Psalm 127:4… Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. (Blessed is the one whose quiver is full of them.)
When we think about a warrior, the image that comes to mind isn’t typically a scrawny youth with a bedraggled quiver of bent and wonky arrows. Picture Katniss Everdeen in the Hunger Games. Or a poised and purposeful archer whose arrows are sanded smooth for a clean flight, ready to hit the mark.
The same is true about parents. The psalmist describes them (us) as warriors, “aiming” our children in some way. We have a purpose. We have a target. Our job is to prepare our arrows (our children), sharpening them, sanding down the rough spots that make the arrow wobble. We take our time, aiming with care and purpose.
If you fail to aim, you aim to fail.
Does this contrast with trends/changes in raising kids today? It seems sometimes parents can take a more “hands off” approach or a “wait and see’ approach…. Give our children everything they need, free exploration and expression, few guidelines or guard rails. Self-determination! Avoid using the word “wrong” or “no” because it induces guilt. When they reach 21 (or 12) she can decide for herself what she believes as far as religion, identity, relationships, etc….
(We don’t do this in academics, by the way… Math is math. Grammar is grammar. The laws of physics and chemistry are what they are and you must learn them.) When it comes to more “mushy” areas like spirituality or morality, society has “become so open minded that we are flat-headed.”
In our experience, raising children is much more peaceful and satisfying—and the children THEMSELVES are much more at peace and secure—when we give them boundaries within which they can flourish and discover and explore.
Kindergarten playgrounds: whole wide open fenced area, but kids tend to congregate in groups in smaller sections, within eye sight of teachers.
When Paul wrote to Timothy, a young man leading a church, he wrote the following:
1 Timothy 4:12 – Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.
Speech: is well, speech. What you say.
Conduct: the manner of your life (what are you characterized by?)
Love: Agape
Faith: properly, persuasion (be persuaded, come to trust) What are our kids persuaded by???
Purity: the quality of cleanliness; mentioned in Num 6 the Nazirite vow that separates you to the Lord voluntarily:
First, the individual enters into this vow voluntarily.
Second, both men and women could participate in this vow
Third, the vow had a specific time frame, a beginning and an end
Fourth, there were specific guidelines and restrictions involved with the Nazirite vow. Three guidelines are given to the Nazirite. Numbers 6:3-7 tells us that he/she was to abstain from wine or any fermented drink, nor was the Nazirite to drink grape juice or eat grapes or raisins, not even the seeds or skins. Next, the Nazirite was not to cut his hair for the length of the vow. Last, he was not to go near a dead body, because that would make him ceremonially unclean. Even if a member of his immediate family died, he was not to go near the corpse.
Finally, a sacrifice was made (vv.13-17), the candidate’s hair was cut and put on the altar, and the priest did the final task of completing the sacrificial process, which ended the vow (v. 20). This section concludes with the statement, “This is the law of the Nazirite who vows his offering to the LORD in accordance with his separation, in addition to whatever else he can afford. He must fulfill the vow he has made, according to the law of the Nazirite”(6:21).
Although the Nazirite vow is an Old Testament concept, there is a New Testament parallel to the Nazirite vow. In Romans 12:1-2 Paul states, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” For Christians, the ancient Nazirite vow symbolizes the need to be separate from this world, a holy people consecrated to God (2 Timothy 1:9; 1 Peter 1:15).
Not bad categories for thinking about aiming our arrows.
2 Timothy 2:22-26 – So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.
If there is such a thing as youthful passions (a longing for what is forbidden), we need to help our children flee them. And then we are to help them purse
Righteousness: (usually if not always in a Jewish atmosphere), justice, justness, righteousness, righteousness of which God is the source or author
Faith: belief, trust, confidence; fidelity, faithfulness.
Love: Agape, love centered in moral preference. benevolence, good will, esteem
Peace: peace of mind; invocation of peace a common Jewish farewell, in the Hebraistic sense of the health (welfare) of an individual.
WHERE TO AIM? Practical Application
Point to God in every-day activities. As you walk along… (Deut 6:5-7) Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and strength. These commandments I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”
Prayer as a regular part of the day: thank yous in the morning, blessings for the day, help for what is on the agenda. Help during time-outs or struggles. Thank yous at meals and bedtime. During a family walk at sunset. Learn to look for ways God is present and learn to listen to the spirit’s nudges/ God’s voice.
