This is our 8th episode in our Cultivate series, where we’ve been talking about how to cultivate character in your kids. It’s no fun (and actually less effective) to focus on squashing the behaviors you DON’T want to see in your kids instead of elevating the behaviors you DO want. It’s human nature for most of us to to focus on the negative, but whenever possible we want to catch our kids doing the RIGHT thing and praise them for it.
One of those behaviors is being gentle, (and it also happens to be one of the fruits of the Spirit listed in Gal 5:22) so in today’s episode we’re talking about cultivating GENTLENESS.
When we think of the word gentle, we might think of a mild breeze or a soft touch. Gentle came into English from Old French gentil, “high-born, noble.” It was an adjective indicating social status. A person of “gentle birth” was one who’d been born into the privileged classes. A “gentleman” behaves in a certain way. He is courteous in speech and in behavior. He protects the weak and is kind and generous in his dealings with people of lesser status.
Someone who’s gentle handles things with a calm, even-handedness.
Jesus is our model, as always! David Mathis explains it this way in a TGC article titled: No Meekness without Might: What we Learn from Christ’s Gentleness
It’s a stunning glimpse of divine judgment. A sixth seal is opened. The earth quakes, the sun goes dark, the moon turns to blood. Stars fall, and the sky is rolled back like a scroll. The earth’s kings and “the great ones and the generals and the rich and the powerful . . . hid themselves in the caves and among the rocks of the mountains” (Rev. 6:15).
“Fall on us and hide us from the face of him who is seated on the throne, and from the wrath of the Lamb, for the great day of their wrath has come, and who can stand?” (Rev. 6:16–17).
So terrified are they at “the wrath of the Lamb” that they call to the mountains and rocks to fall on them. They would rather be crushed to death than to face omnipotent wrath.
Did you do the double take? Excuse me, “the wrath of the Lamb”—the Lamb being Jesus Christ? How’s that? We know Christ to be gentle, meek and mild. Who would cower before him like this? Before God the Father, of course, we expect that. But Jesus?
Those of us who love that he is gentle and lowly need not be afraid to rehearse that his wrath is horrific. To know the sovereign power and unmatched strength of Christ—and the sheer terror of those who realize they have opposed him—will both keep us from misunderstanding his gentleness and make his remarkable gentleness all the more impressive.
Gentle and Lowly
We dare not minimize the portrait of Christ in Matthew 11:28–30 simply because many are at home with this emphasis today. This is a penetrating self-revelation from Christ himself—and all the more if he is sovereign and strong, and his wrath is terrifying:
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. (Matt. 11:28–30)
It’s no accident that these words have been greatly celebrated. Such an invitation, from such a person, is precious beyond words.
And his gentleness toward his people is all the sweeter as we learn what sovereign strength lies beneath it. His gentleness doesn’t replace his sovereign strength; rather, it cushions the application of his great power as he marshals it in service of his weak people.
In a day when we seem increasingly aware of the danger of other people’s power and strength, it’s vital that we see this in Jesus, and throughout Scripture. The answer to the dangers of strength isn’t its loss, but the godly exercise of power in gaining the Christian virtue called gentleness.
Phil 4:5 Let your gentleness be evident to all.
Matthew 11:29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart
1 Pet 3:15 Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.
Eph 4:2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
So, how do we foster gentleness in our children?
We model it ourselves. In general, moms are probably more “gentle” than dads can tend to be. Not in every family for sure! Plenty of moms wrestle, tickle, & can be tough disciplinarians. But on the whole, dads are bigger and stronger, more imposing and can be intimidating both physically and vocally.
Dads should take this into consideration with their children! It’s helpful to try to see how we might appear from a child’s POV. Imagine you’re 2, just tall enough maybe to knock your head into the bottom of the dining room table, and in walks this giant of a man with big feet and hairy legs. His voice is big and his laugh is loud. Your whole head can fit into the palm of his hand.
He’s exciting because he can throw you into the air and catch you, but he can be scary because he has a big angry voice and might not know his strength or how his hand feels when he grabs you by the arm.
Dads need to be careful to model gentleness to their kids—boys and girls. Soften their voices and their touch. Get down on their level and TOUCH them often with loving hugs and big safe embraces.
Mathis again: Take rain, for instance. Hard rain destroys life, but “gentle rain” gives life (Deut. 32:2). Violent rain does harm, not good. The farmer prays not for weak rain, or no rain, but for gentle rain. The means of delivery is important. We need water (to support and give life) delivered gently, not destructively and not too meagerly. Gentle doesn’t mean feebly but appropriately—giving, not taking, life.
So also, “a gentle tongue is a tree of life” (Prov. 15:4). Gentle doesn’t mean weak but fittingly strong, with life-giving restraint—giving something good not in a flood but in due measure. Or consider wind for sailing. A gently blowing wind answers a sailor’s prayer (Acts 27:13), while a violent wind spells trouble (Acts 27:18).
In the Old Testament, the virtue of gentleness is best seen in God himself, who “comes with might” (Isa. 40:10). How does he wield this “might” toward his people? Next verse: “He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young” (Isa. 40:11). Violence is the destructive use of strength (Isa. 22:17); gentleness its life-giving exercise.
