We’re entering wedding season (I think I have 3 invitations on our calendar as we speak), and we thought it might be fun to do an episode about children & weddings. Having children AT your wedding, having children IN your wedding, or being the parent of a child in a wedding party or on a guest list.
Especially since—Renee—you just attended a wedding a couple of weeks ago where your granddaughter (who’s 2!) was a flower girl.
We’ve each experienced the kids at weddings situation in a variety of ways. We were both IN weddings as kids ourselves. All of our own kids have been in weddings in different capacities, and they’ve of course been guests at weddings as well. Since our grown kids are married, we can also throw our hats in the ring about having children in the wedding party & how that went.
Should You Have Kids in Your Wedding Party?
Some people get really touchy about this subject, but I think it’s entirely up to the couple getting married.
There’s no obligation that you have to have a ring bearer or flower girl, and a lot of families (since young adults are getting married at later ages these days) don’t have younger family members to choose from. My philosophy is “when in doubt, leave it out.”… If you’re wavering and it’s causing you stress or if you’re feeling pressured to have kids in the wedding party, don’t.
The old adage in Hollywood is –unless you absolutely have to—never work with children or animals. If you must, you have to come to grips with the fact that it’s inviting unpredictability and chaos. If you’re a flex, “whatever, man” kind of bride/groom, then by all means!
We’ve all been to weddings where the ring bearer or flower girl are ADORABLE and do a great job—and they’re so cute in the pictures. But they can sometimes steal the show! If you want to be saying your vows in a serious and quiet way, your fidgety toddler ring bearer might not stick to that script.
Did we have kids in our own weddings?? How did that go?
Bonnie: I included my nieces and nephew. Two of those were older and were great junior attendants. One niece was 3 and we had an afternoon wedding outside—right during nap time (but what did I know about that then??). She made it down the aisle with her flower basket but then had enough & started screaming during the vows. My sister still talks about it 30+ yrs later bc she (the parent) was mortified. Honestly it wasn’t that big a deal to us—we hardly noticed, but when we go back & watch the old VHS video….you can hear that echoey scream!
Renee?
How about when we were kids? Were you ever a flower girl or jr attendant?
I was in my sister’s friend’s wedding as a flower girl when I was barely 6. I used to collect those Madame Alexander dolls & I would get one for bdays & xmas, so this was around my bday and that year it was the bride doll—which I remember being thrilled with. On the downside, I asked my sister’s friend, THE BRIDE, why she was so fat. It was one of my first remembered lessons in why we don’t say out loud every thought that flies through your head.
Renee?
Our kids were both in weddings when they were younger, too. .. My daughter was an attendant for the guest book at one and the flower girl at another. Ben was a ring bearer when he was really little—maybe 3. He was just talking the other day about how that couple put the ACTUAL RING on his little pillow and he had to stand there (outside) by them until they were ready for it. It wasn’t tied on by a ribbon or anything. He must have dropped it four times.
Renee?
If you’re getting married & are thinking of having children in the wedding, just think about time of day, age, and what roles might be an option. They could be ushers, hand out programs, hand out exit goodies (like bubbles or birdseed), manage a guest book. They can hold the bride’s train as she walks down the aisle. You could have an older child pull a too-young one in a wagon.
So what’s the etiquette about kids coming to a wedding—if they’re not in the wedding party?
If you’re a new parent or if it’s been awhile since you got married, here’s the low down.
Look at your invitation. If there’s no mention of your kids on the invite, assume they’re not invited. That’s the nicest way the couple can convey it.
Weddings are SO EXPENSIVE, and a lot of times it’s a big stretch to pay for everything. Each add’l person at the reception costs $ (esp if there’s a meal), and although there may be reduced costs for children’s meals, it’s hard to swallow paying way too much for a child who’s likely not going to eat that much (if at all).
If your child’s name isn’t on the invite specifically, don’t call the couple/family and ask if you can bring your kids. Would you call and ask if you could bring your neighbor? Your college roommate? Wedding invitations in particular will spell out if anyone extra is allowed (with a +1 allowance), and typically that extra isn’t expected to be your 4 yr old.
Why would they be so mean as to exclude your kids? It’s possible it’s an evening wedding (bar-type setting) where kids typically wouldn’t be allowed/expected anyway. Weddings are boring for kids. They have to sit quietly and still in scratchy dress-up clothes while people they don’t know all that well say a bunch of boring stuff for wayyy too long.
Are you willing to miss the nuptials when your baby or toddler starts whining or squirming? Because courtesy demands you leave the ceremony at that point to ensure others can enjoy it.
Are you expecting a leisurely dinner at the reception while chatting with friends and family? Who’s going to be watching your children then? Wouldn’t you have a better more relaxing time if you thought of the event as a date?
