A recent email from a listener got our wheels turning.  Her question had to do with adult child/parent relationships, which can be tricky if your own parents aren’t on board with your own ideas for raising your children. 

The listener wrote that she’s been struggling with feeling like her dad doesn’t respect her as a parent, especially when he dismisses even small things she does in front of her children. She says, “He gives an air of me being so ridiculous for the boundary I’ve set in my family through his tone & body language. My children think he hung the moon & I worry about the impression they get when he does this. I often feel like the villain after spending a couple hours with him & my children together.” 

Feeling this way is really common, and unfortunately it makes spending time with your kids’ grandparents prickly. No one wants to feel undermined or disrespected.  The same can be true with siblings/cousins, too, by the way.  The oldest sister rolls her eyes at the things the youngest sister allows her children to get away with, for example. 

What’s the Thing Behind the Thing?

Yes, listener. In an ideal world, it would be nice if your parents—who are supposed to be older & wiser than you—would be self aware and mature enough to know that it really isn’t necessary or welcome to make their every opinion known. 

From the POV of a parent of adult children (& grandchildren), we know IT IS VERY HARD, sometimes an extreme exercise in self control, to ZIP IT and NOT SAY what you’re thinking/feeling to your adult children. As a general rule, if they haven’t asked for advice or opinion, we try not to give it.  W.A.I.T. (why am I talking?)  

And sometimes, yes, our faces speak even if our mouths are silent.  We are working on that.  

Letting Go

The REASON it’s so hard may not be because your parents think they “know it all” or “know better.”  Even when your children grow up, become magnificent adult people and prove they’re capable citizens in the world, you as a parent may still be in the process of relaxing your grip little by little.  Depending on how long you’ve been out on your own or how long you’ve had children of your own, I guarantee your parents in some ways will look at you and see their own small daughter or son and remember the way they raised you a lifetime ago.  

It takes time—often years—to slowly hammer it home that your grown kid has this, and if they don’t, they can figure it out.  Often—(gasp) without your help.  

So, first, it’s a weird way of your parents saying (but not saying out loud) that they’re still struggling with your total launch from their nest. 

It Stings 

Second, when you and your spouse choose to do something different from your family of origin, it can communicate (but not say out loud) that you in some way disagreed with or disliked the way they did it.   Ouch.  Nobody likes to be told they did it wrong, especially something as important and loaded as raising their kids. 

Maybe it’s true!  Maybe there WERE things you disliked or disagreed with.  And if it is, that’s pretty normal.  I seriously doubt YOUR parents did everything identical to the way THEIRS did either.  

But it also might NOT be true. Maybe you think the way you were raised is fine, but now you’ve added another person—your spouse—who didn’t also grow up in your house and have your childhood.  It may be that you each have “left father and mother and cleaved to one another,” making a NEW FAMILY with new family members/histories/traditions/values.  In a healthy new family, you’re taking this into account and becoming one with each other and it is likely going to look different from where either of you came from.  That’s ok and good and the way it should be.  

If your parents thought about that for a minute, they’d likely realize that the alternative wouldn’t be so great.  Yeah, new husband, your experiences and family and history don’t actually matter at all and we’re just going to do everything MY way and the way my family has done it.   That’s not actually a relationship made of negotiating and communicating and blending of two lives.  If your parents are FOR YOU having a healthy marriage, they will step back.  

Either way, you doing things a little differently probably makes them feel like you’re saying how they raised you was somehow faulty. That stings a little.   If they DO feel this, the negative way they react to your “new fangled ideas” may be a defense mechanism. 

I don’t know, listener, if you’re familiar with “mom guilt,” but I’m guessing if you’re a mom, you totally are.  Chances are, your mom has that, too, and has second-guessed and chastised herself countless times over all of her would’ve, could’ve, should’ves as a parent…because we all have.  When she sees you doing something different and takes that as a personal indictment, she’s probably tapping into her well of mom guilt…but that’s an issue SHE needs to work on instead of spraying it all over you.  

New Information

When you know better, you do better.  You only have to go back 50-60 yrs (2 generations) to find cigarette ads for pregnant mothers, or ads with babies in them.  The original car seats used to be basically a metal chair with flimsy straps and no support. Once formula became popular, nursing was discouraged in favor of the “more nutritious” formula.  

Now we know all of these things are ridiculous at best, and dangerous at worst!  A baby with glasses and cigarettes

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Maybe we spoon-fed our children from prepared jars of food and our own children are gung-ho about baby-led weaning and eating/gnawing pretty much whatever mom eats.  Maybe our kids loved the jumpy seats that we hung from doorframes, but now the new info from OTs says that doesn’t sufficiently support their feet/hips and you need to be careful about that….

It’s true that there’s more information than ever about products, development, and what to do and not do.  In many senses, our kids DO know more about such things than we might. 

It’s also true that even tho we didn’t have an App to trace each week of our pregnancies or preferred to teach sleep skills, we DID manage to raise some pretty great kids without constant trips to the ER.  

Both can be true…we do have a perspective that comes from a wide-angle lens while you’re raising your kids with a drawn-up laser focus because you’re responsible for everything. So when your dad comments, “she’s fine” what he MAY be saying is that he’s realized you don’t need to stress/worry about so much…because (he knows) in the long run, you’re doing great and she’ll be great.  

That may just be a stance that comes from having done it and no longer being the parent responsible for it all.  I’m not sure that saying that ever really makes a parent in the thick of things actually relax and stress less.  ???  

First Things First

The relationship is important.  Grandparents and other extended family actually do add significantly to a child’s sense of self in the world.  These are the people they come from, those who hold your own stories from childhood. You share medical history, blessings & curses… it’s good to know these people. They can add things to your child’s life that you as their parent can’t….good things in most cases.  

