The word intentional is thrown around a lot these days in certain circles. We’ve used it here on this podcast ourselves. What does it actually mean? Is it really something we want to be? Or is it just another word that adds to our mom guilt pile already filled with comparisons and ways we feel we’re not meeting the mark?
The word intentional simply means “deliberate or done on purpose.”
There are a lot of things parents do that are deliberate. Teaching our kids skills (how to ride a bike or say their ABCs), taking the time to read to our kids. Even a day at the park has some intentionality built into it. You meant to do it, you planned it and made it happen. On purpose.
I think a lot of parents have a sense of their days kind of running together or getting to the end of any given day and feeling that there isn’t much “to show” for it. Is this sort of day UNintentional? Not necessarily! These can be some of the best days—the ones your kids turn out to remember from their childhood….intentionality doesn’t mean trying to be the uber parent who has every second scheduled with brilliant and stimulating activities. In fact, we’d argue that you should ON PURPOSE plan lots of down time, free time, unstructured play and time to be outdoors.
Being an intentional parent isn’t about rigidity or extra expectations. It’s not about putting more expectations, results or outcome pressures on your kids or yourself.
We had days at home where we deliberately did NOT have a to-do list or specific plans. Maybe one kid is sick or the weather is terrible and the super fun playdate you’d scheduled is off the table. Parenting is full of PIVOTS. So you roll with it and quietly read or let them watch an extra hour of TV b/c they don’t feel good. Did we “accomplish” anything in that sort of day?
My sick child felt cared for. We shared time together we otherwise might not have. That fosters trust and relationship.
So unless we’re just straight up neglectful and absent parents, most of us are likely doing things on purpose already as parents. Some of us, depending on our temperaments, may be more inclined to plan or have set goals than others.
That’s ok, but I’d venture to say that if you and your spouse don’t have SOME idea of your goals for your kids, then because of the nature of life—the crazy urgent exhausting part of raising kids—it’s human nature to drift. We’re swayable and distractable.
It’s a good idea—just like any performance review for a job but without the attached possibility of being fired (or, unfortunately of getting that pay raise)—to check in with each other and ask some questions. Kids change so fast and a lot of that 0-5 age range is just getting to know how they operate and how they’re made. Maybe you deliberately (intentionally) want to get in some motor skills practice with your 4-6 month old….there’s all that tummy time and sitting up practice at the beginning, remember?
In a flash, that changes to toddlers who are mobile and on a mission to discover. Do your goals need to change? Maybe your big picture ones don’t—you still want her to feel safe and loved, say,—but your smaller day to day practices will have switched according to your baby’s abilities.
If you don’t step back & review with each other now & then, you’ll likely slide into whatever it is you’re encouraged to do…by society, by your parents or whoever…. What is it that is important to YOU as parents shouldering the responsibility of this child?
Questions that help bring you back to center:
What are we trying to achieve? (Surviving another day? Sometimes! Building character traits in our school-aged kids?) Can our current habits get us there? What’s our trajectory?
Does the amount of attention I’m giving this match its true importance? Homework is a good example of this…. So many families spend all the waking hours between school and bed with tackling homework (depending on the kid). So is sports (younger and younger…practices and games and travel….) when in the end, is it going to REALLY have the impact on your child you think/desire?
A great way to easily take stock—to get yourselves back to center/back to your real intentions/goals/desires—is to take a look at your calendar at the end of 6 months or 3 months and see what it tells you. It’ll tell you what you think is important—how many nights you were out of town, how many hours you spent at practice or how much time you were at church activities,….)
How can we create an environment that might naturally bring us our desired change? (if there IS a desired change)….. How can you change your physical, social environment to make your goals more NATURAL to achieve?
If you want to change your habits, you need to make it EASY. Do what you’re able. This allows flexibility. James Clear (author of Atomic Habits) suggests, for example, if you have a 30-min morning work out goal, but you only have 10 minutes one day, REDUCE THE SCOPE BUT STICK TO THE SCHEDULE.
So you only get 10 min in. But you’ve SHOWN UP, you’ll feel better that you did SOMETHING rather than nothing, and it’ll make it more attractive next time. This can apply to having a morning prayer or quiet time (which a lot of us WANT to do but tends to slide down the list again and again).
CREATE MARGIN to make typically hectic times LESS SO. If you KNOW getting out the door in the mornings is generally a disaster, look at what you can do physically & socially to help with that…. What can you lay out ahead of time? What can you have ready to go and in place? Push bedtime 10-15 min earlier to give everyone time to get their backpacks, lunches, etc. together and ready. REDUCE FRICTION.
What habits are upstream from other habits I want to form? Is there a “first domino”? What’s something in your day that if THAT goes well, you know it will also make a lot of other things go well? Maybe that’s a quiet cup of coffee before anyone else gets up. Maybe it’s that morning out the door routine. ??? What’s yours? Concentrate your efforts on that lead domino instead of trying to make the whole day flow & work flawlessly…. It’s likely just that first thing can set the tone/stage for the whole day.
What is something that can help you focus more on your “most important” goals? I know for me, if I’m trying to get some writing done, I have to have my phone off for a couple of hours. Several “intentional” moms I know—in order to focus on THEIR family’s determined goals—do the same.. Maybe you don’t look at your phone until lunch. (CRAZY IDEA!?!?) That gives you space to work on YOUR agenda instead of responding to everyone else’s.
Lara Casey has a book called Cultivate: A Grace-filled Guide to Growing an Intentional Life that has some good advice we’ll start with…
1. Be Reflective
This practice is basic but easy to skip. When we simply file away our daily experiences without considering how the Lord might use them in our lives, we fail to be intentional.
2. Replace Lies with Truth
For example, you may believe the lie “I have to know all the details of the path ahead” but could replace it with “Forethought is important, but faith is essential”
3. Attach Your Feelings to Truth
While our emotions are a good part of how God has made us, we must be intentional in how we process them. “Feelings aren’t the enemy, but sometimes they can lead us away from truth” (53). So one way to be intentional is to “take your feelings and attach to each of them a life-giving truth” (53). She gives examples like, “I may feel alone, isolated, and lonely at times, but I know that God never, ever leaves me” (53).
4. Ask Good Questions
WHO IS THE TYPE OF PERSON I WANT TO BE? WHAT SORT OF FAMILY DO WE WANT TO HAVE?
What type of identity do we want to be reinforced? Our habits have an outsized influence on our story (b/c they’re repeated again and again).. So you decide the sort of person you want to be, and then you prove that to yourself with small wins.
James Clear: Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you want to become.
What are my actions moving me closer to? The habits you have now are a reflection of the type of person you believe you are. Change your habits and you can change your identity. Phrase it to yourself and your family: I’m the type of mom who___________. I’m the type of dad who _______________. We’re the type of family who _______________.
So…you can ask yourself these questions throughout a day when it comes to decision points. What would a healthy family eat? What would a God-focused family listen to? These are great positive sort of questions to get your older kids in the habit of asking themselves. Applies to any goal, really…. How would a successful writer schedule her time? Do that. How would a kind person respond? (Versions of the WWJD question )
Who the type of person I want to be associate with my usual tribe? Would he spend time doing _____________? Would her social media feed include ________________??
5. Building good habits: Make the behavior OBVIOUS, ATTRACTIVE, EASY and SATISFYING. (this goes for kids and parents)
Ask yourself those questions about behaviors you want to encourage!! How can I make it more obvious? Walk into the rooms you find yourself in most often in a day. What are the first things you see? (If you’re trying to lose weight, do you have a bowl of candy on the counter?) If you’re trying to start a morning prayer time, is there a certain chair or area that needs to be clear and free of laundry/books for you to easily use each morning? Make it so. If your 3 yr old is a Tasmanian devil in the morning, maybe morning quiet time is not for you….find YOUR time and space that can work so you’re not swimming upstream and becoming frustrated.
Make your goals/desires things that you’re genuinely interested in/excited about….not things you think you SHOULD DO or things that everyone else is doing. You’ll be more likely to follow through. Not every family has to have a devotional that looks the exact same or is exactly 30 minutes or whatever. Maybe you all practice prayer/meditating together for 60 seconds each morning. Just 60 seconds of breathing and listening and calm. Start doable and small.
Just try to master the art of showing up. Scale it down to 2 minutes. (easy)
Each time you’re doing it you’re reinforcing that identity you want…. (satisfying)
Casey again:
6. Be Content with Little-by-Little Progress
We can be “addicted to instant gratification, searching for contentment in whatever was easy and fast” (7). To combat this tendency, she encourages us to stop “living for the short term and patching things to just get by” and instead take a long-term view (6). Being intentional isn’t so much about quick results as it is “little-by-little progress, and trusting God to make [things] grow in his timing” (7).
7. Preserve and Remember
Make note of God’s faithfulness for seasons ahead. Casey suggests things like create a photo wall, keep a blessing jar, write notes in the margins of a family Bible, or journal.
Whatever you do, stopping to take an assessment of how far you’ve come.