A lot of us may not rub elbows with military personnel since (I checked) in 2020 those actively serving in the 5 branches of the military was 0.7%. Add to that about 7% of our population who are veterans. That means that a relatively select portion of our citizens get what it means to serve & defend the majority of us.
This week’s episode coincides with Veteran’s Day here in the US, so we have as our guests a couple of moms who are familiar with the military in different ways.
Toni Laubacher—whose husband, Matt, served in the USAF for 21 yrs (enlisted for 11, officer for 10). Toni & Matt have 3 girls, who are now in their 20’s. Matt retired in 2010 as a Major. Toni’s our military SPOUSE, but (as you’ll see) she had as much “active duty” as her husband did.
Karen Rizzuti—My SISTER, who served in the USAF for 32 yrs (9 yrs active duty & 23 in the Reserve) in space operations/cyber operations/nuclear operations/intelligence & a leadership role that touched on just about every USAF mission. She retired in 2018 as a 2-star general. Karen & her husband, Tim, have 2 adult children, and Karen has an older daughter from her first marriage to another active duty military member.
Have to insert here (as we’ve mentioned before) that Bonnie grew up in a military family, too. My father (& Karen’s) was a Lt Col in the USAF. We, like Toni & Karen’s children, are military brats.
Why are military kids called brats?
It goes back to the British military before the American Revolution. When wives and children were granted permission to accompany their British military service member to an assignment, they were referred to as a British Regiment Attached Traveler, or BRAT. Over the years, the term evolved to describe American military children. Fun Fact: Many modern day military brats will tell you that B.R.A.T. stands for Born Resilient And Tough.
The military brat motto is “Children of the world, blown to all corners of the world, we bloom anywhere!” And that’s why the official flower of the military child is the dandelion.
Let’s start with Toni. Your inauguration into military life. What was your initial experience? When you got married, you guys were immediately relocated. (where? Did you live in base housing? What’s that like? Young, overseas, far from family & familiar ground.)
Karen: how/why did you get into the service? Back in 1986, was that a thing a lot of women were doing?
Something people probably think of when they think of being in the military is being deployed. That’s what they’re for: a defense force. But what a lot of people may not know is that there are a lot of other reasons military personnel can be absent.
What are some of the reasons you, Karen, or Matt (Toni) may have had to leave home? How long of a period might that be?
(Tour of Duty, school, training, duties as senior officer….).
[Dad TDY when I was 5…]
HEAD ‘EM UP & MOVE ‘EM OUT
Another thing military families might be known for is relocating a lot. In our family, we packed up and moved around… FL, Texas, Virginia, South Carolina, Japan, FL again. On and off base housing—which is a whole thing in itself–once in Quonset huts in Japan. A military family moves an average of 10 times. Those moves aren’t always synched with the timing of when a school year might be beginning or ending, so it can be pretty disruptive when kids are involved. Military kids typically are transitioning in and out of different school systems.
(80% of military kids go to public schools, they’re not confined to DOD bases… on overseas assignments, they might also go to int’l schools where they can learn in English)
[This, by the way, makes those computer security questions really tricky. Street you grew up on? Well….there were 10 of them. Elementary school? I had 3. ]
Toni—I know you moved around quite a bit. As a mom, having to manage 3 young kids and pack up all your stuff and hit the road regularly, what was that like? Did you have to pep talk your kids into it?
Karen—your situation was pretty unique in that respect. (Entire time was spent in CO.)
(I talked to Toni’s oldest daughter about her experience b/c of the 3 of her girls, her memories are the most solid.) From a kids’ perspective, especially when they’re younger, as long as mom & dad are good, it’s just a “thing we do.” She, like many military brats, said that she thought it made her make friends easier—you’re repeatedly put in situations where you have to go into new/different social situations. They tend to be pretty adaptive.
But think about it from a parent’s POV: all the paperwork you have to do each time the school year starts….multiply that by the number of kids you have and the number of times you’re moving. Finding new doctors, dentists, etc., every couple of years. For spouses holding down the dog & pony show, it’s a lot of extra juggling/management.
Military kids are famously worldly. They’re exposed to lots of places, cultures, people and situations. They may also have closer sibling relationships because of having to move so often—they keep that as a core social pod.
DEPLOYMENTS/ABSENCES
Karen, how did you balance being a mom of 3 with the demands of your position? Did you/your husband stay at home with them when they were little? Were they in daycare? What happened when you had to go out of town for extended periods? (neither you nor Tim had family in town or nearby to help out.)
Effectively, pretty regularly, your husband had to operate as a single parent. What was that dynamic like?
Toni—in your case, Matt was deployed several times, going to places he couldn’t tell you about. You were seeing him off at the airport knowing he would possibly be in some bad situations.
I remember meeting you when you first moved here, when your oldest daughter (my daughter’s best friend) was in 7th grade. At the time, Matt was deployed to Afghanistan. You have a story about that one in particular. How did that go? (starting job at SK, lice, few other military families around….)
From Sam’s perspective: by 7th grade, she knew the concept of war, and although her dad’s position wasn’t on the front line, she knew it wasn’t the best. This was before FaceTime, so they’d talk when they could, but he’d never say where he was or what he was doing. He’d send emails when he could or “american flag cards” like stationery they were given. She remembers being sad & scared. But she said you were SO on top of everything that they hardly noticed the upheaval it must have been for you.
She said one thing she appreciated was when people gave her space. People want you to be PROUD of your parent (which you ARE) but you’re not always needing others to be focused on it & constantly reminding you of it when you are also feeling a bunch of other stuff.
Karen: can you say what your kids’ thoughts were on your job? What were some of the hardships they might’ve faced? (missed occasions?)
So you or your spouse is having to be a single parent (which a lot of families face), but you have the ADDED stress of maybe not knowing where your spouse is, imagining what they might be facing, and knowing that once they’re back, you’re not going to know when the next time might be.
We’ve all seen the popular military homecoming videos, which 100% of the time leave me a blubbering mess. Of course, it’s the BEST when mom or dad comes home after their service!
I know in most relationships, when your husband’s (say) been gone for a conference or a long trip, etc., there’s always a re-transitioning period when he comes home. That was true for us: I’ve gotten the house where I want it, kids in a certain routine, and he comes in like he LIVES there or something and makes himself at home (tongue in cheek)…. That’s just an infrequent week at a conference, never mind an overseas deployment for months.
Did either of you find that to be true?
[Sam says for the kids there was adjustment as well. When they were little, they sometimes didn’t even KNOW him, and when they were older, they’d gotten used to being loud and he’d be more irritable for awhile (adjusting himself). He’d come home and all of a sudden the daughter he’d left was interested in boys… He left a bunch of GIs and came home to a house full of 4 women…]
Support from Other Military Families—what sort of a role did this play in your ability to handle the time/stress demands?
It’s “easy” or natural for other military spouses/families to “get it” and know what’s needed, but what would you tell civilians that they could do to support families who have a deployment or absence?
MARRIAGE
Divorce rate of military members is twice the national average. Your chances of having your marriage end in divorce are even higher if you are a female member of the military.
There are many contributing factors, but we’ve touched on some… frequent absences, mental health issues from deployments/PTSD, etc. We ask a lot of our military families. Is this something you’ve seen in your career, Karen?
What are some things you both did to not be a statistic here?
This could hold true for other, similar professions like law enforcement, fire fighters, or those that require extended absences (pilots, medical staff, e.g.,).
(renegotiating roles at home, recommitting—should you stay in for that promotion or get out?, revisiting your “why”)
FINAL THOUGHTS
Knowing what you know, would you encourage younger people to consider the military as a career move?