Yes, in some extreme cases, it may be unhealthy for you to spend copious amounts of time with them, especially if they stir things up for you emotionally to a degree that you feel like you need days of recovery after.  But ALL families stir things up for people emotionally to some extent. 

Using popularized psychological terms to label everyone you know as “toxic” or “narcissist” or “bi-polar” or “BPD” can be a cop-out to working on your own stuff sometimes.   It’s easier to write everyone else off & limit contact than to work thru some conflict, have hard conversations, learn how to set and hold boundaries, and face the world as an emotionally regulated adult yourself.  

The trend—and it is a trend—of estrangement or family members cutting people off is alarming, unhelpful (except in abusive situations), and the cause of extreme and unnecessary anguish and grief.    

Give Grace

Think thru what we’ve said so far.  Is there a chance your parents (dad) might be feeling (but not saying) any of that?  

Pretty much ALL parents need appreciation and encouragement—whether they’re new parents with their first kid or empty nesters figuring out the next stage.

It’s possible that while you’re registering your dad’s comments and body language, he’s registering yours…which may be showing exasperation, frustration, impatience, dismissal as well.  And…the cycle continues….until someone stops and shows some grace and reminds the other how proud and appreciative they are.  

You will never be able to change another person.  That’s up to them.  But you can control your reaction to them and your experience with them. 

Update your Maps 

Earlier we gave an example of the older sister rolling her eyes at what her younger sister allows her children to do.  

It’s so easy to be rolling along just fine in your lane and then when you get together with your family, s-l-i-d-e back into the role you had when you were growing up.  Bossy oldest sibling knows better and sets the rules, while youngest “gets away with everything” and can’t keep it together.  So oldest is still operating behind the “big sister” lens instead of the “adult peer” lens. 

Your parents and you may also do this subconsciously.  If they were accustomed to setting all the rules and driving the bus, and you were used to falling in line as their kid, now that you’re an adult – with kids of your own— it doesn’t work as well and feels uncomfortable.

Everyone needs to update their maps!  While you still respect and appreciate them, your parents don’t get the same sort of say in your life now that you’re under your own roof, paying your own bills, raising your own family. You don’t have to do things just as they would.  You’re free to run your family and life the exact opposite of your oldest sibling if you want.  You’re not the “child” or “little sister” in the same sense as you once were.  

Have the Conversation

It may be that the only way you’re going to clear the air about any of this is to have the conversation.  

Hard conversations (or potentially hard…you don’t know how this might go) are best when there’s a head’s up.  So ask if there’s a good time (sans kids) that you can talk about something that’s important to you.  

Sandwich Method: Good news-Bad news-Good news

Good news: Start with the grace part.  Say how important it is for your kids to be with and know your parents.Remind your parents how much you love and respect them. How much you appreciate all their sacrifice in raising you – which you see all the more now that you’re doing it yourself!  

You know how much they love their grandkids.  Your kids love them right back.  You’re so glad they have this relationship and you want it to be a good one. 

Bad news: You can then introduce your issue…which might be hard for you to say and hard for them to hear…and you might even say that first.  Tell them that you’ve been feeling disrespected/dismissed when ____________.   You’re concerned that this might undermine you in front of your children, and surely they see that’s not good for them in the long run.  

If they (he) could find it within himself to not display his opinion, it would be an encouragement to you and it would make visits much less stressful/uncomfortable.  You and your spouse have talked about it and are together on this. (united front)  There may come a time when you want his opinion/advice, and you’d love to come to him for it, but unless you do, it’s not helpful for him to offer it.  

Good news: They raised great kids (you’re one of them!), and you’d like to be allowed to raise yours, too…  just because you do something that wouldn’t be their choice doesn’t make it wrong and it only causes you to feel bad. 

You could even apologize for your part if you feel that’s warranted, knowing there might be “a thing behind the thing.”  I’m sorry if I haven’t told you enough how much I appreciate and respect you, and I’m sorry if something I’ve done or said has made you feel disrespected or old-fashioned.  

I’d really like to have that same respect and appreciation, too.  

Conclusion

I was introduced to the concept of Christian grandparenting while doing a fellowship at the Colson Center for Christian Worldview. There is a terrific ministry called the Legacy Coalition whose mission is to help grandparents recognize the essential role they play in the faith development of their grandchildren, to see grandparenting as a calling to help raise the next generation to champion the faith in this time and in this place.

Each year the Legacy Coalition hosts a Grandparenting Summit. Maybe check out that as a family!

If we look at the Bible as a whole and say, “okay, how does the Bible as a whole address this concept?” We’ll find that there is no single Bible verse that says, “parents respect your children.”

However, there are clear biblical principles that we can apply to understanding how parents view and treat their grown kids. So some very clear biblical principles that are given throughout Scripture is the fact that all humans are image bearers of God. The first chapter of the Bible, Genesis 1 specifically verses 27, 26, 27 and 28, make this clear that humans are God’s image bearers.

And there is more…

Christian grandparents have a unique opportunity to impact the spiritual lives of their grandchildren.

Deuteronomy 4:9 says, “Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. Make them known to your children and your children’s children.”

Psalm 78:5-7 says, “He decreed statutes for Jacob and established the law in Israel, which he commanded our ancestors to teach their children, so the next generation would know them, even the children yet to be born, and they in turn would tell their children. Then they would put their trust in God and would not forget his deeds but would keep his commands.”

Our job isn’t over once we have raised our children. As these passages instruct, the responsibility of spiritual influence to the next generation continues.

Our prayer is that all of our listeners have parents who will embrace God’s vision for grandparenting and help (not hinder) our children in their role as parents.