This is part of our series called Cultivate. We are always saying that it’s so much better to elevate/cultivate what you ARE looking for in your children (the virtues!) rather than squashing what you DON’T want (the vices!). With that in mind, we thought we’d take some time to talk about a few of the virtues you can cultivate in your kids through the years.
This week, as we approach Christmas (which kids hear as PRESENTS, PRESENTS, PRESENTS!!!), we’re talking about generosity.
One definition of the word is: the quality or fact of being plentiful or large. I love this image. It conveys a sense of being unlimited, overflowing. Exactly like our Father—full of grace, bestowing gifts without restraint, eager to give and bless.
We’ve just had Thanksgiving holidays here in the US, and maybe a typically American image of generosity might be a “helping” of something. You know how it is during the holidays when your plate is full because you’re trying to sample some of everything. And your Grandma or maybe your Mom steps in and gets a big spoonful of mashed potatoes to serve you. We’d call that a “generous helping of potatoes.” Or a generous slice of pie after that. You get the picture. Bigger than needed. More than necessary. Over and above.
That’s the virtue we want to cultivate in ourselves and our children. Why?
Because God tells us to be generous:
Luke 6:38: Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.
2 Cor 9:6 & 7: The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.
Luke 21:1-4 Jesus looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the offering box, and he saw a poor widow put in two small copper coins. And he said, “Truly, I tell you, this poor widow has put in more than all of them. For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.”
Malachi 3:10 Bring the full tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. And thereby put me to the test, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you a blessing until there is no more need.
Why does God want us to be generous? His commands are always for our good! There are physical and social benefits to generosity…
- Giving makes you feel happy. Your brain’s pleasure circuits are stimulated by acts of charity and release “good feeling” chemicals such as endorphins, which give you a sense of euphoria, and oxytocin, which promotes tranquility and inner peace, serotonin, which is a mood-mediating chemical, dopamine, a feel-good chemical, and oxytocin, a compassion and bonding chemical.
- Giving is good for your health. Stress is the catalyst for many known health issues. Giving has been proven to decrease blood pressure and reduce stress. Supportive interaction with others also helps people recover from coronary-related events. This reduction promotes longer life and better health.
- Giving promotes social connection. Studies show that when you give to others, your generosity is often continued down the line to someone else, or returned to you. This strengthens our ties to each other.
- Giving is contagious. When one person gives, it inspires others to do the same. (The fast food line pay-it-forward example)
Giving out of our abundance reminds us to be grateful (see previous podcast on cultivating gratitude). Giving out of our lack (like the widow in Lk 21 above) is an act of faith and courage. I think gratitude and generosity may be cousins. When we freely share, it’s out of a sense of abundance (of what WE’VE been given) and a trust that we won’t be left without. (Somehow, the loaves & fishes will multiply!)
Generosity is an important social skill because it helps us to be more empathetic, build positive relationships, make responsible decisions, and be involved in our communities.
CONCEPT OF SHARING
If you have more than one child, you’ve already recognized that generosity, or SHARING isn’t always easy for kids. According to research, this is a result of the impulse control part of the brain being underdeveloped. Kids can be like the famous seagulls in the movie Finding Nemo: MINE, MINE, MINE…
I think we’ve mentioned on our podcast before that demanding that our kids share maybe isn’t the best approach to teaching this skill—and it is a learned behavior. With toddlers, everything in their realm is potentially in the MINE category. We have to teach them repeatedly that some things (many things) are NOT: the knife drawer, Granddad’s glasses, what’s in my purse, what’s under the bathroom sink, what’s in the dog dish, what’s on your neighbor’s plate at dinner time, … This extends to the toys, special objects in your sister’s room…
Some things we have in common in a household, and some things may be special, or off limits for safety reasons. We all have a “dominion sensor” that can be violated and should be respected…. While you may love having others over and want to be the house all the kids feel comfortable in, in general, you don’t want your kids’ friends to come in and freely rummage through your nightstand! There’s a sense of respecting others’ property & privacy.
