I’m so interested in today’s topic! It’s not something I know a lot about, at least officially. We’re talking about emotional intelligence.
Today our guest is NORA MARTIN, a long-time friend and associate who’s going to weigh in with some information (and perhaps experience) with EQ. [Nora introduction]
Nora speaks about the differences between IQ, EQ, and a third aspect (Job knowledge) in her position at a Fortune 500 company on the West Coast. She uses it as means to engage and train employees to better interact at work. (Much like Jessica Stallings-Holder does when she trains different generations to connect.)
Now, off the air, before we started this episode, Nora gave us an assignment (which we did b/c we are both Type A rule-followers and very good students!). If you’d like to do the assignment as well, we’ll give you instructions and you can pause the podcast & come back when you’re done.
ASSIGNMENT –
paper and pen, tear or cut your paper into 12 pieces
Think of 3 people who influenced your life in a positive way. So impactful that they stand out to you. These need to be people who you actually know, not Mother Teresa.
For each person think of 3 words that describe why they had such an impact on you.
Write each of those words on one of your pieces of paper. You will have 3 pieces of paper for each person
Renee:
Dad: empowering, loving, strengthening
David: sacrificing, gentle, forgiving
Grandmother: loving, trusting, faithful
So let’s talk about IQ vs EQ
We hear a lot about IQ –a person’s measure of intelligence. We’ve done some episodes on education choices and gifted children, for example, where teachers assess kids with IQ testing. .
**Nora, how would you define IQ? IQ reflects an ability to solve problems, use logic, and grasp or communicate complex ideas.
But there’s a different kind of intelligence, which is measured as our EQ.
**How would you describe that?
EQ is the ability to recognize emotion in yourself and others, and to use that awareness to guide your decisions. It’s being able to say no when you need to, share your feelings with others, solve problems in ways that work for everyone and showing empathy.
A person can be high in one area and low in another. Classic example of Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory: off the charts genius in intelligence but constantly unable to read the room or show empathy.
**And Nora, you talk about a third category at work, called Job Knowledge. How would you define that?
Job Knowledge is skills and knowledge that apply directly to a specific job or task.
Back to the ASSIGNMENT. On your last 3 squares of paper write EQ, IQ and Job Knowledge. Sort the descriptive words you wrote earlier into each of those categories. If you are not certain where one goes use your best judgement.
My hypothesis for this experiment is that 70% of words will be under the EQ sections. **Results**?? (Fully 100% of mine were!)
Renee: All of mine were EQ
This shows that while most of us assume job knowledge or IQ are what makes someone impressive, truly EQ is what matters.
Nora: Normally at this part of my talk, I show a video from the TV show Ted Lasso. (describe??) Then we break into groups and discuss ways to bring more EQ into their one on one syncs with their direct reports, then we talk about it as a big group.
Emotional intelligence isn’t developed evenly in all areas of life, which can explain why someone might be a successful leader at work but have poor relationship quality. Geoff Crane, founder of Adaptimist Insights, says: “Emotional intelligence can be highly contextual and change from one place to another. Different environments can induce different levels of certain aspects of emotional intelligence. For example, if you have a job that doesn’t require you to have interpersonal interactions whatsoever, you wouldn’t develop interpersonal skills there. You don’t really think about it.”
I’m interested in why EQ is important? Why does it have such an impact that ALL my descriptive words for my important people went into that category?
It seems to be what kind of “glues” people together, or draws them to one another instead of remaining at arm’s length or acquaintances, etc.
In an article by Ellen Nguyen, (“How to Spot Emotional Intelligence in a Partner,”) she states: Generally speaking, people with high EQ know what’s going on with themselves and are good at expressing it. They have high social awareness and adaptability. Couples with matching levels of emotional intelligence tend to be happier and stay together longer.
1. They’re self-aware
If you can’t identify your own emotions, it’s very unlikely that you’re able to identify them in someone else.
2. They’re curious about you
People who are highly emotionally intelligent are flexible in thinking. They’re more likely to be open-minded and curious about you. They make observations about you and ask you why.
3. They’re self-sufficient
People with high emotional intelligence know their body and emotions, which allows them to meet their own needs. For example, being frequently ‘hangry’ is a sign of low body and emotional awareness. The hangry person doesn’t know they’re experiencing hunger; they let it go on and get irritated and snappy with people around them.
4. They have good boundaries
When people are self-aware, they know what boundaries to set. On the other hand, allowing emotions to override rational judgment and overlooking bad behaviors is a sign of undeveloped emotional intelligence.
5. They have healthy, lasting, non-romantic relationships
Being around others requires an individual to develop their interpersonal skills. If your partner has longstanding friendships and is close with their family, it’s likely that they have learned what works and what doesn’t in relationships and will have high emotional intelligence as a result.
And, I would infer, families that foster/teach emotional intelligence have better/stronger relationships with one another. This is the part where we say (again) it’s always great when parents are self aware and can work on their own boundaries/baggage instead of piling all that onto our kids.
**For parents…how do we teach EQ? It IS teachable, not something you’re necessarily born with.
An iconic study tracked high-IQ students from childhood to late adulthood and found that those who achieved notable adult career success showed greater “will power, perseverance and desire to excel”.
Remember that delayed gratification test that went viral for awhile? Giving children the option to have more treats if they could wait before eating them – suggested delayed gratification and self-control are important, with these characteristics being linked to better school grades, earnings and job satisfaction.
EQ is a factor in academic success
What do we want to work on with our kids to add to their EQ?
Active listening (reflecting back what’s said, body language, courtesies)
Self awareness (what could I have done differently?)
Empathy (reading! Modeling this: I understand, I see…)
Managing emotions/self regulation (regulating thoughts & feelings, helpful self talk, seeing events/failures as opportunities)
Great resource for add’l info: https://www.talentsmarteq.com/emotional-intelligence-2-0/
Be curious, not judgmental. -Ted Lasso (This applies to generations, temperaments, etc.)