Lavy Little is an OT and mother of three active, grown sons (ages 18, 20, and 21). She and her husband Conrad had been married only 3 years when, because of kidney disease related to the diabetes he’d lived with since the age of 4, she donated one of her kidneys to him. That transplant ultimately failed, and Conrad & Lavy spent the next years navigating life with his medical conditions, dialysis, hospital stays, additional kidney transplants and heart attacks. Eventually, Conrad faced the loss of both legs and several fingers along with diminished eyesight.
Lavy not only became her husband’s constant caretaker, but because of Conrad’s physical limitations, did most of the kid-wrangling, chauffeuring, and household management. He was adamant that their sons not miss out on anything because of him and his needs. They fit it all in, excelling in school, sports, theater, and active in church, scouts, and family. In the last of her kids’ high school years, she also made the decision to homeschool her boys to ultimately give them more time with their dad. Finally, after 21 years of marriage, Conrad died in December 2017 at the age of 47. At the time, her boys were 14, 16, and 17.
Sometimes a loss can be acute (car accident, traumatic event), and sometimes it’s a prolonged illness like in the Little family’s case. The manner of loss can affect how grief is processed. Conrad’s illness & medical issues were part of the family’s daily life for so long, often with the boys participating in their dad’s care, especially as they grew older and stronger and were able to push and lift their dad. Coping with grief can be less stressful when children have time to anticipate & say goodbye. Lavy and Conrad were always straight with their boys, and she leveled with them, telling them, “there will come a time when Dad won’t be here.” She answered their questions, and they often looked to their parents to gauge what their own reactions should be, a common reaction. Lavy didn’t hide her worry, stress, or sadness, even after Conrad died, showing the boys grief might look different on different days. Emotions were safe and ok, and it was possible to be both sad and grateful at the same time.
Losing a parent is the most emotionally difficult and universal human experience. Physical & psychological. In the short term, it triggers significant physical distress. In the long term, studies have linked unresolved grief to cardiac issues, immune disorders, and cancer. When the fight-or-flight response is activated long term (stress), it can cause actual genetic changes. It’s so important to face & address & not assume it’ll “take care of itself” or that being stoic is the answer.
Psychologically, the DSM reports experiencing a range of contradictory feelings: anger, rage, sadness, numbness, anxiety, guilt, emptiness, regret, remorse, withdrawing or throwing yourself into work.
Clinical psychologist: gender of parent & child can influence grief response. Daughters often have more intense grief responses to loss of a parent than sons do. Sons take longer to process and are ultimately slower to move forward. Loss of a father is more often associated with loss of personal mastery—vision, purpose, commitment, belief, self-knowledge. Loss of a mother elicits more primal response. Depends also on the relationship you had with the parent. The Little’s youngest son was also diagnosed with diabetes as a child, and he had that extra connection to his dad, hitting him particularly hard. The family prayed through every situation and every season of Conrad’s illness, leaning on their faith and that community for support.
Lavy herself had grieved both her parents, losing her own mother at 18. This experience of caring for and saying goodbye to her mother shaped how she wanted her sons to experience their dad’s passing. The circumstances didn’t turn out how she’d planned, however, as his death came as somewhat of a surprise. They were able to say goodbye to him afterwards, in a tender and intimate moment in the hospital. How a young person grieves depends on many things: age, gender, developmental stage, personality, ways they usually react to stress and emotion, relationship with the person who has died, earlier experiences of loss or death, family circumstances, how others around them are grieving.
Lavy attended a Life After Loss group at church with Conrad’s mother. Wisely, she used this as a way to communicate her feelings of not wanting there to be some sort of competition on “who missed Conrad more.” Often, when family members grieve differently, they can judge or shame the others by thinking if they’re not crying every day like I am, they must not be as sad. It’s important to allow everyone their own timeline, method, and space for grief. No one’s grief journey will be identical to another’s.
It’s a lot to walk through this sort of grief with your kids WHILE you’re grieving your own spouse. Lavy readily allows that her boys have helped her through, allowing her to be sad, have tough days, and–perhaps most special for a mom of grown boys–giving her hugs. As a grieving spouse, it’s important to take care of yourself (even while parenting!). It can feel impossible, but eating well, calling in help, going to bed early, and getting counseling can help. It doesn’t help anyone to try to be a hero, and it teaches your children how to cope when they see you using coping strategies.
