Welllll, we’re addressing a listener suggestion today and talking about privacy and introducing language about body parts to kids. If this isn’t where you are yet with your kiddos, you may want to wait to listen to this episode when they’re not with you!
Some terms: Naked or nude? Naked has a connotation of unprotected or vulnerable, or maybe unadorned (like the naked truth). Nude, on the other hand, just means without clothes. The character Rose posing for Jack’s painting in the Titanic was nude. If a bunch of party-goers had burst in at that moment, she would’ve suddenly been naked.
100% of us come into this world naked. Unless you’re in a culture that’s the rare minority, we typically don’t stay that way. Children may be the exception to that rule—at least for a while.
I remember many nights after bath time when one child or the other would run nude through the living room while we’d laugh and yell, “Streaker! Streaker!” Or, in the interest of time, we’d strip them down in the backyard and wash them off with the hose, in full view of family or friends. All of that is quite innocent and, I imagine, much how Adam & Eve must’ve been in the garden while they were still innocent.
Mitchell Chase wrote a book called Short of Glory that discusses the theology of clothing: Let’s think about clothing and shame. When Adam and Eve realized their nakedness, they sewed loincloths to cover themselves (Gen. 3:7), even though earlier they were “both naked and were not ashamed” (Gen. 2:25). The provision of clothing makes the theological point that sin needs to be covered. And the language about uncovering nakedness is typically connected to a wicked act.
For example, in Genesis 9, Noah became drunk and lay naked in his tent (Gen. 9:21). Ham, Noah’s son, “saw the nakedness of his father and told his two brothers outside. Then Shem and Japheth took a garment, laid it on both their shoulders, and walked backward and covered the nakedness of their father. Their faces were turned backward, and they did not see their father’s nakedness” (Gen. 9:22–23). The nakedness needed to be covered by a garment, and Noah’s sons Shem and Japheth didn’t exploit their father’s shame like Ham did.
Clothing was important for Israel’s priests. The high priest wore quite lavish garments, complete with beautifully threaded materials and jewels (Ex. 28, 39). God told Israel’s mediators, “And you shall not go up by steps to my altar, that your nakedness be not exposed on it” (Ex. 20:26). Canaanite worship consisted of sexual elements, including nakedness, which is why the Israelites were explicitly told to preserve modesty and propriety. The priests would wear linen undergarments, lest their flowing robes expose their nakedness. This was specifically to distinguish them from the pagan temples with temple prostitutes. For the Canaanites, sex was a way to connect to the divine.
(A distorted way of thinking, but…. in its correct context, sex actually IS a reflection of the Trinity where 2 become one in a covenant of 3.)
Modesty is fitting for life outside the garden. An immodest situation is provocative in a negative sense. Think of the possessed man in Luke 8. “For a long time he had worn no clothes, and he had not lived in a house but among the tombs” (Luke 8:27). Now notice the situation after Jesus delivered the man: “Then people went out to see what had happened, and they came to Jesus and found the man from whom the demons had gone, sitting at the feet of Jesus, clothed and in his right mind, and they were afraid” (Luke 8:35). No longer naked, the delivered man was clothed with garments and a sound mind. There is a correspondence between his inner and outer conditions. The clothing was a visible signal that a change had occurred. This new clothing showed there was a new man.
The Christian life is sometimes described as putting on new garments.1 Paul exhorted the Ephesians to “put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness” (Eph. 4:24). He wrote similar things to the Colossians: “Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator” (Col. 3:9–10). The disciple lives in the new garments of new life in Christ.
Paul uses clothing as a metaphor for the human body. This earthly body will die, and that disembodied condition is what Paul calls being “naked” or “unclothed” (2 Cor. 5:3). But believers have a resurrection hope. Though our bodies will return to the dust, we will not be disembodied forever. We were made for embodied immortality in Christ. We long to be “further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life” (2 Cor. 5:4). Rising from the dead means getting dressed in everlasting bodily life. In Genesis 3, God provided garments of skins. At the future resurrection, God will provide garments of glory.
Have you considered how the language about our future life with Christ is never depicted with the nakedness in Eden before the fall? There remains mystery about the appearance of our bodies in the age to come, but language of clothing is applied to our vindicated and resurrected state. https://www.crossway.org/articles/a-biblical-theology-of-clothing/
I think these explanations are in put in terms for our own understanding…We may not have bodies in the same sense as we do now or the need for actual clothing. If we do, and heaven/earth/we are “remade” back to the state of the Garden where everything was “good” there would be no sin (shame) & likely no “animalistic survival drives” such as reproduction etc. (There is no need for repopulation.)
So let’s talk practical application here… How long can children bathe together? When and how do you talk about private body parts? How can parents address kids’ curiosity in these areas?
We each had a boy and a girl, brother & sister. Mine were 3 years apart, and yours, Renee, were the same. For convenience, we had shared bath time for quite a while once the youngest was able to sit up safely in the tub and they could play together.
