This is the third in our series on birth order. We’re basing these on The Birth Order Book by Dr. Kevin Leman.
Does birth order matter? How does it work and can it change? We think that, in the interest of “knowing your child,” it’s worth looking at the dynamics that birth order brings into a family. Part of our personality/temperament is inborn, from nature (genetic), but other parts are derived from nurture—or the environment we were raised in and the people who raised us. That part is where birth order plays a role in shaping us.
We have a 4-part series on temperament (June 2022) and we’ve talked about learning your child’s gifts and talents in an effort to tailor the parenting to the child. Knowing your child’s motivations, weaknesses, and tendencies does make it easier to teach them, especially if your child has a different bent than you or your spouse.
In today’s episode, we’re talking about the LASTBORN CHILD or the baby of the family.
This has been a fun series. It’s given me (Bonnie) some insight about my siblings that I hadn’t considered before. And it’s made me look back at how we parented our two. How did our own birth order affect how we raised them? How did they turn out based on having each other as siblings in the order they arrived?
Our intent is never to pile guilt on parents or give you any more stress to deal with. So you shouldn’t feel bad about what you can or can’t give to each of your children. Your first born had more one on one time with you –that’s the way it works! But your last born will have had the most experienced, more confident parents. There are birth order trade offs, just by virtue of what happens in families naturally as they expand and grow.
The Baby
It’s possible to have more than one “baby” if you have an age gap of more than 5 yrs between children.
In our (Bonnie’s) family, as I’ve said, there was an 8 yr difference between the 3 older sibs and the 2 youngest. The 3rd child had the last born role for all of her formative years before the final last born arrived on the scene.
If you have a blended family, it’s possible to have more than one of different birth order roles as well.
What’s a typical last born characterized by? They’re generally carefree and lively, risk takers and competitive, entertainers and clowns. Eddie Murphy, Martin Short, Ellen DeGeneres, Whoopi Goldberg, Jay Leno, Stephen Colbert, Steve Carell, Billy Crystal, Drew Carey, Jim Carrey, Steve Martin….all are last borns. Interesting how comedians tend to be!
They’re affectionate, charming, outgoing, and uncomplicated. They can also be rebellious, spoiled, impatient, and manipulative.
They carry the curse of not being taken very seriously. They hear “you’re too little to….” They live in the potent shadow of those who were Born Before.
Especially in larger families, parents are older, have less energy to go round, and are way more relaxed and laid back about the whole parenting gig. Parents are “taught out” by the time the last born does all the “firsts” (first steps, tying shoes, etc.) so they may tend to let the last born shift for himself. They may pick most things up from their older siblings.
They’re suckers for encouragement. (Good thing to know as a parent!) “Atta boy!” or a high five means a lot to these kids.
Last borns never met a stranger. They can always make a friend. This works in their favor if they’re trying to get a certain restaurant table or talk people into something (great at sales!). But it can be a negative if they’re using this skill to “read” people to get something from them (manipulation) rather than really listening.
They live with some ambivalence… so they might feel on top of the world on Monday and down in the dumps on Tuesday. Comes from being coddled and spoiled one minute and put down and made fun of the next…
Because they have an attitude of “I’ll show them!” one major trait is persistence.
Getting in trouble is worth it if you got a laugh.
Parenting a Last Born
You’re at the end of your line and you see the light at the end of the tunnel, but with last borns, the mantra of “FINISH STRONG” is important!
Don’t let the reins go just yet because you’re tired.
Be aware that last borns are experts at the “set up.” They pester and bother older siblings until the older one can’t take it anymore and lets loose. THEN the lastborn dissolves into tears or goes to tell and the parent sides with the baby (“you should’ve known better…”).
Take a poll in larger families and ask the older siblings about the baby. The common refrain is, ‘Yeah, he got away with murder.”
If they’re not doing that, they’re trying to manipulate, clown or disturb someone’s peace.
They know they’re little and cute. They know their parents are all misty-eyed at them being the last one… so they’re not beyond using it. “Mommy, I can’t.” So Mom cuts their meat for them until they’re in high school. …
Babies are great at getting help with homework, often to the point where older siblings or parents do it for them. That’s if they’re showing up for school at all…or doing assignments like they’re supposed to. They’re probably more interested in fooling around and getting attention than listening to the teacher.