In early 2018, not long after Lavy and her sons said goodbye to Conrad, they went to Disney. This was a trip the family had planned to take together. It must have been odd being in “the happiest place on earth” when grief was so fresh, but they approached it as if Conrad were along with them. They often mark milestone occasions with memories of him, releasing helium balloons on Father’s Day and lighting candles at Christmas (his favorite holiday).
What does grief look like for kids?
Myth: loss doesn’t affect many children. 1 in 14 children in the US will experience the death of a parent or sibling before age 18
Myth: children are too young to grieve. ALL children who experience loss, grieve.
Myth: If you can’t see their grief, the child must be ok. ALL grieving children need support.
They may often seem unconcerned, playing or doing their usual activities, so adults can assume they are not properly aware of the death, or affected by it. They tend to grieve in bursts, and at other times will look for reassurance and comfort in their normal routines and activities. This can happen as they move through different life milestones, and develop as individuals.
Kids who are grieving need ongoing attention, reassurance and support. It’s normal for grief to resurface later on, even well after the death. Counseling is ALWAYS a good idea for children processing the death of someone very close. Children tend to feel unstable, often worrying the remaining parent could also die. They may walk on eggshells, suppressing their feelings in order to “be good” or “not make mom or dad sad” by mentioning the parent who is gone.
What does grief look like for kids?
Babies & toddlers don’t have an understanding of death or the language to say how they feel. They’re likely to pick up on the anxiety or distress of close adults or others around them.
Common reactions may be: (similar to what happens when you bring a new baby home to an older sibling or a major life transition happens)
- looking for the person who has died
- being irritable, crying more
- wanting to be held more; being clingy
- being less active – quiet, less responsive
- being jumpy, anxious, being fretful, distressed
- regressing (in potty or sleeping behaviors)
It Helps to: keep routines and normal activities going as much as possible, hold & cuddle more, speak calmly & gently, provide comfort items (blanket etc), reassure them they’re safe & will be ok. For toddlers or pre-schoolers, put emotions into words (I know you’re sad.), Use clear simple words when talking about death. (I have some sad news. Grandma died today. Give them a moment to take it in.)
Tell kids what to expect with changes in normal routines. Talk about funerals & what will happen there. What people might say. Answer questions directly & honestly.
For elementary ages, they’re still learning to understand death & can be confused. Explaining death to them is very important. They may have dreams about the person, be forgetful, have increased fears, feel embarrassed (different from others, may conceal their loss), complain of tummy hurting/headaches, be defiant
It helps to: all of the previously mentioned plus keep apart from them as little as possible; encourage play (drawing, writing, etc.)
By 10-12 years, children know death is final. They’re more aware of how adults and others around them are reacting. This group may also:
- be especially anxious about the safety of family and friends, and themselves
- try very hard to please adults and not worry them, and so not let themselves grieve
- feel stronger emotional reactions, such as anger, guilt, sense of rejection
- want to take on more adult responsibilities, trying very hard to please
- feel embarrassment; feel different from peers; may conceal their loss
- become more focused on what’s happened and ask questions, think about it a lot, have dreams about it, and perhaps want to talk about it often to others
It Helps To: All the above plus time to talk with you and other trusted adults, when they need to, regular reassurance – spoken, and with encouraging physical touch (such as hugs, pat on the back etc), honesty about events and feelings, know you understand their grief, regular encouragement, avoid expectations of adult behavior – allow them to be the age and stage they are
Teenagers
By adolescence, death is accepted as part of life, but it may not have affected a teenager personally yet. Their reactions may fluctuate between earlier age group reactions and reactions that are more adult.
Teenagers will often want to spend more time with friends than family as they seek support. They may want to feel they’re coping, and be seen to be, but inside be hurting a great deal, or be putting their emotions on a shelf for a later time.
Death can so shake teens that some react with risk taking behavior – to escape the feelings and reality and as a source of comfort. They may use jokes or humor to mask feelings, act or say they don’t care, have a change in self-esteem plus many of the previous reactions.
It Helps To: be willing to listen, and available to talk about whatever they need to talk about, it can be helpful for parents, or other adults, to share their own feelings regarding the loss, talk to them about grief – what it is, that it’s normal, that everyone is different, avoid expectations of adult behavior, let them help in planning the funeral or something to remember the loss
RESOURCES:
There are tons of picture books and books for kids available. A quick google search will produce a lengthy list. Some resources we’ve found helpful:
Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman (for adults)
It’s OK to Laugh: Crying is Cool, Too by Nora McInerny (for adults). She also has a fabulous TED talk, add’l books, and a podcast on grieving.
When God Doesn’t Make Sense by James Dobson
Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert