Cultivate: SELF-CONTROL

Did your kids ever…

• have tantrums or outbursts
• interrupt friends or blurt out answers in class 
• talk nonstop
• act overly active or restless
• grab things instead of asking first
• cut in line or have a hard time taking turns
• get frustrated easily or give up quickly
• burst into tears in response to gentle teasing 
• have trouble listening to criticism 

Mine did too! These are just examples of what it looks like when our kids are not displaying self-control. And that is what we want to talk about today…

This is another episode in our Cultivate series.We are always saying that it’s so much better to elevate what you are looking for in your children (the virtues!) rather than squashing what you don’t want (the vices!). So we’ve been talking about how you can cultivate character in your kids through the years.

So moms: can your child resist distractions?  Inhibit impulses? Bounce back from difficult emotions? Delay gratification and plan ahead?

Obviously, a lot depends on the child’s age. Toddlers lack the self-control of older kids. Self-control develops over the years, with some of the biggest changes happening between the ages of 3 and 7.

Let’s start by taking a look at what SELF-CONTROL actually IS.  

I love this definition from David Mathis, the executive editor at desiringgod.com

Self-control — our hyphenated English is frank and functional. There’s no cloak of imagery or euphemistic pretense. No punches pulled, no poetic twist, no endearing irony. Self-control is simply that important, impressive, and nearly impossible practice of learning to maintain control of the beast of one’s own passions. It means remaining master of your own domain not only in the hunky-dory, but also when faced with trial or temptation. Self-control may be the epitome of “easier said than done.”

Self-control is the discipline of delaying impulse or gratification for a greater purpose or cause. When we exercise self-control, we are saying “no” for the sake of a bigger and better “yes.” We are trading something in the here and now for something greater in the future.

Alongside love and godliness, self-control serves as a major summary term for Christian conduct in full flower 2 Timothy 1:7 — 

⁷ For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

(2 Timothy 1:7; Titus 2:6, 12; 1 Peter 4:7; 2 Peter 1:6). It is the climactic “fruit of the Spirit” in the apostle’s famous list (Galatians 5:22–23) and one of the first things that must be characteristic of leaders in the church (1 Timothy 3:2; Titus 1:8). 

Acts summarizes the Christian gospel and worldview as “righteousness and self-control and the coming judgment” (Acts 24:25). And Proverbs 25:28 likens “a man without self-control” to “a city broken into and left without walls.”

Why is it Important, even for young kids? Studies show…

• Preschool children with better self control skills have more friends.
• Preschoolers who are better at self control become more self-confident, more independent, better at handling stress and frustration, and better in academic performance during adolescence3.
• Young children with poor self-regulation skills tend to make less academic progress (McClelland et al 2007; Welsh et al 2010; McClelland et al 2014). Throughout the school years, they are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and aggressive behavior problems (Martel et al 2007; Eisenberg et al 2010; Raaijmakers et al 2008; Ellis et al 2009).
• In the long run, kids with poor self-control are at higher risk for poor health outcomes, like obesity and drug dependency (Sutin et al 2011; Moffit et al 2011). They are more likely to commit crimes and less likely to become wealthy (Moffit et al 2011). 

The Infamous Marshmallow Self-Control Experiment:

“Marshmallow man” Walter Mischel is an Ivy League professor known for his experiments in self-control. Nearly 50 years ago, he created a test to see how various five-year-olds would respond to being left alone with a marshmallow for 15 minutes with instructions not to eat it — and with the promises that if they didn’t, they would be given two. The New York Times reports,

Famously, preschoolers who waited longest for the marshmallow went on to have higher SAT scores than the ones who couldn’t wait. In later years they were thinner, earned more advanced degrees, used less cocaine, and coped better with stress. As these first marshmallow kids now enter their 50s, Mr. Mischel and colleagues are investigating whether the good delayers are richer, too.

Now Mischel is an octogenarian and freshly wants to make sure that the nervous parents of self-indulgent children don’t miss his key finding: “Whether you eat the marshmallow at age 5 isn’t your destiny. Self-control can be taught.”

Three Areas of Self-Control for our Kids:

Sitting still, waiting in line, taking turns — we all use self-control in ways that may seem simple. But self-control is a complex skill that develops over time. Kids start building self-control when they’re very young and keep developing it into their 20s.

As kids get older, they develop self-control in three areas:

• Movement control so kids aren’t constantly moving in inappropriate ways (called hyperactivity)
• Impulse control so kids put on “mental brakes” and stop and think before doing or saying something
• Emotional control so kids can keep going even when upsetting or unexpected things happen

Having self-control helps kids in all areas of life. But it’s especially important when it comes to socializing. Being in control of their actions and reactions helps kids fit in and make friends. 

How Do We Help our Kids Learn Self-Control?

Preschool

Give a heads-up.

Let kids know what to expect in a situation — and what’s expected of them. For example: “My friend and her son are coming to visit. You might need to let him play your video games, so put away any that are special.”

Help identify feelings.

When kids can recognize feelings before they get out of control, it can help prevent outbursts. Say things like “You were really mad when I said you couldn’t play the game right now.”

