If you’ve listened to enough of our podcasts you have a pretty good idea of our philosophy and where we’re coming from after having raised our own kids into adulthood and taught parenting classes for decades.
A parent’s goal should be to raise confident, faithful children who understand how society works and their place in it.
In 2025, when it has become normative to talk about mental health and when counseling/therapy are no longer taboo or stigmatized as they may have been in past generations, parents are becoming more aware of the origins of their own tendencies in parenting.
Families pass on beliefs, values, and behaviors, positive and negative. It’s as if we learn these things in a “native language” like English, say. Then, when we’ve got our own children and we realize thru some self awareness that maybe angry yelling or sullen withdrawal and withholding love AREN’T the healthiest ways to be in relationships, we learn to behave differently—speaking Japanese, say.
In moments of stress or a lot of chaos and conflict, we tend to automatically revert to our “native language” unless we’ve learned how to pause & remember how to do better.
This whole awareness and cycle breaking is good and healthy. We’ve done it ourselves, admittedly coming somewhat late to the game.
What we see in some “conscious” or “gentle” parenting is taking this awareness & emotional regulation a step further, maybe even overcorrecting as the pendulum swings between generations.
While we’re learning how to recognize unhealthy reactions & dysregulation in ourselves, there’s nothing wrong with also teaching these skills to our children when they’re old enough.
Some parents tend to want to stop there, however, reluctant to assume any sort of authority over their child. Teaching your child to name their emotions, use their words instead of having meltdowns, ask for help, or speak up if they’re uncomfortable in a situation is good.
AND… we have to remember these little people are CHILDREN, not LITTLE ADULTS. While they’re learning emotional regulation skills, they are developmentally, experientially different from adults. They’re less morally & mentally mature. Very young children are not morally capable of having a choice in every decision/situation. Giving them endless choices creates anxiety and insecurity and an upset in the authority structure that is parent & child.
They may THINK THEY WANT AUTONOMY but they NEED someone older & wiser to be flying the plane! Autonomy is a strong desire in young children, but it is not a need.
(Dr. Becky Kennedy gives this great analogy.) If your plane is having massive turbulence & you feel out of control, the last thing you need is for the pilot to look back into the cabin: I know you’re feeling disappointed and scared. What do you think we should do to land the plane? Do you want to call the tower? Do you want to check the engine?
NOR do you want a pilot who screams over the intercom: EVERYONE SIT DOWN & KNOCK OFF THE SCREAMING! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LAND THIS PLANE WHEN YOU”RE ALL ACTING LIKE IDIOTS?! (That’s terrifying too….sheesh, the pilot is just as out of control as I feel!)
You want a pilot who knows what she’s doing and who’s not afraid to take control of the situation. It makes you feel secure & that things are going to be ok. I know you’re scared & this turbulence isn’t great, but I’ve landed 1000 planes and this one’s going to land safely too. Buckle your seatbelts and do what I tell you and we’ll all be ok.
Our aim is to be STURDY parents. Not rigid, where nobody’s heard & feelings are always dismissed, not floppy where the child’s emotions run the show and the household.
Of course children deserve respect as human beings made in God’s image. Of course we would never advocate forced child labor or abusive treatment just because we’re bigger than they are and more powerful.
Gentle or conscious parenting advocates imply that imposing restrictions, discipline, or requiring obedience from a child is a POWER PLAY of adults OVER a child, but that’s not what authoritative parenting is about AT ALL.
We recently (Nov 2024) aired an episode about the difference between punishment and discipline. This nuance may have been where the semantics in our latest episode about conscious parenting failed to communicate.
Parents who simply punish a child for wrong or unpleasant behavior miss the mark. Yes, you might get outward compliance (which the gentle parenting camp says will produce rebellion & resentment down the road), but you will not be getting to the child’s heart.
Our goal is their hearts. We want them to know and love virtue for its own sake. To have an initiative and moral character that sticks with them even when no one’s watching or directing them toward it.
