In any given day as a mom, our kids give us plenty of challenges, whether they’re 3 or 13. These can start as soon as they open their little eyes in the morning. Some days, everything’s a battle. Breakfast isn’t “right,” they want to wear their Elsa costume all day—again, there’s a small skirmish with their brother, why can’t they have another video, for teens: why are you asking so many questions or what’s the big deal if they have their phone by their bed all night.
Some days, our kids seem to just wake up and decide that today’s a good day to storm the castle of their benevolent, all-loving leader and we’re pretty sure their plan is to take us down with them.
“Pick your battles.” That phrase gets tossed around a lot, and it’s meant to give us an “out” or permission to let some stuff go. It’s also meant to give our kids a break. We don’t want to feel (and THEY don’t want to feel) like we’re on their case about every little lapse, every misstep, every mess up. That’s exhausting and demoralizing for everyone.
Pick your battles and “this is a hill I’m gonna die on” both come from military language. The point is that the general in charge of the troops looks around to assess the situation and might decide that winning some territory (the hill) isn’t worth the cost. There may be too much collateral damage, too many resources used, or the timing just may not be right.
Though it’s not the most ENCOURAGING thing to imagine ourselves being AT WAR with our children, it’s a useful metaphor. How do we sift through all the micro conflicts and decide which ones are worth addressing?
What Are Our Values?
It’s useful to decide with your spouse what it is you’re actually fighting FOR or working towards. If you don’t have a bigger-picture strategic goal, then it’s easy to get lost in the weeds in a given day, week, or month.
So take a minute. Talk about what it is you WANT for your children? What are you ultimately trying to foster in the end? Begin with the end in mind. If you want a kind 16 year old, then you need to work on showing your 6 year old what kindness looks like.
We say this all the time: Take the Long View! Not everything (in fact, very little) will be evident in the short term. Plant the seed. Just keep swimming.
When you figure out your ultimate goal, what are the non-negotiables? A few “family verses” from Scripture can help here.
Renee’s verses: Encouraging, doing everything with excellence, and trusting God to direct you.
1 Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. (context of Jesus returning to judge the earth)
Colossians 3:23-24 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Bonnie’s verses
Phil 4:8: Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever’s right, pure, lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.
1 Cor 13: 4-7 Love is patient, kind, doesn’t boast, isn’t proud…doesn’t dishonor others, isn’t self-seeking, isn’t easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs. In a nutshell, love is not rude!
And there really should be only a few. Example: We will be HONEST, we will SPEAK KINDLY. These sort of “umbrella values” can cover a lot of ground, but when conflicts in these area come up, you will already have resolved to address them pronto.
Once you have the one or two Big Ticket Values in stone, you know that if your kid lies to you, you’ll FOR SURE address it. If they tell you “I forgot” when you know they really just neglected to do something you asked, that falls under the umbrella. If honesty is a key family value, then you address lapses every time. It communicates lines that aren’t crossed.
Work on One Thing At A Time
But there are lots of things our kids do that DON’T fall under our key values. What does this look like? Moms have a lot going on mentally and it’s not always reasonable to expect we’ll remember what we’re working on with each child.
What we did: think about the behaviors that have really been getting under your skin recently. Things you feel like you’re correcting for over and over. You repeat yourself, you give them the reasons they should or should not do a thing, and they don’t seem to be making progress. (Think of a behavior example.)
So, you let them in on your frustration. Tell them you’re going to encourage them, give them a boost to help them learn ___________. From now on, when I see you do ___________ or when you fail to do ____________, this is what’s going to happen (and tell them the consequence). It’s all up to you. The power is in your hands, buddy. I know you can do it.
To remind yourself and your spouse (b/c it’s important to be on the same page!), stick a 3×5 card on the fridge with 1-2 behaviors and their consequences to remind YOU and be fair to THEM. Everyone’s clear.
Elevate the Opposite Virtue
So it doesn’t feel like you’re only cracking down with consequences, remember to begin with the end in mind…. When we drive a car, we’re looking down the road at where we want to end up—not at the steering wheel, not at the tip of the hood.
