If you’re a parent, you’ve been there. The days where you wonder if anything you do matters. REALLY matters. The moments where your heart feels like it’s on the floor with boot prints all over it from the latest round with your teenager or young adult. Oh, the words we wish we could un-say, the times when the overwhelm got too much, and the lists we could ALL make of the mess-ups, the mistakes, the coulda-woulda-shoulda’s.
We have a special guest with us on today’s episode who totally gets it and isn’t afraid or embarrassed to talk about the messy, unflattering stuff of being a mom.
RACHEL MARTIN, Welcome!
Rachel also hails from middle Tennessee; she lives in our capital city of Nashville. Can you tell us a bit about yourself? (7 children including bonus children. Writer, blogger, founding partner in Audience Industries, founder of Finding Joy).
And you also have a new book that’s just been released! MOM ENOUGH, Inspiring Letters for the Wonderfully Exhausting but Totally Normal Days of Motherhood… It’s a book of letters. Letters to Moms. There are 52 of them, coincidentally, one to start each week. And they deal with different phases and stages of parenthood.
What made you start writing letters to moms?
The number 1 thing moms need is encouragement. Not the latest gadgets, not a 10-days to a new you fitness routine. It’s a crucial job—one that our future depends upon—yet it’s unpaid with no performance reviews and very little appreciation. Comparison & those little voices inside our heads work against us. Encouragement is so easy to give and so needed! (The dad outside the coffee shop with his little boy in upstate NY; the table of moms with a separate table of kiddos at lunch…)
The very first podcast episode we ever did (back in Jan 2021) was about when everything is not ok….partly because I think we sensed this truth that moms needed encouragement.
Here’s an excerpt from the book: My kids don’t have a perfect mom. They have me. Imperfect. But I try, boy, do I try. Sometimes it feels too small, not enough, like I’m letting them down. Sometimes I have no clue what to do but I will still show up, stand there and cheer them on. Loudly. Maybe I’m not perfect, maybe they don’t get everything, maybe life has good and bad days and a whole bunch of normal. But that’s okay. I taught them to be real. To show up. That it is good to proudly support those you love. That family is about being together. And that the best gift of all is, in fact, love. Perfection is overrated.
Renee and I don’t know ANYTHING about perfectionism or performance. A lot of your essays deal with that topic. Can you say why?
How to stop measuring up & seeing the messy sink as normal….
When you can’t be a supermom….accepting that the little things are enough.
Do you think any stage of motherhood is harder than others?
They all have their particular brand of hard. Seasons that are more “coasty” than others, but everything depends on the kid and their temperament, whether there’s other circumstances involved (family dynamics, special needs, health issues).
There’s plenty of days in the early stages of motherhood where you’re kind of on a wash-rinse-repeat cycle of diapers, feedings, tummy time, naps. It can be common to feel like being in a rut. What would you say to moms in those trenches?
Perspective: Are you having a bad day or did you have a difficult 15 minutes this morning and you’re milking it all day? You’re coloring your WHOLE day with that crayon? (storm-cloud gray)
You say “Sometimes you have to let go of the picture of what you thought life would be like and learn to find joy in the story you are actually living.” Where did that thought come from in your own life? How do you think it relates to motherhood?
Excerpt from the book: You didn’t choose Celiac Disease for Samuel. You wanted him to be able to eat the Christmas cookies with the wheat flour. To be what you used to think was normal. Sometimes you mourn, and that’s OK. But I’ve seen you fight as well. There’s a tension in life, a balance, and living in that place can bring joy. Don’t hide. Crying and mourning aren’t signs of weakness. They are clues that a mother is a fighter, an advocate, a real mom with real emotions who loves her child fiercely. Don’t hide from them. Embrace them, use them. Samuel is worth those fighting tears.
As we all do, you’ve got some lessons learned in your life. Can you give us a handful of lessons you picked up as a mom of teens and twentysomethings?
What would you tell your new mom self?
What is mom guilt and where do you think it comes from? Is there dad guilt? Sibling guilt? Grandparent guilt? Why do you think “mom guilt” is the popular coined phrase? How do we deal with it?
From MOM ENOUGH: Just don’t sit in it. I’m telling you: pick up where you left off and start again. That’s the thing about guilt—when it’s allowed to fester and brew, it is simply difficult to start again. Release it. Let it go. Those are also words of mine this year. Let it go—learn from those thoughts about what you wish you had done, but instead of letting them define you today, use them as motivation to do the things you wish you had done.
**REPAIR WHEN NECESSARY!! Talk about forgiveness & model how to offer it and ask for it. Then, remember how to forgive YOURSELF as well. That’s often the toughest audience.
What is the “good mom” secret? How can we practice it?
What are your “8 things fearless moms do?”