Today’s subject may strike fear in the heart of some parents, but freaking out is usually not a recommended reaction to much of anything in parenting. We’re talking about how to navigate the waters around your child and dating.
Instead of freaking out, we’re hoping to give you some things to help your child think about, some things to talk about, and maybe also some things parents need to be aware of. With us today to help us do those things, we have Amy Sain and Lori Shea.
While we love Lori & Amy and they always have these gems of parent wisdom, on this subject in particular, we thought they might offer some unique insights. (Introduce & explain your context….Amy: children’s ministry, mom of 3 daughters; Lori: works in school settings, mom of 3 daughters). Renee & I have survived the dating gauntlet with 4 kids between us—2 boys and 2 girls, so we’ll have some experience to add to the mix as well.
Let’s jump in!
Did we let our kids date and how old were they?
Like everything else in our house, there wasn’t some “magic age” that meant *poof* now you’re mature & trustworthy enough to have a gf or bf. It always depends on the kid.
But, yes, both our son & daughter dated and they were different ages. They became interested at different ages & for different reasons. I’d never raised a teenager before, so the oldest kid (as is always the case) was our training ground.
What’s the typical discussion/progression around dating in the average house?
–early elementary, often kids are asked at this age (by adults) whether they have a bf or gf. Some kids as young as preschool come home reporting liking or being liked by someone. (AMY???)
By late elementary, middle school, there are dances, etc., and now that everyone has phones, there’s a lot of “talking” and texting. Maybe group setting interactions…b/c it’s not like anyone can literally DRIVE anywhere; possibly mom dropping off kids at public spot (used to be the mall, skating rink, bowling alley), like after school events/sports/church events/movie theater.
What were some of our own experiences?
By 4th grade, (1977-78) there was definitely talk of who liked who, notes being passed, who sat with who at lunch, etc. We didn’t have dances until 7-8-9 grade, and by that point there were crushes, etc. This was the era of all the classic 80’s John Hughes movies (Pretty in Pink, 16 Candles, Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller…) (Tells you how much entertainment—even our lame, dinosaur entertainment back then—influenced our behavior)
When our kids were teenagers: 90’s/2000’s
Similar but seemed to be a bigger PUSH to date. The 5th grade teachers at daughter’s school ended up having a big pow-wow to clear the air… This is the era of BRATS dolls, Hannah Montana & Disney Channel (Ashley Tisdale, Hillary Duff, Selena Gomez; Kim Possible, Suite Life of Zack & Cody). Big teen movies: Clueless, Mean Girls, Twilight franchise, Princess Diaries, 10 Things I Hate About You…
This is a good time to mention school choice/when your kid starts school! If you happen to have a bright child, who’s a quick study academically, there’s a moment in time where (depending on their birth date) you’re deciding when they should start school. In Kindergarten, you’re thinking reading readiness, not dating. In MY case and in my daughter’s case, we both started EARLY. She didn’t turn 5 until a few weeks after Kindergarten had already begun. Keep in mind she’s in class with a LOT of kids who had later bdays and—by the time middle school rolls around, are 1-2 years older.
(GO DOWN THIS LIST & AMY/LORI JUMP IN TO ADD EXPERIENCE TO IT)
Lay the Groundwork & Think Backwards
There are a lot *more* and different types of conversations I wish we’d had, besides the “sex talk” with our kids. I believe they knew our values, our expectations, but they may not have always known/understood the why behind things b/c we either assumed they knew things, or didn’t know we needed to specifically address things:
Think backwards: By the time your child leaves home, you’re going to want them to know some things about relationships. What should their expectations be? What are red flags and would they recognize them? How will they know these things? From watching Twilight and Princess Diaries? So if you intentionally think about the conversations you want to have, you want to think backwards & space those out appropriately BEFORE & DURING middle school and high school, when they’re relevant and not dump everything in a panic onto your 18 yr old on his way to college, when it’s frankly too late.
We need talk to our kids about “how to have a bf/gf”. Otherwise, there’s just this vague expectation (like in MY youth) that you “go out and get one” and then all your rom-com expectations get dumped on them and some hapless 14 yr old boy is like “I don’t know what I’m doing & I haven’t watched the same movies as you!”
Before your child starts “talking” to someone on their phone, here are some conversations to have. And by conversations, we don’t mean LECTURES/TED Talk presentations. This is a great time for QUESTIONS to gauge where THEY are/what they’re thinking and why they think that way:
- What’s the point of dating? Are you dating with a purpose or just for fun? Why do you want to spend time with this person (b/c he/she finds you attractive? b/c you have a lot in common?) Why would dating this person be better than being good friends with this person?
- What do they think the goal of dating is? To practice how to “be” romantically with someone else? To find out what you like/don’t like in a partner (to get to know yourSELF better)? To be popular? Because everyone else seems to have a gf/bf?
- Talk about TRUST. It’s a vital part of any relationship. Is this cute guy TRUSTWORTHY? How would you know? Are YOU being trustworthy?
- How self aware is your young adult? How self aware is the average 15 year old? Do they know who they are and what they want/need? Flirting/dating is flattering and enticing… is that reason enough to do it?
- Boundaries in dating: do you have space? Can you maintain interests outside one another? Are you losing yourself in the relationship or changing for the other person?
- What are red flags?
- How strong is your young adult’s self esteem? The relationship shouldn’t be what makes them feel good about themselves. A dating relationship or bf/gf isn’t PROOF that you’re loveable.
- Would they know when to STOP dating? Would they know how to do it? How would they react if this person broke up with them?
- Protecting vs. exploiting the other person…
- How are they at conflict resolution? Compromise? Have you worked on these things in your family relationships? How’s their EQ? Have you developed their ability to name their emotions and deal with them appropriately? (or will they explode & key their bf’s car?) “Conversational Consent”—are you in a space to talk about this right now? Or do they unload drama w/o context or consideration?
- The likelihood of a middle school/hs dating relationship lasting “forever”; in their life, a few months CAN seem like an eternity…attachments are made quickly, hearts can be broken easily
(LORI—given your experience in school settings, this is where you weigh in & share some of your insights and observations!!)
It’s always interesting to look at some stats , so we looked at the Journal of Youth Health, the Journal of School Health and Pew Research & found the following:
- Only about 38% of teens describe themselves as “frequent daters.”
- 48% of those who date (ages 12-18) reported some form of stalking or harassment (followed them, spied on them, or gone through their online information)
- 28% had experienced digital dating abuse, males more than females (looking through their phone or device without permission, a partner stopping their S.O. from using a device, or sending threats via text. Sharing information online without permission was another form of abuse) According to CDC’s Youth Behavior Survey, around 1 in 12 participants had experienced some form of physical dating violence, like shoving or hitting. 1 in 4 girls globally have experienced some form of sexual or physical violence between the ages of 15 and 19 if they had already had an intimate partner.
- 20% of female participants and 7% of male participants had experienced unwanted sexual activity in their recent or most current relationship.
- 36% had been a victim of some form of offline dating abuse, including verbal aggression, and physical assault.
- Somewhere around 36% of teens 15-17 have had sex
Prom-posals
Pressure of holidays (valentines, bdays, Christmas) for gifts/dates etc., when a lot of kids don’t even have jobs
What happens on a date?
–group setting or one on one?
–where/when?
–do bf/gf have to meet the parents first? (sibling?)
–ground rules? (curfew? “hanging out” at the house, bedroom door is open, etc.)
Can parents forbid a relationship?
A great article to spur some conversation with your young adult: