Helping Kids Overcome Shame
If we look at the most profound and basic of human questions (why are we here?) scripture tells us it is to act justly, love mercy, walk humbly, to love our neighbor as ourselves, and to love God with our heart, soul, and strength. All of those boil down to CONNECTION.
Connection is WHY WE ARE HERE.
All of us crave it from the time we’re infants. It’s why the OB places your baby on your chest right after birth for skin-on-skin contact. As infants, we learn that when we cry, someone responds. When that doesn’t happen, as in the case of the Romanian orphanages or those born into the prison camps of North Korea, the effects are catastrophic.
In the depths of our beings, we crave BELONGING & ACCEPTANCE. TO BE SEEN & KNOWN.
It’s why the worst thing is to be exiled, excluded, cast-out or canceled!!! The mean girls in middle school and high school are MASTERS of using this to grab power/influence. It’s what is playing out in our society now—because look around: we’re all still in middle school/high school. One group is still trying to box out another and deny them a place at the lunch table.
What does this have to do with SHAME? Shame is the thing that destroys connection.
This episode grew from a listener question about “helping kids overcome shame,” but if we don’t know how to do it for ourselves AS PARENTS it’s not likely we’ll be able to convey it well to our children.
Before we go further, let us direct you to Brene Brown, a master shame researcher. Truly, if you want comprehensive information about shame, its effects, and how to combat it, you NEED to check her out. She has written several books, has a famous TED talk, and an ongoing podcast called Unlocking Us. A lot of the information in this episode comes directly from her.
Shame is universal. On some level, we all feel it or have experienced it.
There was no shame before sin. Genesis 2:25 – Adam and his wife were both naked and they felt no shame.
What does shame look like? When you muster up the courage to try something new, say, or meet a new person, put yourself out there in some way, shame is the thing that says: nope. You don’t have the right degree. You aren’t thin enough. Your family doesn’t make enough money or live in the right neighborhood. Your dad never paid attention, so what makes you think anyone else will? Your husband’s more interested in Netflix than you…..blah blah blah
***Shame is that recording that plays in your head 2 main thoughts: (1) You’re never good enough (2) Who do you think you are. Loving anyone (including you) is an emotional risk. You’re worth the risk! Hating on yourself is a habit. You get into it with practice & can get out of it with practice. Comparison is a shaming poison. For shamed people, when we look around, our focus is always on how we’re less than, rarely how we’re better.
It’s the fear of disconnection: it says “there’s something about me, that if people knew it or saw it, makes me unworthy of connection/love”. So it makes you crouch under the radar and stay small rather than face possible rejection/failure or—ironically, possible success.
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SHAME & GUILT
Shame is a focus on self. It says I am bad. I’m a mistake. What will people think of me?? It’s highly correlated with addiction, aggression, eating disorders, bullying, suicide….
Guilt is a focus on behavior. It says I did something bad. I made a mistake. It’s inversely correlated with the negative things. Guilt can correct our performance; shame condemns our person.
According to Brown, SHAME thrives and grows because of (1) secrecy (2) silence (3) judgement. It destroys connection.
Sam Louie was an Asian American news reporter turned therapist who dealt with his own shame: pornography addiction. Guilt can be healthy since it helps us acknowledge mistakes we need to correct and leads us to think of ways to rebuild ourselves and our relationships with others—-including with God. Shame, by contrast, is a perverse and distorted belief that we are inherently unworthy of love. Consequently, when you feel shame, instead of wanting to be corrected, you feel you deserve to be persecuted, punished, and tormented. A shame-based person doesn’t know how to feel healthy guilt.
Antidote to shame is EMPATHY & VULNERABILITY.
Most people hear “vulnerable” and think ______ (weak). But the emotional risk of being vulnerable is actually the highest form of courage. You’re allowing yourself to be seen, being honest. It’s the courage to be imperfect and authentic. Think back when someone has been most vulnerable with you and it’s often the most beautiful images— allowing someone to take care of you; the first careful times you have sex as a newlywed; Renee admitting to the friend that she’d taken antidepressants; someone asking for forgiveness, daring to create something & putting it out there…. Beautiful!
***Empathy & vulnerability take deliberate practice. We have to let ourselves be seen and love with our whole heart EVEN WHEN THERE’S NO GUARANTEE. Practice gratitude in moments of terror instead of catastrophizing…believe we are enough and that we are worthy.
