If going to church is something your family does regularly, there’s no reason to stop when you have a baby. In fact, we’d argue it’s even more important that you continue the routines you had before your baby joins the family.
When it feels like it takes an act of Congress to get everyone out the door intact, is it even worth the effort?
YES.
The Barna Research Group of Ventura, California is a private, non-partisan, for-profit organization that is a go-to source for insights about faith, culture, leadership, and more. Barna has conducted more than two million interviews over the course of thousands of studies, so I had to peek at some of their research when we began our discussion about taking your kids to church.
They found that roughly seven out of ten American adults (71%) had a period of time during their childhood when they regularly attended a Christian church. Apparently, old habits die hard: a majority of those who attended church as a youngster still attend regularly today (61%), while a large majority of those who were not church-goers as children are still absent from churches today (78%).
Why?
It communicates what’s important. (To them AND to you). It’s a way of letting your child witness that your faith is front & center. Church (or your small group or other fellowship) isn’t just something you check off on your “should list,” it’s something you look forward to and don’t want to miss. It’s a way of filling your own cup as a parent (that all important self-care everyone talks about), even if it takes some effort.
AND God knows your season. He sees you buckling the car seats, finding snacks and shoes and hair bows. He sees you up & down during service like a yo-yo…and your children see you, too. Some things may not be convenient—they may even be hard–but they’re worthy of our effort. You’re showing them HE is worthy of your effort.
One pastor said: The greatest stumbling block for children in worship is that their parents do not cherish the hour. Children can feel the difference between duty and delight. Therefore, the first and most important job of a parent is to fall in love with the worship of God. You can’t impart what you don’t possess.
Pro-tip: don’t add to the chaos by dressing baby/toddler up in scratchy, pinchy uncomfortable outfits. It’s likely to just bring down their mood at best or lead to power struggles and tears even before you get out the door, and now no one is in a great frame of mind. People will just be glad to see YOU; they’re not concerned about your ‘fit or that your baby looks like a model from Baby Gap. (Odds are they’re going to spit up on that cute outfit anyway).
BABIES: sometimes your baby may sleep thru the whole service, giving you an hour’s respite. Or, the opposite may happen. Maybe they’re fussy & overwhelmed and you or your spouse has to take them out to the nursery or the hallways. Either way, they’re there, you’re there. It’s becoming part of your routine.
Odds are, you’ll run into other parents in the same boat. You’ll catch each other’s eye and you’ll each—for a moment—feel seen. They get it. There’ll be older parents there who “get it,” too, who’d be willing to hold your child or entertain your toddler. The child’s grandparents may be there, ready & willing to step in.
Babies cry. Don’t even stress about it. Give them a minute to see if they’ll settle but if not, it’s not a big deal to walk them out of the service. Many churches have cry rooms or areas for nursing mothers where the service is shown on video or audio. You can still feel like you’re present even if you have to nurse or soothe your baby outside the main service.
Do be mindful of older adults present who have a hard time hearing with background noise. If your baby’s too fussy and doesn’t seem to be settling quickly, it’s considerate to take him/her out so that others can hear. But please don’t feel that you’ve “failed” somehow when you need to do this!
We have several examples in the OT of the Israelites, men, women, elders, and children, gathering in assemblies before God. When God renewed his covenant with Israel in the land of Moab, Moses summoned ALL of Israel.
Deut 29:10-15
10 “You are standing today, all of you, before the Lord your God: the heads of your tribes,[d] your elders, and your officers, all the men of Israel, 11 your little ones, your wives, and the sojourner who is in your camp, from the one who chops your wood to the one who draws your water, 12 so that you may enter into the sworn covenant of the Lord your God, which the Lord your God is making with you today, 13 that he may establish you today as his people, and that he may be your God, as he promised you, and as he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob. 14 It is not with you alone that I am making this sworn covenant, 15 but with whoever is standing here with us today before the Lord our God, and with whoever is not here with us today.
And many years later, when the Moabites and Ammonites came against the kingdom of Judah, king Jehosophat stood in the assembly of Judah and Jerusalem in the house of the LORD and prayed for God to execute judgment on their aggressors…
13 Meanwhile all Judah stood before the Lord, with their little ones, their wives, and their children. 14 And the Spirit of the Lord came[d] upon Jahaziel… 2 Chronicles 20:13-14
And in the gospels we see Jesus welcoming little children in his ministry: Jesus said “Let the little children come, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these” (Matthew 19:14). Jesus didn’t say make your children sit quietly, make sure they don’t squirm. He said let them come. This is the kingdom.
TODDLERS: An hour-long service is a long time for a busy 15 month old or a 2-3 yr old! Be prepared!
- Practice at Home If there’s no other time of your day/week when you ask your child to sit still (reading a book together, e.g.,), then it’s unreasonable to expect they’ll do it for this one random hour on Sunday. If there’s no other context where you practice “inside voice” or “whisper”, then everything they say will be loud. Blanket time, chair time, reading time etc
- Talk about What’s Expected Ahead of Time (people who might speak to them; how they may have to sit for awhile; that they can sing and dance if they like, etc.) Some make the argument that children need to be in the worship service so they can see how to worship, and see the adults in their life praising Jesus. We adults also benefit because joyful children give us a glimpse of the Kingdom.
