John Stonestreet is known for saying that there isn’t really parenting. There is mothering and fathering. Both a mother and a father bring differing strengths and benefits to a child. David Blankenhorn in his book Fatherless America explains that films about family life help create a “cultural story”—one that explains what kind of behavior is acceptable in society. The cultural story about fatherhood defines our “shared understanding of what it means for a man to have a child.” This story can have profound consequences on how fathers view their responsibilities toward their children. https://breakpoint.org/doing-away-with-dad/
Many of the stories we are seeing on television and movies are saying fathers are irrelevant or inept or worse. But is that true?
In a June 2008 article published on the website, Psychology Today, the importance of fathers was highlighted in a review of 24 studies. Dr. Anna Sarkadi, a physician at Uppsala University in Sweden was the lead author of this review of studies about fathers. And she found that fathers have an important positive influence on their kids:
When fathers are engaged with their children, boys have fewer behavior problems, girls have fewer psychological problems, and both show enhanced cognitive development.
Sarkadi found that the mere presence of a father in the home reduced aggressive behavior in the kids. But it was active and regular engagement with the kids that reduced the risks of behavioral and psychological problems and boosted cognitive development.
“Father engagement really seems to have an effect where it’s most needed,” she told me. “What’s the most common problem among teenage girls? Depression. And boys? You have delinquents.” Those are precisely the problems that father engagement helps reduce. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/about-fathers/200806/the-attentive-father?collection=96852
God also emphasizes the tremendous importance of fathers throughout Scripture.
- Psalm 103 notes that God’s compassion should be able to be compared to a father’s compassion for his children. “As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him.”
- King David prayed for his son, Solomon’s devotion to God and his future work. “And give my son Solomon the wholehearted devotion to keep your commands, statutes and decrees and to do everything to build the palatial structure for which I have provided.” 1 Chronicles 29:19.
- Malachi predicted that one day God would send a prophet like Elijah (who we know is Jesus) to turn people’s hearts toward what is good and right. “He will turn the hearts of the parents to their children, and the hearts of the children to their parents.” Malachi 4.
- Paul highlights some ways fathers love and lead their children: through encouragement, comfort, and persistently reminding them to live in a way that glorifies God. In his letter to the Thessalonian church, Paul wrote “For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory.” When children try to do something difficult, a good father
- encourages them. When a child is hurting, a good father comforts them. And a good father demonstrates how to live out God’s calling.
And one of the big pitfalls in fathering is also addressed a couple of times in Paul’s letters: exasperating or embittering your children. The apostle Paul addressed this multiple times in his letters to the churches.
- Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. (Colossians 3)
- Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6)
Bonnie ran across an instagram post the other day by @pparable out of London, England. It used the verse from Matthew 3:17,where Jesus is baptized as a paradigm for fatherhood, and we thought it really rang true.
Matthew 3:17 A voice (i.e., GOD THE FATHER) from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased. Listen to him.”
Really if you look at the different phrases in this statement, God lays out some pretty simple & universal strategies for fathers to follow & that’s what we wanted to talk about in today’s episode.
Even though this is Just Ask Your MOM, since WE ourselves are not fathers and have no experience BEING fathers, we thought we’d ask a couple of dads we happen to know to weigh in on the topic with us.
INTRODUCE DAVID & BOB.
The FIRST phrase in this verse here is THIS IS MY SON. In case you didn’t know it, this one belongs to ME. KEY CONCEPT: Fathers confer identity.
We talk a lot about creating “family identity” in the parenting class we’ve team-taught. What does that mean? What does it look like?
(Mention last name; WHO and WHOSE you are; what does our family stand for? Who are we? Whom do we serve? What are our values & where do they come from? Family crest, motto, cheer, sign, ancestry, culture, (tractor plowing contest in Iowa…)
The SECOND phrase is WHOM I LOVE. Interesting that God feels this is important enough to mention out loud. You’d think Jesus probably already knows this. (Does He mention it for the benefit of the audience there or just so Jesus hears it one more time?)
KEY CONCEPT: Fathers give emotional security.
This is a big one & it carries a lot of weight for our kids’ relationships down the road.
“Love is patient and is kind; love doesn’t envy. Love doesn’t brag, is not proud, doesn’t behave itself inappropriately, doesn’t seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil; doesn’t rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
They do this thru loving their wives well. Dads can say this out loud—isn’t your mom great? Isn’t she beautiful? Let’s say thanks to mom for this amazing meal. Come with me to the store & help me pick out some flowers to surprise your mom….
Mom is first (couch time). Mom is to be respected. (Dads can step in with teenage boys or sassy girls).
Our kids are watching us “do marriage.” They’re learning how relationships work, how we handle conflict, how we apologize to one another and show affection, etc.
Dads also give emotional security by deliberately and intentionally being affectionate & communicating their love with actual words… Mom a lot of times is a “sure thing” in a kid’s life. Dads (by virtue of their coming & going and their difft relationship) can often be less sure.
No matter how old your kids get, touch them, hug them, tell them you love them.
Watch your TONE!!
Allow your kids to fail and teach them the lessons learned. Don’t let them be afraid to fail YOU. If they’ve given their best effort and fall short or mess up, let them know you’re still (& always will be) on their team. THEY didn’t disappoint you. You will always love them no matter what.
Fathers teach TRUST to their kids. Do what you say you’re going to do. Show up. Keep your promises (or don’t make them in the first place). Reinforce that concept by asking “do you trust me?” from the time they’re little.
The THIRD phrase is With Him I am well pleased. Key concept: Fathers affirm.
Saying “I’m proud of you,” “You have what it takes,” “I believe in you,” “I know you’re capable and good,” “God has big plans for you,” “I love you.” These kind of statements are TREASURED GIFTS from dads. (notes in the lunch box….)
I love to watch you ________________.
Fathers allow their kids to stretch, grow, explore, develop in areas they themselves have never been. Instead of insisting they be a quarterback or a banker, they affirm each child’s talent/temperament even if it’s different or unexpected.
The FOURTH phrase is Listen to Him. Key concept: Fathers transfer authority.
Dads teach their kids how to BE in the world.
Handshake, work ethic, integrity, honesty. Leave things better than you found them. Be generous with what you have. Here’s how to be a gentleman and how to expect to be treated (as a woman).
God gives dads (parents) authority. It’s a privilege to teach them about their Father & lead them into a relationship with Him. Don’t leave this up to chance. Model it. Pray with your kids & teach them what prayer is. Serve with your kids. Teach your kids gratitude, humility, and praise….these are ANCHORS for them in a world that will blow them in every direction.
Dads can also transfer authority in meaningful ways to their kids thru marking milestones on their path to adulthood. (Think of the dad in military service, telling kids to “take care of mom & each other” while he’s gone..)
What are some milestones that you’ve marked/celebrated with your kids? (baptism, driver’s license, Eagle Scout, college acceptance, walking daughter down the aisle…)
Passing down skills: how to change a tire, how to ride a horse, etc….
FOUR THINGS DADS CAN DO are actually four umbrellas that contain a lot of great tips. You two have shepherded your kids thru so many of them.
- Fathers confer identity
- Fathers give emotional security
- Fathers affirm
- Fathers transfer authority