This topic is from a listener suggestion. Because of where we are in life, we know a lot of moms who are close to being empty nesters. They’ve raised one or two older kids and now they’ve got their last one (the youngest) left at home. The home stretch!
How do you finish strong with your last kid at home?
Interesting question because it seems to be asking a couple of deeper things:
- Is it ok to be a different parent with one kid than with your others? That seems to violate our “fair radar”
- How do we as parents navigate the LAST KID and all the feelings that brings up?
So it can seem a little odd when you’re down to that last fledgling to leave the nest. For their whole life, the family has looked one way, and now the siblings have hopped out and the family looks/feels totally different.
YOU’RE sifting thru what those changes feel like, but your KIDS are, too. Tbh, even the DOG notices things aren’t the same.
What used to be noisy family chaos at dinnertime now becomes mom, dad, and the youngest blinking at each other over the meatloaf. It’s twilight zone. Like, what just happened?
Bonnie: We definitely noticed this in our house. We only have 2 kids but we somehow manage to feel like a big, loud family. We wrestle, joke, play tag in the kitchen, sing loudly. Mine are 3 yrs apart, and when the oldest left for college, it was definitely quieter without that sibling mix.
Our daughter had 3 years to experience being an only child before her brother came along, but he’d NEVER had that. We didn’t do the calculations on the other end when HE’D be the only child for 3 years. I think he liked it.
Renee: Emma/Houston
It turned out to be kind of a nice time to focus on the other one. Oh—hey there, what are YOU all about? Instead of what are you like in relation to your sibling(s). What are you like as “the youngest child”. It’s a cool time to step back and see them for THEM, separate and apart from anyone else. Their time to shine independently. We had more time (and bandwidth) to slow down and enjoy things one-on-one. I think it deepened our relationship in a lot of ways having those couple of years before he left home.
Going back to that first question—is it ok to be a different parent with one kid (your last) than with your others?
Whether it’s fair or not, I think it’s inevitable. My 3 older sisters always gave my brother & me a hard time because we were so much younger—a decade or more younger than our older sibs. They claim (as ALL older sibs do) that we had it so much easier, had fewer chores to do, etc. etc. … (this is me rolling my eyes)…
But look: my parents were in their early 30’s with my sisters. When they were raising my brother and me, they were in their late 40’s, almost 50. I’m wayyy more chill than I was in my early 30’s, so of course we had different parents than they did. It’s a factor of our own aging/maturing…..and maybe tiring out.
But is it ok to do stuff with just that kid? Stuff you wouldn’t have done as a whole big family? Maybe with just one you can afford things you couldn’t before. Isn’t that playing favorites? (we tried to take a trip at 13 with each one, but have had to buy a computer and replace a car for one that we didn’t with the other; we had to pay for a wedding for one that we didn’t with the other, so maybe we’ll be able to contribute in difft ways with the last.) We did take a family trip that didn’t work with the oldest’s schedule. Welcome to adulthood. We missed her, but we had fun anyway.)
–I all but guarantee the older sibs will probably see it that way. You didn’t take US on weekend trips! You didn’t go out for dinner with US every Friday. …
The longer your family exists on this planet, the more it will change and evolve. They’ll eventually all get a “turn” with mom & dad’s time/money/energy. Their schedules (sadly) will get harder & harder to coincide exactly, so a big family trip might end up with one married couple only coming for the first weekend and another for the second, with everyone together for just 2 days in the middle. Don’t drive yourself crazy trying to be exactly perfectly fair with every minute or every dollar.
CAUTION: EXAMINE YOUR MOTIVES!!! don’t try to go out of your way to do extra special things/trips/presents/etc… with the last kid because YOU’RE feeling the urgency of their launch. That puts a lot of unwanted pressure on the kid and ironically pushes them away a little. Young adults get weary of parents trying to WRING ALL THE PRECIOUS out of their last parenting moments. (all the sappy “the last breakfast at home, the last time he flushed the toilet, the last slammed door…. Social media posts). Plus, they’re already feeling some anxiety, anticipation, etc. about leaving home and adding all the sap and quivering chins can burden them with YOUR STUFF which should REMAIN YOURS.
You should let them be them and have their last year or two with A LOT of normalcy. Use this time (or the time they’re with their friends) to FOCUS ON YOUR MARRIAGE which a lot of people have brushed aside in the name of Busy and Childrearing. No Bueno. You probably have a lot of rediscovering to do. Get on that!! Seeing you do that will give your kid a TON of confidence in their own life and will take any burden off them to “make sure mom’s ok” or wonder how mom & dad will be without their life-giving presence. Ugh.
So that last kid is an older teenager. It’s probably not like they’re hanging out at home with you all the time anyway because they have a life and friends who are way more exciting than you doing way more exciting things than watching BBC dramas. That’s as it should be.
They’re preparing to leave the nest, remember, so they should be practicing the LEAVING and coming back parts. Even if you have a home-body, they shouldn’t be home with you ALL the time unless there’s like a once-in-a-century crazy pandemic or something. (and when would THAT happen?!)
FINISH STRONG:
You know the trope of the 3rd child. You’re tired. Your firstborn ate organic food you grew in your own garden but the 3rd is lucky to get processed mac & cheese. You barely have a baby book or photos.
If that’s you, now’s your chance to pick up that slack. Continue inviting people over and hosting groups at your house. Include them in that. Let them see the world is a great place but they’re not at its center. Give and help them to give. Volunteer together with something special—MOW or a Christmas program.
If you are going to do college visits, sure—tack on an extra day to explore a fun city because it’s just them. No harm in savoring and enjoying but make it light.
Don’t let them just coast thru school b/c you can see the finish line. Your job’s not done YET.
For goodness sake, DON’T COMPARE with their siblings. About after HS choices, dating relationships, friends, etc….. The best & coolest thing you can do as a parent with your last kid is to relish them for who they are and what they love. Dig into that with the time you have left.
It’s easy to see that move-out day looming in the future and panic about all the stuff you’ll miss when they’re gone.
Harness that energy & make a list (with your child) about things they want to be sure to accomplish/learn in the time they’re still with you. Maybe you left some stuff out with your older kids that you see you should’ve taught them. What do they need to know? Now you have time to learn that with them or teach them yourself:
Think about the time you have remaining and work backwards with some of these so you don’t panic and try to cram stuff in when everything’s already stressful and emotional.
—cooking (include making a meal & taking it to someone who needs a break/help)
–laundry/ironing/what needs to be dry cleaned
–sewing
–hosting a party/event
–how to plant something
–how to get your oil changed, tires changed, tags renewed
–how to mail a package, letter
–how to do an interview
–study skills
—relationships, sex, all the Q&As
–self defense
—how to go grocery shopping! (& plan meals for apartment living)
—budgeting, money, spending, credit cards
–what else do they wish they knew/want to learn?
You will definitely have ALL THE FEELINGS when your last kid leaves home. Everything changes & you rethink your roles and relationships. It doesn’t matter how intentional you are or how “prepared” you are, all that will still happen.
But it IS worth taking a breath and being a bit intentional with the last one to minimize regrets and maximize your time together. Be sure to include THEIR opinions/suggestions as well as your own.