Renee, you always encourage parents and families to build a strong foundation with what they’re given. If mom or dad didn’t come from a healthy family dynamic, then start now. Do your work and build YOUR family on something better than you were handed.
YOUR kids can then build THEIR family on an even healthier foundation and a better legacy can be created.
Today we’re going to talk about that a little bit. What does it mean to “break the cycle?” That’s kind of become a catch phrase in certain circles as we as a society begin to be more comfortable talking about our brokenness or trauma and heal from things that may have happened in our past.
We’ve got a whole episode where we talk about Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE’s) and how some key factors in a child’s life can stay with them long into the future, affecting their relationships, success, proclivities, and health.
We’re not licensed counselors. But we are 50-something and have gone through some counseling ourselves and lived through a few phases of life.
What does it mean to be a cycle breaker?
A cycle breaker is someone who recognizes harmful or dysfunctional traits that exist in the culture of their family and decides to discard these traits and trade them in for something different. A lot of times, when someone steps up to do this, it may create a negative response in other family members, who’ve learned to be comfortable in the chaos that they know.
Maybe your family coped with stress or loss by misusing substances. Maybe it was “normal” to fly off the handle at someone in the name of “expressing yourself” but then never repair or apologize. Maybe your family had a pattern of retreating or withdrawing during conflict, leaving unresolved issues and feelings of abandonment.
Every family has its own fissures and learned or inherited ways of behaving. A lot of times we don’t even KNOW we are acting these out in our own lives until someone points it out to us.
When we know better, we can do better.
Those Little Voices
We all have an internal voice that was shaped (like it or not, intentionally or not) by our caregivers. If our parents frequently shamed us for behavior, that internal voice is likely to be critical, whispering things like “you’re not worthy,” “You’ll probably fail,” or “You’re a bad person.”
So here’s the important part. If that was all that happened, that would be enough. We’d carry around those messages (and more significantly, LIES) and let them influence our behavior and our relationships in big and little ways.
Maybe we don’t chase after our dream because “it’s probably not going to work out anyway.” Maybe we don’t ask someone we like to coffee because “they probably won’t like you, you’re not that great a person.”
But here’s the deal. When we become parents, these messages inside our own heads get louder. This is because our children trigger our own childhood wounds. Especially the kids who are most like us.
I hear a lot of moms talk about the moments of “mom rage.” These times that seem to whip up out of nowhere & before we know it, something small has set us off and we’ve become someone yelly & out of control. It’s just a 2 year old having a tantrum like a normal 2 year old. You’re the adult who needs to be demonstrating and teaching emotional regulation & you’ve lost your mind—or it feels that way.
Something in your child’s tantrum is triggering something in you.
Your teenager huffs into the room and throws his backpack and jacket on the floor, griping about his stupid homework. All of a sudden, you’re in his face about his disrespect and attitude and the look on his face that conveys sulky contempt.
Where did that come from? Something in your child’s demeanor is triggering something in you.
As parents, we can continue to pass along our own inner messages to the next generation and the next. We can continue to pass along our addictions or the ways we cope (or don’t) to our sons and daughters…
That voice turns into “I’m a bad parent.” “My CHILD is bad.” “When I struggle with something I don’t deserve gentleness and love and neither does he.”
The battles we refuse to fight, our kids will have to fight. If we don’t confront our insecurity, our daughters will. Your refusal to confront your lust passes that fight right along to your son. Your inability to break the cycle of divorce & addiction in your family means your kids will fight that battle. How many generations will the enemy claim in your family before you stand up and say ENOUGH? This is breaking the cycle.
TIME OUTS & CURIOSITY
When you feel your blood pressure spike, it’s time to take a time out & be curious for a minute. Walk outside or go to your room for a breather and calm down. Forget about what your child may be doing. Focus on what’s happening in YOU and ask the question: what’s going on here? Why is this so out of proportion?
Put your hand on your heart and remind yourself: I am 44 years old. I’m safe. I’m worthy. I’m allowed to be gentle and compassionate to myself.
Quiet the voices that by now are screaming what a bad parent you are. Counter them with the truth. You’re worthy of love NOW and you were worthy of love as a kid. Your own child is, too.
