The Institute for Family Studies is one of our go-to resources on this podcast for all things family and marriage. One of the questions they try to answer, through all of their articles and research is this:
Why is it so hard to sustain a good marriage?
One reason may be that we have come to expect so much from our marriages that it’s hard to sustain them and easy to become disappointed. And many of our podcast topics are operating from the assumption that our listeners are wanting to take their marriages or their parenting from good…… to great.
But what if things aren’t so good? What do you do when life seems to be spiraling out of control and you don’t see improvement year after year? What if things seem to be getting worse, not better?
Well, today we have a guest who has lived through some very trying times and I (Renee) wanted to invite her here to share her story and her wisdom with our listeners. Especially those who may resonate with her story. So, let’s welcome Traci Condra to Just Ask Your Mom! Tell us a bit about yourself (husband, kids, jobs, family-of-origin etc)
How did you and your husband meet? What did you see in him that drew you to him?
When did things start to go badly in your marriage?
What did you do when you didn’t see much hope for the future?
The Second Law of Thermodynamics of Marriage
From the IFS: When we talk to people about the challenge of keeping a marriage healthy and strong, we often talk to them about the “Second Law of Marital Thermodynamics.”
Maybe you remember from your high school or college physics class what the Second Law of Thermodynamics is. Basically, it says that chaos—not order—is the natural tendency of the physical universe, and unless energy is intentionally injected into these systems, they fall apart over time—they become disorganized. Anyone who cleans kitchens and bathrooms understands this basic principle!
We think there is a direct parallel of this principle for social systems generally and marital systems specifically.
Marriages—including basically good marriages—naturally tend toward chaos. Unless we regularly put energy into our marital systems, they will gradually become more disorganized—less healthy and less satisfying. Good and healthy marriages are the result of regular work—attending to our relationships, communicating, spending fun and fulfilling time together, serving each other, etc. Without the work, marriages naturally fall apart. Working on our relationships seems to be a pretty modern idea, probably only a century old. It doesn’t sound very romantic to talk about having to work on our relationships. But almost all good things are achieved with energy and effort.
How did you and Kyle work on your marriage and yourselves through the years?
Let’s talk about commitment.
Commitment
One prominent marriage researcher, educator, and therapist, Dr. Scott Stanley at the University of Denver, defines commitment as having a long-term view of the marriage that helps us not get overwhelmed by the problems and challenges we experience day to day. We keep our eyes focused on the valued long-term prize—a healthy, stable marriage and family—and work to get there.
Two Kinds of Commitment: Constraint Commitment and Personal Dedication
Researchers have identified two elements of commitment. The first is constraint commitment. These are things that keep us in the marriage even if things aren’t going so well, for example, social pressure from family or friends, financial worries, children, religious or moral beliefs about divorce, and fear about the future. We often think about constraints as negative things in a society that values choice and freedom so much. But constraints also can serve the purpose of keeping us from jumping ship when leaks appear in our marriage, as they almost always do.
It’s highly unusual for constraints like this to hold a marriage together that long without developing a second, stronger form of commitment: personal dedication. This involves a real desire to be together with one’s spouse in the future, a sense of “we-ness,” or an identity as a couple, not just two individuals. It also involves making the relationship and the spouse a priority, and a willingness to sacrifice for the spouse. It also means making the choice to give up other choices, so we stay focused on our spouse and on our marriage rather than wondering about how green the grass is on the other side of the fence. When there is high dedication commitment in a relationship, we feel safer and are willing to give more— and even sacrifice—for the relationship.
How did you and Kyle exhibit constraint commitment and personal dedication?
A Note About Abuse
The fundamental purpose of abuse is to retain control over the victim. If your spouse abuses you, they may also try to make getting a divorce harder to prevent you from leaving. There are many forms of domestic abuse. Your spouse may subject you to verbal, emotional, financial, sexual, or physical abuse to control you.