Make a “break” space.

Create a special, quiet place where kids can go when they get upset. You can even agree on a signal kids can use when they need a moment to calm down.

Teach phrases that build self-control.

Give kids language to use that shows self-control. Teach phrases like “I’ll wait my turn,” “I can share it with you,” and “I’d like it now, but I’ll wait until later.” Sometimes just saying the words can help put the brakes on impulsive behavior.

Talk in a calm voice.

Avoid showing emotion or matching kids’ tone of voice. Try to keep your voice steady and calm, even if they’re yelling.

Elementary School

1. Help kids avoid temptation: Out of sight, out of mind

High-functioning adults have been known to lose their will-power at the sight of a doughnut. So one of the most important tools for maintaining self-control is to change the environment (Duckworth et al 2016). Keep temptations hidden!

For young children, this might mean putting away a toy that is likely to cause conflict during a playdate; or avoiding the sweets aisle of the grocery store when you are shopping together.

2. Create an environment where self-control is consistently rewarded

Let’s circle back to the “marshmallow test.” As we noted, preschoolers were given the choice between eating one treat now or two treats later, and the kids who demonstrated the greatest capacity to wait ended up, in subsequent years, with better outcomes. They performed better on scholastic achievement tests, were more likely to finish college, and less likely to develop substance abuse problems.

But when Celeste Kidd revisited this research, she wondered how much depended on a child’s expectations.

If experience has taught you that adults don’t keep their promises, or that institutions don’t enforce the fair allocations of rewards, why should you wait patiently for a hypothetical prize?

Kidd tested her idea in a landmark experiment (which I detail here), and the results bore her out. It only took a couple of disappointments to undermine children’s willingness to delay gratification (Kidd et al 2011).

Subsequent studies confirm that our willingness to wait depends on how we weigh the risks and benefits.

Adults opt for immediate gratification when they have reason to distrust the person promising to deliver a future prize (Michaelson et al 2013).

And even two-year-olds have resisted the temptation of cookie – when the rewards for waiting were sufficiently high (Steelandt et al 2012). 

3. Support young children with timely reminders

It’s hard to stick with the program if you don’t remember the rules, and young children have more trouble keeping our directions in mind. They are easily distracted. So it’s helpful to remind young children about our expectations.

In recent experiments by Jane and Yuko Munakata (2015), three-year-olds were asked to perform a simple task requiring impulse control:

Open a box to get a prize, but after you’ve been given the correct signal. If you see a blue square, that means go ahead. A red triangle means leave the box alone.

What’s the best way to coach children for such a task?

The researchers tested two different approaches, and found that one was clearly superior.

When an adult reminded children of the rules just before each trial, kids were more likely to check their impulses.

By contrast, giving children a few seconds to stop and think — without any reminder — had no such effect.

4. Give kids a break

Kids benefit when we allow them downtime — breaks from following directions and working hard.

Why? Studies show that people don’t maintain the same levels of self-control over time. If you give them two, demanding tasks to complete — one immediately after the other — people usually show less self-control during the second task.

There are at least two possible reasons for this. One popular account is that self-control gets used up during the day. We literally lack the energy to keep going.

Another account, proposed by Michael Inzlicht and his colleagues (2014), is that our brains are designed to seek a kind of balance between drudgery and seeking out easy rewards.

A creature who sticks with the same old work routine, never taking a break, is apt to miss important changes in the environment. By taking time out to play and explore, we increase our chances of discovering profitable new opportunities.

Whichever account is correct, the upshot is the same: If you ask a child to go straight from one unpleasant duty to the next, self-control is likely to suffer.

Giving kids a break can help them re-charge, and it’s also a good way to learn. Studies suggest that kids learn faster when lessons are shorter and separated by some downtime (Seabrook et al 2005).

5. Turn “must do” tasks into “want to” tasks

A student who won’t cooperate in the classroom might seem like the poster child for poor self-regulation. But give him his favorite set of Legos or a beloved video game, and he’s all focus, persistence, and drive.

He doesn’t lack self-control. He lacks motivation. He needs to find enjoyment in the things he’s asked to do, and that’s where he needs our help.

Savvy adults know how to get psyched up for an assignment – how to find ways to get personally interested, or to combine work with a bit of pleasure.

They also know that approaching a task as if it’s a nasty chore always makes things worse, even if it is, in fact, a nasty chore.

But children have a hard time figuring all this out, especially if adults are themselves modeling the wrong attitude.

Turning a chore into a game takes time and energy. Discovering the right hooks to get kids interested may require a lot of patience, observation, and flexibility. But as many successful teachers and therapists know, it’s an investment that pays off.

And it may be the key to beating “self control fatigue” (Inzlicht et al 2014). It’s much easier to plow through a pile of homework when you’ve learned to find at least some of it enjoyable.

6. Instill the right mindset for tackling challenges and learning from failure

Many people think of intelligence and talent as “gifts” that we inherit and can’t improve upon. When these people fail, they feel helpless and give up.

By contrast, people who believe that effort shapes intelligence and talent are more resilient. They are more likely to take on challenges and learn from their mistakes.

