Where do the days go? Life gets so busy it’s easy for one day to blend into the next with work, kids, chores… Before you know it, we find ourselves feeling testy with our spouses. Something’s “off” but the youngest is sick and you were up all night so it’s probably exhaustion, right? He was gone for 3 days last week for a work trip and you were juggling everything at home and you just haven’t had time to connect.
Any of this striking a nerve?
Within marriage, it’s easy to slide into autopilot and let things fly. The truth is—we KNOW this—there are tons of little shifts in the wind that can blow us just slightly off course. It’s pretty rare for a marriage to all of a sudden veer 90 degrees off course, for the plane to fall out of the sky. Most often, it happens a degree at a time and before you know it, you THOUGHT you were heading to San Francisco—that was the plan—but here you are in Northern Canada & how did that happen??
Today we’re giving you some practical and DO-ABLE tips to make sure you’re staying on course. Do this early & often and it’ll save you lots of frustration and counseling sessions in the future! If you’re already wandering around in the Canadian tundra, start from where you are! You can either make a hard turn, or get back on track with small corrections—which is how you got here in the first place.
LOVE ACCOUNTS
Probably most of us are familiar with the “love account” concept. It works like a bank account—every day we’re making DEPOSITS and WITHDRAWALS from our spouse’s account. We’re not “keeping score” with a ledger. It’s more like an overall “feeling of satisfaction” that can come from an account that’s not overdrawn (at the minimum) or feeling like we’re a well-oiled machine working together & communicating (when deposits are frequent). It’s more than just KNOWING we’re loved…it’s FEELING loved.
When we’re first together, it’s natural and easy to make those deposits! He’s thoughtful, she’s affectionate. She compliments, he picks up the slack. Over time, as we get busier and more comfortable, it’s common to make fewer of those deposits and MORE withdrawals.
What happens then?
When someone’s (or both spouses’) accounts feel depleted, you’re less tolerant, you get defensive, you’re more reactive, overly sensitive or find yourself picking fights.
—What do you mean by THAT?
—Banging the dishes a little loudly to express frustration/disappointment
—That’s your plan for the kids today? (micro criticism)
—Never repairing after an argument/disagreement. ***
HOW TO FIX THE ACCOUNT
Is it obvious? Make more deposits! Multiple daily deposits. You’re busy—but not so busy you can’t speak to one another. SAY something appreciative or complimentary. Send a sweet text during the day. Quick expressions of affection: touch, brush a shoulder as you walk by. Instead of the usual peck on the cheek when you leave for work, make it a lingering kiss (one that grosses the kids out). If it’s NOT a habit to kiss goodbye & hello, MAKE that effort. Complete a chore. Offer to take the kids outside for 30 minutes so they have alone time.
Since your account is the SUM of the deposits & withdrawals, you’ll each need to also reduce your withdrawals. Really pay attention to those loose words or that huffy body language. It’s damaging. Your kids are noticing it, too, by the way.
Accept Sloppy Deposits: Trying counts! Notice the deposits someone makes into your account, even if they don’t quite hit the mark. Remember—you may have forgotten how to do this—if you’re 5-10 yrs into a marriage and things have slid off course. GRACE is GOOD. (Missing or overlooking a deposit can feel like a withdrawal. Criticizing the deposit counts as a double withdrawal!) You don’t have to throw a parade or be gushy, but just notice & say it made a difference.
THREE MINUTES THAT CAN CHANGE YOUR MARRIAGE Set a timer. For the first minute, all you’re going to do is hold hands and look into each other’s eyes. Don’t look away. Don’t say anything. Just gaze. Does it feel awkward? Maybe. Does it create connection? Absolutely. Keep holding hands. The Second Minute: husband prays for the wife. Just 60 seconds of gratitude, petition, intercession, whatever moves him. The Third Minute: wife prays for husband. Same deal. 3 minutes a day to create powerful spiritual and emotional intimacy and connection. Who’s too busy for THAT?? That’s a huge daily deposit right there.
