You know the deal. You’ve had a long day. You were up early, worked all day, ran to the grocery store, made dinner, picked up your kids from dance in soccer, helped with the homework, pay the bills.
And then… duh, duh, duh… bedtime rolls around. You’re plenty tired and probably ready for bed, but are your kids?
Please let me stay up just five more minutes!
Why do I have to go to bed? Jason gets to stay up later.
But I’m not tired!
Can I have 10 more minutes on my iPad?
And once you do get your child to bed, you hear:
Can I have a drink of water?
I’m not sleepy! Read me another story!
I have to go to the bathroom again.
I’m scared. There’s a monster in my bedroom.
Sound familiar?
Well, you’re not alone. Few things are as frustrating as arguing with your child at the end of a long day about getting to bed on time. Not to mention how annoying it is to have a tired child in the morning because she stayed up too late the night before on her phone, or if she’s too young for that, with the constant up-and-down of delaying bedtime.
Take heart! We are going to share with you what we did with our own kids as well as some information from Lee and Marlene Canter who wrote the book no more bedtime battles: simple solutions to bedtime problems back when we were raising our kids.
Evening should be a time when families wind down from a busy day, share experiences, and enjoy nighttime activities and conversation together before settling down for a restful night sleep. But for many families evenings are far cry from that. Instead, they are filled to capacity with dinner, dishes, homework, housework, And children fighting for their parents attention. Everyone is rushed. Time flies by. Before you know it, bedtime is coming and gone.
We’re here to tell you that you don’t have to have a hectic and rushed evening and you don’t have to miss out on important bedtime moments. The key to a better bedtime is in planning your child’s bedtime routine.
What is a Bedtime routine?
A bedtime routine is just rhythm that your child can follow each evening to prepare for bedtime and for sleep. Each families will look a little different but there are some common elements to a bedtime routine that makes it most effective.
- It’s consistent. You follow this about five nights of the week
- It’s not rushed. You have adequate time to get ready for bed
- It’s personal. The child and parent share special one on one time together.
- It’s positive and reassuring. Bedside conversations can give you a window into your child’s heart. Use this time wisely.
Typical sleep requirements by age
- Birth to one year: 13 to 16 hours including naps
- 2-5 years: 11 to 13 hours including naps
- 6-9 years: 10 to 11 hours
- 10-18 years: 8 to 10 hours
These are just guidelines, of course. Helpful way to determine if your child is getting all the sleep here she needs is to chart bedtime and wake up times in a two week sleep diary. It’s simply noting when they woke up and when they went to bed and how their demeanor was in the morning.
On the first morning, you would write the time that your child awakens. Not their attitude after the first half hour: are they happy, cooperative, whiny, tired, or irritable?
If your child is still napping, record those in the sleep diary too. Write the time and duration of the nap.
If your child doesn’t take naps, but appears fatigued, weary or just plain tuckered out during the day, not that in the diary as well.
Do this for two weeks. Take context into account. If you have a super busy day coming up, it might be a good idea to get to bed a little bit earlier than I before.
The Bedtime Hour
The bedtime hour isn’t necessarily a literal hour. It can be 15 minutes or maybe it is an hour. The length doesn’t matter as much as the rhythm and routine of preparing for bed.
Children find comfort and things that are familiar and repetitious. Carrying a special blanket, hugging a warning, but beloved stuffed animal, or listening to a familiar story, can provide a child with a comforting sense of security. Even older children find reassurance and favorite PJs or a childhood quilt.
A regular bedtime routine provides kids with that same kind of comfort, security, and predictability. A bedtime routine helps children know exactly what they are to do before bed.
Planning the Bedtime Hour
The authors of the book break hour into three categories:
- Nightly hygiene: bathing, washing, brushing and flossing teeth
- Planning for tomorrow: choosing clothes, packing up backpacks and homework
- Parent child time: reading together, sharing thoughts, talking about the day
Step 1: Nightly Hygiene
Part of growing up healthy is learning to develop good hygiene. Having a routine/ritual of nightly hygiene can help your kiddo wind down. Bath, brushing teeth, getting pajamas on… whatever is it, having an expected set of nightly ablutions will help get everyone in the headspace for bed.
Step 2: Preparing for Tomorrow
Involving your child in preparation for the next day can be a win-win. We talk about “monkeys” in our parenting class, which are things that mom is doing that the child should be able to do, causing overwhelm for the parent and frustration or stunted development in the child. Some things that your kids can help with include:
- Setting out clothes for the morning – avoid the last-minute clothing choice dilemma and try choosing clothes the night before.
- Gathering school materials – put things like homework, books, signed notes, lunch money etc in one spot the night before. Even toddlers can put a jacket or backpack by the back door.
- Prepare lunches – this varies by age, but even preschoolers can help bag items.
Step 3: Parent-Child Time
Depending on the number of kids you have, this will look differently for different families. One or two kids may get this every night while moms and dads of three, four, five, or more may do a rotation of parent-child time. (Interview with _________ who did a rotation with her big family?)
We talk about the window of your child’s heart and bedtime is a great time for you to get a glimpse of what’s really going on. Some ideas for tucking in time:
- Look back on the day and recount the best thing that happened.
- Talk about something your child can look forward to tomorrow
- Read a bedtime story or a chapter from a longer book or a passage of Scritpure
- Sing to your child
- Turn on soothing music, nature sounds, or AIO
- Listen to an audiobook together
- Give your child a relaxing foot massage or scratch their back and recount your favorite memories of them
- Pray
- Hug, kiss, and tell them “I love you”
Nighttime Emergency Kit
When your child calls out to you after going to bed, many times it is an attempt to get your attention. If you are rushing through the bedtime routine, this may be valid, but if you are creating a rhythm and ritual consistently then consider a Bedside Buddy Box:
- A cup of water
- A small stack of books for when your kid can’t fall asleep
- A bathroom pass (for the chronic getter upper – they give it to you on their way to the bathroom and if they don’t use it, they earn a “star” for a future reward when 2-3 or however many stars you deem acceptable are accumulated.
- A flashlight
- Music player
- Journal w/ a pencil for jotting down what comes to mind when they wake
- Tissues
- Clock
When choosing items for the bedside you need to take your child’s age into consideration. There are no hard and fast rules here, but this can help head off some of the usual “stalls” that kids give.
Bedtime Problems
If you follow what we’ve just discussed, MANY of your child’s bedtime problems will disappear. But there are some common nighttime problems that a well-structured bedtime routine may ot solve. Let’s discuss some common nighttime problems:
The Anxious Child
REAL prayer (hand Jesus the fear, ask for something from him in exchange)
Talk through what they are anxious about
Reward the virtue: courage/love (perfect love casts out fear)
The Child Who Gets Out of Bed
Sit outside the room and put them back into bed
Consider returning to a crib (preschool)
Keep the bedtime box for water, bathroom pass etc
If they aren’t sleepy or take a while to fall asleep, consider audiobooks or long form music
The Child Who is Afraid of the Dark
Inspect the room together (closets, under bed etc)
Leave a nightlight on, closet door open
REAL prayer
The Child Who Wants to Sleep in Your Bed
This is personal choice. Some parents like to co-sleep. If that is you, skip this advice. However, for those of you who want kids in their own beds, you can go to their room when they are sick or have a nightmare etc instead of them coming to your room. They can sleep with something of yours. You can wean them from sleeping with you to a pallet/cot in your room, to their room.
Conclusion
Ultimately, learning to sleep is a life skill that we all want our kids to learn. They are not born knowing how to sleep, and as parents, we must help them, just as we help them learn to eat a variety of foods, to tie their shoes and get dressed, and more. Studies have shown that not getting enough sleep can contribute to obesity. But even more troubling, studies show that children who don’t get enough sleep can end up with behavioral and learning problems that persist for years and affect a child’s life forever. Teens who don’t get enough sleep are at higher risk for depression and learning problems, and are more likely to get into car accidents and other accidents. And this is not surprising. We can all relate to how we feel after a terrible night’s sleep or too little sleep or interrupted sleep.
And if you, mom and dad, are not a good sleeper, you can take some of this advice to heart as well! Nothing like parenting to help you grow yourself. In the end, we can and should expect to have peaceful sleep when we keep our focus on the ONE who watches over each of us. As David wrote in Psalm 4: In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, LORD, make me dwell in safety.