Try saying to yourself: this is my child, whom I love. He’s having a hard time. That reframes the situation from the tantrum or the attitude being a personal attack on you to being a situation where you can love them and help them express their needs and emotions appropriately.
GENERATIONAL STATIC CLING
How biology works. For about 5 months while you are in your mother’s womb, she is carrying all the eggs that have developed in YOUR ovaries. Your mother, in effect, gestates her grandchildren.
If there’s stress or trauma during that time (living thru war, hardship, loss, stress), her baby and the eggs that baby’s carrying are bathed in cortisol and adrenaline, and the DNA can actually change. This is what we now know as EPIGENETICS. Changes in gene expression—or the ways genes turn “on or off”. Events such as malnutrition, exposure to chemical toxins or drugs, and toxic stress before birth or in early childhood are not “forgotten,” but rather are built into the architecture of the developing brain through the epigenome.
Exodus 20:5-6
…I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, on the third and the fourth generations of those who hate me, but showing lovingkindness to thousands, to those who love me and keep my commandments.
Some translate this as “curses” going to the 3rd and 4th generation but blessings being bestowed for a 1000 generations. It’s not that God is vindictive and punishes children for the addictions or abuses of their parents…what if it’s just a statement of how biology works?
Our nervous systems store traumas because that’s how they’re meant to function to keep us alive. Our brains keep a record of threats (or perceived threats) so we’ll recognize them next time we see them and know to run & hide or protect ourselves.
Bessel van der Kolk’s book The Body Keeps the Score is a fascinating description of how this works.
So think about this example. If you have two young children and one of them turns 4 and is diagnosed with leukemia, that’s traumatic to the whole family. Everything in your mama system is attuned to your child’s survival. Now, the 4 yr old is now 6 and doing ok. The younger child, who was 2 at the time, is now about to have her 4th bday and you can’t understand why your temper is on a hair trigger.
Your entire nervous system is wired to panic when that kid turns 4 because of what happened before.
We talked about this some in our episode on Parenting when You’ve Lost Your Mom. Danielle Cunningham and I, having lost our mothers at early ages, are prewired with that trauma so that when our kids approach the age we were when we lost our mothers, we may be emotionally set off by things we see in our kids. Maybe it’s things we see them doing that we didn’t get to do. It’s just good to be AWARE of things like that in your life and AWARE to look for them around your kids so you’re not caught off guard or blindsided.
You may be blindsided anyway—grief can crop up unexpectedly in situations like that—but you can at least be curious and understand why it might be happening and adjust your reactions to your child’s emotions accordingly.
OTHER Generational Attachments
Dr. Bruce Lipton: Biology of Belief
The Biology of Belief: Unleashing the Power of Consciousness, Matter & Miracles (2005,
updated for 10th anniversary in 2015) by cell biologist Bruce Lipton explores the power
of the mind to influence health and well being. The Biology of Belief provides scientific
proof that debunks the notion of fixed genetic inheritance, or that genes create reality.
In fact, the beliefs people hold have a major impact on cellular function, potentially
increasing health and happiness, regardless of their genetic makeup.
For decades, mainstream biology has posited that genes are the major drivers in
controlling health. Under this premise, a woman whose parents both died of cancer is
more likely to also die from cancer. Yet this fatalistic view does not reflect reality.
Genetic predisposition does not have to lead directly to disease, as environmental
factors, including diet and toxicity, trigger gene expression. Epigenetics is the field of
study that examines the molecular structures by which the environment affects gene
activity. If people learn to create an environment in which their cells can thrive, negative
DNA traits are not expressed.
New Biology posits that all living beings are necessarily cooperative creatures. This
cooperative nature, which is at odds with the Darwinian view that life is essentially
competitive, begins on the individual level; each human being is a collection of
approximately 50 trillion cells that rely on one another for survival. Beginning at the
cellular level, living organisms thrive in loving, nurturing, and collaborative
environments.
In understanding the mechanisms of single cells, scientists have a window into how the
entire human body, itself a collection of cells, functions. If singular cells are controlled
by their response to the environment, so too are human beings. Studies have shown that
the nucleus, once thought to be the cell’s seat of intelligence, isn’t actually essential. The
cellular membrane acts as the brain of the cell, allowing in vital nutrients and
eliminating toxic waste. It’s the membrane that negotiates with the environment.