So you teach your kids to ASK one another before grabbing or using things that belong to someone else. And, if an older child doesn’t WANT to share right that minute, I think it’s ok to let them see how that feels… talk about it later. How does it feel when you share? How does it feel when you keep all your toys to yourself? Often, if they’re not being COMPELLED to share, older children will do so willingly when they’ve been taught the concept. (When they do, praise them for their generosity & kindness!)
In the process of teaching the older one to share, you’re also teaching the younger one to respect the others’ property because people matter.
Joy Of Giving
Through books and reflection you can help your child understand what generosity looks like. The holiday season is an especially perfect time to reflect on how the spirit of joy is discovered when we give to others.
Children’s books like Little Robin’s Christmas (Jan Fearnley), or Pass it On (Sophy Henn). There are so many good ones that focus on the joy of giving. We had a whole basket of Christmas children’s books (they’d get one Christmas eve each year for awhile…) and we’d read a couple each day in the month of December.
Practice giving— bring your kids with you as you shop for an Angel Tree, donate coats or Toys for Tots, Samaritan’s Purse, or other charity. Our church (Renee) in Indianapolis had an adopt-a-kid drive for families in Haiti. We chose a girl for Emma and a boy for Houston. Put their pictures on our fridge, prayed for them, sent them gifts, all things they could tangibly do. After reading George Mueller’s biography we also prayed for God to help us give generously and He did! If you don’t know his story, get the book! He prayed in millions of dollars (in today’s currency) for the orphans, and never asked anyone directly for money.
Here, locally, we have the Journey Home for homeless and disadvantaged adults; other nursing homes have wish lists around the holidays for elderly without family nearby. Meals on Wheels. Lots and lots of opportunities to practice. Get your kids in on the giving. Pick out items together, wrap them, etc.
Talk about it during & after. Take stock of the abundance most kids in America live in, including, probably, yours. Talk about how our possessions are on loan to us to use for good and to share. What can they share? How can they give?
Do you have a spirit of abundance or a spirit of lack? We had to be very careful with money for many years. There just wasn’t a lot of wiggle room in our family budget. However, we tried to place the focus on God’s provision, not our lack. Some families who are in this situation, have what I call a spirit of lack. They think they can’t be generous because they don’t have “extra” or they are comparing themselves to others or they think shopping retail is somehow superior to finding that bargain at Goodwill or on FB marketplace or a yard sale. Live in a spirit of abundance! Pray over the grocery list before you go in the store! Pray for that item you need and ask God to help you find it!
Humility of Receiving Generosity
The flip side of being generous is receiving generosity. THIS was a hard one for me to accept. Several years ago, I was reflecting on why, when someone brought me a meal when I was sick or bought my lunch unexpectedly, for example, that I immediately began to think of what I could do for them.
This was not a reciprocal generous impulse. It was pride.
I didn’t want to be indebted to someone else, and God convicted me of that right then and there. The church is continually described as a body where we bear one another’s burdens, seek the good of others, make sacrifices for them, and basically do life together. I, however, wanted my independence. I didn’t want to feel like I owed anyone anything. Paul writes in Romans 13 that the only legitimate outstanding debt is the debt to love one another.
So, I had to repent of that and learn to accept others’ generosity.
FIRST FRUITS
This whole idea of giving “first fruits” was from a springtime Jewish feast (Lev, Deut). No grain was to be harvested at all until the firstfruits offering was brought to the Lord. It illustrates giving to God from a grateful heart, and it sets a pattern of giving back to Him the first (and the best) of what He has given us.
Prov 3:9-10 Honor the Lord with your wealth and with the firstfruits of all your produce; then your barns will be filled with plenty, and your vats will be bursting with wine.
Ezekial 44:30 And the first of all the firstfruits of all kinds, and every offering of all kinds from all your offerings, shall belong to the priests. You shall also give to the priests the first of your dough, that a blessing may rest on your house.
