What We Wish We’d Known After Baby Arrived
The months of waiting are over. You’ve weathered the morning sickness, backaches, reflux, swollen ankles, and mastered the “waddle” gait of pregnancy.
The nurses tell you to pull the car around and make sure that car seat is installed correctly because it’s time to take the new baby home. It’s mind-boggling that they’ll just hand the baby over like that, giving you full responsibility for this fresh new human, letting you walk out with nary an owner’s manual or operating instructions in sight. We surveyed a group of moms who’d brought home newborns within the last year and these are the things they reported they wish they’d known.
Physical
It could be awhile before you feel like yourself again. Maybe months. Maybe a year. After giving birth, that pre-pregnancy tummy that took 9 months to stretch to incredible proportions won’t snap back into place right away. Give yourself lots of time & grace. Bring forgiving pants to wear home from the hospital. Don’t put away your maternity pants just yet. While breastfeeding does help pregnancy weight come off faster, it’s still going to take a while, and trying to fit into your cute button-up jeans will only frustrate you. Lots of women end up with a softer, floppier tummy, and how it firms up in the months after birth varies, depending on your genetics, posture, and how much the skin and tissues stretched when you were pregnant. Talk nicely to yourself. Your body is a rock star and its scars are badges of honor.
If you breastfeed, your nipples may be sore! They’re not used to a ravenous creature clamping down every couple of hours. It’s like walking around barefoot: eventually your feet toughen up, but at first it’s ouchy to walk across gravel. There are lots of resources to help with nursing! A local doula or the La Leche League can offer support. There are baby-safe products on the market to help salve your tender skin, like Lansinoh or other lanolin-based creams.
Just after birth, some of your hormones will drop from the highest they’ve ever been to the lowest, according to Ann Dunnewold, a Dallas psychologist and co-author of Life Will Never Be the Same. Your estrogen and progesterone levels drop dramatically, which can contribute to the baby blues (mood swings, irritability, anxiety or sadness, which resolve within a week or so of birth. Post-partum depression (similar symptoms that are more intense, last longer, and interfere with daily life) is a separate issue that you should DEFINITELY talk to someone about. Feelings of hurting yourself or the baby need attention and can usually be helped fairly quickly.
Oxytocin, the “bonding hormone” floods your system right after delivery. “It turns on mothering behavior, and one aspect of that is being able to see danger in your child’s world,” says Dunnewold. “So when oxytocin rises, so can anxiety.” For milder mood issues, it can be helpful to realize and accept, “Hey, my hormones are giving me a run for my money here,” and be patient. Don’t automatically assume you’re doing something wrong.
Those changing hormone levels can affect your facial skin, causing dry patches, acne or pigmentation. It’s normal to lose up to a third of your hair, starting when your baby is around three months old. High hormone levels during pregnancy cause you to grow more hair, and when they drop again, so do your lustrous locks.
Emotional/Spiritual
Tell yourself you’re doing a great job! You’re learning how to communicate with your infant. You’re learning how to respond and care for the baby. Your body has just been through the wringer and you’re a hero! It’s a short season.
The baby is a welcome addition to your family, not the center of the universe. Although this new being may be the most amazing thing you’ve ever done, you don’t need to reorient EVERYTHING around them. You can still go places, talk to friends, and connect with your spouse. You don’t need to entertain your baby every moment he/she’s awake!
You need to take some time away from the baby (even just an hour) to do something you enjoy. Sit outside in the sun. Take a walk or a nap. Get a haircut.
It’s totally normal to feel conflicting emotions all at the same time. You can adore your child AND grieve your life before baby.
God will work through you to help you grow and mature. You don’t have to be up to every challenge on day 1.
Marital Relationship
Make a point, even when you’re exhausted to participate in date nights. Maybe during your last week of pregnancy, plan some fun nights on the calendar so you won’t need to plan once baby arrives. Your husband is experiencing a whirlwind of life change, too, and may be processing it totally differently from you. You need time to reconnect to support and encourage each other.
Your husband may not (probably won’t) bond with the baby right away. Especially if you’re nursing, there isn’t a lot husbands can do to help out in that department. They CAN pick up dinner some nights, change diapers, burp the baby, do household chores, etc. All this is part of PARENTING, by the way, and not “helping you out” or “babysitting.” A father is an active and equal parent and not just a stand-in when you’re not available.
Be explicit with what you need from your spouse. Many times they don’t “see” what needs to be done or know how to help but would be happy to.
Your husband may be grieving or even angry/resentful about the new normal at home. Acknowledge that and give him grace.
When is it ok to have sex again? You will have follow-up appointments with your OB to check how you’re healing from episiotomy or other effects from the birth. You may bleed for up to 6 weeks after birth and will definitely be tender and sore, whether you’ve had a vaginal or C-section birth. You’ll come home with an inflatable donut to sit on and may need sitz baths to keep stitches clean & medicated. On top of that, you’ll likely be touching, feeding, holding, and rocking a child most hours of the day, so your physical touch cup may already runneth over. Usually after 4-6wks, you’re cleared for takeoff, but go slow. It may take some time to get back to comfortable norms in the bedroom, but don’t put it off. It’s not good for either of you and will only lead to tension and disconnection–not what new parents need!
The Baby
If your baby is fussy, it won’t be forever. Crying is one of the only ways a new baby can communicate, and this is how they communicate everything! Crying jags of an hour or more can very well be a way of relieving stress (theirs, not yours). You will eventually be able to distinguish between anguished high-pitched painful cries (like a colicky tummy) versus blowing off steam. If episodes like this drive you mad, enlist the help of a friend or relative to come over and help out.
You may question how much milk your baby is getting, especially if you’re nursing. If you’re anxious about this, track when & for how long you feed (15 min on left side, 10 min on right) and track the number of wet & dirty diapers throughout a day. This will give you a reliable log of what goes in and what comes out, and it gives you something concrete to show the pediatrician at their next weight check-up.
If you have a question, call someone: mom, sister, friend, or if you’re concerned, the pediatrician. You don’t have to do this all alone. We are meant for community!
Schedules are good (see our episode on routines), but you will likely need to go with the flow at first, as you both figure out rhythms and get to know one another.
Trust your instincts, even if you think you don’t have that many!
