Boomers.
Gen X, Y, and Z.
Millennials.
Who fits in each of these categories? How old are they? And are there really differences?
As the teacher in Ecclesiastes writes,
“What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun” (Ecc 1:9).
Every generation comes with new norms, new ways of living. But the bond between parents and children is a constant across cultures and time periods. There is nothing new under the sun! But if we are isolated from anyone who has come before us, we may find ourselves unnecessarily re-inventing the wheel when it comes to our kids, our marriages, and even our friendships.
Wouldn’t learning from others’ lessons be helpful? And might we gain some much-needed “framily” along the way?
Our guest today to help us understand the benefits of multi-generational relationships is JESSICA HOLDER. Jessica is married to Justin Holder and is mom to June (born in March!) and bonus mom to two sons (names and ages). She is a national speaker, author, and the founder of ReGenerations, a company that connects generations to transform our relationships, workplace, and world.
Often called a “generational translator,” her passion is creating understanding among college graduates joining the workforce and their parents’ and grandparents’ generations already in the office. She’s served as the Director of Talent Development and Internal Communications for a Fortune 500 company and, before that, as a nationally syndicated news reporter and producer.
(ReGenerate: A Guide to Connect Generations Her book, available on Amazon. Trainings using an “escape game” technique.
Welcome!
Let’s first define the categories of generations that most people are familiar with. Give generational years and time/defining characteristics of each:
Who’s a Boomer? (‘46-’64) those between 57-75 yrs old; consume traditional media, FB, use cash; post WW2, cold war, hippies
Who fits into Gen X? (‘65-’79/80) those between 41-56 yrs old; traditional media but digitally savvy; end of cold war, rise of personal computing, feeling lost btwn 2 huge generations; raising family, taking care of student debt, taking care of aging parents
Gen Y or Millenials? (ref: An Ordinary Age by Rainesford Stauffer, finding your way in a world that expects exceptional) (‘81-94/96) between 25-40 yrs old; that’s a big difference over some critical decades, not all of them share the same goals; Netflix, streaming; very comfortable with tech/social media; trust efficiency & service; Recession; internet explosion/social media; 9/11
Gen Z? (97-2012) between 9-24 yrs old. Average Gen Z got first phone at 10 yrs old; hyper connected world; never known a country not at war, watch financial struggles of their Gen X parents
(more helpful to define by birth year than age group b/c we’re all aging all the time.)
In March 2020, David Brooks wrote an article for The Atlantic titled The Nuclear Family was a Mistake. https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/03/the-nuclear-family-was-a-mistake/605536/
In it, he makes a compelling case for intergenerational relationships:
If you want to summarize the changes in family structure over the past century, the truest thing to say is this: We’ve made life freer for individuals and more unstable for families. We’ve made life better for adults but worse for children. We’ve moved from big, interconnected, and extended families, which helped protect the most vulnerable people in society from the shocks of life, to smaller, detached nuclear families (a married couple and their children), which give the most privileged people in society room to maximize their talents and expand their options. The shift from bigger and interconnected extended families to smaller and detached nuclear families ultimately led to a familial system that liberates the rich and ravages the working-class and the poor.
Later in the article, he quotes some startling statistics:
Until 1850, roughly 75% of Americans older than 65 lived with their kids and grandkids. Nuclear families existed, but they were surrounded by extended or corporate families.
As factories opened in the big U.S. cities, in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, young men and women left their extended families to chase the American dream.
From 1950 to 1965, divorce rates dropped, fertility rates rose, and the American nuclear family seemed to be in wonderful shape.
This was a brief time when there was a modified extended family:
Nuclear families in this era were much more connected to other nuclear families than they are today—constituting a “modified extended family,” as the sociologist Eugene Litwak calls it, “a coalition of nuclear families in a state of mutual dependence.” …Friends (even) felt free to discipline one another’s children.
Today, only a minority of American households are traditional two-parent nuclear families and only one-third of American individuals live in this kind of family. That 1950–65 window was not normal. It was a freakish historical moment when all of society conspired, wittingly and not, to obscure the essential fragility of the nuclear family.
How do you bring generations together in your work?
What are the benefits of multi-generational relationships?
2015 movie The Intern (Anne Hathaway & Robert DeNiro); this illustrates a big diff in workplace approaches (open spaces/pingpong, jeans, job hopping vs. suit & tie, office, 40 yrs with same company)
One teaches character/values, ethics, “big world”; another teaches technology, new ideas, “small world”, diminishment of “older ideas” of racism, etc.
What are the drawbacks or pitfalls that they bring?
Brooks notes that extended families can be stifling. Everyone is in everyone else’s business. 🙂 There may be more stability but there is less mobility. The group may be prioritized over the individual.
In the south, we refer to extended family as “mom’n’em…as in, “hey there, honey, how’s your mom’n’em?” The implication is that they’re taken as a unit. (Even living on the same street or property in difft houses.)
David Brooks again:
Extended families have two great strengths.
The first is resilience. An extended family is one or more families in a supporting web. Your spouse and children come first, but there are also cousins, in-laws, grandparents—a complex web of relationships among, say, seven, 10, or 20 people. If a mother dies, siblings, uncles, aunts, and grandparents are there to step in.
The second great strength of extended families is their socializing force. Multiple adults teach children right from wrong, how to behave toward others, how to be kind.
So, do you agree with him? Why or why not?
What makes intergenerational relationships difficult when it comes to child rearing? Why do we neglect them or fail to cultivate them?
(rise in food allergy concerns might be seen as “dramatic”, e.g.,); children should be seen & not heard vs. child-centered parenting
How does knowing the differences between what has shaped each generation help us to communicate better with one another and respect each other’s POV/differences?
How do you find them if you don’t have them in your own family?
On the Ministry to Children website, Kara Jenkins wrote an article that describes God’s intentions for the generations to do life together:
https://ministry-to-children.com/intergenerational-ministry-support/
“The call for one generation to share its faith and story with future generations is deeply embedded in the Jewish tradition….From the first century onward, Christian faith communities have been intergenerational communities.”
In the Old Testament, the Israelite community was built around this concept:
“When God set His people Israel in order, he placed each individual within a family, each family within a tribe, and each tribe within the nation. No generation was excluded, no child left out, no older person put aside. Within each tribe were the components of family; they were community.”
God’s directives for his people in the Old Testament clearly identify the Israelites as a relational community where the children were to grow up participating in the culture they were becoming. In the religion of Israel, children were not just included, they were drawn in, assimilated, and absorbed into the whole community with a deep sense of belonging.
The annual feasts and celebrations of the Israelite community included all generations. The core purpose of the feasts was to remind the Israelites what God had done for them in ages past. “As children and teens danced, sang, ate, listened to the stories, and asked questions, they came to know who they were and who they were to be.”
“When God created the family He wanted an expression of Himself; He wanted His image to be reproduced in unity and harmony. God Himself is community. Father, Son and Holy Spirit, relationally communing and flowing together” God created mankind in the image of the triune God; we were created to live in community.
You can find Jessica on jessicastollingsholder.com, where all her resources/availability are listed!!