Back to the love accounts: So you’re making multiple intentional daily deposits. Sometimes awkward, sometimes clunky and forced-feeling. That’s ok.
Couch Time Concept—a daily quick check-in/connection…. Good way to gauge how you’re doing with your deposits.
We did an episode awhile back on goal setting—a method that your husband, David, does, Renee. This is a version of that—specifically for your marriage relationship.
WEEKLY
Then, EACH WEEK, check in with each other. Maybe it’s on a Sunday evening, when you’re getting ready for the week ahead, looking at the calendar to see what’s coming up. Good idea to have it kind of in the routine schedule so it doesn’t get missed!
You can ask each other to rate your account balance (1-10). What could you do to raise that score? Is there anything that didn’t get repaired this week (hurts or unresolved argument)? Repair it. (DON’T MINIMIZE THIS STEP—letting unresolved hurts slide or stuffing consistent wounds paves the road to fractures, resentment and erodes trust.) Also a good time to share a couple things you are grateful for your spouse about that week.
LISTEN UP: When you’re checking in, just LISTEN. You’ll probably each say some positive & negative things. This is your spouse’s perspective/experience. JUST HEAR IT with empathy. This may take some practice if it’s not your usual M.O. or if you’re just starting this process after lots of years of built up resentment.
Check ins are not: a blame session or a subtle opening for criticism. (THOSE ARE WITHDRAWALS and defeat the whole purpose!)
Verify what they’re saying. Don’t rely on your assumptions or your old interpretation of “how they always are.” We need to keep our maps updated!!
BEWARE: being defensive, which is a protective impulse (you always blame me….); Dismissive (it’s not that big a deal); or Deflecting (turning a comment towards yourself or saying you talked about this last week…)
Giving some thought to the following suggestions before telling your partner what’s bugging you can make your communication more effective.
- Talk About Behavior, Not Personality. …
- Focus on How the Behavior Affects You. …
- Be Specific. …
- Stick to the Present. …
- Consider: “Am I the Problem?” …
- Pick a Neutral Place and Time.
The weekly check-ins are important because they keep you on course and can quick correct before you find yourself far from where you aimed.
A friend of mine, Kira Whitaker, owner of Arden Yoga and Wellness (future guest!), mentioned to me something that she and her husband have done for years. The FANOS check in. It was developed by Debra Laaser and many have found it very helpful as a way to reconnect at the end of the day and stay connected throughout the week. FANOS is an acronym derived from a Greek word meaning “to shed light on” and that is exactly what this structured check-in is designed to do. Each of us “sheds light on” our inner world, the parts of our minds and hearts that are not seen on the outside and the more we do that, the more we can find the acceptance and love we seek.
Here is a quick look at what FANOS is. Each letter is an aspect of your inner life that you will share with your significant other.
Feelings: Share an emotion you experienced today. Use the list of Soul Words or The Feelings Wheel (feelingswheel.com) at first as you get more of an emotional vocabulary.
Affirmations/Appreciations : This is a positive word for your partner for who he/she is and tell him/her something you appreciate that he/she has done today. This is “you are _____” and “I appreciated it when you _____.”
Needs: Tell your partner something you need from him/her. This could be a need you just recognized or one you have mentioned before that still has not been met. Don’t skip this one. Sometimes you may have to think for a minute before you can verbalize what you need.
Ownership: What have you done wrong that you need to take ownership of? This can be one of the most healing and connecting poiints.
Struggles/Sobriety: Agree together beforehand on what struggle/sobriety topic each person will discuss. It can be any number of things. Some examples are your sobriety date, recovery work, your diet, exercise, raging, perfectionism, criticizing, compulsively checking up on your partner, defensiveness, or . If you are an addict, you need to be focusing on sobriety and recovery work.
When sharing FANOS:
It is important to maintain eye contact while checking in. Generally, FANOS is a daily check-in done at the same time each day (usually in the evening, but not too close to bedtime).
One person goes through the entire FANOS and then the other person goes through the entire FANOS.
