Having recently spent some time with a couple of my sisters trading childhood stories, it stirred up my interest in birth order in families and the significance (if any) it makes in how children develop.
Does birth order matter? How does it work and can it change? Having experienced it & hearing again and again anecdotally from people in larger families, in the interest of “knowing your child” it’s worth looking into. From the beautifully documented “first year” scrapbook of the first child, parents tend to peter out (in time and energy) until the last born has a few photos and favorite book stuck in a shoebox.
We have a whole series on temperament and we’ve talked about learning your child’s gifts and talents in an effort to tailor the parenting to the child. Knowing your child’s motivations, weaknesses, and tendencies does make it easier to teach them, especially if your child has a different bent than you or your spouse.
So, here we go. We’ll start at the beginning with the FIRSTBORN and then look at middle children, the babies, and the only child. Plus, some of the wrenches that might mix up the order as families grow and change. See if you recognize yourself or your siblings in these episodes, or your children.
As always, our purpose isn’t to pigeon hole or label anyone, stamping you with a “this is how you are and forever will be, Amen”. This is broad strokes because people are people.
Largely drawn from Dr. Kevin Leman’s book The Birth Order Book.
Over the centuries, with limited resources and a need to keep the family name going, there was a concept of PRIMOGENITURE. If you’re familiar at all with the OT, we see this everywhere. The first born son received the inheritance and favor of the father. Daughters didn’t typically remain in the family or carry the family name, so they got no property or rights. From the very beginning, this sets up a vying for status—Cain & Abel, Jacob and Esau, Isaac and Ishmael.
Now, in most industrialized countries, it generally plays out that parents should divide their love, attention, time, and inheritance equally among all the offspring.
But by virtue of how families actually WORK, despite our best efforts, things are likely NOT equal among offspring. Children are affected much more by who’s BEFORE them than who’s AFTER them.
FIRSTBORN and ONLY CHILD: They have parents to themselves. Attention and focus and needs met. In the case of a FB, this likely goes on for years—or at least a good chunk of time—before a sibling comes along. For an ONLY, this is how life is. Resources are theirs alone, (but parents are young & likely not as financially stable as they might be down the road…). If there was a choice, (esp in previous centuries) it would be the first born (esp if a son) that would get educated.
The firstborn or only is the LAB RAT. Parents didn’t know what they were doing. They over-reacted and fussed over everything. These children get to use all the new things: new crib, new stroller, new clothes, new toys. They get used to having “territory” or space that is their domain. Parents also may communicate high expectations. Again, this is their first rodeo and they may do this subconsciously or unintentionally.
Firstborns and Onlies are reliable and conscientious. Much like that gold temperament, they are list makers and black and white thinkers. They’re responsible, planners and don’t like surprises. Natural leaders and achievement oriented. They can be either aggressive/assertive or compliant. Many CEOs are first-born or only children. Almost 65% of US presidents are firstborns or functional firstborns. They’re in high numbers in science, medicine and law professions. Of the first 23 American astronauts sent into space, 21 were firstborns and the other 2 were only children.
Only children take these characteristics a step further. They’re very independent (not surprising) and since they’ve typically not had to navigate the relationship dynamics early on with siblings, may have a harder time with peers or understanding conflict. Only children act mature beyond their age, often “little adults” by age 7-8. They prefer adult company to friends their own age.
Firstborns often report hearing things like “I don’t care who started it. You’re the oldest and you should know better. You should’ve been responsible…etc.”
In effect, parents can elevate that firstborn to an “almost parent” status once additional children start arriving, without meaning to or knowing it. Firstborns will often gladly accept that role/responsibility but as parents we have to keep in mind that they’re NOT the parent, they should NOT have that equal status and it may cause issues down the road. For example, it can add to the already “bossy” tendencies a firstborn has—and you’ll end up dealing with “how we treat others” or “arrogance” issues. It can give young children too much of a “wise in your own eyes” attitude, as they act as if they’re on par with mom and dad. (Using the oldest as a sitter… need to set ground rules that apply when we’re gone but not while we’re present.)
ONLY children tend to naturally become part of this parent pyramid dynamic too. It’s mom and dad and me and we’ll be deciding things together. Parents should watch for attitude here as well…because you don’t want a know-it-all kid who’s unlikeable.
The thing about the parent triangle with Onlies is that as the parents age, that pyramid gets inverted…and now responsibility for both aging parents falls on one child’s shoulders. Only children are going to fare much better with a very supportive mate!
Things to note: If the firstborn comes into a family with a critical parent (perhaps parent is also a first born) and receives a lot of harsh and unyielding input, it’s not unusual for them to fold on their typical firstborn role, feeling they can’t measure up. The second born child, then, tends to leap frog over the first born and assume that role & the characteristics that go with it.
