We’re laying it out, people. Some of our tried-and-true rules for life that we’ve learned (the hard way) or stumbled upon in our SEVERAL DECADES on this planet. (a combined 10 decades of wisdom here—or at least strong opinion.)
- You can eat the whole elephant one bite at a time. I used to freak out routinely about change and the looming giantness of tasks or goals set before me. In my 20’s, I almost backed out of going to grad school because the thought of shouldering another year of the grind with people I didn’t know who were probably all smarter than I was, with very little money sent me into a spiral. I learned that it’s MUCH saner to approach big things bit by bit, smaller obtainable do-able pieces will get you to the end eventually. The thought of writing a whole book is nuts! But writing 500 words a day is actually possible. Making it from newborn stage to having a 3 year old seems crazy impossible, but if all I have to do is make it to the next feeding time—I’m good with that. (It’s similar to Samantha Perkins’ motto of …I’m not drinking “right now,”)
- (Almost) nothing is forever. This is related to Bonnie’s eating the elephant. One of the worst things that I could do to myself mentally was when things were hard with my newborn, toddler, young child, or teen is to tell myself that the ways things are today is the way things will always be. Now, when things were beautiful and dreamy and smooth and good with my kids, I could savor the moment because… you guessed it… I was remembering that (almost) nothing is forever. One thing that is guaranteed in life is change. And even though our world is ever-changing, when you know Jesus as your Lord and Savior, you can enjoy the constancy of his work for us and the world even amidst what Paul calls our “light and momentary” troubles. (Which don’t always feel so light or momentary…). And so I recall what Paul wrote to the Corinthian church,
- Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
- You’re not that special. This is not an anti-self esteem thing. Have all the self esteem you want! It just means a couple of things. One: we are all worthy and human and deserving of good things. There is nothing in me that deserves higher treatment than the next guy & vice versa. Beyonce may be talented & “queen B” but she is not better than me—or you. We all look the same in a hospital gown. We all suffer (no one’s suffering is better than someone else’s.) We all struggle with sports bras and need TP and sometimes feel sad or humiliated or sick. Two: people aren’t really thinking about you that much…so don’t stress over what you’re wearing or replay every conversation in your head 100 times… most people are worrying too much about their own impressions to care about yours.
- You are probably doing what you want (or believe). At some point in my child-rearing years, I began to notice that I would tell myself things like, “You can’t do this or that because you ________ (are a stay-at-home mom, homeschool, don’t make enough money, don’t have the time etc). One day God showed me that, almost every time, I am doing what I’m comfortable with or what I want to do. I used this line with exercise a lot. “I don’t have time… My kids are my priority… One day when my schedule is different I’ll exercise regularly… When I can pay for a gym membership I’ll exercise…” You get the idea. God convicted me that, no, I actually don’t love to exercise and these are my excuses. Not only that, but if I actually believed in all the health benefits of exercise, I might actually do it. The conversation in my head was a way to justify my choices so I didn’t feel guilty or disappointed in myself.
Fast forward to my 50’s and I’ve peeled this onion even more. Sometimes what I’m doing isn’t motivated by desire. It’s motivated by a wrong belief. A lie. So If I believe that my performance affects my worth, then I’ll be a perfectionist. But. If I replace that lie with the truth (something like): The faithful trying brings God joy, and He’s in charge of the results. Then I’m much more likely to be okay with trying and failing. Or whatever behavior is holding me back from relationships with my family and friends and with God.
- Sit by Water or Go Outside. We’re made for nature. Even tiny babies in the throes of colic or a tantrum calm down with a bath or walking outside on a dark night. Oliver Sacks said that in 40 years of medical practice, he found only two types of non-pharmaceutical therapy to be vitally important for patients with chronic neurological diseases: music & gardens. I always liked to play in the dirt and was never bothered being sweaty or dirty, but really once I had a home & the busyness of life seemed to take over, the garden—even just planting flowers in the spring—or sitting out on the deck in the morning with the birds and breeze….it’s a balm for the soul. I know why the “old folks” used to sit on their front porches so much now. When you witness the world’s pain & suffering, finding an inchworm or watching little fledglings leave the nest restores your hope somehow.