Talking through the entire FANOS should take no longer than two minutes. You do have time to do this! I don’t care how tired you think you are, you have four minutes to connect with your significant other.
When you listen to FANOS, your role is not to give feedback or fix. Your role is simply to listen and be present. This is an important opportunity to share safety and love.
If you want to respond to something your partner said in his/her FANOS, wait until the next day. Actually, responding the next day can be a good sign that you were listening, you have been thinking about it, and you care about what was shared.
Here is an example FANOS:
Feelings: I’m a little scared but hopeful about what is going on with our children. I feel overwhelmed by work and the kids’ schedule. I feel determined to finish the project in the yard this weekend. I felt relaxed today when we were watching a movie together.
Affirmation/Appreciation: I appreciate that you took out the trash like you said you would. Thank you for putting gas in the car and always keeping the car fueled.
Needs: I need for us to have more time together like the time we spent on the couch tonight watching the movie together.
Ownership: I own that I did speak angrily to you when you asked me to go to the store. You did not deserve that and I apologize for that.
Struggles/Sobriety: I felt a tug to be defensive today when you told me that you wanted me to do the laundry but I checked myself at the time.
REMEMBER, this is NOT a time to give feedback, criticize, correct, or shame one another. Simply listen to each other and know that the goal of this exercise is to build intimacy and restore trust. The key to this sharing time is to create safety while demonstrating connectedness, accountability, and acceptance.
https://hopehousehealing.com/learn/fanos
It’s also a great practice to do broader check-ins (maybe as a date night) QUARTERLY and YEARLY.
On a QUARTERLY basis, some areas you might just list and rank (1-10) on a “how I feel we’re doing” scale. Then you can talk about your intentions for each category to reach your goal… the more specific the better. Some categories might include:
Spiritual, Work, Family, Intimacy, Money, Communication.
So for Money, say you rate your satisfaction there a 5 and your spouse says 7. Together you decide you want to buy a house in the next couple of years, so you decide together you’re going to eat out only once a week and discuss spending more than $250 on a purchase so you can reach your savings goal.
For communication: wife says 1 and husband says 6. Something’s skewed here… She has a higher need for connection…he’ll need to double down on couch time and having deeper conversations. After disagreements, maybe he holds on to things for a long time instead of letting her in and repairing fairly quickly. That’s something to work on—he can have 2 hours to cool off and repair instead of 2 days.
Then you’re checking in YEARLY. This is more for overall direction & purpose than the daily things. Here you’re talking about your goals, dreams, values. What do you want to accomplish this year? One nice family vacation? Taking a class or finishing that degree? Joining a small group and being more intentional about community/friendships? Having more alone time?
What can each of you specifically do to support each other’s goals?
If you’re not sharing this sort of thing regularly (and once a year is a good stretch of time!), you’re missing out on WHO the other person is becoming, what interests them, what sparks joy in them and ways they can reach/stretch to become better. You just hum along in the same old lane and wonder why when you’re 40 mid life smacks you in the face. You miss out on supporting your spouse through taking a risk or facing a fear and cheering them on.
In a busy life raising kids, these kind of things are so easy to let slip. Then degree by degree, you’re off track.
Lots of times we recommend with your kids to work on one thing at a time…. Put a 3×5 card on your fridge for each kid to remind you what each child’s temperament is, what their love language is, and what 1-2 behaviors you are focusing on for that month. If you don’t, with multiple kids, you find yourself correcting for every little thing and everybody’s overwhelmed.
Same is true here. It helps to keep those reminders in front of you – front and center on the fridge or your bathroom mirror. Your dashboard. Window over the sink. Wherever you spend a lot of time and can’t’ miss it.
Post your 3 highest goals, your 3 highest values, your 3 worst distractions (from reaching those goals)…. What have you done this year, this month, this day to contribute to those goals and values? What’s one way you can eliminate a distraction?
**There’s an encouraging marriage-positive account on instagram called @meet_thefreemans with Jocelyn & Aaron Freeman that contains a lot of helpful & insightful tools like this.