Talking to kids about race
On the heels of 2020 in America, the topic of race is perhaps more charged than ever. We realize that you don’t know what you don’t know, so we invited a pair of other moms to the table to discuss the topic outright. How do white parents and black parents talk about this subject with their kids? Is it too much for them to digest?
In our experience, most white parents, if they raise the issue at all, do so in general, vague ways like “everyone is equal,” “Jesus loves us all,” or “we’re all the same.” We think by NOT pointing out race, we automatically teach our kids to not see color (what we call “being color-blind) and therefore racial distinctions/prejudices won’t form. Of course, we’re not overtly teaching racism (since we aren’t using ugly words or having hateful attitudes), so our kids naturally will see everyone as equal.
Turns out, this doesn’t work.
When children enter the world, their brains immediately make sense of things by creating categories: safe/not safe, same/not same. When they’re old enough to begin looking at picture books and listen to adult voices pointing out things (Look at the blue elephant. Isn’t he silly?), they are already forming a sense of identity and self. When parents don’t explicitly point out differences and diversity, they leave children’s developing brains to categorize on their own, and often the conclusions they reach are abhorrent and exactly the opposite of our values. Children are concrete little beings and need concrete examples to understand concepts. Next time you read a book with your child, try it: Look at the man’s brown skin–isn’t it beautiful? Look at the lady–she’s a scientist. People can be all kinds of things. Black people can be astronauts and white people can play basketball.
Ashley Golden, an electrical engineer and mom of two kids (Alex, age 8, and McKenna, age 4), has different, more pointed conversations about race with her children because Ashley, her husband, and their kids are black. Her son is the sole black child in his entire second grade, a fact that he is clearly aware of. Her name “sounds white,” so while she’d email with other engineers at her job about technical projects, when they finally met in a conference room, it wasn’t uncommon for her colleagues to dismissively shake hands, searching for the engineer they’d assumed they’d been corresponding with–the white one. She recounts many times her relatives and friends have had to think carefully and make pointed decisions to safeguard themselves–in ways that never occur to whites.
Abby Rosser is a mom to four kids, three of them white and one, her youngest, Ezra, an adopted son from the Democratic Republic of Congo in Central Africa. The differences in her family are obvious, and, yes, they field rude and inappropriate questions from strangers in the grocery store. Abby relies on friends like Ashley to help her navigate what her youngest may face. She’s at a disadvantage because, she knows, her experiences (and those of her other son, Knox) are likely very different from what Ezra’s may be.
Both moms admit to feeling anxious and sad at having to crack their sons’ shell of innocence as they grow. They will need to know, sooner rather than later, that people may perceive them as a threat and make assumptions about them just because of how they look. If they drive to a white friend’s house in a mostly white neighborhood, it will not be a carefree act. This is neither fair nor right, but over 50 years after the Civil Rights act was passed, it is still the case for Abby and Ashley’s black sons, while it is not for Renee’s and mine.
As moms, we are all fiercely protective of our kids. We all want the best for them and want them to believe they can do and be anything. We also want them to be kind, have empathy, and do what’s right. How do we teach this to our kids?
1. Talk to them. Be concrete and explicit. Let them ask questions and don’t shush them because it’s uncomfortable. You want to be a safe place, a trusted resource. Would you rather them learn about sex on the playground or from you? The same is true for race. When you think you’re done, circle back and have more conversations at a later date. Ask them questions. Why do you think that is? What did you think about that?
2. Start early. Don’t entrust their “race education” to the school system. Find books about famous black people in history or untold stories and read, read, read. Don’t hide the truth. Kids can process more than you think. If possible, visit history. Go see the Selma bridge near Birmingham or the places MLK preached in Atlanta. Read about and visit sites for the Underground Railroad and then engage their imaginations.
3. Make friends who are different from you/your family. If your neighborhood’s not diverse, reach out to other parents at school, church, scouts, or on your kid’s sports team. Engage. Explore. Ask questions and get to know each other as people with much in common.