With last borns, you have to call their bluff. Letting them get away with the cuteness factor and getting you to do things for them isnt’ doing them any favors in life.
Pay attention to their firsts. It may not be YOUR first lost tooth, but it’s theirs.
Make sure they have their fair share of responsibilities around the house! This is good for your last born and it’s good for your first born (who typically shoulders more than their share).
Stats show the last born is least likely to be disciplined and least likely to have to toe the line the way the older sibs did. Keep track of how you held the others responsible and made them earn privileges and do the same for your last born. Bedtimes, curfews, privileges…all have to be earned, not just granted because the baby has picked things up quickly from the older sibs.
Ok, don’t coddle him, but don’t let him get dumped on either. You don’t want them to feel that “nothing I do is important.”
Last borns are generally known as the poorest readers in the family! They like being read to (attention!) but they will let you do the work if they can…so when they start reading, make them do the work.
Do a photo album or baby book for them.
Last Borns and Marriage
Maybe the best marriage combo is a last born and first born. They soften each other’s edges and can complement one another like no other pair, bring out each other’s best. As the last born, run things by your FB mate before scheduling & give him affection and affirmation. If youre the FB, be gentle in how you suggest correction and relax expectations.
If two last borns marry, it’s possible the electric bill won’t get paid. They’ll need to put some systems in place to keep their fun and spontaneity in check long enough to run the house.
LB plus Middle: Both specialize in friendships so you should have an active and vibrant friend group. Lots of hosting. Blend social interests and fun. LBs need to let Middles have some time in the spotlight too and ask for their opinion/feelings.
TWO-CHILD FAMILIES
These days, given the choice, fewer families opt for more than 2 kids.
Sometimes this can set siblings up for rivalries. It’s most intense in a 2-child family with 2 boys. (esp if there’s a less than 3 yr difference) Play to each child’s strengths. Individual attention moments.
Consider: 2 brothers learn how to interact with peers and other boys but might have little training in interacting with opposite gender. Mom (& a wise dad) needs to teach and model what women are about. Mom (even a middle child mom) needs to not get into power struggles and not take guff from them!
With 2 girls, it’s key for Dad to spend individual time with each of them.
Rivalry between 2 of the opposite sex is usually much less intense. Typically they have different toys, clothes, interests, etc.
Beware of labels!! Accept their differences. Don’t compare.
Parent according to the child: they earn privileges and responsibilities. Rivalries can start when little brother gets to do what big brother does b/c he CAN, not b/c he’s earned it. So FB gets a little later bedtime. They each have responsibilities.
Psalm 68:6 God sets the lonely in families.
Now that we’ve lived some life and have grown up ourselves AND raised kids who are grown and gone, we can appreciate sibling relationships past and present. It’s awesome to see your grown children CHOOSE to spend time together – without you! It’s awesome as a grown adult to be able to lean on your siblings when caring for an aging parent.
Yes, we still rib each other when we get together—but some of us have had some conversations about how this actually lands 20 yrs later & have intentionally stopped.
It’s common when families get back together for kids to revert to childhood roles. This may not always be welcomed, especially if you’re the last born child who’s now accomplished and out on her own as a successful adult or if you’re a 50 yr old middle child who bristles at the FB’s dictates.
Talk about it. Update your maps of each other.
Some good “going deeper” questions for adult sibs to ask each other:
What childhood memory do you think about often?
What’s your favorite memory of us?
What’s something you got away with as a kid?
What’s one thing you would change about our childhood?
Is there anything about our relationship you’d like to change?
What do you hope our future looks like?
Is there something you’d like to say to me but haven’t known how to?
What was your favorite game/activity we used to play as kids?
Do you remember embarrassing or funny moments from our childhood that still make you laugh?
Is there a family tradition or ritual that holds special meaning to you?
How do you think our upbringing has influenced the people we are today?
What lessons or values from our parents have stuck with you?
What do you admire most about each other?
Is there a dream or goal you’ve always wanted to pursue together?
How do you envision our relationship changing as we grow older?