This is the fifth episode in our series called Cultivate. We are always saying that it’s so much better to elevate what you are looking for in your children (the virtues!) rather than squashing what you don’t want (the vices!). With that in mind, we thought we’d take some time to talk about how you can cultivate character in your kids through the years.
This week, we’re talking about patience!
Good things come to those who wait.
A watched pot never boils.
Rome wasn’t built in a day.
We must learn to walk before we can run.
We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world. -Helen Keller
The two most powerful warriors are patience and time. -Leo Tolstoy
So, let’s talk about the What, Why, and How of PATIENCE.
What is patience?
Some common definitions for patience include bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint; manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain; not being hasty or impetuous; being steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity. The word actually comes from the Latin root that means “suffering.” (As in, a patient in a hospital)
Patience is a learned skill. (We’ll get to that part soon!) But it’s helpful to realize that kids must perfect several skills (including overcoming distraction, emotional regulation, delaying gratification, etc.) before they can successfully wait.
We don’t want to frustrate them, but we want to work with them in age appropriate and developmentally appropriate ways to help them learn patience. For example, an infant will not be reasoned with or patient when wet or hungry, but our toddlers can wait a few minutes to be assisted with finding a snack. As our children grow and develop, so does their ability to communicate.
And let’s face it. We moms face situations that try our patience on a daily basis: the kids are climbing the walls, you’re stuck on hold with customer service, and the WiFi is painfully slow. When times are hard, it’s even more difficult to persevere with a good attitude. Sometimes that “Keep Calm and Carry On” poster isn’t enough to get your mind right, and you need to turn to a more reputable source: the Bible. The Good Book has a lot to offer on the topic.
“Hot tempers cause arguments, but patience brings peace.” Proverbs 15:18
“Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; it is not arrogant.” 1 Cor 13:4
“You also must be patient. Keep your hopes high, for the day of the Lord’s coming is near.” james 5:8
“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” Romans 12:12
“Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.” Proverbs 14:29
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” Colossians 3:12
Why is patience worth cultivating?
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/four_reasons_to_cultivate_patience
1.Patient people enjoy better mental health.
This is probably easy to believe if you call to mind the stereotypical impatient person: face red, head steaming. And sure enough, according to a 2007 study by Fuller Theological Seminary professor Sarah A. Schnitker and UC Davis psychology professor Robert Emmons, patient people tend to experience less depression and negative emotions, perhaps because they can cope better with upsetting or stressful situations. They also rate themselves as more mindful and feel more gratitude, more connection to others and a greater sense of abundance.
- In 2012, Schnitker sought to refine our understanding of patience, recognizing that it comes in many different stripes. One type is interpersonal patience, which doesn’t involve waiting but simply facing annoying people with equanimity. In a study of nearly 400 undergraduates, she found that those who are more patient toward others also tend to be more hopeful and more satisfied with their lives.
- Another type of patience involves waiting out life’s hardships without frustration or despair—think of the unemployed person who persistently fills out job applications or the cancer patient waiting for her treatment to work. Unsurprisingly, in Schnitker’s study, this type of courageous patience was linked to more hope.
- Finally, patience over daily hassles—traffic jams, long lines at the grocery store, a malfunctioning computer—seems to go along with good mental health. In particular, people who have this type of patience are more satisfied with life and less depressed.
2. Patient people are better friends and neighbors.
In relationships with others, patience becomes a form of kindness. Think of the best friend who comforts you night after night over the heartache that just won’t go away, or the grandchild who smiles through the story she has heard her grandfather tell countless times. Indeed, research suggests that patient people tend to be more cooperative, more empathic, more equitable, and more forgiving.
Based on many studies, patient people even tended to be less lonely, perhaps because making and keeping friends—with all their quirks and slip-ups—generally requires a healthy dose of patience. “Patience may enable individuals to tolerate flaws in others, therefore displaying more generosity, compassion, mercy, and forgiveness,” write Schnitker and Emmons in their 2007 study.
On a group level, patience may be one of the foundations of civil society. Patient people are more likely to vote, an activity that entails waiting months or years for our elected official to implement better policies.
3. Patience helps us achieve our goals.
The road to achievement is a long one, and those without patience—who want to see results immediately—may not be willing to walk it. Think of the recent critiques of millennials for being unwilling to “pay their dues” in an entry-level job, jumping from position to position rather than growing and learning.