- Bring a Busy Bag! Seriously don’t expect a toddler to be able to sit quietly for the entire hour with rapt attention. It’s totally fine to bring something for them to color, small toys to play on the seat with, sticker books, etc. Our church offers “quiet bags” parents can check out. Maybe reserve your busy bag with some unique toys & books that your toddler sees only during church times….that way they stay new & interesting.
- Eating/Drinking? IMHO, small snacks are ok, but it’s not the time to break out an entire meal or spillable/stainable food items. We should’ve bought stock in Goldfish & Cheerios.
- SIT UP FRONT: It’s more engaging and your child may be more apt to notice/participate in what’s going on.
- SIT IN BACK: Conversely, if you’re pretty sure the odds are against you lasting the whole service and you’d rather make a more stealthy exit, you can sit near the back.
- DO require your child to participate in some of what’s going on. They can sing, clap, dance with music. They can stop playing to pray. You can talk to them about what may be going on—communion, baptisms, etc. They should be able to have small windows to pay attention. Using screens or allowing them to play video games IMHO tends to shut them off from what’s going on around them. Coloring or looking thru books is different—their brains/attention still tends to pick up some of what’s said.
- Make Friends. Church should be relational. Toddlers can recognize and relate with other children they see each week in a small class or nursery area. You can help them look forward to seeing their friends at church, just as you do. This goes for not just their friends, but other adults as well…favorite teachers, a particular pastor or member who always sits in the pew behind you….
One pastor’s wife said she used “other gatherings as a training ground — baptisms, choir concerts, missionary videos, or other special events that would grab the attention of a 3-year-old. I’d “promote” these to the child as something exciting and grown-up. The occasional special attendance gradually developed into regular evening attendance, while at the same time we were beginning to attempt Sunday mornings more and more regularly.”
(The food trick of “maybe you’ll like it when you’re older…”)
OLDER CHILDREN
If you’ve been in the routine of coming to church from the get-go, then younger children (4-6) should have no problem going to service for an hour.
“Children’s church” options…. Opinions??
Worshiping together as a family
Practicing “big church” for a time
Do want church to be ENGAGING but it doesn’t necessarily have to be ENTERTAINING (which is the constant expectation from many kids). Parents can help with the engaging part, with a bit of effort with their child during service.
Depending on the age, you certainly can ask your older child to find the sermon story in their own Bible. You can talk about it with them afterwards in a way that’s more on their level.
We did this and I recommend it: “Taking notes” grows up as the child does. At first he draws pictures of what he hears in the sermon. Individual words or names trigger individual pictures. You might pick out a word (we did up to 5) that will be used frequently in the sermon; have the child listen carefully and make a check mark in his “notes” each time he hears the word.
Later he may want to copy letters or words from the Scripture passage for the morning. When spelling comes easier, he will write words and then phrases he hears in the sermon. Before you might expect it, he will probably be outlining the sermon and noting whole concepts.
https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/the-family-together-in-gods-presence
EVEN OLDER KIDS
This is where you may start to see some pushback from some kids. They’re starting to form a spiritual framework of their own, ask questions, have doubts or questions.
The routines/habits you’ve had as a family all along should still remain. This isn’t the time to give in when your 15 yr old doesn’t want to get up on Sunday morning. If it’s a continuous battle, this is a sign you need to be working on your relationship with them, having real conversations about what they’re thinking, where their head/heart is. Don’t be afraid of questions or doubts. God encourages those! He’s not afraid of them!
It’s so much about PEERS at this age….if your child expresses curiosity in different church services or wants to go with a friend, that’s a perfect opportunity to talk about why you believe what you believe and to get them started thinking about their own beliefs. It won’t be long before they’re out on their own, and being comfortable in different church settings, asking questions, knowing how to evaluate and discern what’s being taught is actually a great skill to have. Don’t shut down curiosity.
Barna: Attending church over the course of years affects our religious practices as adults, too. One of their surveys discovered that adults who attended church as a child are twice as likely to read the Bible during a typical week as are those who avoided churches when young; twice as likely to attend a church worship service in a typical week; and nearly 50% more likely to pray to God during a typical week.
Not Everything Goes Over Their Heads
Children absorb a tremendous amount that is of value. And this is true even if they say they are bored.
Music and words become familiar. The message of the music starts to sink in. The form of the service comes to feel natural. The choir makes a special impression with a kind of music the children may hear at no other time. Even if most of the sermon goes over their heads, experience shows that children hear and remember remarkable things.
The content of the prayers and songs and sermon gives parents unparalleled opportunities to teach their children the great truths of our faith. If parents would only learn to query their children after the service and then explain things, the children’s capacity to participate would soar.
Not everything children experience has to be put on their level in order to do them good. Some things must be. But not everything.
For example, to learn a new language you can go step by step from alphabet to vocabulary to grammar to syntax. Or you can take a course where you dive in over your head, and all you hear is the language you don’t know. Most language teachers would agree that the latter is by far the most effective.
Sunday worship service is not useless to children just because much of it goes over their heads. They can and will grow into this new language faster than we think — if positive and happy attitudes are fostered by the parents.