Science proves that gentle, life-giving words actually have an effect on us at the biological, cellular level! Check out these experiments done on water crystals and rice plants by Dr. Masuru Emoto!
Strongest Men Are Gentle
When the apostle Peter contrasts good power with bad, just rulers with unjust, he describes noble leaders as “good and gentle” (1 Pet. 2:18). This is no celebration of puniness. The opposite of a crooked master isn’t a weak one—who wants the protection of a weak lord?—but “good and gentle.” We want gentle leaders, not weak ones.
We want leaders with strength and power not used against us but wielded for us. Which is what makes the image of a shepherd so fitting, and timeless, in both the Old and New Testaments. Sheep are manifestly weak and vulnerable. So they need shepherds who are good and will use their power to help them, not use and abuse them. We need strength in our shepherds, with the added virtue of gentleness.
Weak men are often preoccupied with feigning and talking about their strength. Truly strong men give their energy and attention not to parading their strength but to demonstrating gentleness to those in their care. They’re able to rightly exercise their manifest power for others’ good. Insecure men flex and threaten. Men who are secure in their strength, and the strength of their Lord, aren’t only willing but eager to let their gentleness show (James 3:13), and even be known to all (Phil. 4:5).
It should be no surprise, then, that Christ requires such of the leaders in his church (1 Tim. 3:3). Gentleness isn’t optional but essential in Christian leadership. “As for you, O man of God, . . . pursue . . . gentleness” (1 Tim. 6:11). True gentleness in the pastors not only gives life to the flock but also models for the flock how it can give life to the world (Titus 3:1–2). How different might our discourse have been in 2020 if our strongest voices had been gentle?
Moms may typically be the ones who kids seek out to kiss the boo boos and comfort when someone’s hurt their feelings. Moms/women have an easier time with gentleness (unless they grew up with a bunch of brothers maybe…depends on their childhood homelife!). But we, too, can be harsh with our kids. We all know the “mom voice” that we can bring out sometimes when we’ve had it up to HERE.
(THERE IS NO DANA; ONLY ZUUL….)
If that happens on a regular basis, it’s a good idea to give ourselves a time out to just breathe and remember we’re the adult. A calm answer turns away wrath. Our children almost NEVER hear us when we’re in that mode….and WE never feel great after the yelly loud mom takes over.
Demonstrate Gentleness in Concrete Ways
With little kids, they need to know what your words mean. It doesn’t do any good to just tell them to BE gentle if they don’t know what that looks like.
I can remember one of the earliest lessons we had with this was because we had pets in the house. A lot of people can relate…. The dog or cat manages ok until the toddler is mobile and can chase/grab/pick up or “pet” them. Great opportunity to use the word while demonstrating what it looks like.
We use gentle hands with the kitty. And you take their little hand and show them how to pet softly and lightly. The dog likes gentle pats.
Same is true for when that new baby brother or sister comes home. There’s that initial sense of “yikes” because you want big sister to hold and love the newborn but the baby has those soft spots in his head and those interesting blinky eyes…. Then the toddler loses interest and hops up from the couch with baby on her lap!
Gentle hands and gentle voice can be demonstrated and practiced a LOT with babies! Then, you get to practice it even more as that sibling relationship continues.
When they’re a bit older, you can ask them questions after a sibling issue. How could you have been more gentle? Show me how you can be gentle with your sister when you play outside.
A houseful of boys will learn this lesson repeatedly!
- How to be Gentle to GIRLS is a great lesson dads can teach their boys. They can demonstrate how they’re gentle with mom (especially if mom has a baby in her tummy). How we don’t jump on mommy etc…
Also how to be gentle to sisters. How boys treat girls differently than other boys. Maybe this is controversial these days? Not sure if it is or not, but controversy doesn’t make it not true or advisable!
An old saying: A man should never strike a woman, not even with a flower. (I suppose there might be an exception in the case of self defense, but that’s not generally the way things play out.)
All those examples had to do with physical gentleness, but there’s also a verbal aspect to being gentle.
Yes, tone of voice, but also the type of response we give others.
Is there a lot of sarcasm in your home? Jibes or ribbing “just for fun”? Insults? Derision? Baiting? Escalated arguments? Swearing/cursing? How do you respond to people online?
Keep an eye out for this sort of common language and conversation. It doesn’t display gentleness.
Usually if all these ways of speaking are common, you’ll find one of 2 things has probably happened:
- You’re modeling this yourself with your spouse and/or others
- Your family is watching a lot of this on TV/you tube, etc. and it’s getting copied
- You’ve probably allowed your kids too many verbal freedoms early on. It may have started out with correcting you in one way or another, or inserting themselves into an adult conversation, or elevating themselves to you at a peer level.
Our voices/speech are a privilege and when we misuse them, we can lose that privilege. Or have a consequence for each occurrence. Ask your children to try again when they speak to one another or you in an unacceptable way.
Foster gentleness instead of harshness in your family in speech and in physical ways. As Christians, Christ is our example. It was His gentle heart that drew children & others to Him. God is also repeatedly and consistently gentle with us.