If they were curious or had questions about their differences in anatomy, we’d answer pretty simply. “Girls and boys have different ways of going to the potty,” for example. “God made girls and boys different.” Bath time is a natural time for observations like these and your tone of voice and explanations should be normal, not hush-hush or shaming.
It was probably early elementary—maybe when our oldest was in kindergarden that we started doing separate baths. If we’d had two sisters or two brothers instead of one of each, this might’ve been a different story. Renee??
It wasn’t necessarily because one or the other of them asked for that; we just determined school age was probably a good time for some privacy. Some children WILL ask or will simply say they want to take their own bath. Just keeping your radar up…how are the kids perceiving/observing you or each other and how is that changing?
One school of thought if you have sibling bath time is to respect the most modest person (likely the oldest, but not always). BUT this assumes the most modest person has the vocabulary, self-awareness, and feels safe to speak up. Kids won’t necessarily speak up against their parents’ expectations, have reached a developmental level to express it, or be verbal enough. (For example, an ADS child with situational mutism in social situations won’t be able to express their discomfort.) We also shouldn’t put children in a position that makes them uncomfortable first, requiring them to ask to stop.
What’s your family’s norm with nudity? I grew up in a very modest home, didn’t see my parents naked (at least not on purpose), and have no memory of bathing with siblings (although surely we did). I never liked changing for PE at school or in front of others. (I had a couple of childhood incidents that likely precipitated these preferences.) In our own home, the kids bathed together as I said for a couple of years, but we didn’t walk around the house naked or bathe with them. Other cultures can be quite different. We were at a hot springs somewhere & an entire busload of Asian women/children of all ages were in various stages of nakedness in the locker room. I’m trying to find a stall to change out of a bathing suit, but they didn’t bother.
One child’s preference for privacy may differ from another’s b/c of temperament or perhaps negative experiences. Be sure to not laugh at or shame anyone for wanting to be private or modest—even if the family lets it all hang out.
How to talk about parts
From a pretty young age (toddler), we always designated what were “private” areas with our kids. Not private because they were bad or dirty or shameful, but private in the sense that we don’t display them in public. We’d specify to them that it was ok only for mom & dad or a doctor to see for bath, dressing, etc.. (maybe This extended to trusted sitters/caretakers).
You can combine this sort of conversation by underlining that God made ALL of them to be wonderful and beautiful. Some parts are not meant to be shared openly.
Do you use “correct terms”?
We generally referred to the entire private area as “your bottom” while they were little. Why? Because children REPEAT things and if they think it’ll get attention or a laugh, they’ll repeat it at the most awkward moments in public.
As they got older, of course (elementary age), we taught them the correct terms. The reason for this was (1) knowledge and (2) protection. If they were ever in an abusive situation, they might need to have specific language/vocabulary to make things clear.
I know ppl are all about giving correct terms for parts so their kids don’t somehow associate certain parts with “things we don’t talk about.” But the fact is, some body parts ARE different and set apart. In American society, an ankle or an elbow is NOT the same as a vagina and penis. We can show our ankles and elbows on the playground. The other, we can’t. In fact, for an adult, one is an arrestable offense. All parts are not equal. You don’t react the same if someone happens to touch your child’s shoulder or her breast. (Renee: I was reading that in some parts of Africa and maybe other cultures, breasts are not as big a deal as knees. So knees would be covered and breasts exposed.)
You’re striking an age-appropriate balance with these conversations at home. What’s appropriate to talk about in public? What can we talk about openly at home? You’re always positive about their bodies & sex the way it was intended.
Also, we would only ever answer questions in the most simple of ways. If your 2 year old sees your pregnant belly and asks how the baby got in there, they’re not REALLY asking for the big download on what sex is and how it works. They’re curious and will likely be satisfied with “God put her there.” If they press for more, you can dole out add’l bite-sized info (age-appropriate). Young children are not morally or developmentally capable of digesting all adult knowledge! We believe it’s a parent’s job to protect a child’s innocence as long as possible.
That’s already a pretty HUGE TASK in today’s sexualized & tech-heavy society! Don’t give them more than they need. And maybe ask them WHY they’re asking or ask them to repeat the question. Sometimes what they’re asking may not be what you’re preparing to answer!
The Kid Who Doesn’t Ask Questions
There are kids who are wondering but won’t ask (I, Renee, was one of them!) Birds and Bees suggests: Use the phrase “Have you ever wondered…” to start the conversation. Have you ever wondered how that baby go there? It’s pretty amazing. Also they say to talk about “seeds” and “eggs” is easier than talking about “sperm.” 🙂
Sponge analogy: There is a sponge inside every kid’s brain that is labeled “curiosity about sexual things” If you protect the sponge by silence then it remains dry. The thing about sponges is that they will soak up liquid, no matter the quality. So, if you are drip, drip, dripping information, then when they go to summer camp, the neighbor’s house, and school, they’ll go with a “full sponge.” What happens to a sponge that is already full of liquid? It kind of rolls off! But if it’s totally dry, it soaks up whatever is around it.
