circus we have going on in our heads—the 3 rings are full of prancing ponies, elephants marching around, and clowns and jugglers. We’re thinking not only of the list of things we need to do on a daily basis for our OWN welfare, but if we are mothers, we’re typically ALSO juggling the schedule and needs of the rest of the family as well. This road leads to overwhelm, exhaustion, and resentment.
“The cognitive labor of running a household is as intense as running a Fortune 500 company.” –Eve Rodsky.
Now, Rodsky tackles this in FAIR PLAY. The goal is to initially outline all the tasks needed to keep the house/schedule/meals/activities running smoothly and fairly. When you first use the approach, there’s a bit more time on the front end as you both agree what can “a reasonable person expect” from a task being done.
EX: if you’re the one who’s going to be taking the kids to school every day, from start to finish what would a reasonable person think would be involved in that task? (You’re going to have to think the night before about what needs to be ready to go the next morning; maybe you’re the one making the school lunch—or helping your child make his lunch; you’ll have to be sure all the backpack papers are signed, think about what activities are on the calendar for the following day so everyone is sure to have their after-school equipment/gear ready for practices/clubs, etc. and then how you’re going to make sure the morning runs so you’re out the door and on time.)
After that initial outline of tasks, you huddle up on a weekly basis and decide how it’s going and whether to divide tasks differently for the coming week.
One of the big hurdles in the mental load/division of labor conversation is that it usually falls on one person (the one who cares the most) to NOTICE and DECIDE what needs to be done. While your spouse or kids MIGHT be willing to “help” or pitch in, the noticing in the first place still adds to that overwhelm.
(Why am I doing everything around here? Is everyone else blind?!) If I have to ASK for help, that’s just one more thing on me.
That still communicates: there’s someone in charge noticing and having to delegate and then there’s everyone else, doing their own thing freely until they’re approached & asked to step up.
You & your spouse both live in the same house and are both parents. If you have to ask your spouse to put away a basket of clean clothes that’s been sitting on the couch for 2 days, that implies it’s your job. If that’s what you’ve negotiated and agreed to, great!
TBH: I think the FAIR PLAY system could be a game changer in a lot of households. Especially early on in a marriage before patterns and things get established! Or better yet—BEFORE you get married! But it could be that you’re way down the road in your marriage and your spouse is NOT a willing teammate. No amount of asking or trying to change the status quo seems to work.
You can (& should) continue to have conversations, but you should explain WHAT the mental load IS and how it FEELS to you.
- Counseling to help communication and supporting one another
- Get in a friend group or community where other spouses ARE stepping up and there’s positive peer pressure to be the husband/man
- Focus on the family members you DO have sway over: your children. Sometimes it’s out of the mouths of babes that the light dawns on someone else. (If your spouse can be on board with you about parenting your kids in this way, it will likely rub off.)
- Give one another some patience & grace as you shift things around and do this sort of re-negotiating.
***Sam Kelly (@samkelly_world) has a whole course she’s developed on this “notice and do” concept. You can find her free guide via the link on her Instagram.
***Also, a thoughtful account to follow is @realzachthinkshare for a GUY’S perspective. If your spouse is less than enthusiastic, see if you can get him to commit to following this account for a month or so…. Some really practical and helpful tips from Zach Watson.
How We Talk About Work
When I say the word “work,” do you feel a positive or negative connotation? The labor that goes into managing a home IS actual WORK.
Here’s a suggestion: when you talk to your kids (or spouse!) about things that need doing around the house, change your language.
Here’s something I’m guilty of: asking my kids to HELP. Do we want our children to be helpful? Yes. We want them to help & serve others, of course. But CONTEXT IS KEY. Can you be mom’s helper and pick up your clothes? Help mommy clean up the toys in the bathtub, sweetie.
What does that actually, subtly communicate? ? (It’s mom’s job and you can help when you’re asked.) Whoa.
Because WORDS MATTER: how about instead, Hey, can you come work with me and pick up the toys? Let’s tackle the toys together. Let’s team up and get these toys put away. Can you notice what the playroom looks like?
Using the word WORK instead of HELP increases their comfort level and familiarity with the concept AND increases their resiliency.