What does this look like? If your child is having trouble with greed/jealousy, (that’s not fair, he got more than me…all my friends have this game or that phone…), then talk about gratitude. Catch them in moments of being grateful/thankful and praise it when you see it. Practice gratitude. Make a daily list of 3 things you’re grateful for. Go out of your way to send thank you notes to a teacher or grandparent. Focus prayers on the blessings from God, all we have been given. These aren’t punishments!
Sometimes, behaviors will stay on the list for just a couple of days before you see improvement (depends on the age of the child). Sometimes, they may be on there for weeks. If you think your child is morally capable of better progress and is digging in their heels, it’s ok to amp up the consequence and double down—as long as everyone’s aware that this is what’s going to happen. It’s always their choice.
Once you’re satisfied the behavior has been dealt with & they’re behaving better in this area, then you can let that one slide off the list and add another one to focus on next.
Grace & Mercy
So what happens to All the OTHER behaviors while you’re focusing on the 1-2?
These we can consider “the lesser hills”. You might remind or give a verbal warning/explanation for these behaviors. That puts them on notice: you’re aware of this. They’re not getting away with anything b/c it’s on your radar and they know it. If it continues, this may go on the 3×5 card next, so they better watch it. (Check yourself before you wreck yourself.)
This gives you an opportunity to extend mercy. TELL them this is what’s happening. I know you messed up here. I’m aware of it and it wasn’t good. In this case (b/c you’re focusing on a couple of other behaviors right now), I’m keeping it in mind, but I’m giving you mercy/grace. (undeserved favor) Please do yourself a favor and think about this before it gets out of hand and has to go on the BIG LIST.
This gives them a measure of choice and space to work on self control. Every behavior is not a federal case where the hammer comes down immediately.
Some Behaviors Might Show up on The List more than Once
Stuff you thought you’d conquered might come back up. We’re human. Our kids are human. Stand up, dust off, try again.
The older the child, the more self-governance you’d expect them to have.
Be Reasonable
If you’re working on gratitude and kindness to siblings with a teenager and they come home late (curfew) smelling of beer (huge lapse in judgement, health & safety, legal issue), then OBVIOUSLY this should be immediately addressed. Surely you need to be focusing on more than gratitude for a while.
The more Kids you have, the more Cards you have.
I feel like this is obvious, but the behaviors you’re working on won’t be the same across the board for all your kids. AND the moral maturity of one kid won’t be the same as another’s. It’s not a race and we’re not comparing. It has nothing to do with fairness.
Consider the Spiritual Dimension of What is Happening
Story from Amy Joy Lykosh, host of the Make Prayer Beautiful Podcast said: One of my children woke up on the wrong side of the bed … and then proceeded to stay there for the rest of the day.
I don’t know if you’ve dealt with a truly grumpy, stubborn child for hours and hours, but it is really not my favorite thing.
It wasn’t until we were talking through his day right before bed that I realized that, from his perspective, nothing had gone right for him.
When I really entered into what it felt like to be him all day, I had a better understanding of what he was up against.
I lay down beside him, and put a hand on his shoulder, and prayed, very softly.
Lord God, here is my son. He is sad. Spirits of rebellion, of grumpiness and ill humor, of rejection and disappointment, I rebuke you in the name of the Lord Jesus. I bind you and cast you out. Go directly to Jesus and do what he tells you. And, Lord, in their place, I bless my son. May he be filled with love, joy, and peace. May he walk with you. May Phil and I have better understanding of how to encourage him and work with his unique personality and needs. Please give him good sleep all night, and may he wake with a good attitude in the new day.
I wish I had thought to do this thirteen hours earlier. My goodness. The grumpy child relaxed immediately and fell asleep within seconds.
And he woke up the next morning with a fun sense of teasing.
If I had been alert spiritually, I could have done this gentle renewal at the start of the day. My son was sad, and he needed the Holy Spirit to fill his sad places.
I guess that we’re all learning as we go.
Oh, Lord God, thank you that you are a patient, loving parent toward us. How thankful I am that you come and fill up all our sad places. May we remember to give them to you. Thank you, Jesus. Amen.
When it comes to mercy, God is rich!
Amy Joy