/rəˈspek(t)/
Here’s a word that gets tossed around a lot: respect. R-E-S-P-E-C-T as Aretha Franklin sang it.
We hear it a lot in relation to parenting. Children should respect their parents. “Don’t you sass me, young man! Don’t you disrespect me!”
And we hear it in relation to marriage (at least in church circles). Wives should respect their husbands. Eph 5:33… and husbands should love their wives.
What actually does respect look like? How are we treating someone when we respect them and what are we expecting when we ask for respect from someone else?
Dictionary says: respect is a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something, elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements. Or, due regard for the traditions, feelings, wishes, or rights of another.
Its opposite is contempt.
We were talking about this concept the other night in relation to adult children and their parents. We asked if they felt they owed their parents anything. Or if, in general, kids owe parents anything.
There were two camps: most people felt like they wouldn’t be the person they are today had it not been for their parents’ investment in them & love for them. So in that way, they felt kind of honor-bound out of gratitude to “give back” in some way to their parents, by spending time with them, cultivating that relationship, etc. No one in the group is old enough yet to be thinking about caring for aging parents, but they did consider that as one aspect that they would probably naturally do.
Others thought that they were the person they are today IN SPITE OF their parents’ failures or shortcomings. Maybe they honored their parent’s title—you only have one mom or dad, after all—but they didn’t necessarily feel they “owed” them anything and didn’t necessarily have warm fuzzies about cultivating that relationship or caring for them in specific ways as they aged. They might do it anyway out of a sense of duty but it wasn’t motivated by a deep love or gratitude.
When the question was turned around—most of them are fairly new parents with young children—did their kids owe THEM anything?—they all said no. How could a baby or toddler owe you anything? They’re simply needy & it’s the parents’ job to meet those needs.
At what point (age) does that change & we start to expect reciprocation from our kids? Somewhere around the late elementary/middle school ages, our kids may not always “love us back” in the way we’ve been used to or come to expect. A little sass might creep in. They have opinions and they likely don’t always mesh with our own.
That’s when we start using that word “respect” and how it’s owed to us. (how dare you speak to me like that after all I’ve done for you?)
**An interesting thing about respect is that it’s reciprocal. It’s a sign of having judgements. If you feel disrespected, how might YOU be disrespectful or be perceived as being so?
If you think your child is disrespectful or owes you respect you’re not receiving, how have you been treating/regarding them?
Let’s look at what DISRESPECT looks like & think about it in terms of parenting & marriage:
- Demanding that my needs be met
- Interrupting (have you heard your kid say “You never listen to me”?)
- Rolling eyes (huge sign of contempt; biggest predictor of divorce. Lots of parents of middle/high schoolers talk about their kids doing this, but how guilty are WE of doing the same? You’re wearing shorts?? It’s 30 degrees out! You need posterboard for tomorrow?? It’s 9 pm!)
- Wanting things done your way (when it’s not vital…difference btwn that & showing someone what you expect a well-cleaned bathroom looks like)
- Being dishonest
- Not giving requested space (could be during conflict or just in general)
- Belittling (“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. If you had any brains, you’d know….”)
- Talking negatively to others about them (even in the guise of “venting” )
- Breaking commitments (do you do what you say you’re going to do, big or small?)
- Refusing to communicate (shutting down) (“I’m not having this conversation.”)
- Sharing vulnerable things about them with others (deliberately embarrassing your child or spouse for the laugh or to make a point; posts asking for advice on a particular problem when it’s obv who you’re talking about….)
- Trying to change them (“Why can’t you be more like your brother?)
If we do the things on this list on a regular basis, the object of that behavior—who is often the one we at some point wanted to be closest to in life (our spouse, our child)—becomes the enemy in our mind/heart.
Children do need to learn what respect is and what it looks like. Parents do need to be clear (by words and example) about how people are treated in this home; how we talk to one another; tools for interrupting; how to defer to others (taking turns, being flexible about plans).
Children don’t automatically know how to regulate their emotions (frustration, disappointment, etc.), and as the parent/adult, you may need to walk them through that, especially when you’re entering the middle years.
How to have a conversation without being a know-it-all or belittling/dismissing the parent. You can tell them how that makes you feel. Ask that they try wording something differently. Walk through repairing missteps—this goes both ways.
Maybe you’ve never parented a middle schooler or high schooler before. You can let your kid in on that newsflash and ask for some grace. That shows respect for them.
Amplified version of Eph 5:33 reflects respect in this way:
It means to notice, regard, honor, prefer, venerate, and esteem; and defer to, praise, love and admire
Going back to the conversation with the young families: If you know what respect & disrespect look & feel like and you can practice respect with your spouse and children, that will inevitably become the kind of home where kids feel heard, are valued and feel safe to express themselves…that’s the kind of home where, when they start having their own kids, they want to cultivate grandparent relationships and they feel gratitude/honor instead of begrudging duty.