Thoughts, whether positive or negative, emit energy. The energy produced by thoughts
has the ability to strengthen or weaken physical health. As such, it’s imperative that
people learn various means by which they can take control of their thoughts. When
people are in charge of their thoughts, they are in charge of their life. In this view, nature
and nurture are subservient to the conscious mind, which is a powerful creator.
Traditional medical interventions are less effective than the human mind in creating an
environment for cells to flourish.
Through the lens of New Biology, life is seen as a collaborative experience, in which
people acknowledge their interdependence and consciously program their minds to lead
meaningful, healthy, and happy lives, for both their personal benefit and the benefit of
the planet. This cooperation is essential to evolution.
After a century of splitting science and spirituality, the time has come to develop faith in
a transcendent force that is responsible for every facet of life. This transcendent force
connects all beings and is the reason that life is a cooperative journey. Science supports
the linkages between science and spirituality. Embracing this essential connection is the
means by which human beings can live happier, healthier, and more peaceful lives.
The Biology of Belief: Unleashing the Power of Consciousness, Matter & Miracles (2005,
updated for 10th anniversary in 2015) by cell biologist Bruce Lipton explores the power
of the mind to influence health and well being. The Biology of Belief provides scientific
proof that debunks the notion of fixed genetic inheritance, or that genes create reality.
In fact, the beliefs people hold have a major impact on cellular function, potentially
increasing health and happiness, regardless of their genetic makeup.
For decades, mainstream biology has posited that genes are the major drivers in
controlling health. Under this premise, a woman whose parents both died of cancer is
more likely to also die from cancer. Yet this fatalistic view does not reflect reality.
Genetic predisposition does not have to lead directly to disease, as environmental
factors, including diet and toxicity, trigger gene expression. Epigenetics is the field of
study that examines the molecular structures by which the environment affects gene
activity. If people learn to create an environment in which their cells can thrive, negative
DNA traits are not expressed.
New Biology posits that all living beings are necessarily cooperative creatures. This
cooperative nature, which is at odds with the Darwinian view that life is essentially
competitive, begins on the individual level; each human being is a collection of
approximately 50 trillion cells that rely on one another for survival. Beginning at the
cellular level, living organisms thrive in loving, nurturing, and collaborative
environments.
In understanding the mechanisms of single cells, scientists have a window into how the
entire human body, itself a collection of cells, functions. If singular cells are controlled
by their response to the environment, so too are human beings. Studies have shown that
the nucleus, once thought to be the cell’s seat of intelligence, isn’t actually essential. The
cellular membrane acts as the brain of the cell, allowing in vital nutrients and
eliminating toxic waste. It’s the membrane that negotiates with the environment.
Thoughts, whether positive or negative, emit energy. The energy produced by thoughts
has the ability to strengthen or weaken physical health. As such, it’s imperative that
people learn various means by which they can take control of their thoughts. When
people are in charge of their thoughts, they are in charge of their life. In this view, nature
and nurture are subservient to the conscious mind, which is a powerful creator.
Traditional medical interventions are less effective than the human mind in creating an
environment for cells to flourish.
Through the lens of New Biology, life is seen as a collaborative experience, in which
people acknowledge their interdependence and consciously program their minds to lead
meaningful, healthy, and happy lives, for both their personal benefit and the benefit of
the planet. This cooperation is essential to evolution.
After a century of splitting science and spirituality, the time has come to develop faith in
a transcendent force that is responsible for every facet of life. This transcendent force
connects all beings and is the reason that life is a cooperative journey. Science supports
the linkages between science and spirituality. Embracing this essential connection is the
means by which human beings can live happier, healthier, and more peaceful lives.
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r%20genetic%20makeup.