My Child Won’t Keep His Hands Out of his Pants
This is really common. You know how babies at one point lie on their backs and lift their legs? Eventually they figure out their legs are connected to their body & they can touch their own toes! They’re fascinated and do it again and again. This is kind of like that.
Except. Maybe touching your ear or your elbow is socially acceptable, but walking around all day with your hand down your pants is not. This behavior may get “peer pressured” out of them at school age –but don’t wait until then to curb it. This can happen with both girls and boys.
- Keep your tone of voice even & calm, like you’re asking them to take their finger out of their nose. Don’t freak out or punish them. Focus on manners & germs. “Keep your hands out of your pants. We want to keep our hands clean and that’s where we go potty. Come on, let’s go wash.” Or, “Our hands have a lot of germs on them and we want to be careful with our private parts.” Or “It’s not polite to touch your private parts in front of other people. Let’s play with these cars instead.”
- Children by nature are exploratory creatures. Their own bodies are part of what they will explore & that’s ok. We need to know our own bodies & there’s nothing wrong or shameful about our bodies.
- Some children can fixate, however, and the sensations they feel can lead to habits and even using the hand-down-the-pants as a way to self soothe. I’ve heard from kindergarten teachers who report having to repeatedly stop particular children from openly touching themselves at nap time or other times in the classroom because it’s such a habit that had been allowed without limits at home. Whatever you think about things that may be acceptable in private, anything that becomes a fixating habit in our lives is probably not good. (nail biting, nose picking, hair twirling, food, alcohol, screens, substances….Some of us are more prone to addictive behavior than others.) Self-control may be something you can focus on in many different areas at home to then apply here.
Guests in Home or on Vacation
Having company is a good time to practice modesty. Knocking on doors. Respecting privacy of others. Keeping clothes on. What goes on at OUR house vs. OTHER people’s houses! Don’t walk in on someone using the bathroom. Explain ahead of time how it’s going to work when you’re with a big group or family reunion etc.
This may be a conversation you have in lots of contexts. If your kid goes over to someone else’s house…I honestly never thought to address this ahead of time. (That their home’s modesty scale might be different—but I’d sure want to know if it was!! )
Modesty
Modesty is not about being a prude or being repressed.. It’s actually not because we’re ashamed of our bodies or ourselves–which is how culture wants to spin it. It’s a way of respecting and honoring ourselves and others. Our bodies are a holy temple and a way to honor God. Sex is a beautiful gift in the context of marriage and it’s meant for our good and our pleasure.
Our most private parts and the intended marital context for them are set apart as particularly precious. If that weren’t so, rape and sexual abuse wouldn’t have such life long devastating effects. It would be as if someone had roughly bumped into your elbow.
It’s how God represents the ark in the OT–the Holy of Holies. Only one high priest could go there, and with very limited access. By contrast, society would have us believe that if we look good, we should display it, flaunt it if you’ve got it. That take not only dishonors God’s intent for us, but it degrades us–both men and women. We become something for anyone to consume instead of the precious, treasured beautiful creations we are.
(These are things, by the way, that we should include regularly when we’re teaching our kids about their bodies and the birds & bees.)
When we teach our little girls to not twirl their pretty dresses or lift their dresses above their heads, it’s not because we are ashamed of them or think they’re dirty. It’s actually the exact OPPOSITE. They are SO beautiful and precious and worthy & we don’t want them to scatter that before swine.
Likewise, with our boys, we teach them to act like gentlemen, not bullies. Their language shouldn’t be all about penises and poop— we can keep it classier than that. We teach them to honor themselves and the women in their lives (sisters, mom, cousins).
Rod Dreher at the American Conservative: Taking one’s American children through museums poses certain challenges. You have taught your children to respect the ideal of modesty, and then there are statues and paintings of nekkid people everywhere. How do you explain that?
This is how we do it: we explain to them that the human body is beautiful, and that the art they’re seeing was created to explore the beauty of the human form. Sometimes people draw or photograph the human body in a way meant to show its ugliness (I mean pornography, but my little ones don’t have that concept yet), and that’s what we turn away from and reject. But the body itself was created by God, who said it was good. When we have true art, we are taught to think of the body as beautiful. (The issue here is INTENT…. what did the artist intend? What did God, the ULTIMATE ARTIST, intend for us to think/act with our own bodies????)
I’m not sure how well this works yet, but it does enable my 13 year old son and I to stop at statues like The Three Graces (above) in the Louvre, and talk about form and line and beauty. Yes, there are three naked women made of marble in front of him, but we have, I hope, taught him to see with unsmutty eyes. I hope too that when the day comes that he is actually confronted with smut, he will recognize the difference, and turn away. https://www.theamericanconservative.com/nudity-and-culture/
Birds and Bees on Instagram
They have an online course that one mom friend told me is definitely worth checking out.
They say talk early and often, be frequent and frank, and drip, drip, drip. They say that the idea of “the talk” is outdated in our porn-saturated society.