We can help kids develop this sort of resilience and determination by being careful with our feedback.

Experiments show that praising kids for general traits (“You’re so smart!”) makes them adopt the wrong mindset. So does general criticism (“I’m disappointed in you”).

What works better is praise for effort, and feedback that encourages kids to try different strategies (“Can you think of another way to do it?”)

Middle School

1. Set the scene.

Some tweens and teens react badly because they don’t know what to expect in certain situations. Or, just as important, they might not be sure what’s expected of them.

Fill your child in ahead of time if something is going to be boring or unpleasant. You can say things like: “This Saturday I want you to help clean out the garage. This should take until about noon. But after that you can go hang out with friends.”

2. Name their feelings.

Having the words to explain their emotions helps kids feel more in control. It can also help them recognize feelings before they act on them. Gently point out your child’s behavior, and the emotion behind it:

• “I’ve heard a lot of doors slamming today. Can I ask why?” (Focusing on what you see or hear, rather than what your child did or said—for example, “Why are you slamming doors?”—can make the situation feel less like a blame game.)
• “I’m seeing lots of sad expressions today. I’m wondering if it has anything to do with the test scores. Do you want to talk about it?”

3. Model self-control.

This can take real commitment on your part. But when kids see the adults in their lives showing self-control, they’re more likely to do the same.

For example, if you get a parking ticket, count to 10 until the impulse to lose your temper passes. Can’t find your wallet and now you’re late taking the kids to school and going to work? Take a breath and ask out loud where was the last place you had it.

By doing this you’re not only modeling self-control. You’re problem solving, too.

4. Suggest cool-downs.

Encourage your child to take a break in stressful situations. For example, if your child is getting angry about tricky homework or chores and starts yelling at you, try not to yell back.

Instead, suggest that you both step away until things have cooled down. (An angry child hears no one. You’ll also be modeling how to show patience.) Walking around the block or having a snack may be enough for things to calm down.

Breaking complicated tasks into smaller pieces also can help. For a writing assignment, suggest that your child brainstorm and jot down ideas. Then take a break before starting the drafting process.

5. Praise the effort.

When you see your child showing self-control, say it out loud. A simple statement can motivate a kid to continue the good behavior. 

For example, if your child practices the piano instead of doing something more fun (like hanging out with friends), you can say “I know you wanted to get together with your friends. You should be really proud you finished practicing and figured out a way to see them tomorrow.”

Telling your middle-schooler you appreciate the effort not only gives a confidence boost. It’s also a way of showing respect—something tweens often crave from their parents.

High School

High school is a time of firsts. First time behind the wheel. First job. First college interview. It’s an exciting time. But it can be stressful for kids who have trouble with self-control, and for you, too.

Gaining control over emotions and impulses is a process for all kids. And it continues into early adulthood. For some kids, though, it takes longer to get there.

“Giving voice to emotions helps teach your teen to recognize difficult feelings before acting on them.”

Teens who have trouble with self-control might need extra help to learn to stop and think, and then act. Try these tips for helping high-schoolers gain self-control.

Lay out clear expectations.

Because of their busy schedules, teens may get anxious or angry if they feel like chores or events are sprung on them. Try to fill in your child ahead of time if something they might not want to do is coming up.

• “SAT prep is next Thursday. You’ll have to miss your drum lesson, but you can take a make-up lesson on Saturday.”
• “Please have the car back at the house by 4:00 tomorrow. I need it to pick up your sister.”
• “If it snows on Tuesday, Grandma will need you to shovel her walk. We’ll look at the weather again on Monday to see if you’ll need to head over after school.”

Acknowledge emotions.

Many high-schoolers have the language skills to tell you how things make them feel. Help your child use those words to gain more control over actions and reactions. Giving voice to emotions helps teach your teen to recognize difficult feelings before acting on them.

• “It seems like that coach’s call made you frustrated. Do you want to talk about that?”
• “She said no? That sounds really disappointing.”

Set an example.

You’re still a role model for your teen, even if it doesn’t feel like it most days. When kids see their parents or caregivers showing self-control, they’re more likely to do the same.

If you’re dealing with a crashing computer, for instance, talk through possible fixes. It helps to see that you’re staying in control instead of blowing your lid.

Ask your child for solutions, too. When teens come up with their own strategies, they often feel more invested in the project or goal.

Catch your teen using self-control.

When you see your teen thinking before acting out of emotion, acknowledge it out loud. Say that you respect and appreciate the effort. This kind of positive reinforcement helps kids think of themselves more positively. It also helps them build confidence that they can control their behavior in the future.

• “I was proud of you when you walked away from your brother earlier. I know his teasing can make you mad.”
• “I know you’d rather be at practice right now, but your aunt’s birthday party means a lot to her. Thanks for coming with me.”
• “I liked the way you accepted that criticism at your art show. It can be hard to hear feedback, but you were very gracious.”

Adventures in Odyssey by Focus on the Family is a great audio series to help put flesh and bones on biblical principles for your kids. They have several episodes that teach self-control including:

The Fruit of the Spirit series

Fast as I can episode (about fasting, which is definitely about self-control)

The Secret Keys of Discipline episode