1 Cor 15:23 But each in his own order: Christ the firstfruits, then at his coming those who belong to Christ.
This great object lesson was demonstrated in a sermon once. The minister hauled a whole box of new potatoes up to the podium. He’d just dug them all from his garden the night before and the dirt was still fresh on them. He dumped them all out right up front and started picking through them as he spoke about first fruits…. He set aside a portion of them, the best ones, the ones with the fewest eyes, the ones without insect damage and weird gnarly bumps.
These, he said, would have been the first fruits. When we give, he said, in the spirit of generosity and cheerful giving, we are to give as if we’re setting a portion aside for God Himself (which we are). And let’s be reminded it was His in the first place. Same goes for when you get a big trunkful of bags, etc. to cart off to Goodwill. Don’t even put those raggedy work t-shirts in that bag. Don’t put your son’s stinky tennis shoes full of holes. Would YOU wear those? Don’t give something away that you wouldn’t wear yourself…you think you’re better than the folks needing something from Goodwill?
Demonstrate this and talk about this concept when you’re going through all those toys and outgrown clothes in your kids’ rooms. If the puzzle doesn’t have half the pieces, get rid of it, don’t foist it off on some child who you think isn’t gonna notice it. THEY’LL NOTICE. Give them some first fruits.
FAIR/NOT FAIR
Your kids ever say this to you? That’s not fair! It’s usually accompanied by a distinct TONE.
This is a great opportunity to demonstrate generosity! Talk about how FAIR is not the same as EQUAL.
Siblings often want to weigh & measure portions so each one is EXACTLY the same, because it’s obviously evidence that mom might love your brother more if he got the cupcake with a teaspoon of extra icing.
Fair actually is a measure of JUSTICE. So, it’s fair if your brother gets extra dessert as a surprise reward for taking out the trash, when YOU were floppy and rolling your eyes when asked to do it.
We always talked about the ways fairness worked in reverse. How is “fair” working in your favor in most cases? Is it fair that you can run when your friend at school is in a wheelchair? Is it fair that it’s easy for you to read when dyslexia makes it a struggle for your sister?
Fairness is not part of the generosity equation. Generosity is the opposite of fair—it’s giving freely and cheerfully over and above what’s “due”. God throws all the “fairness” talk out the window. When you hear the “it’s not fair” refrain a lot, go back to teaching/modeling/encouraging generosity.
The ugly, unspoken sentiment of complaints about “fairness” is entitlement. Remember the Veruca Salt character in Charlie & the Chocolate Factory? She’s demanding a goose that lays golden eggs. She’s pouty and spoiled: I won’t talk to you ever again! You’re a rotten, mean father! You never give me anything I want! And I won’t go to school till I have it!
Entitlement is all about ME and what I deserve to have. Generosity is all about someone ELSE and what I can give to THEM.
Our job as parents & in a lifetime process of following Christ’s example is to have the second worldview/perspective. We need to work on that in ourselves & let it overflow GENEROUSLY to our kids!
Are we opening (sharing) our homes regularly? Are we giving to our church? When we hear of a need, do we contribute in some way (time, talent, money, possessions)?
Christ came so we could live life ABUNDANTLY, not with a stingy, miserly scrunched up scowl, clinging to things with suspicious desperation.
Another expression of generosity is having a generous spirit. Being quick to forgive, slow to condemn, kind, forbearing. Giving one another benefit of doubt. Showing grace/mercy.
We talked about Christmas being a great season to practice generosity with material things & giving of time, for example, but it may also be a great practice field for this generosity of spirit, too. When you’re around a houseful of relatives or a company party….. when you’re fighting the crowds and parking lots…. When there are one too many events on the calendar and your spouse works late again….
Generosity can come easier for some temperaments than for others. The standard remains the same.
Take the long view…. Work on generosity AFTER the presents have been opened just as much as leading up to the holiday.
We’ll close with a quote from George Mueller: The Christian should never worry about tomorrow or give sparingly because of a possible future need. Only the present moment is ours to serve the Lord, and tomorrow may never come…Life is worth as much as it is spent for the Lord’s service.