Things That Monkey With Birth Order
Age spacing affects birth order roles. If there is more than a 5-year gap between children, you are drawing a line and starting a new family as far as birth order roles are concerned. If there’s a gap of 7-10 yrs or more, the next born falls into an almost only child category.
I have 3 older sisters who are 12, 10, and 8 years older than I am. The sister right above me was a last born child (the baby of the family) for most of her formative years. She was 8 when I was born, which technically shifts her to “middle child” status and me to lastborn, but that’s not how it plays out. She has no middle child characteristics at all, and I function as a firstborn even though I’m daughter #4.
If a child cannot assume a birth order role—if they have significant health issues or special needs in some way—this tends to shift the roles to the next in line. Even things like ADHD can flip birth order status…classic responses is that parents may tend to grant child without the difference more privileges and rewards (FB status).
Loss of a child can affect roles in a family. They may tend to shift up or down. Adoptions can do the same if you adopt older children.
Blending of Families. Due to death or divorce. In step families certain birth orders can get stepped on.
Physical Characteristics can change the way birth order plays out. If firstborn Adam is 5’ tall at 12 yrs old but his younger 10 yr old brother is a burly 5’9” already, it might make a difference in what roles they assume in the family. Or a very pretty sister and a more plain sister.
Gender. This one is significant. In my family of 5 siblings, we have 4 girls and then the lastborn is a boy. While he does have many lastborn tendencies, he ALSO has some firstborn traits. This is because you often have a “new family order” when a different gender enters the scene. Say you have 2 older sisters, then a boy, then 2 younger sisters. That firstborn SON will tend to have firstborn tendencies rather than middle child tendencies.
When sex differences create someone “special” (a new gender), it can put pressure on the child immediately above or below that special person.
Twins or Multiples Usually very aware of who was born first, even if it’s by one minute. Usually a competitor and a companion. But multiples can definitely affect other children’s roles…Remember the McCaughey septuplets in 1997? They have an older sister (Mikayla) who was 21 months old when her 7 famous siblings came home.
Birth Order & Parenting
Every time a child is born, the entire family environment changes. How parents interact with each child as he or she enters the family has a big determination on that child’s final destiny.
Parents aren’t doing this intentionally. It’s the nature of how time, attention, and family roles play out.
Mom & Dad’s own birth order can affect their children. One thing at play is that parents can overidentify with the child in their same birth order position. So, they put a lot of pressure on that child or spoil/favor the child.
Remember the critical parent…if you’re a firstborn parent (with gold temperament tendencies), really watch your criticism. A lot of your “perfectionist” tendencies will go towards your children, particularly that firstborn (before you loosen up). If you’re a FB (or only child) parent, here’s a check:
Does your child procrastinate at everything? Do they draw a picture or build a tower & then destroy it, saying it’s no good? Do they redo their homework? What should be an easy 20 min assignment takes 3 hrs? Do you redo things your child has done? Even if you’re “fixing” your child’s mistakes in a “positive way,” you may be creating a discouraged perfectionist. Make mistakes OK. Make failure OK. Talk about your own failings and faults and mess ups.
**The same traits that help FBs and Onlies succeed in the world often work against them in close personal relationships.
FB and only children are often raised under stress. Grand expectations from parents and grandparents (especially if this child is the FIRST firstborn) can weigh on a person! A child’s temperament is pretty well formed by the age of 5…so when the FB is pretty young he’s already observing his parents and noting the way to do things…he has ONLY adults to learn from…big, perfect people who do everything correctly.
FBs also take the brunt of discipline as parents soften into their parenting role. They’re also more likely to get called on to do things…so they get a lot of the work/responsibility as “mom or dad’s helper.”
Dethronement
Except for only children, firstborn implies there’s also a second or third or fourth…. This means that in particular for FBs, they must cope with the profound intrusion of another child into their realm.
Wise parents PREPARE their FB months ahead of time, reading books and talking about the event. They ENCOURAGE their FB, noting that he or she is bigger and able to do more. They encourage the FB to help with the new baby but don’t pile on extra work or responsibilities that lead to resentment. They spend special time with their FB without the baby.
A Word about Marriage:
It tends to be more difficult in a marriage if your spouse is the same birth order as you are. Sameness can equal competition, and there’s no place for competition in a marriage. First borns tend to “should on” everyone (which is interpreted as “you didn’t measure up.”) so if 2 FBs or a FB and an ONLY marry and have children, they should be aware of these traits and try to be intentional about NOT laying perfectionism and unrealistic expectations on spouses or children. If you marry outside your birth order you increase your probability of marital success. It’s good for FBs to marry last borns, for example. They sharpen/soften one another.
Try PREFACING conversations to soften your demanding/prescriptive approach. “When you get time…” or “I may be off base here, but…” Speak well of your child/spouse in public…verbal encouragement like that is an extra boost.