Before becoming parents, all of us probably imagine how amazing it will feel when our baby smiles at us, learns to say “mama” and reaches out to be picked up. ALL THE FEELS. The first time they say “I love you”. Cue the heart melt.
Fast forward to toddlerhood, and a lot of us maybe experience this a lot. Too much in fact. So much it makes us crazy! I WANT MOMMY!! MOMMY DO IT!!!
What do you do when your child prefers one parent over another? Have you been there?
WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN?
“It’s fairly common for little kids to have a preference for a particular parent,” says child clinical psychologist Dr Erinn Hawkins.
“The relationship between a child and an attachment figure — a person to whom they become connected — forms very early on in life and becomes a selective thing.”
While there’s an instinct in newborns to form bonds, they tend not to be as fussy. Then, between six and 12 months, these preferences ramp up and become much more solidified. Parents, or biological caretakers, are usually the people who keep those children safe. So, there’s an adaptive reason why kids are drawn towards having special relationships with certain people.
“When they’re little, they just don’t have the same cognitive skills that you or I have to be able to understand and hold relationships as separate entities. They can’t process the idea that you can love people equally, so they tend to love one [parent] at a time.”
—Say you nursed your child & they never learned to take a bottle, so parent #2 never could take over that task, or comfort/soothe like you did.
—One parent isn’t home as much as the other
—Parent #1 has a hard time letting Parent #2 do things his own way. Guess who notices that & thinks you’re the only one who can do it right?
—Maybe parent #2 is less than helpful anyway; defaults by sending the child to you or quickly gives in when there’s a protest
THERE’S USUALLY A CYCLE
Parent #1 (& it’s usually mom, but definitely not always!) does almost everything for the child & becomes exhausted & needs a break. Asks Parent #2 to do something for the child. Parent #2 tries to do it and meltdown ensues or there’s big rejection. Parent #2 either gives up or parent #1 steps in to get it over with. Rinse & repeat with every task (car seat, brushing teeth, wiping bottom, bedtime, bath…..)
Think about the number of things you have to get done with your child in a day!!!
Are you ever in a hurry to get out the door & you just have to get somewhere? Is it bedtime and you just want to be DONE already?! This is typically the scenario when a frustrated parent #1 steps back in and gives in.
WHAT DOES THIS FEEL LIKE
FOR PARENT #2 (or other caregivers)?
Even if they have a really strong ego or lots of self confidence, it stings. Sometimes kids can be really demonstrative about the rejection: pushing parent away, clinging to preferred parent as if they’re scared, saying things: I don’t want you! Go away!!
That doesn’t feel good when ANYONE says it to you, but when your sweet little punkin says it to your face, it’s easy to start doubting yourself or questioning what you did wrong or what it is about YOU that’s wrong. The less preferred parent can feel sad, left out, lonely…
Keep in mind: this is developmental; it’s not personal (like so many things in parenting), even though it FEELS like that to your adult ego. It does not help to act like it’s parent #1’s fault (well, apparently he only loves YOU, so FINE.), as if you & child have been conspiring against him all day.
FOR PARENT #1 (preferred)?
Even though they’re SO loved and needed, the preferred parent can feel frustrated, exhausted, overwhelmed, resentful, angry, touched-out. It can be REALLY HARD to take breaks and ask for help (if help is adamantly not accepted!). No breaks/exhaustion = unhappy person.
It’s helpful for parent #2 to recognize this and give lots of encouragement and HELP IN OTHER WAYS as much as possible to take some of the load off. (especially if there’s more than one child).
As parent #1, it’s helpful to know Parent #2 may ALREADY be feeling hurt so it’s probably not a good time to pile on with stuff like “if you’d only help more, she wouldn’t do that!” or “you always get off the hook with doing anything around here!”
All this inequity between parents can create jealousy & resentment. You’re only human.
It REALLY HELPS to remind yourselves that you’re on the SAME TEAM. Couch time is a great tool for this — it helps BOTH parents and children to have a concrete visual that demonstrates solidarity, security, and that you’re a package deal.
THE GOOD NEWS?
Kids flip-flop. Next week they may prefer the opposite parent. When they get older, children tend to either prefer or relate better to one or other of you (same gender).
Nothing ever stays the same.
This will pass/change.
They will grow out of it.
WHAT CAN YOU DO IN THE MEANTIME?
Humor helps. Try to diffuse meltdowns, etc. with distractions.
Remember, this is usually a toddler behavior at a toddler stage. Toddlers don’t regulate emotions. It’s like some parts got left out of the manufacturing process…. So help your child name the emotion.
Have your child “fold his hands and get some self control” and talk through, helping them use words.
Lay out what’s ok and not ok. It’s not ok to lash out physically or say mean things. It’s ok to want daddy, but mommy’s going to do bath tonight. I need you to say yes, mom. (This only comes if you’ve been working on this sort of response in times of non-conflict!)
Set things up earlier in the day, talking about what will happen and what child can expect. When dad comes home tonight, he’s going to read you a book and brush your teeth. Then mom will get your pjs on and tuck you in. What do you think will be fun about dad reading to you? What book should we choose?
Leave the house deliberately during this phase A LOT (for an hour or a weekend) so child has only the non-preferred parent as the caregiver. Gradually building familiarity. If parent #1 is no longer an option, a lot of times the behavior diffuses. (like leaving your child at school….once you’re out the door, they’re all smiles & going to town on the block tower)
Be a UNITED FRONT.