Thinking of Others: Morality at work. Sibling relationships. Respecting the world around us and others’ property. How we treat older people or people who are different from us. This is WHAT we do and WHY we do it.
Who You Are. God’s design for you. Helping our children discover their strengths and gifts. Helping them appreciate their unique beauty and design. What are their strengths and weaknesses and what God thinks about when He thinks about them. Who does God say they are?
Those are all pillars and foundational work of raising children. All sorts of things follow from those. For example: who you are (or who we are to be) can lead to character training and fruits of the spirit…. We are to be patient, kind, generous, etc. when we deal with our siblings or friends…. We are to be slow to anger and quick to listen…. We are to work diligently and not be rude (have manners!).
Practical Skills
A lot of parents feel this constant pressure to entertain their kids or “keep them busy” with preschools, after school activities/programs, etc.
We do that but a lot of times we neglect the “ordinary” everyday practical things that PEOPLE need to know to live. Then we get to junior/senior year, when our kids are about to launch out into the world and, yes, maybe they can drive (not a given anymore), but they can’t work a can opener or cook a meal. The washing machine is a foreign concept and they have no idea about how checking accounts or credit cards work.
They’re whizzes at search engines and technology, but can they tell if the leftovers are spoiled? What happens if the engine light comes on in the car? Does it trigger a colossal meltdown/panic attack?
It’s enormously helpful as parents to look at practical skills as one of those targets we’re aiming our arrows at.
We don’t do ourselves or our kids any favors by UNDERESTIMATING THEM.
I know of several young people who started their own businesses by high school/early college and are making a real living from them by the time they graduated. Their parents gave them skills, confidence, and guidance to make that happen. It wasn’t just a “hope for best” or “wait and see” attitude. They were aiming some arrows!
Thru most of human history, young people were integrated into adult society early on, but in the late 1800s, new laws and cultural changes started isolating teens from adults, giving them more restrictions and artificially extending childhood way past puberty. Teens today are subjected to more than 10x as many restrictions as most adults and adulthood is delayed until well into the 20s or 30s. (from Teen 2.0 by Robert Epstein)
One of a teenager’s main needs is to become productive and independent. Smart parents aim their arrows in that direction.
Katy Crisp has an article on Sonlight curriculum website that has some practical advice for helping integrate everyday tasks among the different ages of your kids. https://blog.sonlight.com/household-life-skills.html
1. Focus on Stewardship
If we focus on expecting our children to keep a perfect house—one that is magazine-worthy—we will always be disappointed. But if we keep our focus on honoring God by being good stewards of what He has entrusted to us, not only will the job be easier, we will also teach our children that the work we do is for a greater purpose.
If we start training our children early to understand that we are stewards in this world, the more quickly the truth will take root. Hopefully this will bear fruit that expresses their love for the Lord in all they do whether big or small.
2. Create a Clear List of Jobs for Each Child
What I have found helpful is to make a list of everything that needs to be done in each room of my house. Then according to each child’s age and ability, I assign a few of those jobs to each child. This room-by-room checklist is posted on a whiteboard in our breakfast area so everyone can see it.
3. Walk Your Child Through Each Task Until They Can Accomplish It Independently
When training my children in life-skills, mastery is proven when they can do it independently from the beginning to the end without hesitation.
Achieving mastery is where teaching home management gets especially challenging. If you have more than one child, you will feel torn because you can’t help everyone at the same time. Here are three keys that help me:
- Pick one room where everyone works simultaneously and you can supervise them all at once.
- Have your children do their tasks at different times of the day so you can work with one child at a time, as time allows.
- If you have older children and younger children, start a buddy system. Pair a younger and older child together to work on the same room while you go back and forth to supervise each buddy pair.
4. Keep The Same Rhythm Each Day
Keeping the same schedule (or routine) will help things run more smoothly for all ages. If your children know what to expect next, attitudes tend to stay in check.
Teaching our children to pitch in with home management not only eases our own burden as homeschool moms, but it also provides them with important life-skills. Our children gain a sense of personal discipline and confidence when they take responsibility for a task and see it to completion.
What We Used
There’s a book we referred to when raising our kids called What Every Child Should Know Along the Way. When we’d introduce some of the information in classes we taught, more times than not it blew parents’ hair back.