4. Give each other grace! We don’t know what we don’t know, but as Maya Angelou famously said, when you know better, do better.
5. Be an ally. Teach your kids in concrete ways to stand up and speak up for others. Don’t let the racist comment slide (even if it’s from Grandma or old Uncle Joe). Respectfully explore it: Wow, why do you feel that way? You know, that makes me uncomfortable and isn’t super kind. A child’s comment to an adult can go a long way to change an ingrained perspective! If they don’t change their behavior, you’ve at least “marked it” for your child to circle back to later, and you’ve given them an example of moral courage.
6. Teach/model empathy. A solid tenant of the Christian faith is to do unto other as you’d have done to yourself. Ask: how would YOU feel if…, how would YOU want to be treated?
Books Mentioned/Recommended in the Podcast:
Little Leaders: Women in Black History
Little Legends: Men in Black History
Freedom Train: the story of Harriet Tubman
I listened intently to your episode on talking to children about race. I must say that frankly, you completely missed the mark. I am a black mom and one irresponsible thing to do is to ask any person of any under represented race to speak for their entire people. That is akin to thinking that we are all alike and that one can speak for another.
You would never expect to be asked what it is like being white. It was unfair of you to pose that question to your guest. I applaud your effort but, it borders on acting irresponsibly, without some research in advance, some “pre-prepping” of your guest. It was obvious that the only black person on the show was not prepared for such an “un-journalistic” question, ” what is it like being black?”. This topic is too important and timely for your lack of attention to it – and that was obvious. It appeared you didn’t prepare to even scratch the surface. It was as if you just wanted to be able to say you did it. It saddened me that the conversation was just rhetoric. Imagine how that mom felt leaving your show. Or better yet, ask her and care about her answer. You have a platform. Please use it responsibly. You should have these conversations because you can make a difference.
LaTricia, Thank you for listening and for taking the time to leave a comment. I see your point and apologize for our clumsiness with this topic. When you know better, you do better, and your input will help us do better in the future. Renee and I both acknowledge (and I think we did that on the podcast?) that we are of course unable to relate fully to the feelings and experiences of minorities since we don’t stand in your shoes. Our guest, Ms. Golden, was more than gracious and patient with our missteps here. We wanted to do two things: (1) have an honest conversation about an “uncomfortable” topic and acknowledge the importance of talking explicitly with our kids (of all colors) about race and how to treat others, and (2) learn some (certainly not ALL in the limited hour we had) of what Ashley and Abby experience and wish others (namely, white parents) knew about what it’s like to raise minority kids in this culture. There was no way we could do more than “scratch the surface” in that limited amount of time. The episode was meant to hopefully open the door a crack to start other conversations and get white parents in particular thinking AT ALL about the subject.
I talked with Ashley quite a bit beforehand about what we were thinking and expecting and also let her know if there was anything said or discussed that she was uncomfortable with or didn’t like, she could let us know and we would edit/delete parts of the conversation. We aren’t journalists, so it’s fair to say we might have “un-journalistic” questions now and then. We’re just regular moms trying to talk to other regular moms on subjects that are sometimes messy and hard. Will we mess up? That’s pretty much a given. We tried to approach this episode with a spirit of humility and honesty. Clearly, as you point out, we may not have navigated the waters in all the right ways, but we wanted to at least try, and believe me, we did this with a lot of fear and trembling, asking for and trying to give everyone in the room a lot of grace for being clumsy or “new to the table.” If we can’t give each other the freedom to stumble around with these conversations, then the conversations will probably never happen.
We didn’t feel the “conversation was just rhetoric.” On the contrary, there were a couple of very emotional moments (which you can’t know from audio only) and some aspects of the content that have changed my perspective (along with other reading and listening I’ve done over the past year).
I’d like to ask — what questions do you feel would be important or better that we didn’t ask? What are your top 3-5 things YOU’D want others to know when it comes to talking to your kids about race?