If there are just a few children from different families, that might work ok. But the more kids you have, the more their behavior changes. Think about potentially having 20 kids there—is it a wedding or a playdate?
As for the couple getting married:
It’s nice to include your decision on your wedding website and save-the-dates so people with kids have time to arrange a sitter, esp if they’ll have to travel.
You can specify age groups. If you’d prefer not to host children under 12, say so.
Don’t exclude some but not others; don’t call out anyone in particular…. You can’t say, “Laura, your kids will be too whiny.”
Even if you’re specific, you may still get pushback… Many people (a.ka parents) consider the “adults only” rule to be selfish and may feel insulted. You can be sensitive but firm. If someone’s presence means a lot to you, maybe you can find it in the budget to hire a sitter to watch their kids during the wedding??
If you want kids in your wedding but not at the reception, you’ll have to address that too. Maybe the song selection may be inappropriate? May be kids and open bar don’t mix. Maybe it runs too late? You could provide appropriate areas and activities away from the reception (like at the hotel?) if you have that option ($).
If you invite children, it’s thoughtful and helps keep kids occupied to have a small activity station, a quiet room to play, or kid-friendly snacks. A kids’ table?
If you bring your kids, you have to supervise them!
Doesn’t this go without saying? I think some parents think a wedding venue is like a playground and kids can run around and touch everything freely. If the parents are expecting to have fun, shouldn’t the little darlings have fun too?
Have you ever gotten married or hosted a wedding??? Then you know the stress and planning that goes into trying to make such an event work!! Please don’t assume the hosts will be chaperoning your children. Don’t assume there will be anything there “fun” for them to do. Your children are, in every environment and at every venue, YOUR responsibility. If they don’t sit still well, bring something quiet for them to do during the ceremony.
Feed them & make sure they’re rested ahead of time. Don’t bring your child if they’re sick.
Consider the venue: lots of weddings now are outdoors, near lakes, the beach, etc. In other words, places where you have to have eyes on your child at all times for safety. If they’re not old enough to be safe around these things, perhaps it’s not the place for them. You’ll be in constant hover mode.
Just a quick brush on the interwebs & there are lots of horror stories about parents too busy or preoccupied at weddings while their offspring were menaces.
“If I could have a re-do wedding, I’d have it child-free,” one said. “The kids at my wedding kept messing with the DJ gear and our wedding décor. They swiped frosting off our cake before we cut it and cried at the reception.”
“Even after being removed from the church, we could still hear them wailing in the background. Because we had a black tie wedding, the parents were afraid or too preoccupied to deal with their kids.”
Then there was THIS story from a photographer who once worked a wedding where:
3 kids (the only 3 there) managed to savage the whole affair. They kept interrupting the ceremony by yelling, running up the aisle. They threw the aisle décor off the pews and destroyed it. The parents weren’t doing anything to stop them; they ignored.
During the reception, they ran onto the floor during the couples & parents dances. They threw food around, screamed, one threw a plate & hit another guest. When the bride asked the parents if they could do something, their mother said “It’s not my problem your wedding isn’t kid friendly. You should have a kid station or at least gotten them toys!”
At some point, one of them found the chocolate fountain in the kitchen and raided it. Just before the couple cut the cake, he ran up to the bride and rubbed his hands in the fluff of her dress—covering her in chocolate. Her mother helped her change into her honeymoon dress & then the couple goes to cut the 5-tier cake.
The chocolate kid (now in pjs) runs up to the bride and asks for a slice, but she says they’ll hand it out in a couple of minutes. He screamed big ugly tears (which the photographer caught in a photo). Then he has a melt down and kicks the table. Cake falls over, lands on bride, MOB, groom, and the kid.
The mom then comes out of the crowd yelling that they hurt her child. Wedding is over. Turns out, with the cleaning fees, destroyed chocolate fountain, and other things, the couple sued the guest for 4K damages that they had to cover. They had an add’l $2K for dress repair/cleaning and having to postpone honeymoon so they could deal with everything.
I was stunned when I read this story! I thought it had to be an exaggeration, but I found multiple posts about it, and even updates that mentioned the guests ended up counter suing because of all their child had suffered being showered with the cake that he kicked over upon himself. (!!!)
SO… let’s remember the wedding is about the couple getting married, not who’s invited, and not whether our kids are asked to be in it or asked to come. Don’t begrudge your kids not being invited and don’t pester the hosts asking that they make an exception. If you can’t get a sitter or other arrangements, maybe they will live stream the wedding and you can watch that way. But be gracious.
If the event will be safe and family-focused, bringing your kids along can create fun, lifelong memories. Always prioritize your children’s safety, and be considerate of the couple’s wishes.