The author gives age-by age suggestions about every-day tasks children should be able to handle.
For example, by age 16, here are some of the suggestions. The lists are cumulative, so it’s assumed a 16 yr old should be able to figure out all these things PLUS the tasks younger aged children can do. Obviously, every child is different. They mature at different speeds and have different gifts/talents, etc. BUT that shouldn’t let them off the hook for working towards the goal of independence….which, remember is one of their main internal goals as well (whether they know it or not).
If you’ve got a 16 yr old at home, can he or she
Take clothes in for dry cleaning (know what dry cleaning IS and how to know if it’s needed)
Prepare full, balanced meals from planning to shopping to prep
Do mending, sewing
Weather-strip and caulk around doors/windows
Basic indoor/outdoor plumbing
Clean gutters of house
Repair wall holes with putty
Steam clean or shampoo carpets/upholstery
Change a flat tire
Know/learn basic auto tune-up, repairs and maintenance (change headlight bulb, know when oil needs to be changed, tire rotation, etc.)
Know what to look for when purchasing or renting a home/apartment
Fill out a job application
Make a resume
How to arrange for utility services (water, gas, trash, etc.)
Fill out a simple income tax form
Solid understanding of personal finance
Understand the differences in political parties and form opinion
Determine from scripture what qualities a godly spouse should have
Be able to communicate the gospel
To back it up… at age 15 there are others like:
How to clean fridge
Understand paying household bills/schedules
Fill car with gas, check fluids
Plan, prepare, plant vegetable garden
At 14…
Rewire a lamp, change plug on cord
Return items to a store
Help paint house
Changing AC filters
At 13…
Unclog a sink/toilet
Bank accounts/balances
Ride a bus/read a schedule
Note: the ancient Orthodox Jews, known over the world for their brilliance, provided little or no formal schooling until AFTER age twelve for girls and thirteen for boys when children were considered able to accept full responsibility for their actions.
Dr. Raymond and Dorothy Moore, The Successful Homeschool Family Handbook, page 44
8/9—cutting the grass/mowing lawn with supervision/safety
Farm chores
From the other end of the age spectrum:
By age 5:
Put clothes away
Clean own fingernails
Leave bathroom clean after use
Clean toilet
Pet care
Dust low shelves
How to make an emergency call
By 2:
Undress
Wash face/hands
Pick up toys
Clear off own space at table
Play safely & alone for 30 min to 1 hr (in room, for example, but supervised…kids CAN be alone and still have fun.)
So…
Can your kids call & make their own appointments? For orthodontist, doctor, haircuts, etc.
Do they order their own food at restaurants? Can they ask for something extra?
Do they know concepts of tipping a server?
Can they find their way through an airport? Train station?
If you’ve heard these suggestions and are thinking your child is nowhere NEAR that competency, the good news is, whether they know it or not, your child is ready & eager to catch up.
Each of these things bestows CONFIDENCE on them, sets them above their peers and gives them a real boost for those first few years out of the house. Will they still call you and ask where to put a stamp on an envelope? And where to buy an envelope? Maybe… but they will likely be way ahead of their classmates.
It’s enough to figure out a class schedule and expectations from profs at college or how to master the ins and outs of a trade school or job. If they have many of the practical aspects of life already covered, they’re ahead of the game & may likely stand out as a leader. Or…they have the confidence to FIGURE IT OUT when they hit something unfamiliar.
It wasn’t that many years ago in our country that people way younger than 18 were starting households of their own and building their own homestead! Not saying that’s the ideal we should be striving for, but at least that they COULD manage pretty well by that age.
There’s a fun quiz you can get your teen to take called the Epstein-Dumas Test of Adultness… that we’ll have a link to. It takes about 15 minutes.
I took this test when I was 42 (most people would say that qualifies as an adult) and scored a 94% on my “adultness competency.”
It looks at 14 different skill areas and if you score lower in one or more areas, people might consider you “immature” in that category. (Love, Sex, Leadership, Problem Solving, Physical abilities, verbal & math skills, interpersonal skills, handling responsibility, managing high risk behaviors, managing work & money, education, personal care, self mgmt, and citizenship).
They didn’t include a category on spirituality or morality, per se, and I think that’s a marked oversight, but it reflects the author’s bias.