If you haven’t already in your parenthood journey, you will at some point be faced with some tough stuff in your kid’s life.
Some other kid is going to say something mean or they won’t get invited to someone’s party. They don’t make the theater cast or the tennis team or they’re cut from the sports roster.
All that’s hard.
One mom said that the absolute worst year of her life was 6th grade. Not her OWN 6th grade year but her daughter’s! Witnessing and living through her daughter’s pain was far worse than her own.
Can you relate?
As moms, a lot of us feel it’s our job to protect our kids from harm. That’s like the prime directive! Once they start walking and can bang their heads against any & all surfaces, can run out into traffic, or leap fearless into a backyard pool, helping them survive the day can be a challenge!
We just want them to be ok. We NEED them to be ok, in fact.
(Because what would that say about us if we didn’t “succeed” at our primary job??)
The Ways We Pray Thru It
If we’re believers, we spend a lot of time on behalf of our kids in prayer. God, protect them from harm, heal their strep throat, their mono, their torn ACL. God, be with the mean kids and soften their hearts towards my child. Please make it so my child will make the team or the grade or get the scholarship or opportunity. I can’t bear to see them disappointed or hurt. Don’t let them fail, Lord. Bless them, bless them, bless them.
In middle school, that all seems to ramp up and our time on our knees or praying out loud as we’re driving the car increases!
Guard their heart, Father. Lead them not into temptation. Please, please, please don’t let that 8th grade player break her heart. Let my son see how shallow this girl he likes is…don’t let him go down that path.
Basically: God, bubble wrap my child so he or she can be happy–and so, logically, WE can be happy.
The Way It Really Works
Now that we are almost a decade removed from the minefields of raising children under our roof, I wondered if the ways we pray for our children have changed?
How have the lessons we’ve learned about our own selves & our own lives changed the things we pray for—for our children and grandchildren (and others in general)??
Perspective: For one thing, our empty nests have given us some distance to be able to look back and see what we couldn’t maybe see when we were in the weeds of parenting.
Confidence, resilience, wisdom, and empathy have grown in us (& our children) BECAUSE of all those trying times, not in spite of them.
When my daughter broke her arm (twice), it certainly gave her appreciation for the times when she could shower all by herself and put her contact lenses in without help. It made her grateful for what her body could do when it’s strong and healthy.
When I have a cold and can’t breathe or sleep well, I rejoice when I’m well & air comes into both nostrils easily! What a gift that is! How amazing to inhale & exhale without mouth breathing!!
Disappointments have made me double down and work harder if it’s a goal I really want to reach. They have forced me to focus on what I DO have and what I CAN do. They also push me towards God and are a reminder that life doesn’t have to sit perfectly in my ideal zone for it to be a good life.
Hurt feelings: these have taught me who and how to trust. They’ve refined my definitions and expectations of “friend.” They’ve taught me the value of repair and restoration, even though those things can also be hard.
Financial stress: taught me what’s ultimately important, how to overcome, how to trust, how to be creative and how to fast from “things I totally need.” How comparison is just a big Envy Stick that beats you over the head. It’s taught me generosity and paying it forward.
Loneliness: has forced me to get out of my box and connect with others on purpose. If there’s something I’m missing or I need, chances are others need it, too, and I can start/lead something that feeds not just me but a whole group of people. This is the motivation for starting most all of the small groups we’ve hosted, our book group we had for years, and several ongoing playdates when the kids were little.
Rejection & Failure: My worth doesn’t come from who approves of me or how productive or successful I am. Lessons learned from these two can teach humility, how to handle feedback, how to course correct and dust yourself off to try again. It also –as all of these do—can teach us to manage others better and kinder.
Back to Prayer
Look at the contrast between what we’ve talked about. The things we have gained and learned from the hardest and most painful moments in life and the things we tend to pray for where our children are concerned.
The amazing successes and trophies and popularity tend to teach us far less and mold our characters far less than those painful and difficult periods.