HOW TO COMBAT SHAME WITH OUR KIDS (& ourselves/others):
It’s very tempting to parent with shame because it works! It feels so painful a kid will do almost anything to avoid feeling it again, but it shapes their soul in all the wrong ways.
Be careful with praise (not gushy/constant; praise what they can control—effort—rather than attributes—pretty, smart, thin)
Failure is your friend Vulnerability/risk is the birthplace of creativity, innovation. This is super hard for perfectionists!! Don’t want to try if they might risk failure or being mediocre.
Recognize what kind of shame is happening. Scripture describes manipulative shame (Saul shames Jonathan for helping David escape 1 Sam 20:30); Job in his grief felt despairing shame (Job 10:15); Proverbs describes the disregard for discipline, wickedness, answering before listening, disrespecting parents, hasty actions that all bring poverty and shame; Final shame described in Revelation – those who do shameful things won’t be able to enter the new Jerusalem… they’re outside the gate.
No matter what include embrace/touch. Conveys love. Prodigal son story. Son’s behavior/choice was terrible but his PERSON is nothing but value. He scans the horizon every day looking for the boy he loves.
Be responsive, available, empathetic. Give examples from your life where you’ve been afraid, anxious, etc., so they don’t feel alone/weird. ME TOO.
“You Are” language. Speaking life. Watch how sibs speak to each other; how spouses speak to each other in front of kids. If they mess up: “that’s not who you are,”…. Elevate the virtue! For example, if one sibling hits another, your response is not shaming: What is wrong with you? You’re a bad boy! Instead, you speak the virtue you expect: I know you love your brother. I know you have a kind heart. You can come out when you’re ready to make it right. Consequence & guilt remain to work thru their heart, but shame is not part of it.
Listen. Don’t dismiss or try to fix. Hear & see. If they’re too little help them to name the emotion so they don’t mistakenly attribute it to themselves…. Anger is often a mask for something else.
Know and speak the truth. King David wrote again and again in the Psalms, “No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame” Ps 25:3; Jesus takes our shame Hebrews 12: 103 “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”
Daily remind yourself and your kids of the Gospel. From a book review of Shame Interrupted: How God Lifts the Pain of Worthlessness and Rejection: The cross is the best summary of what God says to unworthy people. Through the cross we receive honor before God: from poor to rich, from slavery to royalty, from weak to strong, from foolish to wise, from ugly to beautiful, from useless to missional, from shame to honor, from naked to clothed, from unclean to holy, and from outcast to beloved. To overcome shame we must rest in our association with Jesus.
GOD NEVER CANCELS.
From an article by Abdu Murray at TGC: In cancel culture, a single mistake is perpetually unforgivable because it’s not simply a guilty act. Rather, the mistake defines the individual’s identity, turning them into a shameful person—someone who can be “canceled.” Juliet November summed up what used to be the differences between Western and Eastern cultures: In a Western framework, I would feel guilty because I have “done something bad”; in an Eastern honor-shame framework, I would be guilty because “I am bad” in society’s eyes. Becoming someone bad means that redemption doesn’t come by fixing the mistake. An apology isn’t enough.
God loves messy. He eats it up and uses it to make masterpieces. Every one of the 12 disciples were day laborers; hadn’t made it into the rabbinical track.
What does God think when He thinks about you?
Get in the habit of thought traps. Catch them and counter them with truth. Post-it reminders on the mirror or sun visor.
Be ruthless (& encourage your kids to be) about intake. You don’t owe anyone an explanation or apology for who you follow or unfollow. Teach them to be aware of fake/false/curated.
Brene Brown says in her TED talk that we as Americans are the most obese, addicted, medicated, in debt adult population in US history. Instead of waging war with shame, we NUMB IT. Problem is….. you can’t selectively numb “bad feelings” without numbing the good ones, too. You miss out on joy, love, belonging b/c you’re afraid to take the risk of the connection you really want.
We also tend to try to perfect. Especially with our kids. Once they arrive all sweet and precious, we try to maintain that perfection, but that was never our assignment as parents!! Our job is to tell them they’re imperfect AND beautiful AND wired for struggle. And boy, are you worthy anyway. And, by the way, so are we.