In her 2012 study, Schnitker also examined whether patience helps students get things done. In five surveys they completed over the course of a semester, patient people of all stripes reported exerting more effort toward their goals than other people did. Those with interpersonal patience in particular made more progress toward their goals and were more satisfied when they achieved them (particularly if those goals were difficult) compared with less patient people. According to Schnitker’s analysis, that greater satisfaction with achieving their goals explained why these patient achievers were more content with their lives as a whole.
4. Patience is linked to good health.
The study of patience is still new, but there’s some emerging evidence that it might even be good for our health. In their 2007 study, Schnitker and Emmons found that patient people were less likely to report health problems like headaches, acne flair-ups, ulcers, diarrhea, and pneumonia. Other research has found that people who exhibit impatience and irritability—a characteristic of the Type A personality—tend to have more health complaints and worse sleep. If patience can reduce our daily stress, it’s reasonable to speculate that it could also protect us against stress’s damaging health effects.
How do we help our kids develop patience?
1. Reframe the situation. Feeling impatient is not just an automatic emotional response; it involves conscious thoughts and beliefs, too. If a friend is late, you can fume about their lack of respect, or see those extra 15 minutes as an opportunity to do something while you wait. Patience is linked to self-control, and consciously trying to regulate our emotions can help us train our self-control muscles.
2. Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is a fancy way of saying you are learning to stay in the moment. In one study, kids who did a six-month mindfulness program in school became less impulsive and more willing to wait for a reward. The GGSC’s Christine Carter also recommends mindfulness practice for parents: Taking a deep breath, noticing your feelings of anger or overwhelm (for example, when your kids start yet another argument right before bedtime), and accepting how you are feeling in the moment can help you respond with more patience.
3. Practice gratitude. In another study, adults who were feeling grateful were also better at patiently delaying gratification. If we’re thankful for what we have today, we’re not desperate for more stuff or better circumstances immediately.
3. Speaking about delaying gratification… A skill required for patience is “delaying gratification,” which refers to a child’s ability to put off some instant reward or outcome for a later reward or benefit. Being able to delay gratification is a real-world skill. There are all kinds of situations where waiting and being patient pays off in the long run. And delayed gratification is associated with better quality relationships, higher education, career achievement (and subsequently higher financial stability in later life), and general improvements in wellbeing. Not demanding to have something NOW (think of all the good things we short circuit b/c we don’t want to wait – settling for porn instead of intimacy; eating junk food instead of preparing a meal…)
4. Show Them What Patience Looks Like
We are our children’s first teachers. If we expect patience from them, we must be able to show them what it looks like. Share with them the struggle or emotions that arise when you need to wait for something. Also, share with them how you will cope and manage this discomfort. This will allow them to see patience in action. MODELing patience with elderly; grandparents generally dole out patience by the bucketful, and in return kids learn to be patient with their slower steps, fumbling fingers, having to repeat things or speak louder…. If you don’t have grandparents nearby, there are tons of elderly residents who might love to be adopted!
5. Give Them Puzzles to Do
With a puzzle, they need to wait for the finished piece, so having lots of puzzles of age-appropriate complexity available is a great way to sneak in an opportunity to teach children patience during play!
6. Use a Timer for a Sense of Scale
For some children, having a definite sense of time to help them understand how long they need to wait will be helpful. This could be an egg timer, oven timer, or your phone for more immediate things, like taking turns with toys or games. Or perhaps even a calendar or weekly schedule so they can see the scale of how long they need to wait. Having a sense of the scale will help children and you guide the activities that might be more effective while waiting. (Fold your hands & get some self control; self control & patience seem to be cousins.)
7. Play Lots of Family Board Games
Playing board games is fun, and children get excited that they are having some family time. But they also must practice patience while everyone else has a turn and wait for their turn again. It’s a lovely way to sneak in quality time together as a family and flex those patience muscles.
8. Encourage Them to Save Money
If they earn pocket money, consider holding some aside for savings to teach your children patience. In my house, we give our daughter a set amount. Half is for her to spend now if she wants to, a quarter is for savings, and a quarter is to donate. Holding some money for savings will help them see that they can buy something even bigger or more special down the track. (benefits of delayed gratification)
9. Cook or Bake or GROW Something with Them
Nothing teaches delayed gratification like baking, cooking, and gardening. There are multiple steps your child will have to follow before they get to the reward of eating their delicious creation. Weeks or months may pass before you can pick the giant pumpkin in the garden. So, spend some time each week getting them to help you in the kitchen. Plant some bean seeds in a cup on the windowsill; not only are you teaching excellent life skills, but they are also practicing being patient.