In our earlier episode, we compared it to a child having a painful splinter in his hand. He’s upset. Crying. Emotional. (the splinter here is a metaphor for some foolishness or character flaw that needs correction)
An authoritarian parent might respond by bringing down the ax and cutting off the tip of the finger to get rid of the splinter once and for all. Done! Guess you’ll never do THAT again! (Our tone, our body language, our hands are not models of love but rather “I’ll show you who’s boss” example).
OR, a gentle or conscious parent might respond by getting on the child’s level and talking it out. I know that splinter’s hurting you. I know it’s disappointing, and you wish it would stop being painful. I get it. I’ve had painful splinters before, too…. Should we have a family meeting and you can tell us why you wanted the splinter in there and what we should do? The emotions are heard and validated. The child may feel a connection. But the splinter remains in his hand.
The authoritative parent…the role WE believe parents should try their hardest to play…would say (much like God says to us): Give me your hand. I know it hurts; I’ve had painful splinters before, too. Hold still. We dig that splinter out, probing until the last bit is gone so it doesn’t fester. That’s involving some sort of CORRECTION or DISCIPLINE to ensure the child doesn’t go right back out to get more splinters. It may be painful but it’s not a POWER PLAY because we’re bigger. It involves conversation, explanation, and yes, perhaps some measure of pain, but it’s done with love and within a trusting relationship.
When children in China learn art, it’s very structured at first. They learn the basics first, how to copy lines and shapes, how to mix colors, how to shade. They copy the masters for years as they learn what art is and how it’s made. ONLY THEN, once they’ve demonstrated some mastery have they earned the right to branch out & try their own creativity.
With the pendulum swing between the generations of parenting we’ve also seen a similar swing between emphasizing UNIVERSAL vs the UNIQUE. Until very very recently in history, children have been taught obedience, restraining their own desires & the self in deference to another.
Schools and parents were most interested in helping children fit well into society where they could find community, contribute and thrive. Parents were acting as proxies for the real world and how the world works. That was seen as much more important than fostering individual identity. The unique parts of the individual could only be pursued ONCE A HIGH DEGREE OF SOCIAL SOPHISTICATION HAD BEEN ESTABLISHED.
Now, we’ve flipped that on its head and parents seem to be pursuing the UNIQUEness of their special child, expecting universal standards or expectations of society to bend to that. (Ask any college professor how frustrating it is to meet a classroom full of Janes and Johns who were raised this way. They’re fragile, unresilient, and in many cases unteachable.)
When they’re able to be obedient, they are teachable. When you have a teachable heart, it’s possible to fill it with wisdom, moral truths, shaping of strong character.
It’s also worth mentioning that these same children launched much earlier and much more capably than many kids in 2025. (Where adolescence has extended into the late 20’s, many young adults live at home or are estranged, and counselors report record high anxiety & depression/ self-absorption among young adults.)
We’re not called to just manage moods; we’re called to shepherd hearts!! That looks like faithful, intentional parenting rooted in truth. Not harsh. Not permissive. Not passive.
It is not oppressive to expect obedience or to tell your child “no”. It’s not unkind to correct foolishness. It’s love. Real love leads to repentance, not rebellion. It’s not about controlling behavior; it’s about discipling souls.
We’re about raising kids who know how to repent, not just regulate. Who know when their hearts need God.
(@ohheymeagan IG) Subtly, Christian parenting is being reshaped by therapy-speak & emotional buzzwords. It SOUNDS holy but it’s hollow.
“Your child isn’t giving you a hard time–they’re having a hard time.”
“Connection over correction.”
“Obedience isn’t the goal–relationship is.”
It SOUNDS kind but it quietly shifts the focus away from Scripture. Those messages aren’t ALWAYS wrong but parents can’t stop at validation.
Biblical love is BOTH/AND.
Grace and truth; connection and correction; comfort and discipline. Don’t affirm your kiddos into spiritual confusion. Don’t give the culture your home.
We can’t just comfort sin and not confront it. We can gently call out sin and point to Christ…
Our calling as parents isn’t to be popular. It’s to be faithful.
We’re called to obedience ourselves. Let’s bring our kids along with us. Relationship (connection) is a result of that obedience.