Sibling Relationships are as old as time. Cain & Abel, Jacob & Esau, Joseph & his brothers. Even Jesus was ribbed by his brothers. Those in the Christian community often refer to one another as “brothers and sisters,” which is probably no accident. We often act out pettiness, jealousies, and competition just as siblings in a biological family do.
Everybody can think of famous sibs: William & Harry, Venus & Serena Williams, Eli & Payton Manning, JFK & Bobby Kennedy….
Sibs are the only ones with you for the whole ride. This relationship may define you & form you most powerfully of all.
Let’s talk about siblings.
Renee—one of 3 sibs, the only and oldest daughter; husband has one brother. Bonnie—one of 5, the fourth daughter; husband is “an only.”
We’ll get into some of the issues between brothers & sisters, but first
What are the benefits of siblings?
- Forces us to live side-by-side with others and consider others
- Often the first glimpse of the opposite gender in close quarters
- Memory keepers
- Whole life of stuff under mom & dad radar: inside jokes, experiences…
- Older sibs can hold difft memories (they knew you when, grieve with you thru parent loss)
- Can help with aging parents
A lot of new moms worry about adding a sibling to their comfortable nest of one child. How can we ease into the idea of adding a baby to the family mix?
- Read books to child
- Talk about it
- Encourage older sib role of helper, teacher
- Be honest about time baby may need (time that once belonged only to the oldest)
Once the baby arrives,
Be careful not to enlist the older sib TOO much (this can cause resentment) if the new
- baby is just a chore for them. You also don’t want to foster superiority or bossiness. You want to emphasize peer relationship and first borns can easily slip into equality with mom/dad over the youngers. Remind them who’s in charge.
- Praise big sig for gentleness, kindness, helpfulness, etc.
- Make special moments, time with toddler when baby is sleeping; trips out with one parent
THEY ARE BEST FRIENDS
Will they feel this at first? Probably not. Baby can’t DO anything.
Foster team mentality—we rejoice with each other, support each other, empathize, go to events, applaud & encourage.
Each child is celebrated. Birthdays are individual & each one will get their day. Not everyone should get a present. Learning to celebrate someone else is a GOOD TRAIT.
Don’t allow negative talk, insults, etc.
Siblings are a real-time exercise for life. They teach us conflict avoidance and resolution, when to stand up for yourself and when to walk away. They teach us love, loyalty, honesty, sharing, compromise, negotiation, and about keeping secrets/confidences.
In a large family, some sibs will be closer than others. That’s normal & ok. Would still be there to help one another, etc.
CONFLICT:
If you’re living in same space with someone, conflict will happen. It’s not the end of the world and it’s not unusual.
The earlier & more consistently you guide your littles through dealing with conflict, the better!!
Play together is allowed until conflict arises. Young children need supervision! Think about the regularity of it. If you’re having a lot of conflict over & over, they’re clearly not able to play together without help. Kids under 5 are generally not self- regulated enough to always be peaceable and share (no matter how many times you’ve told them to).
If there’s conflict, just separate them. That may be all the “consequence” that’s needed. Certain temperaments need more alone time than others & become irritable if they’re constantly touched/needed/talked to.
FEUDS IN PLAYROOM STUDY
In the 2-4 age group, there was one fight every 6.3 minutes. That’s 9.5 fights every hour!
The biggest trigger was PROPERTY. Over 95% of fights deal with someone touching, playing with, looking at the other person’s stuff. Property is the only way kids have to project their limited power. This is “mine.”
**Not every item of the big sibs is fair game to have to share. Privacy & dominion should be respected.
Physical: boys will wrestle until someone gets hurt. Don’t wait until then. Pull them aside to settle them down. (It’s all fun & games until someone gets hurt…)
Slapping, pushing, biting, etc. – most all of these are due to frustration. Watch for cues. Vigilance. Talk them thru the conflict, giving each side time to express. Walk them thru resolving.
FOLLOW UP: why this behavior is not ok, consequence might be separation/isolation or doing something nice for one another (to demonstrate the behavior you’d RATHER see). Also, teach & model APOLOGY & FORGIVENESS & RESTITUTION.
This may be one of the most important lessons siblings give opportunities to teach over & over: asking for and granting forgiveness.
A WORD ABOUT TATTLING
Tattling vs. telling –how to tell the difference. Telling (for health and safety reasons or to help guide a sibling to best behavior) is acceptable. TATTLING is specifically running to a parent with the HOPE that it will get someone else in trouble. It’s delighting in someone else’s punishment. You can usually tell the difference with tone and body language.
If a tattler comes to you, don’t entertain the information. Ask if they’ve tried to work it out on their own. Ask whether they’ve tried to encourage their sister/brother to better behavior. If they have and they BOTH come to you for conflict resolution help, both sides should be heard only when there’s not “delight in someone else’s misfortune” involved.
RIVALRY:
Different from conflict. Rivalry is a negative jockeying for position or parental attention among siblings.
- Rivalry comes into play when fairness is an issue (or is seen as one)
- If parents show favoritism/preference
- If there’s a lot of comparison/competiveness encouraged
- labels
One child may need extra attn. b/c of behavior or special needs
Often behavior shifts from child to child like a teeter totter. Beware of letting the “good” child get the dregs of parental attention.
70% of fathers & 65% of mothers exhibit preference for at least one child. Most common “fav” for a dad is last born daughter. Most common fav for mom is first-born son. Temperament plays a part—even if your child doesn’t resemble you in gender, if they match your temperament, you may tend to show preference.
Labeling—one’s the athlete, someone’s the pretty one, smart one, funny one…. Sometimes parents communicate that only certain KINDS of accomplishments will be applauded. This sets sibs in competition against one another.
Try to divide your time with kids (esp the more you have), so each gets some measure of your attention. Look at this time in matter of weeks rather than each day.
You should be the buoy not the boat. They should be able to come to you back & forth rather than have you hovering and working every conflict out for them before giving them a chance to practice.
BIRTH ORDER:
1st borns—tend to be bigger & healthier, vaxxed more reliably, more followup doctor visits. Have 3 point IQ advantage over 2nd-borns. More likely to be CEOs, earn more. Serious, striving.
Middles: have a 1.5 IQ advantage over later borns. Often overlooked, peacemakers. They’re like the “flyover states.” Have to fight for recognition. (Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!) Take longer to find direction, possible self esteem issues. Tend to have denser & richer relationships outside the home.
Last Borns: smallest/weakest? Develop “low-power” skills of charm and intuition. Funnier. “wild child”
All different, but still A UNIT. Stronger together. Some sib relationships can be badly broken & may need to be abandoned…but if you HAVE the sib relationship and don’t make the most of it, you’re doing yourself a disservice.
Older sibs—blessing of that relationship, in your own family of origin & watching our kids stay close.