What’s the FIRST STEP in completing a task?
Noticing something needs to be done. Have you ever thought of NOTICING as a LEARNED SKILL? Some temperaments may be wired more for this than others.
Children are natural observers, and we encourage that impulse in them when we want to reinforce curiosity, or empathy. (Empathy example: Look around the lunch room. Do you see anyone sitting alone? What could you do to encourage them? Curiosity example: Those ants are amazing! How do you think they all fit into that little mound of sand?)
In the same way, we can TEACH our kids to NOTICE what needs to be done at home, as part of the responsible team. This is empowering for little kids who may not have a lot of choice or agency in their worlds. They CAN ALWAYS NOTICE and DO.
This is what many of us attempt to do (in frustrating ways, I think) when we try to motivate our kids to do their chores, show initiative, not be lazy, etc. But in most cases, that’s US reminding, nagging, begging them to do a task.
We all want our kids to learn solid life skills—and initiative is a huge part of that. Taking ownership as capable contributors. Stepping up. Being the one to see a need and fill that need without being asked or bribed or coerced.
CHORE CHARTS & WHY THEY FALL SHORT:
What is a chore chart really doing? They might help a child stay on task or remember routine activities they need to get done (bedtime or morning routine, e.g.,). That might be a good start when you have a toddler or a child who struggles with attention.
But at best, chore chart is teaching compliance. Do this task x number of times, get this reward (sticker, toy, cookie, etc.). WHO MAKES THE CHORE CHART?? Who’s assigning tasks and delegating? (knowing what needs to be done & finagling a way to get people to pitch in). Is keeping up with the chart or coming up with the tasks another job/ball-to-juggle for mom???
They essentially miss the first critical step: NOTICING WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
How to Teach Noticing
You can do this from toddlers on up to teens. With toddlers, it’s part of narrating your day for them. Walk into the bathroom with them in the morning and do a quick inventory with them: Is the soap dispenser empty? How about the toothpaste or shampoo? We should put that on a list to remember at the grocery store!
What do you notice about the potty? (is it clean? Is there TP on the roll?) What do you notice about the towels?
You’re pointing out to them what they’re looking for and what to notice in specific ways. Will this be an ongoing conversation/lesson for many many mornings and evenings? Yes. Will they pick up on it? Also yes.
You know those picture games?? The ones where you look from one photo to the next and notice what’s different? Do that with photos of rooms in your house. Take a pic of their room as a disaster area and their room when it’s clean to the standard. Do this with a bathroom and the kitchen and playroom. Any area where you want them to begin to notice what needs to be done.
Then practice with them: what’s different from one photo to the next?
The cleaned area is what the room looks like when it’s reset.
Model noticing for them. Out loud. So many times we are doing this in our heads, making this quiet, invisible to-do list that we then take care of ourselves.
Do this during the holidays while we’re in them. What is different about our house at Christmastime? What things changed? (Who did them? Who noticed & thought to do them?)
How We Praise
Usually, we praise for completing a task. Hey, thanks for cleaning your room! Thanks for feeding the dog.
Here’s a suggestion: back that up a step, especially if you haven’t asked them to do the task. Praise for NOTICING that something needed doing AND then doing it. This reinforces the idea that the first step in work is NOTICING something needs to be done.
The Process:
Obviously you’re not going to wake up tomorrow morning and explain all this once to your 3 yr old and then they’re making their bed from then on. It’s a learning process…but one that’s worth investing in because:
- It lightens our load as moms
- It enlists other (perhaps more reluctant) family members to also participate/step up
- It empowers and teaches our kids (boys AND girls) that everyone shares responsibilities; everyone notices and does what needs to be done
A bit of structure helps in the beginning and it’s best to start small, with an area they’re familiar with and in a lot; maybe their room or a common play area. They need to know what that room reset looks like and how to notice when it’s not quite there…and to make sure it gets there.
Be patient & flexible…different kids are different & will pick this up at different speeds.
As they age, or if you’re starting with an older child, you can increase their sphere of noticing to areas like the kitchen or living room.
Praise for the extra first step of noticing. If they “NOTICE AND DO,” that’s where your occasional rewards come in and your specific praise is most effective.