So, why as parents do we pray that our children miss those moments?? AND….(get curious) why do we tend to be so rattled and gutted when things don’t go our kids’ way?
It REALLY helps to be aware: Parenting a middle schooler (in particular) & high schooler brings up our own issues. Their experiences will trigger your experiences. Sometimes, unpleasant memories pop up. So a mom may be overly invested in her daughter’s social life. Or a dad might push and push for his son to be a stellar athlete. You remember (or re-experience) pain that you thought was long in the past…and you may be doing this subconsciously.
When we do this, we are parenting out of our woundedness and fear, not out of wisdom. Here’s your head’s up that this is happening or going to happen. Brace yourself and be prepared to get curious here! Better to deal with your baggage than force your 7th grader to carry it along with their already heavy load. You’re the adult.
Change How You Pray for Your Child(ren)
Do you trust God with your children? That’s a real question…. (image of knights holding their swords out of the water as they’re baptized). Do you act like it?
No parent really wants their kid to stay immature. Your job is to protect them but your OTHER job is to release them to their life’s task & potential. Our kids fail to launch when they sense that their parents fear for them. When we parent out of fear/anxiety, we send the message that there’s probably something they SHOULD be afraid of and that they probably can’t handle it or don’t have what it takes to overcome it.
Instead:
Expect disappointment. That sounds very morose or pessimistic, but it actually creates resilience. If you expect it, then suffering isn’t such a surprise and you can condition yourself to even laugh when things go wrong.
[Person who loses his mind when he gets a flat tire in the rain vs. person who shows up at work wet and dirty and laughing about the whole fiasco.] How you handle simple adversities that life throws at you is actually one litmus test when dating someone….
You can change this thru practice… from a fight/flight response to a pause/plan response.
Prayer is now changed to:
Father, give them resilience and creativity to meet this difficulty. Put people in her life that will support her through this, people who love you and will point to you. God, show me how to show up here, what words to say or what comfort to bring so he knows he’s capable. May this failure or rejection change and humble him in a way that others can see, in a way that brings honor to you. May this setback or these hurt feelings create a kinder more empathetic heart in my child. Help them to recognize this same hurt in others and support others in a way that only this situation made possible.
There’s an awesome song by Andy Grammer called “I Wish You Pain.” The lyrics kind of kick you in the gut–here’s a couple verses:
I hope your doubts come like monsters and terrorize your dreams
I hope you feel the lonely hopelessness
‘Cause no one else believes
I hope you question whether you
Ever really had a chance at all
I hope your fear is thick like poison that gets into your blood
I hope you push until you cannot breathe
And it’s still not enough
I hope you put your life out on the line
And everybody watches while you fall
‘Cause I love you more than you could know
And your heart, it grows every time it breaks
I know that it might sound strange
But I wish you pain
Another song that talks about praying the hard stuff for others is by “Pray” by Kendall Payne.
If you’re facing more serious issues as a parent, issues of addiction, life choices that have been made, estrangement, etc…. an even more jarring idea might be to pray for God to do “whatever it takes” for your child.
This requires entire submission on your part. Laying down that sword you kept out of the water thinking that you know your child best or you know what’s best for your child. It’s an open invitation for God to take HIS child from you and bring consequences into his/her life that may be quite unpleasant for everyone involved—but that are meant for that child’s good. It’s a prayer of “not my will, but yours.”
That’s a really painful prayer for a parent to speak, and it’s usually a pretty desperate one. It can definitely affect a change in YOU, the parent, as you give your child’s pain over to Him and as you surrender your preferred outcome.
Even if you haven’t faced that sort of situation with your kids—& praise God if you haven’t—it’s a good heart exercise to ask yourself if you’d be willing to pray that. If you’re willing to put Isaac on that altar and if not—what that may be revealing about your heart.
Instead of railing against your child’s friends whom you don’t like or who you know are leading them/influencing them to be less than their best selves, consider expanding your intercessory prayer to include them, to open the eyes of the blind, as Paul mentions in 2 Cor 4.
Praying by the Power of the Spirit Neil Anderson