Check this out. From Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft:
- The Demand Man: It’s your job to do things for me. If I’m unhappy, it’s your fault.
- Mr. Right–I know better than you do. When you disagree with me, that’s mistreatment of me.
- The Water Torturer: I know how to get under your skin. You’re crazy & fly off the handle, as long as I’m calm, nothing I do is abuse, no matter how cruel
- The Drill Seargent: I need to control your every move or you’ll do it wrong. He criticizes. You shouldn’t have anyone else in your life but me. I’ll watch you like a hawk to keep you from developing strength or independence. I love you, but you disgust me.
- Mr. Sensitive: I’m against “macho men” so I couldn’t be abusive. I control you by analyzing how your mind and emotions work. I can get inside your head. I use psychobabble such that no one will believe I’m abusing you. You should be grateful I’m not like those “macho men.”
- The Player: If you could meet my sexual needs I wouldn’t have to turn to other women. Women were put on this earth to have sex with men. Women who want the nonsexual aspects of themselves appreciated are ungrateful shrews.
- Rambo: strength and aggressiveness are good. Femininity is inferior. Women are to serve men and be protected by them. You belong to me like a trophy.,
- The Victim: Everybody’s done me wrong. I’ve had it so hard I’m not responsible for my actions. It’s justifiable for me to do whatever I feel you’re doing to me and even worse, to make sure you get the message. Women who claim they’re mistreated are anti-male
- The Terrorist: I’d rather die than accept your right to independence. Women are evil and have to be terrified to keep that in check. Seeing you terrified is exciting and satisfying. You have no right to defy or leave me.
- The Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser: I’m not abusive. I’m just alcoholic/drug addicted/ manic depressive, etc. I’m not responsible for my actions because of psychological or abuse problems. If you challenge me, you’re being mean and don’t understand my problems. When you challenge me, it triggers my illness and you’re responsible for what I do.
Bancroft answers questions like “when is it abuse?” Is there a distinct line I can keep my eye on so I know when he’s crossed it? Since nobody’s perfect, how do I know the difference between a bad day when he’s just being a jerk and a pattern that adds up to something more certain?
If you’re involved with someone who is abusive, the main thing to realize is that regardless of what your spouse has told you, you are not responsible for their behavior. Abusers are skilled at twisting the truth to make you feel like you are the one with the problems and that you are going crazy. Remember, you are not to blame.
Second, recognize that you cannot change your spouse no matter how good or kind you are.
Third, you’ll need to speak with someone about your relationship. Abused victims are often afraid to speak out about their abuser because they feel that they must protect their date or mate even if he or she is in the wrong. However, you must seek help. You can contact Focus on the Family at 1-800-A-FAMILY to speak with a licensed counselor and receive a free counseling referral for your area. Or, you may contact the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.
Lastly, remember that you are valuable and God has created you to be honored.
Okay, back to your story, Traci. What was the turning point in your marriage?
Victim vs Victor Mentality
Dr. Marcus Warner has a podcast called On the Trail that I (Renee) highly recommend. There is a recent series where describes how God trains us when we have a significant Jesus encounter. It’s the Israelites and the Exodus story.
God sees us when we are oppressed and groaning. He knows what has created our victim mindset and understands why we are the way we are. He loves us too much to leave us that way and wants to take us on a transformational journey that will
- give us a new identity
- teach us to live out of that identity
- help us to live a victorious Christian life rather than one that is stuck in the wilderness
The nation of Israel was enslaved in Egypt for 400 years. 400 years! This is a generational slavery mindset. They aren’t ready for the promised land. They couldn’t manage it without going through what Dr Warner calls “boot camp.”
God leads them to the Mountain of God. God knows they need to learn to trust Him for their survival, and He has a plan to break down their victim identity and build in them a victorious identity.
What do you do when you have a setback? We now know that the body keeps the score and I’m sure you have moments when your body feels panicky or scared.
What’s next for your marriage?
What words of advice do you have for someone who may be listening and in a similar situation?