10. Avoid Too Much Gaming or Access to Apps
I know it’s inevitable, and there is no judgment for using games and apps here, but limits are still necessary. They are addictive and are built to keep our kids scrolling and engaging with the content. This decreases their ability to delay gratification because they have instant access to things, or their brain is getting an instant chemical reward from all the bright colors and sounds or level-ups in a game. So, make sure that if you are allowing screens in your house, you monitor the types of activities and try to keep their use limited to age-appropriate timeframes.
11. Use reflective listening.
Young children don’t have the words to express what they’re feeling, but you can help verbalize those emotions. In the checkout line, you might say, “I know it’s hard to wait. This is taking a long time, but you’re doing a great job waiting.” Says Leiderman, “If you acknowledge your child’s struggle, he’ll naturally try harder.”
12. Keep expectations reasonable.
Asking your preschooler to wait an hour for food is just too long. At a restaurant, ask your server to bring bread or crackers as soon as you sit down, and have a book or quiet game handy to keep your child occupied.
13. Help develop strategies for waiting. When you must wait, help your child figure out what she can do to pass the time. Say, “What can we do while we’re waiting? Should we sing songs or read a book?”
14. Give them Information.
Instead of answering your child’s repetitive “are we there yet?” questions with a barking ”Soon!” or “We’ll get there when we get there!” answer with information. If you know about how long it will take, provide the number of hours or minutes to your child. If he or she doesn’t quite understand the concept of time, use something relatable to help them distinguish. For example, “Christmas is 12 sleeps away.” Or “The theme park is about one movie long away.” Or “It will take us about as long to get to Grandma’s house as it takes to finish one of your school days at Kids Village.”
Find creative ways to adjust your measurements to help bring numbers and time increments into relatable terms for your child.
15. Read stories about patience.
Waiting Is Not Easy! (An Elephant and Piggie Book) by Mo Willems (2014)
The Story: The slightly neurotic elephant Gerald and his eternally optimistic foil Piggie star in an extensive series of Early Reader books chronicling their escapades in various activities like learning to dance and throwing a ball. The characters are simple line drawings who speak in text bubbles, and a significant level of the delight in each book is in their expressions and interactions. In this book, Piggie has a surprise for Gerald, but Gerald has to wait all day to receive it.
Gerald begins his wait with initial excitement, then feigns indifference, fusses, complains, and in a few dozen words moves through the entire range of emotions that we experience when forced to wait. The conclusion of the book, though, is that some things are clearly worth the wait, and that’s a good reminder for kids (and adults) who must learn to live with patience.
Waiting by Kevin Henkes (2015)
The Story: In this Caldecott Honor book, toys sit on a windowsill and wait patiently for things to happen. Things do happen, but the real action of the book is in what the toys experience while they wait.
For Christians, our whole lives are, in some ways, a time between times: waiting for God’s leading, waiting for Christ’s return, waiting for our real lives to begin after death. This book is a sweet and gentle reminder that joy and meaning can be found amid in-between times.
We’re currently in the traditional church season of ADVENT, which is a season that exactly focuses on WAITING. Bonhoffer wrote “For the greatest, most profound, tenderest things in the world we must wait.” (carrying & growing a baby; sitting by someone’s last moments at the end of life; the diagnosis; the cultivation of a marriage or friendship; learning how God/prayer works; all of these things chiefly require just WAITING.) Waiting for Christmas morning (Emmanuel in Advent season) can be a great training ground for learning to wait.
Bible stories like Noah building the ark for 100 years, Abraham and Sarah waiting for their promised baby, or Joseph waiting in prison also teach valuable lessons in patience!
As we close, we’ll ask a couple of questions of you moms: How does your impatience manifest itself: Anger? Annoyance? Sarcasm? Judgment? Discontentment?
What’s the underlying reason for your impatience: Pride? Control? Comfort? Fear? Selfishness? Distrust?
Erik Raymond at Gospel Coalition writes: In 1 Corinthians 13:4 we read the profound and powerful words: Love is patient.
What does this mean? When we think of patience we may think of the word tranquil or peaceful. This is a good start for us. However, the word is nuanced a bit to involve some type of opposition or perhaps even suffering. This is important because it means that when the heat gets turned up around us or within us–we can take it. We don’t lash out, we don’t give up, we don’t lose it.
When we think about patience we have to think about God himself. He is said to be very patient when provoked.
- “The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.” (Psalm 103:8)
“The Lord passed before him and proclaimed, “The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness,” (Exodus 34:6)