OTHER Generational Attachments
Evidences of Curses
Deuteronomy 28:15-68 contains fifty-three verses listing generational curses. Here are just a few of
the symptoms of curses listed there:
~ Poverty
~ Hereditary disease
~ Divorce
~ Child abuse
~ Sexual abuse
~ Domestic violence
~ Alcoholism
~ Drug addiction
~ Immorality
~ Adultery
~ Perversion
~ Depression
~ Confusion
~ Fear
~ Indecision
~ Panic attacks
~ Mental illness
~ Suicide
~ Destructive attitudes and behaviors
Each of these can be, but are not always, the result of a generational curse, and most have their root
in idolatry and iniquity.
Many people, if not most, can identify some of these symptoms that have passed on from generation
to generation. How about you? When you look at your family tree, do you see a pattern of any of
these things?
Do you struggle with a particular sin and see a history of that sin in past generations? Maybe you’ve
been told that the depression or fear you deal with runs in the family or perhaps you struggle with
marital infidelity and can identify a pattern of affairs and divorce going back to a parent and
grandparent. These could be symptoms of a generational curse.
The good news is that generational curses can be stopped today!
Hebrews 9:22 tells us, “According to the law almost all things are purified with blood, and without the
shedding of blood there is no remission.” Here are two basic principles you need to know:
1) A generational curse comes through the blood line.
2) A generational curse can only be cancelled by blood.
It is all about the blood of Jesus Christ. In Romans 3:23-25 (NIV), we read, “For all have sinned and
fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by
Christ Jesus. God presented Him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in His blood. He did this to
demonstrate His justice, because in His forbearance He had left the sins committed beforehand
unpunished.”
To define “justified” in simple terms, you could say, “I’ve been made just as if I’d never done it.” This
is possible only because God presented Jesus as a sacrifice of atonement, or as Young’s Literal
Translation puts it, God set Him forth as a “mercy seat.”
Breaking the Curse
If you are living under a generational curse, it will be cancelled when you, through faith, appropriate
the blood of Jesus for your deliverance.
You can pray and make this your confession:
Thank you, God, that generational curses are broken through faith in the blood of Jesus. I put my faith in the
blood. I believe Jesus is my mercy seat and that His blood cancels the curse and breaks generational
iniquities. I believe, by the blood of Jesus, that the generational curse from the law is cancelled and broken
off my family now, in Jesus’ name. Thank you that sins, bondages and iniquities are cancelled and the curse
is stopped by the blood of Jesus. Thank you, God, that the blood of Jesus on the mercy seat is a barrier and
that a curse cannot pass the blood. Amen.
Choose Life and Blessing
We saw previously in Exodus 20:5-6 how God visits the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to
the third and fourth of generations, but did you notice the rest of that verse? It says that the blessing
goes, not only three or four generations, but up to a thousand generations – and the blessing is
much stronger than the curse!
How do we pass this blessing on to future generations? By loving God and keeping His commands –
and it starts by choosing life and blessing.
God, in Deuteronomy 30:15,19 says, “See, I have set before you today life and good, death and evil…I call
heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and
cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live.”
https://walkingbyfaith.tv/breaking-generational-curses/
GIVING GRACE
It’s worth remembering that there’s not a person alive who doesn’t need grace. That includes
you, when you mess up or aren’t so self aware.
That also includes your parents, when you’re looking backwards and getting curious about your
family genogram… We’re not talking about parents who blatantly abused their kids or who
were deliberately harmful… you may need to learn to forgive them, too, along the way as part
of YOUR OWN healing, but we’re talking about parents who tried even through their flaws and
limitations.
Our parents are just people, probably wounded people (since everyone is) doing the best they
can with what they have/know. Just because they were our parents or grandparents doesn’t
mean they knew or know everything.
It’s helpful to ask God to help you to see your parents as He does. In what ways are they
wounded? What are they afraid of? Why do they act the way they do? What are they reacting
to?
A lot of times, we need or wish our parents would love us more or in a certain way and THEY
TOO are hoping their kids will love them more or in a certain way. Yes, when we were kids,
they were the adults and should have “known better,” but often they didn’t or couldn’t. They
make mistakes. They’re doing what they’ve been taught or what they witnessed.
It’s easy for us to see what they lack, but we often might not see what they’ve overcome. Just
because they didn’t break ALL generational curses doesn’t mean they didn’t break ANY. We
need to love backwards and forwards.