- Whatever you do, do it as if you are working for the Lord (because you are!). When I asked my kids what they remember me telling them again and again, this popped to the top. This was the epiphany that helped move me from depression in the early days of motherhood to a steady joy and dignity in my life stage that felt very anonymous and humbling. Getting up to nurse a crying baby? I’m doing it for Jesus. Changing another diaper? Changing it as unto the Lord. Cooking dinner? I’m feeding my family and Jesus. (Because I actually am, you know!) Jesus taught in Matthew 25:
- When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
- “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
- “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
- “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
- Only You Know. Everyone has opportunities or moments in their lives where they can make a choice that only they will know about, where you didn’t get caught or no one saw you. Small as they are, these are your defining moments. Only you know whether you cheated on that test. Only you know whether you really meant that apology. Only you know that you lied or were unfaithful or cursed God. Make your choices and behaviors with integrity—the same as if everyone was watching. Make choices and take actions that make yourself proud of you and that match the person God made you to be. You’re a daughter (or son) of the King. (& if you DO mess up, make amends)
- Obedience is a great teacher. Again, learned this as a young mom and it has become more and more real to me as I’ve, well, obeyed the teachings of Scripture. One of the psychological principles you and I learned early on was that in children, actions precede beliefs. (Don’t touch the stove because it might be hot. They eventually learn what hot and cold means and what a stove is for but until then they just obey. But in adults, beliefs typically precede action. So, I understand that exercise is good for me and then I’ll do it. When the disciples asked Jesus who would be the greatest in the kingdom of heaven, he gave them an unexpected answer. It wasn’t the person who did the most righteous deeds. Although those are good. It wasn’t the one who avoided the most sin. Although that is helpful, too. It wasn’t the one who knew the most Scripture. Even though we can be destroyed by lack of knowledge. No. It was the one who becomes like a child. He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. 3 And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4 Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5 And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me. Matthew 18
At least part of what it means to follow Jesus is to trust and obey him like little children: even when we don’t fully understand why. And just like little children, we gain understanding AFTER the obeying and trusting. Not before. (Jesus said that, too! John *: 31 To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. 32 Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”) Actions precede beliefs. And obedience is a GREAT teacher.
- Comparison is a Lose-Lose Game. Maybe this comes with age—the ability to throw off what other people are doing and not care so much? Probably somewhere in my 40’s I adopted the “keep your eyes on your own paper” motto pretty strongly. Unless I’m earnestly trying to get help or improve something, it does me ZERO good to look at someone else’s marriage, kids, finances, body, spiritual maturity, professional success…. There are always those ahead of you and behind you. For the most part, comparison kills joy. My middle is not the same as someone else’s end. Or my beginning, is not the same as someone else’s middle. The only useful measure is to look at where I used to be and compare to where I am now. (This may bring up the abstention bias….the way that women tend to relate where they constantly assess themselves in relation to what others are doing.) The writer of Lamentations wrote that Israel should “examine and probe our ways, And let us return to the Lord.” Paul challenged the Corinthian church to test and examine themselves to see if they were “in the faith” and to the Galatians he challenged ”each one [to] examine his own work, and then he will have reason for boasting in regard to himself alone, and not in regard to another.”
- Get curious about your emotions and behaviors. Bonnie and I have been doing this alot in the empty nest season of life. Probably because of my temperament (here’s looking at all the ISTJ’s out there!) and because of another life rule about obedience that I just mentioned, I was always committed to NOT let my emotions rule my life or those around me. Did I always succeed? No. And sometimes those emotions were huge: anxiety and depression being two of them.
In recent years, I’ve been discovering authors and doctors like Brene Brown, Dr Caroline Leaf, Dr Alex Loyd and others are all teaching variations on this theme of getting curious about your emotions and behaviors. Dr. Caroline Leaf says it better than I can: we cannot run from or suppress our emotions. We need to get comfortable with feeling – even the emotions that don’t make us feel so great in the moment. We need to be okay with saying things like “I feel sad” or “I feel anxious”…But we also cannot just let our emotions rule us. Our feelings are signals that we need to tune into and self-regulate—this is how we learn, grow and heal. (I was jumping to regulations before examination.) Here are four main signals: your emotions, your behaviors, your physical symptoms, and your perspective/outlook. Some examples are:
- Feelings of irritability and/or hopelessness (an emotional warning signal)
- Ignoring calls, texts or emails (a behavioral warning signal)
- The world feels more negative (a perspective warning signal)
- Muscle aches and/or pains (a physical warning signal)
When it comes to our emotional warning signals, we all experience feelings in different ways under different circumstances. They can keep changing even in the space of one day or hour!
It is important to remember that there’s nothing wrong with you if you feel you’re “exploding” with emotions! You’re simply experiencing something that needs urgent attention. https://drleaf.com/blogs/news/why-we-need-to-fall-in-love-with-our-emotions
As Eugene Peterson put it in The Message translation:
Proverbs 19:16-22 The Message (MSG)
We hope these have been helpful and life-giving!